Winning Badassery's Emblem

This is the journey leading up to my black belt test (starting a few days before the test) and my journey of the black belt test itself. Enjoy!

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It was the week before my black belt test and I sat isolated at my grey, windowless cubicle each day quivering with anxiety about whether or not I'll pass. My roommates were cheering for me, all of my friends were cheering for me, and everyone in my karate classes were cheering for me. I had to make sure I cheered for myself, too!

I had been waiting to test for my black belt since the day after September 11, 2001, and the day has finally come. I needed to make sure I was in the proper mindset for the test. On the last class before the exam, since in my classes on Thursday nights, we do a “formal bowing ceremony” prior to starting the class called “sei-za”; there’s a meditation portion within this bowing sequence and the instructor decided to emphasize it in class. While meditating, it occurred to me to work from home the next day in order to prevent myself from staring blankly at my computer having thoughts saturating in my head of anything regarding the karate exam. I sought spiritual guidance and direction from a trip to a sensory deprivation tank. When I arrived at the tank, I stripped my clothes off, lied in the neutral bath of Epsom salt water, and opened my arms to take in the world’s positive energy. When you’re in the tank, you feel like you’re having dreams when you’re not actually in “sleep mode”; instead, you’re in more of an induced meditative state. One of the dreams I had was passing my karate exam and becoming super emotional. Once the hour of the float elapsed, my energy was restored; I was forsure ready for my exam and worthy of earning my black belt.

December 5, 2015 quickly approached. I spent all day at home relaxing, practicing a little, refreshing my memory on Japanese terminology, picking up my gi, and picking up one of my roommates from work thanks to him being oh so kind enough to watch my exam. When I arrived at the testing venue, I frantically applied my essential oils for mental balance, chugged water, and waited to be placed in line to test. I was of course the oldest one in my testing session, but that’s because being a 20 something isn’t a very popular demographic in my karate club. While I was waiting for my name to be called, since there were less people than usual in my testing group, I was to either test in front of the dojo owner or test for the most senior instructor who I tested in front of when I tested poorly prior to taking a 5.5 year karate hiatus at the end of my junior year in high school. Testing for the senior instructor would be my redemption to show him how much I’ve grown in the 7+ years since the last time I saw him. When my name was called, it was no surprise to I’d have to test in front of the senior instructor.

It was time to kick some ass and take some names. I took a deep breath and waited in my ready stance for the test to start. “Downward block assume!” was called. The fire was lit. As we were doing warm up punches and kicks down the floor, of course my contact decided to almost fall out; doing front kicks forward and backward down the floor while having one functioning eye felt like a half blind man trying not to bump into walls. My contact eventually popped back in. “Inward block reverse punch”; “Downward block reverse punch”; “Knife hand block”; “Front kick, spear hand thrust”. I was desperate for water and gasping for air. It also felt weird when the judges were staring at my loud breathing, but I’d rather be breathing loud than not show any fighting spirit. My “kiai” spirit yells were louder than the sound of hearing a firetruck siren from your house. Once the basics portion of the test was done, it was time to do our katas. Before beginning the kata, you announce the name of what you're performing; “Bai Sai Dai”, channeled from my heart through my mouth. The executed kata was successful. Next, it was time for the colored belt katas. Thankfully, we had to do these katas for the tournaments; I completely spaced on having to do those katas for the first degree brown belt going on black belt test… oops! “Heian Godan” gets called and it went very well too of course. After katas were performed, it was time for target tests, to see if we could punch a target and escape in time and kick a target. I hit the focus mitt with as much drive as I could with plenty of accuracy. Once the target tests were over, we were asked Japanese terms and needed to execute the move corresponding to the Japanese term called out. “Kosa Dachi”; “Shuto Uke”; “Mawashi Geri”. All of those were called out correctly. We were then asked how many classes we attended, if we went to any tournaments, and if we went to the kickathon service event fundraiser to raise money for charities involving helping sick children. For the final portion of the test, it was time to do one point sparring, meaning each person goes to the front of the line and does a block/counter technique to the person throwing the attack. When it came my turn, I was luckily presented with opportunities to catch people’s round kicks, spin them around, and followup with a punch. By the time the test was over, my legs were ready to collapse faster than an olympic sprinter who just won first place.

The day after the exam, I performed my testing kata one last time for an audience in a Chicago all women’s variety show called “Beast Women Rising”. Feedback from my karate was thankfully very positive. One long day of work while anxiously awaiting my results elapsed, and it was time to receive my results. I arrived at my class, and it was announced in front of everyone I had earned my black belt. I pictured myself in my dreams crying my eyes out in the middle of class, but instead, I wasn't surprised. Since I went into the exam feeling confident and telling myself I’m worthy of earning my black belt, the results were returned as expected. Victory is mine and I am now worthy of the official title of badassery!

Black Belt Status

The journey to me finally earning my black belt (as an adult instead of at 18) in Shotokan Karate. Enjoy!

