Friday, September 25, 2015

Finding the Unicorns and Rainbows

I wake up in the morning and exclaim how life is beautiful. I dress up and decorate myself for the day and tell myself I’m beautiful. I venture outside and tell myself today will be a beautiful day. Sometimes, when I try to tell myself these things, it’s more my mind speaking audibly with my body putting the pain in a jar…

Being born as an identical twin, the family dynamic shifted to me being the black sheep and my sister being the “better one”. It was even confirmed I was the black sheep when in my adventures to attempt to get myself on TV, I was speaking with producers from MTV to potentially be in a documentary called “Black Sheep”, which was never put into production. I discovered shortly after how MTV wasn’t the proper outlet to flaunt my freak flag to the world.

At the time I was having conversations with the MTV producers, I was a junior in college. My weight began approaching its worst. After I gained the “freshman way too many”, I was bullied by a slew of people who were mutual friends with my sister and I, my sister, my parents, my grandma, and even extended family members. I knew I was overweight and was trying to do something about it while feeling quite un-beautiful. When I was looking for a job during my senior year of college, it was the end of April, 2013 and I was crossing my fingers for someone to hire me. The night before my in-person interview for the place I currently work at, my mom mentioned how no one was hiring me because I was too fat to be hired. My sense of beauty towards myself was devoured by sharks and I felt like the minnow with half its tail bitten off. All of the bullying mentally exhausted me so much to a point where I was unable to even appreciate the feeling of the cool breeze or the smell of stir fry while walking around town.

I’ve always been the one who everyone refers to as very different or very weird. Right before finals during my second semester senior year of college, I ended up having a conversation with the IT lab monitor, who was a 37 year-old marine veteran. We ended up talking for several hours on how to accept and love myself; he told me how once I’m able to acknowledge, accept, love, and cherish who I am, I will suddenly attract a following like a magnet attracting several pieces of metal.
After I graduated from college, I had to move back in with my parents indefinitely. Thankfully, I had met someone in the IT department at school named Josh, who introduced me to his “nerd club”, known as the Belegarth Medieval Combat Society two months after graduation. For the first time ever, people were treating me with kindness instead of bullying me and putting me down. I decided I’d keep coming back and it was one of the best decisions I’ve ever made.

Thank you to joining belegarth, I ended up meeting a very wonderful man named Danny, who’s a holistic doctor and owns his own practice. He helped increase my mental health to a point where I didn’t end up needing to pop pills, he helped me lose 60 pounds (which was all the weight I gained in college and then some), he saved me from spraining my ankle two weeks before a karate exam when being a clumsy cat and tripping over myself twice within a few minutes of each other, he helped me learn how to meditate and get more in touch with my whole self, and much more. He also introduced me to his mentee, who is also one of his best friends and also named Danny. This particular Danny ended up introducing me to his entire group of friends, which feel more like my family than my blood family. I was in complete disbelief. When I finally accepted and embraced how much of a nerd I am and was in a safe environment to be myself, I began making real friends for the first time in what felt like my entire life. I also found my home. Because of pain, I was fueled to want to change a negative situation which was taking a toll on my wellbeing. Losing weight and keeping it off has been one of my greatest life accomplishments, especially because I know I have a healthy body frame that can fit into regular sizes in stores. For the first time in a long time, I realized what it was like to feel beautiful. Plus, I received a lot of positive reinforcement from those who noticed my weightloss, as well as my friends.

Part of what triggers me to feel beautiful is to be loved and know I’m loved. Because of how many times I’ve been hurt by loved ones, I’ve always been reluctant towards being vulnerable to people. Shortly before moving out of my parent’s house successfully for good, I met a man who I thought was Mr. Wonderful named Max. He was the first person I truly fell in love with, and we even almost moved in together. Little did I realize, I was in a toxic and abusive relationship with lots of unnecessary drama, which caused me to take the pain and lock it away. A bunch of my friends were waving red flags at me, but someone else who I met in belegarth who is a dear friend of mine named Kree, engaged the sirens to go off to end the relationship. He told me how beautiful I am and how worthy I am of someone to treat me like a queen; I saw my strength and ended the relationship, to affirm how I can do better without being weighed down by drama and being put down all the time.
As soon as I fully realized the beauty I have within myself, I made it a goal to be able to spread love and joy to all, especially with lots of recent occurrences of tragedy. I also realized as soon as I accepted and embraced who I was, told myself I’m beautiful all the time, and maintained a continuous optimistic attitude and zest for life, I was able to create a circle of beauty and share my package of unicorns, rainbows, and smiles with everyone I encounter. The more beauty being passed around, the more we can all sing kumbaya and roast marshmallows with each other in unity. I like to stand on stage and make others feel, smile, and laugh. How do you want to share life’s beauties with the world?

