Rebecca Duxler's Food Pics

Since I like to cook a lot and don't always write down exact recipes for my food, this is the page of either concoctions I've made, food I've bought from a restaurant, or food my friends (particularly one of my roommates) has made. Enjoy the tastiness! More coming soon!

Food I Cooked

Fresca Fuego Salsa

Fresca Fuego Salsa Scrambled Eggs

Super Bowl Clam Chowder

Seafood Curry-Sauced Pasta

Skaley Bacony Sausage

Vegetarian Pad Thai

Food I Ate at a Restaurant

Chicken Biriyani from Gareeb Nawaz (Little India, Chicago)

Wielding Cancer's Shoulders

My life is changing drastically this week, so I guess today is poem day - "Wielding Cancer's Shoulders"! I was listening to Muse's "The Handler" when writing this too!

Dear Cancer,
Fuck you!
I am the reaper of your soul,
The one responsible for tearing you apart.

You have done enough to hurt me in the past;
I must disassociate myself from you.
You are the pain I no longer need!

I am a warrior,
A newly transformed being;
I am becoming one with the universe,
Awakening to the path of balance and enlightenment.

The world is now mine for conquering!

Holding a black belt means I am ready to wield the weight of the world on my shoulders,
Spreading light and positivity to all,
While sprinkling a little bit of fairy dust on everyone to negate the evils.

Oh Cancer,
You will no longer control my life.
My demons have been unsheathed and leashed for wielding at my will.
I am the one to grip your reins now.

Normalcy never exists,
But sanity and wholeness do.
Mental soundness can be attained with control, resilience, and forward marching.
I am not a dog and shall not be caged.

It is time to free myself of this cancer,
The person I don’t want to be,
And no longer am.

A new life is born,
Without a handler.
You will go to hell where you deserve,
And I will raise my freak flags while receiving 5000 points for doing so.

Behold,
The one you spent your life doubting
Is the one standing upon this pedestal on top,
With you on the bottom beneath my feet.

I am free of you,
Fucking Cancer.
I am ready to wield the weight of the world on my shoulders;
Now it is time!

Rabbit Holes Disguised as Light

It was another normal Tuesday night and I returned home from work in a huff to go to my karate class. I quickly said hello to my roommates before stuffing food down my face, making a quick change into my uniform, and leaving within 20 minutes. I got in my car and embarked on my misadventures of absently driving down the wintery I-90 highway to go to my karate class; I missed the exit ramp. I was too busy spacing out to my blasting electronic music in order to notice the location to the exit had moved due to construction.  While I could sit and complain about how annoying construction is, I need to realize my mistakes instead.

While being everyone’s “never give up” advocate, I have some work to do of my own. During college, I studied to be a web developer; whenever I’d run into significant enough difficulty on a programming assignment, I’d gather enough help from any source to where my entire bucket of water was full before I got up to fill it up myself. I knew I was going to be pretty late to class and was wondering if I should pick up the phone and call one of my roommates freaking out or just keep driving and accept the fact I’m not going to make it class on time. I had never completed a programming assignment without getting most of it spoon-fed to me and now I am getting paid to do this. Meanwhile, I‘ve been putting on a façade with my leadership skills and a pink personality type in a grey world. My peers saw me as this successful, driven woman who had recently been promoted, earned her black belt, lost a bunch of weight, and tried out for game and cooking shows. Behind the scenes, I’ve been climbing down the rabbit hole with a 1 way ticket to China. I don’t want to turn into Mr. Jetson! I decided not to call my roommates and enter the address into my GPS to find a solution to arriving at my karate class.

I was given my first “big programming task” at work in May to be completed by June; it is January and here I sit typing this story wondering what I’m still doing here. When given a programming assignment, you’re given a list of requirements, which are generally vague, and then sent on your own to do the assignment. I’ve placed doubts in my programming abilities for many years and told myself, “this is it, this is what you’ve really wanted, and you can do this!” The assignment was handed to me and I was more ready than ever. I had my ticket to becoming a real programmer and returned to my battle station to solve this puzzle. I tried to decipher what I was supposed to do. Since I was nervous and wanted to make myself seem intelligent to these people, I defaulted to asking tons of questions. Several weeks and plenty of help from my friends and boyfriend at the time later, I completed about 80% of the assignment, and still had a couple more questions.

