Stop Being So Hard On Yourself

Dear beautiful universe, 

Why are you always being so hard on yourself?

You want to conquer the world and combat imperfections,

But when something goes wrong, you turn into Freakazoid…

Is absolute perfection possible?

When you try to reach for the stars,

It may take lots of tries;

You will eventually get there if you persevere.

Is the ultimate goal of happiness achievable?

When opportunity and joy meet, it becomes bliss,

But will you let yourself feel your feelings?

Reality may be painful,

But you have to accept faults before you can fly…

Feelings can’t be ignored

Or they will make a vengeful return.

You need to accept perfection not being plausible 

And fight your battles day by day;

The stars will be yours as long as you pursue a higher power each day.

Faith, friendship, and love will help you triumph as long as you believe in them… even if takes 800 tries

You don’t have to beat yourself up over small losses if you can get up afterward;

You will win the game as long as you stay standing and keep fighting!

Love,

Rebs! <3

Review of Observa Gig App

Need a few quick bucks? Download an app called Observa. Observa is where you take pictures of signs or other things of the sort to make sure companies are displaying certain products properly. I had never even heard of it before until randomly downloading it while looking for gig apps, but it is legit and they did pay me (via Paypal). The verification took maybe 6 hours or so, but I received payment on the same day. When I did my first gig with this app, I was able to pull up a list of opportunities, which wasn’t bad to scroll through. It told me the address and how much I’d make, as well as the estimated time it would take to finish the gig and I decided to give it a try. I drove 10min from my apartment to a cigar shop to take some pictures of Zippo lighters and its display. First, I wanted to talk to the managers to make sure I wasn’t being a weirdo and to see if it was ok to take pictures of stuff in the store. Luckily that particular place was extremely friendly, but some places may not be (it warns you in the tutorial video). I was able to watch a tutorial video to show me what to do before going into the store without having used this app at all. There was also clear directions on what to do and take pictures of in the store so I wouldn’t run into any problems. I would recommend accepting an opportunity if you’re going to do it right away. I wish there were more opportunities near my apartment, but this is something I wouldn’t recommend driving super far away to do because they won’t reimburse you on gas. If you want to make a lot of money, this isn’t the app for you, but if you need a few quick bucks or are bored and want to make some money, Observa is the app for you. Most gigs pay you in the 7 dollar range and they take about 15 or so minutes to complete. You need at least 4 dollars to be able to cash out. Enjoy!

Stargaze

I found this sitting in my emails when looking for something else! Whoops! This is 4 years old, but still provides awesomeness. Enjoy!

Go take a look at the road

To see what on earth is going on ahead of you

It's so new like never before

With the innovation at its finest

While showing all of your true power

Please don't go

Into the path 

Known as conformity

And don't fall asleep within your own mind

Just take a look at what's inside

That's just the way you will thrive!

(small guitar interlude)

Never ignore

The thoughts within your heart

From the start

They're all yours

Like the pride within a lion's golden mane

Go journey on the forbidden road

Display all the joy in the world

Climb up that incline

That's as steep as a mountain

The finish line is right there in front of you

Just sprint across that line

It's so divine

You will be fine!

(another small guitar interlude)

Take a look around you

And smell those flowers

They're right there in front of your face

Because you're able to stargaze

The empty sky is yours to design

Don't fill your canvas with cloudy days

Your goal is there, it is there, it is really right there

Don't let it slip away

Or flutter on past you

Into the abyss

Go ahead and strike a pose

And never be afraid to stargaze!

Shout your heart out

Towards the sun and the stars

Try not to let the wind go into your head

It will cloud you like a tornado

Just step in time and keep a clear mind

Stress is like a vampire

That's ready to eat you alive

It will infest through your veins

Provoking panic and fear

While tears of sorrow drip down your face

(filled with fear)

Hold on… 

Stop right there and stay dead in your tracks

It is the man who's here to douse you with some ease!

So chill 

While trying to lack insanity

You need to fight on all those goddamn fears

And don't freeze in tears

Now try to go ahead and stand tall

Just live for the moment and stay alive!

(another small guitar interlude wheeeee!)

Take a look around you

And smell those flowers

They're right there in front of your face

Because you're able to stargaze

The empty sky is yours to design

Don't fill your canvas with cloudy days

Your goal is there, it is there, it is really right there

Don't let it slip away

Or flutter on past you

Into the abyss

Go ahead and strike a pose

And never be afraid to stargaze!