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After a journey of about 14 years and 3 months, I finally earned my black belt in Shotokan Karate. It definitely wasn’t the same experience as most people in karate have, where they start as a child, progress to their black belt, and go from there. I had to experience having a bad test, finding my identity and myself, and realizing how worthy I am of achieving my goals.

The first day I walked into the dojo, the day after September 11, I was a 10 year old little girl looking for the sport I was to excel in as a child. I tried soccer, ice skating, gymnastics, swimming, dance, and much more. My mom recommended I try karate and I figured it couldn’t hurt, especially with my bullying history, even at the tender elementary school age. I did karate from 5th grade until the end of my junior year in high school with my twin sister. At that point in our lives, we did the same activities together. We also scored the same on every single exam. When we did karate together, I feel like I didn’t take karate as seriously as I should have; each time we’d get partnered together, I wouldn’t exert my full effort. By the time we reached the end of our junior year in high school, we were third degree brown belts (three belts away from black) and needed 2 more black stripes (there’s 4 black stripes to a belt when you’re under 18) to move up to second degree brown belt. After third degree brown belt, there’s just second degree brown belt, first degree brown belt, and then black. We took our exam, returned to class to receive our results, and the instructor pulls us aside and told us we got one stripe. My sister felt super discouraged and ended up quitting. About two or three weeks later, I felt uncomfortable going to the class by myself without her and stopped attending classes myself. Unfortunately, I had a looming cloud over my head, feeling guilty for quitting because I knew in my heart I quit because I followed her and didn’t fully want to quit.

Once I reached my junior year of college, I realized I needed to establish my own identity outside of being an identical twin. Going to the same school as my twin sister, having the same major, and even sharing most of the same friends, my senses and sources were telling me to break free. After I went on a group trip to Israel with her, seeing as I could tell she didn’t want me around, I knew I needed to pave my own way. Once I returned from Israel, I began shaping my identity by becoming very involved with the IT department club and even ran it my senior year. Unfortunately, once college was over, I had lost my high school sports body and became overweight. Oops! When I realized being in karate was when I was in the best shape of my life, in addition to feeling bad about quitting due to following my sister, my heart told me return and get my black belt. I called the ISKC (Illinois Shotokan Karate Clubs) to sign up for classes again the September after I graduated from college, but missed the start of the session and had to wait until January to start. I had also just missed the testing cycle, which would mean the cycle would start over and I would be on track to test right away after 6 months. In January 2014, I stepped back into the dojo, as a clueless third degree brown belt wearing a white belt due to forgetting 70 percent of everything. Except this time, I was to walk into the dojo, alone, while paying for classes and such with my own money.

During this almost 2 year journey, I needed to restore my confidence, my health, and gain a sense of self. About a week and a half before my karate exam, I went to visit my second family for the holidays in the lovely Davenport, Iowa. While in Iowa, I was not only showered with love, but told how worthy I am of making life progress, facing my fears, and achieving my goals. After my trip to Davenport and another week of work, I ventured to a sensory deprivation chamber in Lincoln Park at a place called Spacetime Tanks, to seek further direction and positive energy towards passing my karate exam. My senses told me I needed to acknowledge my past, accept my past happened and is over now, and leave feeling revitalized. The only thing to possibly hold me back from passing my test is to not believe in myself.  I complete the last week of karate classes and get my “test permission slip” signed and go to take my exam. Prior to the test, I had a feeling I was going to have to test for the instructor who gave me the bad grade; surely enough, I did. I told myself to give it everything I have and do my best. It also meant more to me because I wanted to show him I was a mature adult who now fully understands and embodies the meaning and values of Shotokan Karate. *describe karate exam*

When I left the exam, I knew I had a good day. I was the loudest at screaming and huffing and puffing, the oldest one in the room taking my test, I aced all of my Japanese vocabulary this time instead of missing one, I didn’t drop my foot during the front kick to the front, side thrust kick to the front exercise, and left knowing I had done my best and needed to await my results. I even had a dream of me passing my test as I was becoming super sentimental when finding out I passed my test. When I arrived to receive my test results, I, to not much surprise, found out I passed and had finally earned my black belt. The other irony is one of my instructors from my childhood who was taking over for my current instructor on a brief leave for a few weeks, delivered my results to me. Despite seeing much career failure during my time in karate, this was the victory I needed to tell me I am worthy at succeeding at my true passions and even succeeding in general. We are all worthy of success, even when experiencing darkness and/or failure in other areas of life. If you tell yourself you can do it and really set your mind to it, you’ll be unstoppable and see light farther ahead than in distant planets!

Can I Throw Flowers Now?

I wake up in the morning and exclaim how life is beautiful. I dress up and decorate myself for the day and tell myself I’m beautiful. I venture outside and tell myself today will be a beautiful day. I walk into my grey box and somehow my cheeriness gets left at home every day because I can’t be myself or interact with anyone. Thankfully, I have my roomies and friends to keep me sane and alive!

I go to work in the morning and tell myself, “you can do this, Rebs”. The day eventually becomes a blur and ends faster than I can blink. My “career” is going nowhere and I feel like I have several talent chips which don’t fit into any of the boxes. I am the ghost who walks. I sit there, I exist, I do stuff, no one sees or hears me, and I leave, and come back the next day.