Saturday, September 12, 2015

Hectic Misstep Avoidances

Since my career feels rather unsatisfactory right now and the thoughts of such have been invading my head for awhile, I wrote a short story (yesterday, 9-11-15) called "Hectic Misstep Avoidances" about my why I feel the need to fill my schedule and how success comes from finding where you belong. Enjoy the funnies and story-ness :) There is a video with this as well!


Oversleep, go to work, go to nightly activities, force myself to work on personal projects or clean, crash, repeat. Welcome to the hectic misstep avoidances of Rebs… where every moment is a jump instead of a walk. Will I achieve my destiny? I tell myself this every time I step up to the plate for a challenge.

In high school and college, my time was consumed by clubs, activities, sports, and leadership positions. Currently, I’m working full time in an empty grey box due to feeling like I’m the waterboy on the team, loading my schedule to make up for the lack of career fulfilment, running around to open mic nites and 800 other activities (ex DDR, karate, belegarth, volunteering, networking, classes), working on personal projects, and collapsing when my body gives me the finger… sometimes in public even, and repeating the process. Who else would be this crazy?

Some people ask me if I sleep, and the answer is “very carefully”. When you feel like the path your parents “set you up with” is starting to tank pretty badly because you know you’re in the wrong place, you go out of your way to put yourself where your heart tells you the right place is. I also know I’m in the wrong place because my quirkiness is starting to leak into my “professional life”, such as by saying “not the logic puzzle” at the wrong time; it came out like accidentally leaking a curse word in front of a little kid you didn’t notice was around. Unfortunately, I wasn’t always comfortable acknowledging my true passions due to being shot down by my parents all the time, but I am ready to finish ditching my past. I need success because the emptiness in desk land is beginning to overtake my subconscious like a ghost taking over your body and entrancing you in its red world. This is all while struggling to avoid falling in the trap door when one foot is already out the door. You crave your prayers to be answered and dreams to come true, you believe in your prayers, and you pour your heart into success’s cauldron to cook it into a gourmet food.

Others ask me how I handle all of these responsibilities. The answer to that question is because recently, after a fairly recent breakup, I feel like I’ve been having a lot more luck in the friend department. My friends have either been flaketastic, bullies, or both in the past; to my shocking surprise, it is the exact opposite. Maybe it’s because I feel like life’s adventures lead you down the path of acquiring more wisdom. Or maybe it’s because when I make mistakes, allow myself to open up to people, and be myself for once in my life, the right people and opportunities will trickle into my life. For all I know, it could even be because after accepting how nerdy I truly am, I joined the group I turned a blind eye to in college, the Belegarth Medieval Combat Society. Who knew joining live action battle game group would further provoke my passion for martial arts, introduce me to health’s shrine to even lose almost 60 pounds, and even show me the true meaning of family. As soon as I accepted and began to love who I was, I began receiving love which actually felt genuine for the first time ever. According to my sorority’s code of ethics, “in order to receive much, you must give much”. After receiving love, I have made it one of my missions to spread love and joy, especially on 9-11, where we acknowledge the meaning of love to our land. My dream is to be able to make a difference and a living outside of a box all in one. What’s yours?

Thursday, September 10, 2015

Today, 9-10-15, in Micropoetry... "Take Care"

Today in micropoetry, we have my poem on informing all you lovely people to realize how suicide is real and love is a healing entity. I've been in situations where I've aided people who even had a glimmer of reaching that dark place and I'm thankful to have been able to be there for them :) For now, here's "Take Care" - and yes, that is the suicide hotline listed in my poem!


Take care;
Let them know you’re there.
Say hi;
Smile and stay for awhile.
Nab their shoulder;
Tell them life won’t be much colder.
Listen for that call at 3 in the morning;
You better not be snoring,
Because their life may get gory.
If they tell you they need help,
Yelp at them to call 1-800-273-8255
And not be ashamed
For feeling more fragile than a candy cane…
Shower them with encouragement and love,
As doves will free them from their pain
While we all enjoy this summer rain!

Friday, September 4, 2015

September Quote Center of Inspirational Upliftingness

September Quote Center of Inspirational Upliftingness is officially a thing. More details soon, but basically I want to make 1 quote per day in September and share it with our beautiful universe. I will update this as often as possible. Enjoy!

August 31: If you’re stuck in one place and know your heart is elsewhere, keep your head in the game and strategically plan your next move. Patience and perseverance are power!

September 1: They told themselves they can, and they did. They climbed up walls; they fell down some, fell again, and again, and got back up. They said to themselves they are somebody, and they shine past the sky’s gates, leaving a star in the sky to represent an imprint of light in the world!

September 2: If you want to feast in life’s delights, it’s about time you take life’s plights and plunge into the sea of awakening!

September 3: If you want to make a difference, don’t wait for someone else to tell you what you can or can’t do. The world is much larger than an enclosed space, especially if you have technology in your hands. Even if you can’t physically show your face, your heart can be seen from miles away!

September 4: I knew there was a voice trapped inside me for all these years, and validated myself when I let it out! Your voice comes from your heart; let its spirit guide you!

