I guess you had to be there the time I went through life after leaving my full-time job. For reference, I had a full-time job as a web developer at a large company, which I left on my own terms for a shot at self-employment. Now, I drive for Uber while being in between jobs, hoping someone gives me a job offer that can be permanent for me.
Let me begin by saying I became friends with both of these lovely people on interesting terms. I met my dear friend Kyle through a high school friend and several additional pathways later, our now mutual ex friend introduced us to each other at my very first apartment. He made some tasty drinks for us that's forsure! I met my dear friend Noah on an even crazier venture; Kyle met Noah through OkCupid and invited me over to a gathering at his apartment to meet Noah for the first time. After a series of events, I ended up in a fetal position on Kyle's bed while he was comforting me and Noah was looking at shoes because Kyle was gone and he didn't know anyone. Note none of us were sober that night... Fast forward a couple years after that and now we're all living together. Plus, with Kyle being an Uber driver too, he helped me be able to become one too by showing me the paperwork and going over how to use the Uber Driver app with me. Thanks for all the help by the way I truly appreciate it!
Both of these lovely people have seen the before and after changes in me from about a year ago until today. A year ago, I was making good money living the high life, involved in many activities, and being willing to drive an hour and a half to go perform at a local talent show. Now, I am driving for Uber at insane hours, playing the hustle game, and crossing my fingers I make rent. They have probably seen my boobs, PJs, no makeup self, gross crying mode, anxiety attack, and all the works. They have also seen me bring back people who are pleasurable and ones who we want to get the fuck out immediately. Those who aren’t the best people range from not fully recovered alcoholics who acted drunk and belligerent to “friends” who end up causing me to emotionally over-drink on my birthday because they upset me and stole my phone to send text messages saying “I love pickles” to my friends while constantly making fun of me. Throughout the course of living with these two, they have seen several of these “bad friends” they didn’t like, but at least the good outweigh the bad and thankfully, both of you are still here! At least I introduced them to our amusement park travel buddy who I met randomly while playing Dance Dance Revolution!
While driving for Uber, there would be days I would come back over caffeinated, exhausted, post all-nighter, etc. and both of you ended up spending eons telling me I needed to sleep until my eventual wakeup call. Now I have slept basically every single day since Labor Day. I would sometimes be gone over 24 hours at a time without returning home except maybe to pee. Lately, I haven't been gone for more than 10 hours at a time and when it seems like I was gone for a long time, I would get text messages wondering where I was, prompting me to want to return home shortly after. I always want to make sure to at least see both of you for a little bit before going to sleep. Now that I return home at midnight or earlier, the chances of that happening are significantly greater. Thanks for convincing me to get myself as much of a sleep schedule as I can and sleep every single day instead of driving through the night.
I appreciate how much you both care about me and want me to do well in life. A lot of the time we have been living together, I always mention all the job interviews I'm about to have and how I am craving to get an offer somewhere. Many interviews and rejections later, I finally received an offer from a commission only job at a small outsource marketing firm in the Chicago loop. Both of you gave me multiple red flags after my first day and continued to urge me to quit, which I appreciate. I came home super beat in a non gratifying way and you noticed the difference in my mood and overall well-being immediately. I quit less than 3 weeks later. You know those moments where you know someone’s right and it takes awhile to listen to them because you want to see for yourself? This instance was one of those moments. I also like to see my dearest friends be successful too and celebrate accomplishments, such as new jobs and promotions. For example, taking a shot after each of you got jobs at Mariano’s and a shot after I received my job offer.
One of my favorite moments of celebration, besides of course being able to throw parties, is getting to go on mini vacations to ride roller coasters at Cedar Point. The three of us and another friend went to Cedar Point over the summer, 2016. Someone told how something to either expand or falter relationships is going on trips. On vacations, especially when sharing hotel rooms, you see the entirety of a person. For me, that’s how long I take in the bathroom, how slow I am at getting ready, and me with no makeup. Living with people and vacationing them presents a lot of vulnerability. Being at an amusement park also presents standing in line. I have been in past situations before where I was standing in line with my now ex boyfriend. He would pull the petty argument card while in line and I ended up on my phone ignoring him the entire time. This time, it was spent laughing, bonding, and watching my friends become gradually more afraid of the big rides as we approached the front of the line. We are definitely planning on going on another trip to ride roller coasters in 2017.
Growing up, I always had a difficulty becoming close to people. I had a couple strong friendships in the past, but I always felt like something was missing. There were also multiple experiences regarding failed relationships with roommates, like in college when I lived with someone I barely knew as opposed to knowing them for a couple years prior to living with them. It was definitely a hot mess. This time, the situation is way different, and for that, I shall be grateful.
Showing posts with label Resilience. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Resilience. Show all posts
Wednesday, January 11, 2017
Wednesday, November 30, 2016
Life as We Know It Haiku Poem Collection
The struggle is real
Trying times exist all while
Waiting is worth it!
The skies aren't grey
Don't let bullshit bring you down
Believe you'll survive!
Wind whispers softly.
As life briskly passes by,
Always try your best!
Must not ever give up
As much as I wanna badly
Quitting ain't success!
The skies aren't grey
Don't let bullshit bring you down
Believe you'll survive!
Wind whispers softly.
As life briskly passes by,
Always try your best!
Must not ever give up
As much as I wanna badly
Quitting ain't success!
The first snowfall down.
White speckles from the sky fall;
Here comes the chaos!
On the last day of
An experience of life
Craziness happens!
The deed has been done.
It may have been difficult;
Don't regret a choice!
I allow myself
To feel what needs to be felt;
It's quite uneasy!
Following your dreams
Is an adventure of life
Meets proper moment!
On the last day of
An experience of life
Craziness happens!
The deed has been done.
It may have been difficult;
Don't regret a choice!
I allow myself
To feel what needs to be felt;
It's quite uneasy!
Following your dreams
Is an adventure of life
Meets proper moment!
Life is difficult
Gotta tough it out if you
Wanna win the game!
If you get lemons
Imagine them being limes
It's more positive!
Being is a choice
You don't have to be present
But you'll miss the stars!
Go soft on yourself
You cannot beat yourself up
To advance in life
Sunday, September 18, 2016
Alphabetic Story of my Life
A day in the life of me
Brings joy, adventures, misadventures, and newfound glory.
Craziness is also a factor;
Disasters happen… sometimes!
Everyday's a new day to succeed, but
Failure is also exists.
Gotta git gud, gotta go fast, gotta climb up the ladder.
Here I go! I’m ready!
I strive for every day to make it the best it can be,
Jumping over hurdles, joking around those I interact with.
Kicking ass and taking names is my middle name!
Losing is never an option!
My oh my, what a crazy life I have,
Never a wink of restful sleep,
Or offers of hands or shoulders to lean on, but opportunity will always be on my mind!
Priviledge doesn’t really exist for me, especially now.
Quests are embarked on,
Races are won,
Savages are met with serpents.
Today will be my day, which I constantly tell myself.
Universes will meet where I want and need them to.
Voracious for a win am I.
Winning is my first name!
Xylophone sounds will ring when I reach the top.
You will hear the sound of my name in lights!
Zero chance it won’t happen; one hundred percent chance it will!
Brings joy, adventures, misadventures, and newfound glory.
Craziness is also a factor;
Disasters happen… sometimes!
Everyday's a new day to succeed, but
Failure is also exists.
Gotta git gud, gotta go fast, gotta climb up the ladder.
Here I go! I’m ready!
I strive for every day to make it the best it can be,
Jumping over hurdles, joking around those I interact with.
Kicking ass and taking names is my middle name!
Losing is never an option!
My oh my, what a crazy life I have,
Never a wink of restful sleep,
Or offers of hands or shoulders to lean on, but opportunity will always be on my mind!
Priviledge doesn’t really exist for me, especially now.
Quests are embarked on,
Races are won,
Savages are met with serpents.
Today will be my day, which I constantly tell myself.
Universes will meet where I want and need them to.
Voracious for a win am I.
Winning is my first name!
Xylophone sounds will ring when I reach the top.
You will hear the sound of my name in lights!
Zero chance it won’t happen; one hundred percent chance it will!
Thursday, August 25, 2016
Struggle Bus
The struggle is real.
I usually emphasize the desire to thrive,
But now I yearn for the drive to survive.
Fight or flight mode hath been engaged,
As I try not to become enraged.
The only thing keeping me alive is getting high,
But now I understand what being poor feels like; I empathize.
I'm rich in ideas, connections, and will, but lack the currency;
I must get it with utmost urgency...
So this is what being an animal feels like.
The only person you can count on is yourself.
I may be surrounded by a pack,
But no one else has got my back;
The only way to win the battle is to win alone.
It is time to adventure some more into the great unknown!
All while living on a prayer!
I usually emphasize the desire to thrive,
But now I yearn for the drive to survive.
Fight or flight mode hath been engaged,
As I try not to become enraged.
The only thing keeping me alive is getting high,
But now I understand what being poor feels like; I empathize.
I'm rich in ideas, connections, and will, but lack the currency;
I must get it with utmost urgency...
So this is what being an animal feels like.
The only person you can count on is yourself.
I may be surrounded by a pack,
But no one else has got my back;
The only way to win the battle is to win alone.
It is time to adventure some more into the great unknown!
All while living on a prayer!