After moving, thankfully, it’s time for “Oktoberfest”. By that, I mean, going camping in the Kingdom of Belegarth. Belegarth is the medieval foam sword fighting sport and community in which I call my home; if you have any questions about that, feel free to flag me down. To sum it up, you hit your friends and other fellow nerds with foam weapons while initiating in beast mode and martial arts skills, of course while having tons of fun. Whenever I’m in a place where I can make others smile, my day and life are made. I will share all of my confetti and flowers and sprinkle them on all my friends and those who could sure use a pick-me-up; Belegarth events are a time of celebration and happiness for everyone. I made some new friends along the way, learned the meaning of properly handling the drama llama, fought the best I had ever fought at an “event”, and was able to uplift myself and others with all of the positive attitudes I can find. After being refreshed from my event and healed from a transformational leadership workshop, I told myself when I had to return to work, “you can do this, you can REALLY do this”…

Nope…

Several reflections of being told how it’s “bad” to be the jack of all trades and the master of none later, an epiphany struck and told me how much I’m bullshitting myself and others when I realize I’m sitting somewhere and don’t want to do what I’m told. No, I don’t mean when your mom tells you to clean your room or your teacher tells you to do your homework, but I mean when your heart is legitimately stopping you from doing something your entire being doesn’t want to do. When I’m sitting at my desk, writing this story instead of doing the project myself and several people deemed a dead end months ago, I think to myself how I’m always the queen of ambition, and sometimes even too much ambition. Meanwhile, I sit here looking pretty on the sidelines doing even less than the waterboy on the team. As my mind enters a more deep state of reflection, I’ve been telling myself how I feel like I’m in the wrong career path. I love being a web developer, but if I can’t throw my flowers and spread joy to others, then I’m just a wilting plant needing more water. But I always find the checkered flag when I trust my heart and listen to myself...

From my experiences, it’s not your career path or job you’re failing at that defines you. It’s not how large your paycheck is that defines you. It’s how you spend your remaining time and how you act towards others that define you. I’m living my dream making others smile and laugh while telling my story. How will you spread love and joy to the world?

Good Riddance Evil Shadow Monster

That moment when you have the strong desired to love and be loved, but struggle to not be held back by your past... until you get swept away by love itself... in poem form... enjoy!

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Walking along the glitters of life,
As you’re searching for your own buried treasures and unfolding mysteries,
The time has come to slam the door behind you from the shadow monster and never turn around…

Until he decides to creep up from behind at his own free will…
In which, you give him the finger and vanish to happy town!

The day of liberation has arrived
And prompted an integral epiphany...
To fly free from your home which is tainted by those who are supposed to be there for you...
Who apparently call themselves your family and only are because you didn't have a choice...
As they only throw your heart and soul into the ground and stomp on it in the same way you kill an ant from under your shoe...

Because a world of hurt has once consumed you as you now trust no one..
You tell yourself it's not your fault when everyone else tells you it is
Where in reality, those who place the blame are bullies only searching for bragging rights to boost their feigning power levels...

As for the others who "claim" to be your allies have transformed into foes only backstab you to their utmost advantage…
Which sucks the vigor from your will and sends you into a shameful spiral like a darkness spell you accidentally cast upon yourself…

If the people in your life are setting forth on their journeys to destroy you, why would you want to come with them?
It's not ok to be treated like that and don't say you're sorry!
Why do you feel desperate enough to follow along their dreadful path just because you don’t want to be alone anymore?
It's not ok to be seen as an animal and don't tell them you feel bad...
The sorrowful feelings of loneliness on a daily basis creep up and down your spine like how a drink rises and falls from your straw…
It's NOT your fault and don't listen to their words which should mean nothing to you...
And when that drink is finished, you’re left with nothing again…
Except for the need to fight fear’s viruses which engulf your heart and soul as the parasites suck your insides dry…
It's YOUR world, and you don't deserve this!

The storms from your eyes are unleashed…
The screams from your heart are cast into the pink starry sky
As an integral epiphany is born…
Such an integral vision comes alive...
That everyone is worthy and deserving of love…
In the same way a grey and white kitten can randomly meander by your side and steal your heart instantaneously,
And the past is the past and only belongs in the backwards path to never ever return...

Stop thinking about it, it's time to move forward!
The shadow monster is gone now leave him be!
He belongs locked up now leave him there
Because he is only a figment of your imagination and will never be real like Boo the Ghost in the Mario games!
And the now is yours!

It is time for you to let go…
It is time for you to let yourself drop into that portal and stop fucking hanging on to that tree branch behind you…
Just let go!
And let the power of love guide you through the rainbow road
As it takes away the pain
And puts your pesky past to shame!

You are now free to let the wings of love carry you into heaven’s arms!
Thank you kitten for restoring the light behind those olive green eyes of mine!
Oh, and fuck you shadow monster!
And now, you shall carry your honorable journeys onward to the fun-filled adventureland of awesomeness!