September 5: Let your friends be your rocks and take their hands, because life is not meant to be a solo journey when joys can be shared!

September 6: The purpose for the journey isn't solely to emerge victorious; the experiences which create wisdom to power the journey are the purpose for adventure!

September 7: Realize what those who are fighting the war are sacrificing. Be thankful you don't have to ask the skies to take a breath of fresh air after a fatal wound and praise those who cross the line who enable you to celebrate life!

September 8: When struggling to smile, do a good deed for someone or convince them they have more potential than they ever imagined. Smiles and love are contagious; sharing both will direct the cycle in your direction when you need it most!

September 9: Use love for helping or healing; you can maybe save someone's life!

September 10: Use love for helping or healing; you can maybe save someone's life!

September 11: Imagine how much one day can impact the world. If you had one day to change the world, what would you do, start a revolution towards the sun or down into the fire? But never forget those days where brave souls extinguished the fire…

September 12: Let yourself get in touch with the current moment, because every second is an experience you shall embrace!

September 13: Shield your loved ones with your heart, because you never know when you’re going to need a hand in return…

September 14: When you look into the distance and see your goals in the sky, don’t let them fly by; instead, go jump high and let yourself celebrate with pie!

September 15: Let yourself know the finish line exists; if you believe in the checkered flag, your destination will appear as a result of your resilience! 

September 16: Power through your mental blockades as if you were trudging through quicksand about to fall.

September 17: If you wake up in the morning and tell yourself you’re going to win the race, your attitude shall dictate your actions!

September 18: No matter how selfless of a person you are, in order to take care of others with your full heart, you must take care of yourself first!

September 19: Those who enable you to feel safe will destroy your walls!

September 20: As long as the sinking ship has a battery, it is possible to overcome the fear and push the accelerator button!

September 21: Rain from your eyes is like a storm revitalizing a city in deep drought! Dismissing that will only create an endless dark cloud needing water to restore its glow!

September 22: If you create positivity within you, the cycle will return it in your direction!

September 23: There is always someone out there willing to take your hand!

September 24: Take advantage of the moments when you can embrace the positive auras of your surroundings!

September 25: Fear is your driver, not your shield. Let the fuel ignite the fire instead of dissipate it, no matter how large you want it to be!

September 26: Challenge yourself to create goals higher than you think you can achieve in order to reach higher mountains!

September 27: Rejection only means the opportunity wasn't right for you and not a pitfall to your doom!

September 28: To summon the upper vibes, you must embrace them and the desire to be happy! 

September 29: Life's losing streaks aren't permanent because when the rabbit goes down the hole, the only way it can climb is up. With several losses in a row, will plus resilience results in a win!

September 30: The finish line is the light at the end of the tunnel. Chase after it like you’re running away from a charging bull!

Welp, that's it on the daily quotes. I will still make quotes whenever I choose to, but this is the end of my September Quotes of Inspirational Upliftingness. I hope you all enjoyed it! :) Here's to all the happiness and success for everyone <3

Tuesday, September 1, 2015

See Light Through Tragedy

In reminder and memoriam to what happened on Wednesday (August 26th) with the reporters, this is my view on the situation… to find light in the darkness even though darkness exists. Enjoy!

Sick and twisted minds
Wreak havoc while we’re blind
Causing tragedy and mayhem,
Which is such a travesty
Because sometimes, people don’t see evil as a fallacy…

So many innocent lives taken at the blink of an eye
To a point where I wish someone would start an effective revolution
Finding a solution to the madness
Stopping these criminals from terrorizing our beauty,
As a place once happy mourns with sorrow…

No one wants to fall
And lose it all
To one who never deserved to exist
And doesn't even deserve to spit
Is now only a waste of space or now gone…

Who would want such a thing to happen
Powerful enough to spark a worldwide phenomenon?
It will be a painful recovery,
Doable when everyone comes together,
But we can't wait on the world to change…

This happens way too often
Someone should have stepped in to help
In order to prevent people from seeing the red in the world

Some people think life is a Cinderella story,
But bring a weapon and it will turn into your worst nightmare…
Life is beautiful,
But shouldn't be viewed with a veil

This day will live in infamy
Along with the other days filled with sick and twisted tragedy
But why do we think as such?
We still need to see the good above the evil,
But don’t disregard the black…

As we pray for peace and try to find joy,
We wish for infinite protection
And come together
To band as one
Providing a safe haven
For those who suffered
Providing comfort
To those who are now feeling despair
In a sick and twisted tragedy…

Find a way to fight evil!
Find a way to fight all fears!
We can say we're going to fight,
But we actually have to fight to win!

We can act!
We can change the world!
We can't bring people back,
But we can continue to pay it forward
And advocate kindness and pure heart!

We can continue to be reminded of life's beauty,
And take a moment,
To see the light
Past this sick and twisted tragedy!