Tuesday, August 16, 2016
The Option Was Clear: You Are Worthy of Not Comparing Yourself to Others
The option was clear that it is time to be a free, independent woman. Free of ties holding me down, free of a career with no destiny, and the freedom to express myself as I please.
I’ve written several stories, poems, motivational whatnots, and then some, about not doubting myself, but I’ve had a bunch of trouble implementing them due to some past misadventures and traumatic situations, but what I’ve learned through my more recent endeavors is how success isn’t some magical destination point you pick on a map. Success isn’t sitting in a high-paying job ready to bang your head against the wall thinking you’re going nowhere. Success also isn’t having a picket fence lifestyle with prince charming and a bagillion dollars, though both of those would be nice.
Lately, Facebook has liked to inform me how this person had a baby and that person got engaged. I even just found out my twin sister is moving in with her boyfriend. Meanwhile, I’m single as fuck and proud. I’m still in my young mid 20’s and I’m not ready to settle down yet. I may not have a sleep schedule either… I can drive for Uber at “buttfuck o’clock” in the morning and no one to scorn me for being gone. I can attend an open mic nite or performance without someone wondering why I’m not spending 24/7 with them while I have a job and a life. I especially don’t have someone telling me indirectly it’s not ok to go camping with my friends, go to my karate classes, or how I’m never a good enough partner. That was basically the dynamic of my last relationship with “Voldemort” for 10.5 months. Once the relationship was over, I questioned my worth, which was already in question in my head due to many “not so good” relationships with my blood family. When faced with traumatic adversity, you have to condition your brain to see light to tell yourself “you are good enough”. For me, in order to attain as positive of an outlook towards myself as I can, I make sure to surround myself by people who will still be there for me, even when I feel like absolute poopie, and look for every opportunity possible to better myself. On August 13, 2016, I participated in a local talent show in Humboldt Park, Chicago, as a flow artist (“dancer”) and won first place in the adult division. My prize of loveliness was 2 tickets to a Steppenwolf Theater show and 2 tickets to the Chicago Symphony Orchestra in super good seats. After I found out I won, I was in disbelief, but told myself I’m worthy of accomplishments and winning talent shows. I am also worthy of my own creative creations of my own unique style being “good enough”. I’m still not quite in the mood to start dating again, but that’s ok, I can take 1 roommate friend as my date to the play and the other roommate friend as my date to the orchestra, both very attractive gay men! Problem solved! I’d rather be single than in a relationship that’s pulling me down. I will keep doing my best to ignore people’s Facebook bragging. I also need to tell myself I’m worthy of meeting a “real man”, as well as I am worthy of having real friends.
In the adventures of the recent college graduate and “adulting”, what else is important besides friends and relationships? My career. I’ve also told this story 18,000 times, but long story short, I got a nice shiny job right out of school as a Web Developer using my degree, I had bad manager syndrome and didn’t fit into the company, wasn’t around any peers, and was riding the fail train since day 1. I was on 2 separate teams, where the second team’s ship sank faster for me. It reached a point where it was either jump out the window with a parachute or be caught in the fire. I of course chose the parachute; on January 29, 2016, I walked into corporate desk job land for the last time. Now, I’m free from walking into work with the weight of the failure on my shoulders and happily serving as “Your Friendly Neighborhood Uber Driver” with a side of freelance gigs and however else I can scrape money. Now, I’m trying to figure out what to do next. At least for now, I’m still making money and able to pay my bills. I may have failed miserably at my job and had 0 success with what my job description told me to do, but I was able to take soft skill training classes, learn how businesses work, and get to attend an 800 dollar transformational leadership weekend seminar I didn’t have to pay for. There’s always something positive, even in the worst of situations.
SInce it’s Olympics o’clock, I sometimes watch the games with the roommate friends, as well as see results, motivational quotes, and more all over the interwebs. Especially with being an identical twin, I inadvertently catch myself comparing myself to others. I see people all over my Facebook news feed and these olympic athletes realizing their dreams. One of my biggest dreams is for content on one of my websites, blogs, or Youtube videos to go viral, thus, I would be a star. However, since stardom in any sort is incredibly difficult to attain, I need to be proud of myself for smaller milestones leading up to the ultimate goal. While driving for Uber, a lot of people ask me if I have other jobs/endeavors I’m pursuing in the meantime. I tell them about my dreams to go viral, my performance endeavors, my freelance gigs, and my uncertainty of continuing to pursue the field I studied in school. A lot of my passengers provide me with reassurance (as well as my dearest friends) of my personal goodness, which motivates me not to give up through adversity. I’ve received compliments on my quirkiness, which I sometimes fear is “too much” for others to handle as well.
I have to keep telling myself I’m worthy of accomplishments, having real friends, and having my creativity be worth something. Sometimes, I have to bash it through my head 8 million times to tell myself “I am good enough”. As long as I continue to shower myself and surround myself with positivity and not give up, the goal line will be able to be attained!
I’ve written several stories, poems, motivational whatnots, and then some, about not doubting myself, but I’ve had a bunch of trouble implementing them due to some past misadventures and traumatic situations, but what I’ve learned through my more recent endeavors is how success isn’t some magical destination point you pick on a map. Success isn’t sitting in a high-paying job ready to bang your head against the wall thinking you’re going nowhere. Success also isn’t having a picket fence lifestyle with prince charming and a bagillion dollars, though both of those would be nice.
Lately, Facebook has liked to inform me how this person had a baby and that person got engaged. I even just found out my twin sister is moving in with her boyfriend. Meanwhile, I’m single as fuck and proud. I’m still in my young mid 20’s and I’m not ready to settle down yet. I may not have a sleep schedule either… I can drive for Uber at “buttfuck o’clock” in the morning and no one to scorn me for being gone. I can attend an open mic nite or performance without someone wondering why I’m not spending 24/7 with them while I have a job and a life. I especially don’t have someone telling me indirectly it’s not ok to go camping with my friends, go to my karate classes, or how I’m never a good enough partner. That was basically the dynamic of my last relationship with “Voldemort” for 10.5 months. Once the relationship was over, I questioned my worth, which was already in question in my head due to many “not so good” relationships with my blood family. When faced with traumatic adversity, you have to condition your brain to see light to tell yourself “you are good enough”. For me, in order to attain as positive of an outlook towards myself as I can, I make sure to surround myself by people who will still be there for me, even when I feel like absolute poopie, and look for every opportunity possible to better myself. On August 13, 2016, I participated in a local talent show in Humboldt Park, Chicago, as a flow artist (“dancer”) and won first place in the adult division. My prize of loveliness was 2 tickets to a Steppenwolf Theater show and 2 tickets to the Chicago Symphony Orchestra in super good seats. After I found out I won, I was in disbelief, but told myself I’m worthy of accomplishments and winning talent shows. I am also worthy of my own creative creations of my own unique style being “good enough”. I’m still not quite in the mood to start dating again, but that’s ok, I can take 1 roommate friend as my date to the play and the other roommate friend as my date to the orchestra, both very attractive gay men! Problem solved! I’d rather be single than in a relationship that’s pulling me down. I will keep doing my best to ignore people’s Facebook bragging. I also need to tell myself I’m worthy of meeting a “real man”, as well as I am worthy of having real friends.
In the adventures of the recent college graduate and “adulting”, what else is important besides friends and relationships? My career. I’ve also told this story 18,000 times, but long story short, I got a nice shiny job right out of school as a Web Developer using my degree, I had bad manager syndrome and didn’t fit into the company, wasn’t around any peers, and was riding the fail train since day 1. I was on 2 separate teams, where the second team’s ship sank faster for me. It reached a point where it was either jump out the window with a parachute or be caught in the fire. I of course chose the parachute; on January 29, 2016, I walked into corporate desk job land for the last time. Now, I’m free from walking into work with the weight of the failure on my shoulders and happily serving as “Your Friendly Neighborhood Uber Driver” with a side of freelance gigs and however else I can scrape money. Now, I’m trying to figure out what to do next. At least for now, I’m still making money and able to pay my bills. I may have failed miserably at my job and had 0 success with what my job description told me to do, but I was able to take soft skill training classes, learn how businesses work, and get to attend an 800 dollar transformational leadership weekend seminar I didn’t have to pay for. There’s always something positive, even in the worst of situations.
SInce it’s Olympics o’clock, I sometimes watch the games with the roommate friends, as well as see results, motivational quotes, and more all over the interwebs. Especially with being an identical twin, I inadvertently catch myself comparing myself to others. I see people all over my Facebook news feed and these olympic athletes realizing their dreams. One of my biggest dreams is for content on one of my websites, blogs, or Youtube videos to go viral, thus, I would be a star. However, since stardom in any sort is incredibly difficult to attain, I need to be proud of myself for smaller milestones leading up to the ultimate goal. While driving for Uber, a lot of people ask me if I have other jobs/endeavors I’m pursuing in the meantime. I tell them about my dreams to go viral, my performance endeavors, my freelance gigs, and my uncertainty of continuing to pursue the field I studied in school. A lot of my passengers provide me with reassurance (as well as my dearest friends) of my personal goodness, which motivates me not to give up through adversity. I’ve received compliments on my quirkiness, which I sometimes fear is “too much” for others to handle as well.
I have to keep telling myself I’m worthy of accomplishments, having real friends, and having my creativity be worth something. Sometimes, I have to bash it through my head 8 million times to tell myself “I am good enough”. As long as I continue to shower myself and surround myself with positivity and not give up, the goal line will be able to be attained!