The deadline was approaching and I was eager to get my questions answered. Instead of spending lots of time researching and trying more than 3x before giving up for awhile, I freaked out about the deadline and flipped through my contact list to try getting some help. On my quest to attain assistance, I was either given a solution that didn’t work, turned away and told to go to Google, or the person was stumped by my predicament. I forced myself to exert as much energy as possible into this project until I corrupted my workspace. The deadline passed. A few more months passed. Finding my way to my karate class wasn’t as difficult as I thought it would be, but I wished I could say the same about my programming assignment. I luckily had a few motivation spurts, but my desires to complete this task were rapidly diminishing. If my parents ever asked me why I’m screwing up this golden opportunity, I’d tell them I’m not happy and want better for myself. The more my motivation escaped down the toilet, the more my climb down the rabbit hole turned into a fall. I found the solution to get to my karate class safely, but that didn’t take away from the fact I missed the exit ramp and was going to be late.

When heroes are searching for their successes, they have to take plenty of shots and miss. As I sit in my grey box, writing this story, absent from this world I should be immersed in, I am waiting for people to respond to my emails with questions. I realized I am not where I belong. I have been sitting here for over 2.5 years without being able to move past square 1. The more my career remained stagnant, the more the emptiness turned into a pit of despair. I’d walk in the door after work and my roommates would come home to the daily rain cloud above my head. There’s no use in telling myself I should have put more effort into the assignments in college and even now because the past is only a lesson to be learned from.

The days continued flying away. As I’m sitting in my cube, writing this story, when I should be programming, my friends told me how I’m ready to take on the world instead of being in this chokehold ready to tap into submission. I safely arrived to my karate class and wasn’t late because the earlier class ran an extra 10 minutes. For one of the exercises, the instructor asks people who can do a hook kick to the head to go to one side of the room. I knew I was able to do that, but walked over to the other side very shyly; several other members in the class seemed to believe in me walking to the other side a lot more than I did.

When the beginning of 2016 arrived, I didn’t realize how bad my confidence was truly hurting. The monster inside me has been telling me how incapable I am of success now has a formidable foe. After cleaning up from the New Year’s Eve party at my apartment, I was on the couch one afternoon talking to my roommates and  was them how large the professional void I’ve dug for myself is; my managers have been taking notice at the lack of contribution and attendance struggles from me. I decided to try this assignment a few more times and left each day with a corrupted coding environment.

My career expires in 15 days and I am still here. Sitting in this grey box, I listened to the other voices who told me I was able to walk to the other side. I can’t spill the water from the glass if I haven’t even gotten up to go look for the water. Even if I spilled, I’d get a paper towel, take notice to how I spilled, and keep moving forward. Everyone believes in me except for me. One of my roommates suggested I drive for Uber and take some time to figure out how I’d best make a difference my way with my services. It clicked. I knew what I had to do and where the stars told me to go. Everyone is right. I am now ready to walk to the other side, but this time with my head up, knowing I didn’t need to follow Mr. Jetson to the rabbit hole!

The Past's Tombstone

I’ve had plans to go to Davenport, Iowa for Thanksgiving since over the summer, but my parents tried to con me into going to the family. With my sarcastic approval to my parents who can’t take no for an answer, I decided to listen to the call of the stars telling me to come home, knowing I’d receive nasty messages from my family harassing me and telling me how ashamed they are of me. Real family is those who make you happy, support decisions seeming outrageous to you, and who would truly be there for you if you really lost everything. They would also be there for you after you make lots of mistakes, even the one when my friend Danny told me not to get pulled over on the way to his apartment… Thankfully third time is the charm, no more tickets (or accidents), and since all 3 of my tickets were in different counties, I can still have a clean driving record. The end of 2015 was pretty rough and I’m ready for this year to turn the tides.

After I finally arrived in Davenport, I was showered with all of the love I could ever ask for. I was also worrying about my black belt test, which everyone kept telling me how I can do it. Of course I ended up passing! While in Iowa, besides for being in my second home, I wanted to figure out which avenues to take my life, remove negativity, and paint a tombstone with, “here lies the ghost of Rebs’s past”.