Take a breath around here!

Look at what's all around you!

Instead of mindlessly leaving

You need to go and start moving!

And hopefully not envision any negativity 

So be strong! 

To enable yourself to live life to all its fullest

Just don't break down

Your goal is there, it is there, it is really right there

Chase it with everything you've got within your heart

Stand tall

Be yourself 

And you better not be afraid to stargaze!

Squid and Mussels with Pasta and Garlic Tomato Curry Sauce Recipe

Spices and Sauce Ingredients
¼ tsp garlic salt
½ tsp cayenne pepper
½ tsp ground turmeric
½ tsp ground ginger
1 tsp ground cumin
1 tsp salt
1 tsp pepper
1 tbsp stone ground mustard
1 tbsp yellow mustard
5 cloves garlic
½ cup coconut milk (make sure to stir it) – this can be found in the ethnic aisle at Jewel or shopping market in a can
¼ cup red onion
½ cup yellow grape tomatoes
2 whole red roma tomatoes
1 green serrano pepper

Additional Ingredients
½ lb squid (calamari)
½ lb mussels
1 tbsp yellow mustard seeds (hold until the end)
2 cups fresh spinach (hold until the end)
½ box whole wheat pasta
2 tbsp olive oil (1 tbsp for cooking the fish and 1 tbsp for cooking everything together at the end)

Directions
Place the spices and sauce ingredients into a blender and blend for about 10 seconds or until sauce is not lumpy. Hold onto the sauce.

Cook the pasta separately on another burner for about 10-15 min until it’s al dente and strain. Hold onto the pasta.

Place the squid in a pan at medium/high heat with 1 tbsp olive oil. Do not add the mussels yet. When the squid starts turning golden brown, add the mussels with the squid and cook them for about 5 minutes or until ready. If you’re using frozen fish, make sure to strain after it’s cooked (or strain if necessary).

After straining the fish (if necessary), add another tbsp of olive oil to the pan you used for the fish re-add the strained fish to the pan. Next, add the cooked pasta, spinach, mustard seeds, and sauce on medium heat for about 5 minutes for the sauce to soak in with the rest of the ingredients.

Keep stirring and enjoy! This course serves about 6. Total time to cook and prepare is about 30 minutes!

Maple Mustard Sauce Recipe

1/4 cup regular yellow mustard
5 tbsp maple syrup
1 tsp thyme
1 tsp garlic powder
1 tsp salt
1 tsp pepper

Combine ingredients into bowl. Stir until mixed well and enjoy!

Lemon Lime Cilantro Vinaigrette Recipe

1 cup olive oil
1/4 cup lemon juice
1/4 cup lime juice
1/2 tsp garlic powder
1/4 cup cilantro
1/4 tsp seasoned salt
1/4 tsp black pepper

Combine ingredients into mixing bowl. Pour into blender and blend until cilantro is mixed well. Pour back into serving container. Shake well and enjoy!

How to Paint the World with Extra Color

How do you paint the world with color in a time of grey?

It’s time to take a trip
An adventure in your mind
To taste the rainbow
And activate senses only triggered by magic paper.

When you want to see space,
But can’t physically go to see the stars
In an area of pollution
Where little light is visible
Sprinkle some magic on a piece of paper 1 mm by 1 mm.
Put it under your tongue for lights to come alive!
Use a little extra for your outer perspective to pop!

Sit back
Take a break from reality and go exploring inside your mind,
Let music elevate you
Let video games be elevated
Let your outer reflection guide you into space
But make sure you’re in an ideal mental state,
Otherwise your thoughts will go awry!

When you feel level headed, pop the paper.
Taste nothing and feel everything.
Patience is key.
Wait for the effects to set in or you will go overboard.
Do you want the ship to sink or sail?

The time comes and the mothership will scoop you up and show you the rainbow
And take you to a secret land only available to those with advanced minds.
How do you call the holy ship?
The ship will come to you
Are you ready for the magic carpet ride?

Hide and Seek

Sometimes I feel the need to play hide and seek from myself;
My best friend is my vape pen…

If I’m sad, I’ll hit my pen.
If I’m anxious, I’ll hit my pen.
If I’m anything except on top of the world, I’ll hit my pen.

The sad news is the pain is like a band-aid.
The pain goes away temporarily and comes right back.