Thursday, May 26, 2016
Rebecca Duxler's Haiku Collection
A collection of as many of the haiku poems I can find, all written by yours truly :) Poems with a (xxx) at the top have a title. Enjoy!
Am I good enough?
Am I good enough?
Since I've accomplished so much,
I should know I am!
Every life matters
Death events should be honored,
Not by hashtag trends...
Today is the day
I deem myself important
And conquer the world
Find your inner strength
To plow through all obstacles
And blast to the moon
Transform every day
Living life to the fullest
Seeking growth and love
I want a burger
With every…single…topping…
Me at 2am
Where has the world gone?
Kindness exchanged for violence…
I’ll still maintain hope!
Why do we use guns?
Words can be used as weapons
Without shedding blood!
If Trump ran the world,
We’d be better off under
Robot mind control!
I am a black belt
I pack a nice punch, but don’t
Let my laugh fool you!
Be thankful for life
It can be taken away
Faster than you think
Don’t ever give up
Resilience always helps you
See the light of day
Follow all your dreams
You will certainly find them
If you keep fighting
(You Can Do It!)
You know you can do it
Keep telling yourself you can
Your goal will be reached!
(Fuel Your Fire)
Fuel your fire
Release whirlwinds of potential
For the world to see!
(No Quitting Allowed)
Resilience is key
You will thank yourself later
When you didn’t quit!
(Heart of Passion)
Passion is fashion
It lies in your heart pocket
To fuel the fire!
It’s impossible
To be everyone’s hero.
Change comes from yourself!
Turbulence exists
To say life isn’t perfect
While wisdom is gained!
Find your inner strength
To plow through all obstacles
And blast to the moon!
Forgiveness from within
Is manifested from love
And marching forward!
Climb every mountain
Like you’re scaling Mount Everest
To achieve your dreams!
I choose to live life
By embarking on ventures
Too crazy for you!
It’s never too late
To tell yourself today is
A beautiful day!
(Radical Stars)
Rockstars never quit
Adversity drives champions
Diving through the flames!
The second the wave
Crashes against the high tides,
All darkness subsides!
Trump for president...
Canada will turn into
New America
Thank the heavens for
Being alive and healthy;
You can change the world!
Artists are people
Who don't wish to conform to
Paper thin confines!
Not by hashtag trends...
Today is the day
I deem myself important
And conquer the world
Find your inner strength
To plow through all obstacles
And blast to the moon
Transform every day
Living life to the fullest
Seeking growth and love
I want a burger
With every…single…topping…
Me at 2am
Where has the world gone?
Kindness exchanged for violence…
I’ll still maintain hope!
Why do we use guns?
Words can be used as weapons
Without shedding blood!
If Trump ran the world,
We’d be better off under
Robot mind control!
I am a black belt
I pack a nice punch, but don’t
Let my laugh fool you!
Be thankful for life
It can be taken away
Faster than you think
Don’t ever give up
Resilience always helps you
See the light of day
Follow all your dreams
You will certainly find them
If you keep fighting
(You Can Do It!)
You know you can do it
Keep telling yourself you can
Your goal will be reached!
(Fuel Your Fire)
Fuel your fire
Release whirlwinds of potential
For the world to see!
(No Quitting Allowed)
Resilience is key
You will thank yourself later
When you didn’t quit!
(Heart of Passion)
Passion is fashion
It lies in your heart pocket
To fuel the fire!
It’s impossible
To be everyone’s hero.
Change comes from yourself!
Turbulence exists
To say life isn’t perfect
While wisdom is gained!
Find your inner strength
To plow through all obstacles
And blast to the moon!
Forgiveness from within
Is manifested from love
And marching forward!
Climb every mountain
Like you’re scaling Mount Everest
To achieve your dreams!
I choose to live life
By embarking on ventures
Too crazy for you!
It’s never too late
To tell yourself today is
A beautiful day!
(Radical Stars)
Rockstars never quit
Adversity drives champions
Diving through the flames!
The second the wave
Crashes against the high tides,
All darkness subsides!
I need to Uber;
There is money to be made.
Lots of adventures!
There is money to be made.
Lots of adventures!
First we work careers.
Then we drive into the night.
Time to make money!
Then we drive into the night.
Time to make money!
Trump for president...
Canada will turn into
New America
Thank the heavens for
Being alive and healthy;
You can change the world!
Artists are people
Who don't wish to conform to
Paper thin confines!
Friday, May 20, 2016
Stop Doubting Yourself
A little while ago, I wrote a motivational speech explaining how people should stop doubting themselves. Unfortunately, I've been quite guilty of doing so lately.
Thoughts from my past have lately been popping up in my head, all of questioning myself and decisions I made. The most recent example is when I recently decided to make a career change and left my “nice shiny job”, jumping off the top of a Chicago skyscraper and pulling the parachute cord. It was one of the scariest decisions I had ever made. I left safety and exchanged it for the unknown and adventures. I didn’t think I’d still be able to maintain independence, but have so far been successful.
When you’re a little kid, positive actions are rewarded by affirmation and negative and against the norm behavior are answered by punishment. For me, it seemed like everything in my line of sight was answered with a punishment or snarky response. It all started by getting kicked around in the womb by my twin, thus being born second. I didn’t care about one measly minute, but to her, it meant everything. She always wanted to be better than me and all I wanted to do was be me. I was always the brown banana in the bunch; it was the one that was still tasty and often thrown away or overlooked. I once walked outside in a pink scarf with flowers on it, a black shirt, pink skinny jeans, piano high knee socks, and skate shoes, all tied together with a pink bow headband. My mom gave me the stink eye and ask me if I was about to go in public looking how I did. I walked out the door. My sister didn’t receive the same treatment in my presence, and likely not at all. Little did I realize how bad I felt like I was screwed over for my adult life in terms of believing in myself.
Many people have told me how you're supposed to take pride in yourself, but how can you if the demons in your head are like a cancer eating at your self worth due to the dragons of your past you’re wrangling with? According to Maslow's hierarchy of needs, it is quite essential to feel a sense of belonging in this world. I wanted to find a special place of being welcomed and praised.
There have been many situations where everyone seemed to believe in me except for me. For example, towards the end of my senior year in college, as a Web Development major, I was given this assignment to make a web page with specific requirements. I was in the library among some of my friends investing in my screen. The demon spoke to me and told me there’s no way I’d ever be able to accomplish this task. When I took a few programming classes prior to this, I had to repeat 2 of them. Both classes were the ones I took with my sister, who showered me with how I was the most useless and crappy programmer ever. I was never really praised and thus, believed I was an awful programmer. I went to the professor’s office several times and he told me I’d surely be able to solve the programming puzzle. After mustering up the courage to spray the demon with pepper spray in the eye instead of backing down immediately, I successfully completed the assignment.
On December 5, 2015, I successfully tested for my black belt in Shotokan Karate. I was constantly showered with compliments by my peers in class, as well as from my friends. I wasn’t sure if I was going to pass the test and would ask my friends, “what if I failed my test?” I sometimes had these toxic thoughts in my head of how I’m not worthy of being a black belt. When I was trying to land my first job right out of school back when I was overweight, I was about to basically have interview number 20 and hadn’t received any offers yet. My mom told me I probably wasn’t receiving any offers because I was overweight and didn’t look good enough. I ended up landing that job. I took my karate test in front of the instructor who had once given me a low score. I was ready to show the world what I was made of. I obviously passed, am worthy of large accomplishments, and need to tell my brain to accept it.
In regards to maintaining relationships with other people, I sometimes felt like people were going to be offset by my quirkiness and how loud I am. I’ve had way too many poor and abusive relationships with men for my own good and I was bullied by peers and family from Pre-K through the end of college. I had also experienced several roommate fail situations, due to fear of communication on my end stemming from the fact standing up for myself at home was punished consistently, among other reasons. Surely enough, I was able to learn from the reasons that made my past relationships fail and hit the jackpot this time around. I am still not so lucky yet in terms of finding a romantic partner, but I’m sure it will soon change.
To top it off, when I graduated from college and was left to suffer the wrath of my parents, I was also left knowing I needed to move on from my high school friends. Thankfully, one of my friends from college introduced me to the Belegarth Medieval Combat Society, a group of nerds who enjoy playing a contact sport battle game where you hit each other with foam weapons. I tried to find a community (of women) to accept me in college, which turned into me being considered too weird to recruit people and only good enough to hand out the finger sandwiches and show Powerpoint slides. To my disbelief, after I was introduced to this nerd community, I was welcomed and accepted with open arms. I am worthy of having real friends who love and accept me for who I am and need to keep telling myself that.
Let me begin again by asking, “how would you take pride in yourself if you’ve been beaten down so many times?” The answer is resilience. People are bullies to those who value themselves because the bullies feel the need to hurt others to make themselves feel prideful. The targets for bullying are usually people who identify as being “different”. Every time I doubt myself and prove myself against a challenge, I become empowered. The empowerment motivates me to want to continue to push myself farther than I think I am capable of. Sticks and stones may break your bones, words may break your soul, but the only way to win the fight is to take a stand and keep standing.
Thoughts from my past have lately been popping up in my head, all of questioning myself and decisions I made. The most recent example is when I recently decided to make a career change and left my “nice shiny job”, jumping off the top of a Chicago skyscraper and pulling the parachute cord. It was one of the scariest decisions I had ever made. I left safety and exchanged it for the unknown and adventures. I didn’t think I’d still be able to maintain independence, but have so far been successful.
