Reflections for a New Year

With a new year, there are WAY too many emotions to describe anything I could ever feel. There's a massive stream of everything running through my head right now. I want to take everything in and live for the moment.

Yes I write a lot. That's what I do. But I'm going to post it live for once. It is my "coming out of the closet" so to speak, but I am straight. If you want to judge, so be it, but I am done with the words "don't judge me" because I am going to say something new for once. I won't give two shits. If you want to be super critical or cold, not like it matters, because there are people who matter more than you do.

But right now, I am taking a moment to reflect. I am sure all of you have had your dose of insecurities, lack of self-esteem, or maybe even abuse of some sort. But how you decide to fight and cope with everything is up to you. I take my risks. Will you take yours?

Why do I doubt myself? Because I strive to be the best I can be. I am not here to compete with you. I am not here to be better than you. I am not here to outshine you. I am here to make a difference. As long as I do that, I will achieve pure happiness.

I am sure all of you have had your fair share of a tough year. I know I sure have. I may not have escaped all of my classes in one piece and am going to have an episode of Dejavu, but at least you can know that you will do better next time. You always do better the second time and learn from your mistakes. You live and you learn. You can't hold back, you can't live in fear, and you can't just sit on words without putting an action to them. Actually doing something and "making it happen" is what needs to happen. If you need to complain, you can do it for a few minutes, but then you need to take action. Do something about it. Take your own stand.

I am not broken. I am never broken and can never be broken. I am still mending from my past, but am stronger than ever. I have acquired what I need to move foward fresh into the Now. I am strong, but will be even stronger as time progresses to see what the future holds. I am looking forward to also being a better and more effective leader. I have been granted the most wonderful opportunities and blessings anyone can ever ask for. I am ready to grab it by the horns and conquer all. A little pat on the back would be nice here and there!

There may be a party rock anthem going on live right now for all of you, but for me I sit on my bed anxiously awaiting my flight. While doing so, I would like to take a moment to thank everyone personally for what they've done. For dealing with my puddles of stress and for inspiring me to take my interests (and love of music) to a new level.

I freak out about going home because I never know what to expect. I thought I was going to end up alone, but when I stepped foot through my house, I saw otherwise. One surgery and a few bumps in the road later, I came back to finish as strong as possible.

Knowing I had to pull many things out of my rear end and pull energy and motivation out of the sky, the finish line was so close. No matter how difficult, it was possible. Now, I am just about done... it is almost over, but still going. Even though it was a short time, I feel even better than before. I am strong enough, and if you do not think I am good enough, then you can suck it. I am here to please others too, but I have no selfish desire to please myself, but such is a must. Say you decide to... you know... lie to me... hahaha. You're gone! If you think I am fat or call me fat behind my back, then fuck you. I am in the process of changing that, but it is taking too long.... I am ready to try again. But that's because I refuse to let other people's poison bother me. I'm no size 0 or a model, but that doesn't mean I'm "fat" so to speak. I refuse to put myself down. Others need to accept how beautiful they are. Size doesn't matter (unless it's causing you health problems). People need to just be happy with who they are. What has society done?

Ignorance is not my best friend, and if you think so, that's your loss. I am willing to reconcile any shit I have caused, but it must be mutual. If you want to hold me back or start useless drama with me, I have no desire to see it, unless of course it's a Broadway play. Then count me in! I will not play your mind games. I will not listen to your jargon. And I will not have a cup of Java, or ever wish to see that... EVER again. I'd prefer a mocha. Let's sit down and have a chat. If you decide to go on your own path, I won't snap. I am strong enough. We are all as powerful as we think we are. I'll believe in you, you'll believe in me. All the cliche crap that everyone else seems to bring up. Such is true. If you turn around, I'll turn around too. If I care about you enough and see potential in you, I will do everything in my power to bring it out of you, and my dear, you know who you are. If, if, if..... It's a definite.

There are many things I crave. In my power, I will continue to believe everything will come my way. I seek such bliss, and in order to receive much, you must give much. The bliss will be right in front of you. With that, I will take my pride, stick it in my purse, and continue onto the next set of challenges I must face. I know I will win. No need to stick a halo on my head. I believe in myself. My belief in me will have the Force believe in me as well. I don't need a cult following. I just want appreciation. I want to help for the benefit of everyone else with some cream on the side. I live to help others. If I don't live up to my expectations I feel guilty. I want to be the best I can be. But one thing I will always leave is a piece of my wisdom and my mind. I may be different. But the difference is mine. I will always leave with this piece of mind I gave to myself. My own personal quote: "I'm just me and that's who I'll always be". Just living by that will enable a pure state of happiness for me and my loved ones. That's just the way I like it. Just right.