I’ve had plans to go to Davenport, Iowa for Thanksgiving since over the summer, but my parents tried to con me into going to the family. With my sarcastic approval to my parents who can’t take no for an answer, I decided to listen to the call of the stars telling me to come home, knowing I’d receive nasty messages from my family harassing me and telling me how ashamed they are of me. Real family is those who make you happy, support decisions seeming outrageous to you, and who would truly be there for you if you really lost everything. They would also be there for you after you make lots of mistakes, even the one when my friend Danny told me not to get pulled over on the way to his apartment… Thankfully third time is the charm, no more tickets (or accidents), and since all 3 of my tickets were in different counties, I can still have a clean driving record. The end of 2015 was pretty rough and I’m ready for this year to turn the tides.
After I finally arrived in Davenport, I was showered with all of the love I could ever ask for. I was also worrying about my black belt test, which everyone kept telling me how I can do it. Of course I ended up passing! While in Iowa, besides for being in my second home, I wanted to figure out which avenues to take my life, remove negativity, and paint a tombstone with, “here lies the ghost of Rebs’s past”.
While preparing for this show and figuring out what I want for the New Year, it seems like all I want to do is fit in, be loved, find my home, and be successful. Knowing my blood family as being the team who seems to turn their back on me, it made deciding to go to Iowa an easy decision. Every time I've gone to thanksgiving for my blood family, I'd either be barraged in interview questions or have to listen to the gossip and drama. Nope. I think I'd rather eat my turkey and share laughs, love, and video game victories. I've learned from my mistakes and it's time to surround myself with people who make me happy and I can be free. Bye bye negativity!
One night while in Iowa, our group decided to go the karaoke bar/bowling alley place they usually go. I mention karaoke specifically because I had never done karaoke in my entire life, no thanks to getting thrown into a glass table by my sister for singing “loudly” and needing 36 stitches in my head, causing the most deathly fear of singing ever. Almost 20 years, a session of AP music theory, turning into a cherry and crying several times, a boyfriend at the time’s band, marching band, karaoke revolution with friends, or even my favorite, being handed a microphone in guitar hero 5 to sing “Jessie’s Girl” to become an infamous Youtube sensation to my friends, I ended up singing. Thanks Danny! I lived, and I didn’t sound like “total trash” because I know I can hold a tune with all the years of experience in band!
As the year was coming to a close, my main concern is the void in my career path. I’ve been having success in my hobbies. I found my family in Belegarth, my medieval foam sword fighting group, I just earned my black belt, I’m getting to grace more stages, I’ve finally found the gloving community and am starting to make my way there. But here I am as a web developer feeling a lot more passionate over here than where I spend most of the day. After being put down a lot during school for being told I stink at programming, familial abuse, questioning about whether I wanted to program for the longest time, getting way more help than I should have on my assignments, and totally failing miserably in this job for the last 2.5 years, I’ve realized I am not where I belong. Cheating to win isn’t righteous… and will bite you in the ass later, which of course it did for me… Whoops! I thought with my success and leadership in the IT department in college and even participating in committees after college, I thought that was the answer. I then realized my leadership positions were dying, my interest vanished, and I legit stopped trying. I know how much of a motivated person I am, but seeing my motivation diminish shattered me and caused me to throw red flags. But the good news is, I’m not Mr. Jetson, my real family supports me, and being a web developer is something I wanted when I was 12 years old. I know I am a much different person now than I was as a teeny bopper. Not only that, but since I joined Belegarth, all of the bullying in my life towards me ended. 2016 is the year I will wash my past all away and tell myself I am capable of accomplishment. I would rather drive for Uber, continue to establish myself, have guaranteed money, and be able to take a break whenever I want vs making plenty of money and waking up feeling sick to my stomach ridden in anxiety. Nope. It is time for all of us to say RIP to our past. We are all capable of changing the world. How will you make the universe smile?
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