When you’re a little kid, positive actions are rewarded by affirmation and negative and against the norm behavior are answered by punishment. For me, it seemed like everything in my line of sight was answered with a punishment or snarky response. It all started by getting kicked around in the womb by my twin, thus being born second. I didn’t care about one measly minute, but to her, it meant everything. She always wanted to be better than me and all I wanted to do was be me. I was always the brown banana in the bunch; it was the one that was still tasty and often thrown away or overlooked. I once walked outside in a pink scarf with flowers on it, a black shirt, pink skinny jeans, piano high knee socks, and skate shoes, all tied together with a pink bow headband. My mom gave me the stink eye and ask me if I was about to go in public looking how I did. I walked out the door. My sister didn’t receive the same treatment in my presence, and likely not at all. Little did I realize how bad I felt like I was screwed over for my adult life in terms of believing in myself.
Many people have told me how you're supposed to take pride in yourself, but how can you if the demons in your head are like a cancer eating at your self worth due to the dragons of your past you’re wrangling with? According to Maslow's hierarchy of needs, it is quite essential to feel a sense of belonging in this world. I wanted to find a special place of being welcomed and praised.
There have been many situations where everyone seemed to believe in me except for me. For example, towards the end of my senior year in college, as a Web Development major, I was given this assignment to make a web page with specific requirements. I was in the library among some of my friends investing in my screen. The demon spoke to me and told me there’s no way I’d ever be able to accomplish this task. When I took a few programming classes prior to this, I had to repeat 2 of them. Both classes were the ones I took with my sister, who showered me with how I was the most useless and crappy programmer ever. I was never really praised and thus, believed I was an awful programmer. I went to the professor’s office several times and he told me I’d surely be able to solve the programming puzzle. After mustering up the courage to spray the demon with pepper spray in the eye instead of backing down immediately, I successfully completed the assignment.
On December 5, 2015, I successfully tested for my black belt in Shotokan Karate. I was constantly showered with compliments by my peers in class, as well as from my friends. I wasn’t sure if I was going to pass the test and would ask my friends, “what if I failed my test?” I sometimes had these toxic thoughts in my head of how I’m not worthy of being a black belt. When I was trying to land my first job right out of school back when I was overweight, I was about to basically have interview number 20 and hadn’t received any offers yet. My mom told me I probably wasn’t receiving any offers because I was overweight and didn’t look good enough. I ended up landing that job. I took my karate test in front of the instructor who had once given me a low score. I was ready to show the world what I was made of. I obviously passed, am worthy of large accomplishments, and need to tell my brain to accept it.
In regards to maintaining relationships with other people, I sometimes felt like people were going to be offset by my quirkiness and how loud I am. I’ve had way too many poor and abusive relationships with men for my own good and I was bullied by peers and family from Pre-K through the end of college. I had also experienced several roommate fail situations, due to fear of communication on my end stemming from the fact standing up for myself at home was punished consistently, among other reasons. Surely enough, I was able to learn from the reasons that made my past relationships fail and hit the jackpot this time around. I am still not so lucky yet in terms of finding a romantic partner, but I’m sure it will soon change.
To top it off, when I graduated from college and was left to suffer the wrath of my parents, I was also left knowing I needed to move on from my high school friends. Thankfully, one of my friends from college introduced me to the Belegarth Medieval Combat Society, a group of nerds who enjoy playing a contact sport battle game where you hit each other with foam weapons. I tried to find a community (of women) to accept me in college, which turned into me being considered too weird to recruit people and only good enough to hand out the finger sandwiches and show Powerpoint slides. To my disbelief, after I was introduced to this nerd community, I was welcomed and accepted with open arms. I am worthy of having real friends who love and accept me for who I am and need to keep telling myself that.
Let me begin again by asking, “how would you take pride in yourself if you’ve been beaten down so many times?” The answer is resilience. People are bullies to those who value themselves because the bullies feel the need to hurt others to make themselves feel prideful. The targets for bullying are usually people who identify as being “different”. Every time I doubt myself and prove myself against a challenge, I become empowered. The empowerment motivates me to want to continue to push myself farther than I think I am capable of. Sticks and stones may break your bones, words may break your soul, but the only way to win the fight is to take a stand and keep standing.
Friday, May 6, 2016
Story of Growing Up as an Identical Twin and Overcoming Adversity
Story time:
*Note this comes from a standpoint of someone who's met few other sets of twins, was never close with any of them, and they were all fraternal, including my estranged first cousins. I am also in my 20s!
I do not like comparing myself to others, especially my sister, but I've been thinking a bunch lately. I've always wondered how family dynamics worked and in a family with multiple siblings, constitutes a "perfect child" vs a "problem child". Starting with being born and not being able to control who's older or younger, sometimes, your sibling can be a few years older or younger than you. Imagine being born the same day, or even the same hour as someone. From birth, I guess I was always supposed to be the one who got kicked around. My parents said I was getting pushed around inside my mom's stomach. To my not so disbelief, my sister was born a minute before me, making me "the younger sibling" by technicality. I didn't see a minute as meaning anything and saw us on the same playing field. A minute to her meant everything. She stole my toys, was always selfish, and tried to boss me around, and still tries to boss me around to this day. We were both picked on a little in high school, but my being picked on started even before preschool when a boy named Joseph would pull my hair tie and stick it inside the plastic holes in the slide. Her being picked on was brief and mine lasted until the end of college, while I was even bullied by her. I ended up having a worse relationship with my parents, being looked at as the "problem child"; whenever my sister would get picked on by people, it would trickle onto me, and then trickle onto a pen and paper. Unsurprisingly, I've been diagnosed with depression.
I've noticed in a lot of sets of twins, one has a medical problem at birth and the other is healthy. I was obviously the one with the medical problem, but said medical problem is gone thankfully. I was the "expense" because I had medical problems. I felt like I was treated different, and probably was I'm sure. My sister also seemed to have a smoother ride in college. Our grades were generally always the same, we scored similarly on standardized tests and moved up the same in karate as a child. But I ended up being the one who's laptop broke. I was the one who lost several credits, failed 2 classes and had to go to summer school in order to graduate on time, who took longer to get a job and internship, who had the roommate and apartment problems, the mental health problems, the gaining weight, treated poorly by men, etc. The more problems I had in college, the more and more I was the problem child. The more and more I was picked on and treated poorly, the more and more I began realizing I was different and had different heart beat (literally). I had to keep pushing through adversity. Before I finished school, I had a 4 hour conversation with a 37 year old (at the time) marine veteran who explained to me the benefits of being different and how to handle being the problem child. Shortly after that and coming into contact with Belegarth (my nerd group of awesomeness), I began accepting how even though my parents tried to steer me away from being different, being myself will overall make me happy and advance down my chosen and destined path. My sister would conform to my parents and I would still do my own thing (while still trying to follow the rules as much as possible). I did not realize being different would promote ridicule, but as soon as I broke free, I continued to be different and myself. I would end up reading articles with the end result basically saying how the ones who distinguish themselves from others are the ones who were different. I am very lucky to have found the enlightened path at the end of the tunnel of all the crap I put up with from birth to the end of college and then some. Twins, identical or fraternal, are NOT the same people. Who you become is based on your environment. And one measly minute doesn't matter in the end. Hardships only make you stronger.
I've noticed in a lot of sets of twins, one has a medical problem at birth and the other is healthy. I was obviously the one with the medical problem, but said medical problem is gone thankfully. I was the "expense" because I had medical problems. I felt like I was treated different, and probably was I'm sure. My sister also seemed to have a smoother ride in college. Our grades were generally always the same, we scored similarly on standardized tests and moved up the same in karate as a child. But I ended up being the one who's laptop broke. I was the one who lost several credits, failed 2 classes and had to go to summer school in order to graduate on time, who took longer to get a job and internship, who had the roommate and apartment problems, the mental health problems, the gaining weight, treated poorly by men, etc. The more problems I had in college, the more and more I was the problem child. The more and more I was picked on and treated poorly, the more and more I began realizing I was different and had different heart beat (literally). I had to keep pushing through adversity. Before I finished school, I had a 4 hour conversation with a 37 year old (at the time) marine veteran who explained to me the benefits of being different and how to handle being the problem child. Shortly after that and coming into contact with Belegarth (my nerd group of awesomeness), I began accepting how even though my parents tried to steer me away from being different, being myself will overall make me happy and advance down my chosen and destined path. My sister would conform to my parents and I would still do my own thing (while still trying to follow the rules as much as possible). I did not realize being different would promote ridicule, but as soon as I broke free, I continued to be different and myself. I would end up reading articles with the end result basically saying how the ones who distinguish themselves from others are the ones who were different. I am very lucky to have found the enlightened path at the end of the tunnel of all the crap I put up with from birth to the end of college and then some. Twins, identical or fraternal, are NOT the same people. Who you become is based on your environment. And one measly minute doesn't matter in the end. Hardships only make you stronger.
Monday, January 4, 2016
Motivational Quotes for the New Year
Quote 1: Today is always one step forward for being alive!
Quote 2: Today’s failure is tomorrow’s success!
Quote 3: It is not your job to please everyone. Even if you make an unpopular decision, as long as the decision is yours, it makes you happy, and stands by your moralized code of ethics, don’t let other’s disapproval cloud your vision!