While preparing for this show and figuring out what I want for the New Year, it seems like all I want to do is fit in, be loved, find my home, and be successful. Knowing my blood family as being the team who seems to turn their back on me, it made deciding to go to Iowa an easy decision. Every time I've gone to thanksgiving for my blood family, I'd either be barraged in interview questions or have to listen to the gossip and drama. Nope. I think I'd rather eat my turkey and share laughs, love, and video game victories. I've learned from my mistakes and it's time to surround myself with people who make me happy and I can be free. Bye bye negativity!

One night while in Iowa, our group decided to go the karaoke bar/bowling alley place they usually go. I mention karaoke specifically because I had never done karaoke in my entire life, no thanks to getting thrown into a glass table by my sister for singing “loudly” and needing 36 stitches in my head, causing the most deathly fear of singing ever. Almost 20 years, a session of AP music theory, turning into a cherry and crying several times, a boyfriend at the time’s band, marching band, karaoke revolution with friends, or even my favorite, being handed a microphone in guitar hero 5 to sing “Jessie’s Girl” to become an infamous Youtube sensation to my friends, I ended up singing. Thanks Danny! I lived, and I didn’t sound like “total trash” because I know I can hold a tune with all the years of experience in band!

As the year was coming to a close, my main concern is the void in my career path. I’ve been having success in my hobbies. I found my family in Belegarth, my medieval foam sword fighting group, I just earned my black belt, I’m getting to grace more stages, I’ve finally found the gloving community and am starting to make my way there. But here I am as a web developer feeling a lot more passionate over here than where I spend most of the day. After being put down a lot during school for being told I stink at programming, familial abuse, questioning about whether I wanted to program for the longest time, getting  way more help than I should have on my assignments, and totally failing miserably in this job for the last 2.5 years, I’ve realized I am not where I belong. Cheating to win isn’t righteous… and will bite you in the ass later, which of course it did for me… Whoops! I thought with my success and leadership in the IT department in college and even participating in committees after college, I thought that was the answer. I then realized my leadership positions were dying, my interest vanished, and I legit stopped trying. I know how much of a motivated person I am, but seeing my motivation diminish shattered me and caused me to throw red flags. But the good news is, I’m not Mr. Jetson, my real family supports me, and being a web developer is something I wanted when I was 12 years old. I know I am a much different person now than I was as a teeny bopper. Not only that, but since I joined Belegarth, all of the bullying in my life towards me ended. 2016 is the year I will wash my past all away and tell myself I am capable of accomplishment. I would rather drive for Uber, continue to establish myself, have guaranteed money, and be able to take a break whenever I want vs making plenty of money and waking up feeling sick to my stomach ridden in anxiety. Nope. It is time for all of us to say RIP to our past. We are all capable of changing the world. How will you make the universe smile?

The Positivity Garden Exercise of Reflection: Shielding Negativity

On my quest to eliminate as many negative aspects from my life as possible, I have been happily awakened to the fact of wanting to stop complaining. I grew up with complaining in my household, it's all over the place, and I'm surely guilty of it too. Who wants to join me? For every time you complain you should either write 3 positive things down on a board to counteract the complaint or if you live with people, for every complaint, put a dime into a jar and use it for community house stuff or shared utilities. I just made that up. But either way, let's stop complaining - that means no self-loathing comments either!

Freelance Website List

Here are some ways to make money on the interwebs! I also add "Postmates" to this list as well! You can also drive for Uber and Lyft if you want too ;)

Review of the Weekend of Transformation at the Wright Foundation in Chicago

I had meant to post this earlier, but now is a better time anyway. In the middle of September (2015), I attended a transformational leadership seminar at the Wright Foundation in Chicago. It was a weekend-long program to help participants find a better sense of self. Each day, I came up with a quote for what I feel like I took home with me as “the lesson of the day”:

Quote 1: Those who enable you to feel safe will destroy your walls!

Quote 2: As long as the sinking ship has a battery, it is possible to overcome the fear and push the accelerator button!

Quote 3: Rain from your eyes is like a storm revitalizing a city in deep drought! Dismissing that will only create an endless dark cloud needing water to restore its glow!