Thursday, December 24, 2015
Never Ever Give Up Pride
I have a bunch of song lyrics I wrote within the past few years (not too many new ones currently), and this is one of them. I generally write songs for metal music. All words enclosed in caps, **, and !!!!! mean the word is meant to be emphasized and screamed. Enjoy the more harsh side of me!
======================================
Dear God,
Please hurry up!
Just make this world a better place to live in.
Open your eyes and see what people are suffering through!
This pit of pain needs to go away!
Is change as difficult as it seems?
While trying not to give up,
It’s difficult to overcome the feelings of being on a sinking ship
As life and time turn the page.
Why do people seem to never understand
Who us “different people” are trying to represent…
However, challenging society as one of those “different” people
Comes with a large price and an even greater reward.
The evil spirits are terrorizing us,
Causing countless casualties to the colored.
Bliss seems to be in distant lands.
Some may even be crazy enough to embark on these journeys alone while never giving up
*PRIDE!!!!!*
It’s what we see in our minds.
Everyone wants a glimpse of this beautiful victory.
Sometimes there are people down on their luck
*screams* Look past it,
Get over it,
It will be over soon.
*Never let those fuck ups pry into and destroy your glorious chant*
We all analyze society
And how much of a hot mess it is,
But we continue to roll along in lala land
On the painful march towards the glory road of life
*AND LOVE!!!!!*
Throughout our youth,
We’re oh so sheltered and think our destiny is as small and direct as an acorn.
I was told you need to do xyz, go to school, get a job, and off you go goodbye!
It’s such a bust…
When the adventures take shape,
The field of vision morphs from an acorn to an ocean!
Some wonder why
People want to toss the towel in so soon.
All it does is hinder your life.
Patience is your ultimate virtue
Don’t rush into the current of the tide
Or you will drown.
When you’re stuck on the ground,
Don’t frown
Because there are always ways around.
Once you make it to the top,
People will see you as a guru and use you as an example.
Keep your head in the game
And be the one to go out of the line to get straight to the top.
While society brainwashes itself with excuses,
There is a select few who decide to look for the secret levels across the fire pit.
It’s scary,
Be wary,
Keep going… and never ever give up
*PRIDE!!!!!*
It’s what we see in our minds.
Everyone wants a glimpse of this beautiful victory.
Sometimes there are people down on their luck
*screams* Look past it,
Get over it,
It will be over soon.
*Never let those fuck ups pry into and destroy your glorious chant*
We all analyze society
And how much of a hot mess it is,
But we continue to roll along in lala land
On the painful march towards the glory road of life
*AND LOVE!!!!!*
It’s scary,
Always be wary,
But keep on going… and never ever give up
*PRIDE!!!!!*
Monday, December 21, 2015
Sail at the Shooting Star
Meanwhile in short poem land... Sail at the Shooting Star! I wrote this to represent my desires to feel like I'm making it in this world!
=================================
Whenever I see people who’ve climbed to the top already,
I wonder why I haven’t reached the peak yet…
I wonder why I haven’t reached the peak yet…
I’m sure there are plenty of people who go through the routine of waking up, doing whatever in the bathroom, eating breakfast, going to work, coming home, eating dinner, watching TV, and going to bed.
But I want more, even if it means losing my sanity a little.
But I want more, even if it means losing my sanity a little.
When my eyes see the light each morning, I feel like I end up writing the same thing in my journal,
As I travel merrily on my way to nowhere.
Is there really a yellow brick road this movie speaks of, to lead me to the land of destiny?
The place where I pave my own path,
Acknowledge my accidents,
And move forward frequently?
As I travel merrily on my way to nowhere.
Is there really a yellow brick road this movie speaks of, to lead me to the land of destiny?
The place where I pave my own path,
Acknowledge my accidents,
And move forward frequently?
Being forced to fly on the isle of my creators,
I had to navigate the stormy skies alone,
Thinking there’s no finish line,
While still sailing away.
I had to navigate the stormy skies alone,
Thinking there’s no finish line,
While still sailing away.
Resilience guides me through each sorry letter thrown in the shredder,
And each match lost with no damper in my spirits.
I will never accept a knockout,
Even if every ounce of me is broken.
And each match lost with no damper in my spirits.
I will never accept a knockout,
Even if every ounce of me is broken.
The warrior’s spirit tells me not to be like Violet,
Otherwise I’ll turn into a giant exploding blueberry sentenced back to start.
My guru tells me if I wait for the shooting star, I'll be able to snap the right photo!
The goal is near,
Just keep plugging away
Because when resilience wins,
You win!
Just keep plugging away
Because when resilience wins,
You win!
Thursday, December 10, 2015
Winning Badassery's Emblem
This is the journey leading up to my black belt test (starting a few days before the test) and my journey of the black belt test itself. Enjoy!
=======================================================================
It was the week before my black belt test and I sat isolated at my grey, windowless cubicle each day quivering with anxiety about whether or not I'll pass. My roommates were cheering for me, all of my friends were cheering for me, and everyone in my karate classes were cheering for me. I had to make sure I cheered for myself, too!
I had been waiting to test for my black belt since the day after September 11, 2001, and the day has finally come. I needed to make sure I was in the proper mindset for the test. On the last class before the exam, since in my classes on Thursday nights, we do a “formal bowing ceremony” prior to starting the class called “sei-za”; there’s a meditation portion within this bowing sequence and the instructor decided to emphasize it in class. While meditating, it occurred to me to work from home the next day in order to prevent myself from staring blankly at my computer having thoughts saturating in my head of anything regarding the karate exam. I sought spiritual guidance and direction from a trip to a sensory deprivation tank. When I arrived at the tank, I stripped my clothes off, lied in the neutral bath of Epsom salt water, and opened my arms to take in the world’s positive energy. When you’re in the tank, you feel like you’re having dreams when you’re not actually in “sleep mode”; instead, you’re in more of an induced meditative state. One of the dreams I had was passing my karate exam and becoming super emotional. Once the hour of the float elapsed, my energy was restored; I was forsure ready for my exam and worthy of earning my black belt.
December 5, 2015 quickly approached. I spent all day at home relaxing, practicing a little, refreshing my memory on Japanese terminology, picking up my gi, and picking up one of my roommates from work thanks to him being oh so kind enough to watch my exam. When I arrived at the testing venue, I frantically applied my essential oils for mental balance, chugged water, and waited to be placed in line to test. I was of course the oldest one in my testing session, but that’s because being a 20 something isn’t a very popular demographic in my karate club. While I was waiting for my name to be called, since there were less people than usual in my testing group, I was to either test in front of the dojo owner or test for the most senior instructor who I tested in front of when I tested poorly prior to taking a 5.5 year karate hiatus at the end of my junior year in high school. Testing for the senior instructor would be my redemption to show him how much I’ve grown in the 7+ years since the last time I saw him. When my name was called, it was no surprise to I’d have to test in front of the senior instructor.
It was time to kick some ass and take some names. I took a deep breath and waited in my ready stance for the test to start. “Downward block assume!” was called. The fire was lit. As we were doing warm up punches and kicks down the floor, of course my contact decided to almost fall out; doing front kicks forward and backward down the floor while having one functioning eye felt like a half blind man trying not to bump into walls. My contact eventually popped back in. “Inward block reverse punch”; “Downward block reverse punch”; “Knife hand block”; “Front kick, spear hand thrust”. I was desperate for water and gasping for air. It also felt weird when the judges were staring at my loud breathing, but I’d rather be breathing loud than not show any fighting spirit. My “kiai” spirit yells were louder than the sound of hearing a firetruck siren from your house. Once the basics portion of the test was done, it was time to do our katas. Before beginning the kata, you announce the name of what you're performing; “Bai Sai Dai”, channeled from my heart through my mouth. The executed kata was successful. Next, it was time for the colored belt katas. Thankfully, we had to do these katas for the tournaments; I completely spaced on having to do those katas for the first degree brown belt going on black belt test… oops! “Heian Godan” gets called and it went very well too of course. After katas were performed, it was time for target tests, to see if we could punch a target and escape in time and kick a target. I hit the focus mitt with as much drive as I could with plenty of accuracy. Once the target tests were over, we were asked Japanese terms and needed to execute the move corresponding to the Japanese term called out. “Kosa Dachi”; “Shuto Uke”; “Mawashi Geri”. All of those were called out correctly. We were then asked how many classes we attended, if we went to any tournaments, and if we went to the kickathon service event fundraiser to raise money for charities involving helping sick children. For the final portion of the test, it was time to do one point sparring, meaning each person goes to the front of the line and does a block/counter technique to the person throwing the attack. When it came my turn, I was luckily presented with opportunities to catch people’s round kicks, spin them around, and followup with a punch. By the time the test was over, my legs were ready to collapse faster than an olympic sprinter who just won first place.
The day after the exam, I performed my testing kata one last time for an audience in a Chicago all women’s variety show called “Beast Women Rising”. Feedback from my karate was thankfully very positive. One long day of work while anxiously awaiting my results elapsed, and it was time to receive my results. I arrived at my class, and it was announced in front of everyone I had earned my black belt. I pictured myself in my dreams crying my eyes out in the middle of class, but instead, I wasn't surprised. Since I went into the exam feeling confident and telling myself I’m worthy of earning my black belt, the results were returned as expected. Victory is mine and I am now worthy of the official title of badassery!
=======================================================================
It was the week before my black belt test and I sat isolated at my grey, windowless cubicle each day quivering with anxiety about whether or not I'll pass. My roommates were cheering for me, all of my friends were cheering for me, and everyone in my karate classes were cheering for me. I had to make sure I cheered for myself, too!
I had been waiting to test for my black belt since the day after September 11, 2001, and the day has finally come. I needed to make sure I was in the proper mindset for the test. On the last class before the exam, since in my classes on Thursday nights, we do a “formal bowing ceremony” prior to starting the class called “sei-za”; there’s a meditation portion within this bowing sequence and the instructor decided to emphasize it in class. While meditating, it occurred to me to work from home the next day in order to prevent myself from staring blankly at my computer having thoughts saturating in my head of anything regarding the karate exam. I sought spiritual guidance and direction from a trip to a sensory deprivation tank. When I arrived at the tank, I stripped my clothes off, lied in the neutral bath of Epsom salt water, and opened my arms to take in the world’s positive energy. When you’re in the tank, you feel like you’re having dreams when you’re not actually in “sleep mode”; instead, you’re in more of an induced meditative state. One of the dreams I had was passing my karate exam and becoming super emotional. Once the hour of the float elapsed, my energy was restored; I was forsure ready for my exam and worthy of earning my black belt.
December 5, 2015 quickly approached. I spent all day at home relaxing, practicing a little, refreshing my memory on Japanese terminology, picking up my gi, and picking up one of my roommates from work thanks to him being oh so kind enough to watch my exam. When I arrived at the testing venue, I frantically applied my essential oils for mental balance, chugged water, and waited to be placed in line to test. I was of course the oldest one in my testing session, but that’s because being a 20 something isn’t a very popular demographic in my karate club. While I was waiting for my name to be called, since there were less people than usual in my testing group, I was to either test in front of the dojo owner or test for the most senior instructor who I tested in front of when I tested poorly prior to taking a 5.5 year karate hiatus at the end of my junior year in high school. Testing for the senior instructor would be my redemption to show him how much I’ve grown in the 7+ years since the last time I saw him. When my name was called, it was no surprise to I’d have to test in front of the senior instructor.
It was time to kick some ass and take some names. I took a deep breath and waited in my ready stance for the test to start. “Downward block assume!” was called. The fire was lit. As we were doing warm up punches and kicks down the floor, of course my contact decided to almost fall out; doing front kicks forward and backward down the floor while having one functioning eye felt like a half blind man trying not to bump into walls. My contact eventually popped back in. “Inward block reverse punch”; “Downward block reverse punch”; “Knife hand block”; “Front kick, spear hand thrust”. I was desperate for water and gasping for air. It also felt weird when the judges were staring at my loud breathing, but I’d rather be breathing loud than not show any fighting spirit. My “kiai” spirit yells were louder than the sound of hearing a firetruck siren from your house. Once the basics portion of the test was done, it was time to do our katas. Before beginning the kata, you announce the name of what you're performing; “Bai Sai Dai”, channeled from my heart through my mouth. The executed kata was successful. Next, it was time for the colored belt katas. Thankfully, we had to do these katas for the tournaments; I completely spaced on having to do those katas for the first degree brown belt going on black belt test… oops! “Heian Godan” gets called and it went very well too of course. After katas were performed, it was time for target tests, to see if we could punch a target and escape in time and kick a target. I hit the focus mitt with as much drive as I could with plenty of accuracy. Once the target tests were over, we were asked Japanese terms and needed to execute the move corresponding to the Japanese term called out. “Kosa Dachi”; “Shuto Uke”; “Mawashi Geri”. All of those were called out correctly. We were then asked how many classes we attended, if we went to any tournaments, and if we went to the kickathon service event fundraiser to raise money for charities involving helping sick children. For the final portion of the test, it was time to do one point sparring, meaning each person goes to the front of the line and does a block/counter technique to the person throwing the attack. When it came my turn, I was luckily presented with opportunities to catch people’s round kicks, spin them around, and followup with a punch. By the time the test was over, my legs were ready to collapse faster than an olympic sprinter who just won first place.
The day after the exam, I performed my testing kata one last time for an audience in a Chicago all women’s variety show called “Beast Women Rising”. Feedback from my karate was thankfully very positive. One long day of work while anxiously awaiting my results elapsed, and it was time to receive my results. I arrived at my class, and it was announced in front of everyone I had earned my black belt. I pictured myself in my dreams crying my eyes out in the middle of class, but instead, I wasn't surprised. Since I went into the exam feeling confident and telling myself I’m worthy of earning my black belt, the results were returned as expected. Victory is mine and I am now worthy of the official title of badassery!
Tuesday, December 8, 2015
Black Belt Status
The journey to me finally earning my black belt (as an adult instead of at 18) in Shotokan Karate. Enjoy!
=================================
After a journey of about 14 years and 3 months, I finally earned my black belt in Shotokan Karate. It definitely wasn’t the same experience as most people in karate have, where they start as a child, progress to their black belt, and go from there. I had to experience having a bad test, finding my identity and myself, and realizing how worthy I am of achieving my goals.
The first day I walked into the dojo, the day after September 11, I was a 10 year old little girl looking for the sport I was to excel in as a child. I tried soccer, ice skating, gymnastics, swimming, dance, and much more. My mom recommended I try karate and I figured it couldn’t hurt, especially with my bullying history, even at the tender elementary school age. I did karate from 5th grade until the end of my junior year in high school with my twin sister. At that point in our lives, we did the same activities together. We also scored the same on every single exam. When we did karate together, I feel like I didn’t take karate as seriously as I should have; each time we’d get partnered together, I wouldn’t exert my full effort. By the time we reached the end of our junior year in high school, we were third degree brown belts (three belts away from black) and needed 2 more black stripes (there’s 4 black stripes to a belt when you’re under 18) to move up to second degree brown belt. After third degree brown belt, there’s just second degree brown belt, first degree brown belt, and then black. We took our exam, returned to class to receive our results, and the instructor pulls us aside and told us we got one stripe. My sister felt super discouraged and ended up quitting. About two or three weeks later, I felt uncomfortable going to the class by myself without her and stopped attending classes myself. Unfortunately, I had a looming cloud over my head, feeling guilty for quitting because I knew in my heart I quit because I followed her and didn’t fully want to quit.
Once I reached my junior year of college, I realized I needed to establish my own identity outside of being an identical twin. Going to the same school as my twin sister, having the same major, and even sharing most of the same friends, my senses and sources were telling me to break free. After I went on a group trip to Israel with her, seeing as I could tell she didn’t want me around, I knew I needed to pave my own way. Once I returned from Israel, I began shaping my identity by becoming very involved with the IT department club and even ran it my senior year. Unfortunately, once college was over, I had lost my high school sports body and became overweight. Oops! When I realized being in karate was when I was in the best shape of my life, in addition to feeling bad about quitting due to following my sister, my heart told me return and get my black belt. I called the ISKC (Illinois Shotokan Karate Clubs) to sign up for classes again the September after I graduated from college, but missed the start of the session and had to wait until January to start. I had also just missed the testing cycle, which would mean the cycle would start over and I would be on track to test right away after 6 months. In January 2014, I stepped back into the dojo, as a clueless third degree brown belt wearing a white belt due to forgetting 70 percent of everything. Except this time, I was to walk into the dojo, alone, while paying for classes and such with my own money.
During this almost 2 year journey, I needed to restore my confidence, my health, and gain a sense of self. About a week and a half before my karate exam, I went to visit my second family for the holidays in the lovely Davenport, Iowa. While in Iowa, I was not only showered with love, but told how worthy I am of making life progress, facing my fears, and achieving my goals. After my trip to Davenport and another week of work, I ventured to a sensory deprivation chamber in Lincoln Park at a place called Spacetime Tanks, to seek further direction and positive energy towards passing my karate exam. My senses told me I needed to acknowledge my past, accept my past happened and is over now, and leave feeling revitalized. The only thing to possibly hold me back from passing my test is to not believe in myself. I complete the last week of karate classes and get my “test permission slip” signed and go to take my exam. Prior to the test, I had a feeling I was going to have to test for the instructor who gave me the bad grade; surely enough, I did. I told myself to give it everything I have and do my best. It also meant more to me because I wanted to show him I was a mature adult who now fully understands and embodies the meaning and values of Shotokan Karate. *describe karate exam*
When I left the exam, I knew I had a good day. I was the loudest at screaming and huffing and puffing, the oldest one in the room taking my test, I aced all of my Japanese vocabulary this time instead of missing one, I didn’t drop my foot during the front kick to the front, side thrust kick to the front exercise, and left knowing I had done my best and needed to await my results. I even had a dream of me passing my test as I was becoming super sentimental when finding out I passed my test. When I arrived to receive my test results, I, to not much surprise, found out I passed and had finally earned my black belt. The other irony is one of my instructors from my childhood who was taking over for my current instructor on a brief leave for a few weeks, delivered my results to me. Despite seeing much career failure during my time in karate, this was the victory I needed to tell me I am worthy at succeeding at my true passions and even succeeding in general. We are all worthy of success, even when experiencing darkness and/or failure in other areas of life. If you tell yourself you can do it and really set your mind to it, you’ll be unstoppable and see light farther ahead than in distant planets!