Here is a review/reflection of what I did that weekend (which I wrote right after the seminar and edited for typos):

This weekend was definitely not what I expected it to be. When I learned the meaning of what it meant to begin awakening myself and my mind when I went to Israel back in 2012, this weekend was like dumping a giant bucket of magic growth water onto the planted seeds and made them grow tremendously. I realized what it truly means to challenge myself in terms of having a holistic positive image of myself, as well as chasing my yearnings, desires, and dreams. It also opened my eyes to how much of a wall I have still been putting up, including on stage when at open mic nites. I learned how ok it is to feel angry or sad (and within that spectrum) instead of shoving them off, putting them in a consistently overflowing bottle, or numbing them out. Emotions are allowed. They may not be allowed sometimes by society’s standards, but part of being a human is being capable of utilizing our emotions in a positive way, even if they aren’t positive emotions. I learned what it means to be able to accept compliments, turn the doubts around, and see myself as capable of being able to impact people and have valid personal and dream-oriented accomplishments. Not only that, but for the first time in a long time, I don’t see my job as a hopeless sinking ship anymore and don’t want to give up anymore. To top it off, the person who told me about this conference, which is someone in the grad school program that is on my new(ish) team at work, he yoinked me last night at one point and wanted some insight on my work roadblocks since many of them are just mental roadblocks. It is more motivating to not want to toss in the towel when you know when people are being more genuine about actually caring about you as an entire person as opposed to just on a high level. I’ve been on quite the motivation spree since I ended my relationship at the end of July, and would like to write a story about the power of investing time in yourself to make personal growth. It’s like buying a high quality item to add to your machine… except it’s an intangible item.

It’s quite a beautiful and inspiring thing to see over a hundred people in a room all wanting to better themselves. It’s also a change in scenery when people are alive and happy to be in the room, especially the staff, at 8:30 in the morning; it makes me want to be alive and present at 8:30am, especially as someone who is not a morning person. Everyone who works there loves their job so much and it shows. I literally went from being dead silent sitting there nodding my head (because of having to open up on a deep level to strangers) to my everyday normal jolly self without a giant negative cloud of disdain towards my job and bottled up and sidelined emotions I thought were previously worthless and too much for people to handle. Nope nope nope! On top of the cloud going away, I also already jumped into facing my fears by a spontaneous request to do my storytelling feature a month earlier than originally planned and the sinking job ship is starting to come out from under the water. And, I’ll even blow myself away at my Master Chef casting call this weekend!

The format of this weekend thing was initially sitting in a room and listening to a “TED TALK” type shindig for awhile, as well as go over some lecture-type material. After that, you form small groups of around 10 people based on how your interests align with how the leaders introduced themselves and their interests. We shared our stories and what we wanted to get out of the weekend and the adventures began. There was also a lot of “acting out” scenarios or having to do silly things like you would in an acting class, or discussing parts of the lecture material and how it involved your life with a partner (paired sharing). In the morning (and after the meal break), we would start the day with lots of free coffee and tea, a group check-in, and dancing. There were also other “live” activities, such as the “walking the line” scenario (where if you were affected by x negative action, raise your hand or walk to the other side of the room). Group sharing/discussions happened very often as well. I mainly learned how being vulnerable and expressing your needs can help you improve relationships with yourself and others too. 

This is not some “magic scam mc program” that is like a glorified advertisement. I feel a significant difference in my attitude and it only cost me one weekend’s worth of time. It was worth every second. I feel like for those of you who could use a spark of a life, attitude, and motivation boost (and an overall mind/body/spirit refresh), I can point you to it! I hope to be able to keep pointing you all to the smiles, love, and rainbows! 

Not only that, but it was nice to be able to put down my phone for awhile and be fully present! We should all take the opportunity to at least do that anyway!

Motivational Quotes for the New Year

Quote 1: Today is always one step forward for being alive!

Quote 2: Today’s failure is tomorrow’s success!

Quote 3: It is not your job to please everyone. Even if you make an unpopular decision, as long as the decision is yours, it makes you happy, and stands by your moralized code of ethics, don’t let other’s disapproval cloud your vision!