Tuesday, November 24, 2015
Find Treasure in the Red Zone 2015
Find Treasure in the Red Zone 2015 - Probably one of the most real poems I've written in a very long time and I've spent longer on this piece than most of my other poems. Enjoy! This is basically what I discovered after lots and lots of recent deep reflections!
=====================================================================
I am a warrior princess and must be strong for you.
On the streets, I am not a black belt, contact sport artist, or badass;
I am a small, vulnerable little girl, hungry for life’s adventures.
On the streets, I am not a black belt, contact sport artist, or badass;
I am a small, vulnerable little girl, hungry for life’s adventures.
If fifteen is my lucky number,
How would I end up in the red zone more than the green?
How would I end up in the red zone more than the green?
I put a mask over my scars every day
While I bury my baggage under my bed for me to know and no one to ever find out;
It digs a pit into my heart of which I am trying to fill with love.
But I am a strong warrior princess who must feign being fine.
While I bury my baggage under my bed for me to know and no one to ever find out;
It digs a pit into my heart of which I am trying to fill with love.
But I am a strong warrior princess who must feign being fine.
If I was really man’s best friend,
Why would attempts at kindness from men turn into my body acting like the fire alarm is going off?
I need to turn into an animal to make sure you don’t turn on me.
I wear a smile every day
While turning the red into inspirational quotes drawn on post it notes
To prevent myself from ending up needing to curl into a fetal position.
Why would attempts at kindness from men turn into my body acting like the fire alarm is going off?
I need to turn into an animal to make sure you don’t turn on me.
I wear a smile every day
While turning the red into inspirational quotes drawn on post it notes
To prevent myself from ending up needing to curl into a fetal position.
Oh womanhood,
How childlike you make me feel.
I can’t have a positive connection with my woman creator;
As a result fear my own gender while befriending men who think wanting to “chill” has a further assumed meaning than watching TV and talking.
How childlike you make me feel.
I can’t have a positive connection with my woman creator;
As a result fear my own gender while befriending men who think wanting to “chill” has a further assumed meaning than watching TV and talking.
I’m a 16 year old vulnerable little girl
Who’s scared to death of her first kiss,
Because being violated so many times
Makes me see affectionate touch is a warzone instead of a safe haven.
Who’s scared to death of her first kiss,
Because being violated so many times
Makes me see affectionate touch is a warzone instead of a safe haven.
I want to find a magic lamp to wish for my virginity to have all nine lives again
In the same way you reset a video game when you’re about to get a game over
So you don’t lose your progress when you’re about to beat the game.
In the same way you reset a video game when you’re about to get a game over
So you don’t lose your progress when you’re about to beat the game.
I want to feel pure again, unharmed like a healthy newborn baby,
Releasing the balloons and walking towards the rainbow.
Love is something to be given and received.
After finding music at a big dance concert at the Aragon to spread the sands of love
And hearing the resilient saxophone player roaring at 4am at the Green Mill to drunk people,
I have come to realize love is right in front of me;
I don’t have to search extra to find it unless I want to end up in shady town each time.
It has helped me channel the warrior’s strength to make my baggage feel like a 5lb weight being carried with one finger.
If fifteen is my lucky number,
I’d realize being in the red doesn’t mean game over;
It means I’m experiencing life fully and learning a lesson.
As I have been on more roller coasters and in more states in the last five months than I’ve been in my entire life.
I’d realize being in the red doesn’t mean game over;
It means I’m experiencing life fully and learning a lesson.
As I have been on more roller coasters and in more states in the last five months than I’ve been in my entire life.
Red is the universal color for love;
I just need to know it’s in my heart and in the stars the entire time.
I will look in mirror to confidently say “I love me and am worthy of love”!
For that, I shall be thankful!
Friday, October 16, 2015
Today, 10-16-15, in Micropoetry... "Fighter's Fire"
This is about what goes through my head every day. Enjoy the mini poem!
Friday, October 9, 2015
Today, 10-9-15, in Micropoetry... "Shining Light" (3 Haiku Poems)
Screw all this shooting and negative crap the media portrays. Instead, here's 3 haiku poems of light:
Be thankful for life
It can be taken away
Faster than you think
It can be taken away
Faster than you think
Don’t ever give up
Resilience always helps you
See the light of day
Resilience always helps you
See the light of day
Follow all your dreams
You will certainly find them
If you keep fighting
You will certainly find them
If you keep fighting
Friday, August 21, 2015
Today, 8-20-15, in Micropoetry...
Some motivational haikus for all you lovely people out there. Enjoy!
(You Can Do It!)
You know you can do it
(You Can Do It!)
You know you can do it
Keep telling yourself you can
Your goal will be reached!
(Fuel Your Fire)
Fuel your fire
Release whirlwinds of potential
For the world to see!
(No Quitting Allowed)
Resilience is key
You will thank yourself later
When you didn’t quit!
(Heart of Passion)
Passion is fashion
It lies in your heart pocket
To fuel the fire!
Wednesday, August 19, 2015
Teachings and Lessons from Failure
I’ve been having quite the eventful past few weeks, and have summarized my recent reflections. I am speaking from experience here. I didn’t get the first, second, or third job I applied for. I failed 2 classes in college. I’ve gotten F’s on exams plenty of times, but still won several scholarships and had a solid GPA. I’ve missed deadlines. I’ve received so many rejection letters for contests and castings I’ve applied for it’s not even funny. We are human and there is no possible way to get accepted to everything and succeed on all the shots you take. Nope, nope, nope! I am currently experiencing a failure in my life right now, and here is what I have to say for myself:
After a very disheartening meeting at work, I was sent a quote this morning which perfectly described my current feelings on life:
Arnold Schwarzenegger once said, "Strength does not come from winning. Your struggles develop your strengths. When you go through hardships and decide not to surrender, that is strength."
Not every battle ends in victory. Not every exam in school earns an A, a B, or even a C. Not every audition will land you the lead role, or even a part at all.
Failure is defined as not meeting a desired or expected goal.
Winning isn’t easy, but the first way to be able to do so is to get the fuck out of bed and tell yourself how glorious of a day you’re going to have. Carry that attitude with you to the finish line, and bam, your chances of success increase just with a positive attitude.
Unfortunately, the path to the finish line isn’t just running across a straight line and whoop, there it is. There’s twists, turns, ups, downs, lefts, rights, and plenty of downs. When you reach a down, you may feel like you’re so far into the ground there’s no way to get up. You lie there, feeling like you’ve reached your pending doom; but lying down isn’t what’s going to drive you forward. The moment you let the light reach your eyes and realize the hole contains a hidden ladder to climb out is the moment you realize you CAN do it. Keep telling yourself you can in the same way the childhood fable characters adapted to struggles, hardship, and adversity, to realize their greatest potentials.
Everybody has moments where they fall short. Everybody has moments when they trip over their shoelaces, or miss a step in a dance, or drop a line, or even make a miscalculation for a major project, present it to the CEO and an audience, and have the entire audience realize your mistake. Failure is a real thing; nobody is perfect. We are human, therefore perfection is the only aspect of life to be deemed impossible.
How do you take failure into your life? Do you let it rule you? Do you let it tell you how much you can’t do xyz? Do you let it tell you the end of the world is approaching? No. You take a deep breath, close your eyes, count to 10, reflect, and keep walking. Giving up, especially without a valiant fight, is your worst enemy, because you only run out of hit points when you die. If you keep walking, you will have as many tries to reach the finish line as your heart desires.
When you fail, think about what caused your result to not turn out as expected, tweak your plan, and try try again. Keep on trying, because success will be achieved as long as you always back yourself up and allow your imagination to tell you a positive result exists. When you fail, don’t just think, “oh, I fucked up”. Instead, ingest this experience and take proper corrective action to learn from your mistakes. Failure isn’t a death sentence. It’s a moment of learning lessons and personal growth and enlightenment. It’s another few paragraphs or even an entire chapter’s worth of juicy content to add to your story.
Society seems to have glorified expectations of what a “successful” person is. You see people already at the top and think they magically appeared there or found an easy route. Nope. They have put in hours of hard work. They have fallen on their ass or fucked up plenty of times. They have been told no enough times to build a tolerance to it.
The definition of success, from General Colin Powell, is that there are no secrets to success. It is the result of preparation, hard work and learning from failure. When you fail, keep going. Keep on going. You will get there. You have a race to win. You can do it! Everyone believes in you. Now you need to believe in you. Life is yours. Do you want to win?
After a very disheartening meeting at work, I was sent a quote this morning which perfectly described my current feelings on life:
Arnold Schwarzenegger once said, "Strength does not come from winning. Your struggles develop your strengths. When you go through hardships and decide not to surrender, that is strength."
Not every battle ends in victory. Not every exam in school earns an A, a B, or even a C. Not every audition will land you the lead role, or even a part at all.
Failure is defined as not meeting a desired or expected goal.
Winning isn’t easy, but the first way to be able to do so is to get the fuck out of bed and tell yourself how glorious of a day you’re going to have. Carry that attitude with you to the finish line, and bam, your chances of success increase just with a positive attitude.
Unfortunately, the path to the finish line isn’t just running across a straight line and whoop, there it is. There’s twists, turns, ups, downs, lefts, rights, and plenty of downs. When you reach a down, you may feel like you’re so far into the ground there’s no way to get up. You lie there, feeling like you’ve reached your pending doom; but lying down isn’t what’s going to drive you forward. The moment you let the light reach your eyes and realize the hole contains a hidden ladder to climb out is the moment you realize you CAN do it. Keep telling yourself you can in the same way the childhood fable characters adapted to struggles, hardship, and adversity, to realize their greatest potentials.
Everybody has moments where they fall short. Everybody has moments when they trip over their shoelaces, or miss a step in a dance, or drop a line, or even make a miscalculation for a major project, present it to the CEO and an audience, and have the entire audience realize your mistake. Failure is a real thing; nobody is perfect. We are human, therefore perfection is the only aspect of life to be deemed impossible.
How do you take failure into your life? Do you let it rule you? Do you let it tell you how much you can’t do xyz? Do you let it tell you the end of the world is approaching? No. You take a deep breath, close your eyes, count to 10, reflect, and keep walking. Giving up, especially without a valiant fight, is your worst enemy, because you only run out of hit points when you die. If you keep walking, you will have as many tries to reach the finish line as your heart desires.
When you fail, think about what caused your result to not turn out as expected, tweak your plan, and try try again. Keep on trying, because success will be achieved as long as you always back yourself up and allow your imagination to tell you a positive result exists. When you fail, don’t just think, “oh, I fucked up”. Instead, ingest this experience and take proper corrective action to learn from your mistakes. Failure isn’t a death sentence. It’s a moment of learning lessons and personal growth and enlightenment. It’s another few paragraphs or even an entire chapter’s worth of juicy content to add to your story.
Society seems to have glorified expectations of what a “successful” person is. You see people already at the top and think they magically appeared there or found an easy route. Nope. They have put in hours of hard work. They have fallen on their ass or fucked up plenty of times. They have been told no enough times to build a tolerance to it.
The definition of success, from General Colin Powell, is that there are no secrets to success. It is the result of preparation, hard work and learning from failure. When you fail, keep going. Keep on going. You will get there. You have a race to win. You can do it! Everyone believes in you. Now you need to believe in you. Life is yours. Do you want to win?
The Divine Passage Prelude: Revised
Yep, this prelude was about 3+ years old. Time for an overhaul. I also chopped it down from 3 pages to 1 and actually have started writing the first chapter. For now though, here's a much better sounding prelude:
Growing up in an ordinary middle class family from Chicago with two married parents and an identical twin sister named Monica, 25 year-old Maron was trying to find her place in the world through making a difference and inspiring others. Throughout childhood, Maron and Monica participated in the same activities, made the same friends, and were basically attached at the hip. Unfortunately for whatever reason, Maron had been bullied since age 3 in early childhood school; the bullying traveled with her through the beginning of her senior year in college. Trying to keep her mental health afloat with all of the bullying, she started seeing a counselor in third grade. To top it off, Maron’s relationship with her parents was extremely rocky. Searching for solace and happiness, tragedy ended up striking.
Maron was diagnosed with depression at age 12 when her dad was diagnosed with stage IV colon cancer, causing her to ponder about a permanent escape. She was also diagnosed with anxiety attributed to a hormone imbalance at age 16 and had infrequent panic attacks. After a slew of begging her parents to transfer schools during freshman year of high school, the failed begging and loneliness drew Maron to pursue writing. Maron and Monica were best friends with Kyle from elementary school through sophomore year of high school until he passed away of a drug overdose; Maron wishes she could have expressed her worry to Kyle before it was too late. This unfortunately caused the depression to grow worse, especially because neither Maron nor Monica had many other friends. Kyle had been a major influence on Maron and Monica, promoting the beauty of web development and prompting them to pursue a technology degree in college. However, Monica had wanted to break free from Maron to establish her own identity and did everything in her power to shove Maron out of the way.
College was quite the rough transition for Maron as well. She had marching band as a starting place to make some friends and establish herself. Marching band was also off to a rough start because the section leaders yelled at Maron prior to the very first scrimmage game, thus, giving Maron a sour taste in her mouth for the remainder of her time in Marching Band. Later during freshman year of college, Maron joined the Sisterhood of the Purple Flower. This group helped Maron find a lot of her code of ethics and helped her find her passion for volunteerism, but she was unfortunately bullied out of that towards the end of her college career. College classes were a struggle for Maron as she pounded energy drinks and unhealthy snack food to take her through the grind of late night studying and library ventures. The unhealthy eating came with its consequences and Maron ballooned about 60 pounds. Luckily, in an IT class, Maron ended up meeting a man named Mike, who later became her college best friend. By the time junior year of college rolled around, Maron’s mental health continued to decline.
One day, Maron stumbled into the campus Rabbi’s office of Rabbi Brown. After a deep conversation with Rabbi Brown, he told her about the trip of a lifetime, called the “Divine Passage”, where participants travel to Israel for 12 days and explore the Holy land and culture. This would be the first time Maron would begin separating herself from Monica, on January 1, 2020, enabling Maron to finally begin finding her identity. Once college was over, Maron was introduced to a community known as “Destiny’s Reach”. From that point forward, Maron was finally in a safe place where she could be herself. With each day of the Divine Passage trip symbolizing a pivotal point in Maron’s life, Maron was finally able to find happiness, spread joy to others, and inspire others to follow their dreams!
Resilience of the Sword
Another set of lyrics are up and ready to go (finally). This one is basically about if you want to change the world, you need to get up and do something. Enjoy the loveliness! Dreams ARE real!
Welcome to a world that keeps you hungry
Dashing here and there chasing after your dreams
You keep on searching
For the path leading to the gold
Be bold and daring to conduct some experiments
Living for experience
Avoiding being delirious
Looking for the food to fill your muses
Be sure to avoid blowing up the fuses
Who are you?
Do you want to change the world, or set it on fire, or sit and not do a damn thing?
You watch others win the race
And see yourself as a disgrace
Don't let them bring you down!
But make sure to get off your ass
While not roaming with sass
Now get the fuck up and go!
Follow your dreams
You've probably heard that phrase about a million times
But as cheesy as it sounds
You know what you ought to do
Go get it!
Go get it!
If you're stuck in the grind or shuttered to the mundane and the shrine seems like it's light years away,
It's your job to not cry, or run awry and make sure you try.
Now look at the ocean,
And keep your head in motion
To realize how much you're able to pull the sword from the stone...
Welcome to a universe that never stops moving,
Never sleeps,
Never quits,
And even rarely disconnects
If you take a step back you may feel as if you missed everything...
If you feel as if you're absent
Time melts itself away,
But if you try to stay present
You don't want to end up in the desert
If you're doing something you don't want to do,
Don't give up,
Don't give up!
If the only thing in your vision is a big fat endless loop,
Go destroy it,
Go destroy it!
Stay resilient and confident!
You can do it!
Don’t you stop now!
So keep fighting!
Follow your dreams
You've probably heard that phrase about a million times
But as cheesy as it sounds
You know what you ought to do
Go get it!
Go get it!
If you're stuck in the grind or shuttered to the mundane and the shrine seems like it's light years away,
It's your job to not cry, or run awry and make sure you try.
Now look at the ocean,
And keep your head in motion
To realize how much you're able to pull the sword from the stone...
Now look at the ocean,
And keep your head in motion
To realize how much you're able to pull the sword from the stone...
Go push on through the whirlwind, and don’t get bit by the serpent,
But as long as you keep on trudging through the mud
Know that destiny shall let you win
And you’ll get the sword in the stone!
Welcome to a world that keeps you hungry
Dashing here and there chasing after your dreams
You keep on searching
For the path leading to the gold
Be bold and daring to conduct some experiments
Living for experience
Avoiding being delirious
Looking for the food to fill your muses
Be sure to avoid blowing up the fuses
Who are you?
Do you want to change the world, or set it on fire, or sit and not do a damn thing?
You watch others win the race
And see yourself as a disgrace
Don't let them bring you down!
But make sure to get off your ass
While not roaming with sass
Now get the fuck up and go!
Follow your dreams
You've probably heard that phrase about a million times
But as cheesy as it sounds
You know what you ought to do
Go get it!
Go get it!
If you're stuck in the grind or shuttered to the mundane and the shrine seems like it's light years away,
It's your job to not cry, or run awry and make sure you try.
Now look at the ocean,
And keep your head in motion
To realize how much you're able to pull the sword from the stone...
Welcome to a universe that never stops moving,
Never sleeps,
Never quits,
And even rarely disconnects
If you take a step back you may feel as if you missed everything...
If you feel as if you're absent
Time melts itself away,
But if you try to stay present
You don't want to end up in the desert
If you're doing something you don't want to do,
Don't give up,
Don't give up!
If the only thing in your vision is a big fat endless loop,
Go destroy it,
Go destroy it!
Stay resilient and confident!
You can do it!
Don’t you stop now!
So keep fighting!
Follow your dreams
You've probably heard that phrase about a million times
But as cheesy as it sounds
You know what you ought to do
Go get it!
Go get it!
If you're stuck in the grind or shuttered to the mundane and the shrine seems like it's light years away,
It's your job to not cry, or run awry and make sure you try.
Now look at the ocean,
And keep your head in motion
To realize how much you're able to pull the sword from the stone...
Now look at the ocean,
And keep your head in motion
To realize how much you're able to pull the sword from the stone...
Go push on through the whirlwind, and don’t get bit by the serpent,
But as long as you keep on trudging through the mud
Know that destiny shall let you win
And you’ll get the sword in the stone!
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