I wish someone would help me out of my hiding place,
Even though my hiding place is within.

Why am I hiding in the first place?
I want to be here, but not where I am right now,
Therefore, I place a veil over my heart to not fully expose myself.

When someone special decoded to come in and see through the veil, it makes me want to take it off, even though the veil is crazy glued to me.

Do you actually want to see what’s inside?

Ok fine, you can have it!

I just need to believe in myself and in you while manifesting and acting towards certainty.

Thank you for convincing me to be me and igniting my flame!

I shall remove my veil and get better;
Now I can finally see myself thriving!

Time to put the pen down!

The Man Who Made Me Feel

Why do I always write about you?
Because you’re my boo!

I never thought I’d like anyone again for a long time;
I want you to be my partner in crime,
But first, we need to put in more time!

I have so many adventures planned.
I just need to take a stand on my life
So I don’t keep enduring more strife.
Let’s go on this flight
While never getting in a fight
During our plight towards amazingness!
And I don’t want to miss a beat!

We both march to the beat of our own drum
But don’t worry, we never sound dumb!

We are beautiful beings onside and out
And uniting together makes us even stronger,
Which makes me want to stay for longer!

This is the millionth ting I’ve written about you,
But before I met you I was so blue…

Now we both shine brighter than the sun,
Because you are the bun to my burger…

I hope one day we can take this a step further!

Corona Craziness

Remember.
The world we live in
Is supposed to be beautiful.

Right now, it is clouded with a virus named after a beer.

Why don’t you go outside and go for a walk?
The world is too clouded with fear from the media and is going to stay inside and freak out.
Missing out on that opportunity to shine and see the sun.
All that’s being shown is the news;
Outside still exists!

We are one nation, quarantined in solitude, with an oompa loompa in charge of the rulebook.

How will we overcome this madness?

Go for a walk anyway?

When home is like a cage for stressed animals, all you want to do is break free!
With nowhere to go, the streets are a desolate desert town with everyone looking out their window and only going to the store to buy out bread, toilet paper, and hand sanitizer, because now we need to be extra clean, as if we weren’t already?

Pandemonium is real!
When humans are thrown off course, they panic.
I see it from my daily prison cell, which is supposed to be a place of safety, only to be riddled with illness and a rollercoaster-like negative energy.
I have my own shit to do and have nowhere to go to escape the fire…

The only solace is going outside for a walk.
The sun is your friend.
Take a deep breath.
If we can survive the plague and 9-11, we can survive some crazy virus.

Remember,
The world we live in
Is supposed to be beautiful.
And now it is empty…

Time for everyone to come together and start over!

From Red to Rainbows

On an adventure into the abyss
My heart is filled with bliss
And you make me feel more full,
Containing a complete sense of purpose.

My first trip in many years
You help me face my fears
Bugging me for oh so long!

Your touch heals me
Along with your warm essence and being a positive energy source.
You help me prove to myself healing is real and real can be beautiful without clouding it!

I have never said thank you more than I have now in my entire life because now I truly understand what it means to be grateful even after I claimed so multiple times…
I have never “good cried” so many times because you assure me I am safe and tell me to be me and let go…
I have never felt this many positive emotions towards someone until you came along!

We met by fate
And kindness brought me closer to you!

You have showed me why I need to continue to be kind
And changed the trajectory of my life forever for the better
As you have showed me the light;
Hell, you are the light!

One of my therapists told me I am worthy of being loved just because…
Because I am worthy
And can trust you with my being.

You are an angel for being patient with me;
You give me the utmost reasons to want to grow better and stronger
And I shall reciprocate the out of this world brightness in your direction.

I am free
Free to be me
After my temporary flee from hell and bullshit.
I am free
Free from my past and can start my brain over again.

You have turned the red into rainbows;
Now my soul can rest easy at night
All thanks to the power of love.

After these adventures I have realized I am worthy of all things positive
And kindness shall prevail!

Red Face Family

Survey says you have a greater chance of developing mental health illness and drug abuse issues from having a poor relationship with your original family.

To them, I was never enough.

To me, my self esteem has always been flushed down the toilet.

To handle their pain, my parental units like to explode or repress, causing them to argue all the time, them to be sick with stress-induced illnesses, and/or cause mayhem to everyone.

The moment the pain was too much, I knew I needed to remove myself from the family unit and create a new story, but I have no means to do so…

Money has always been a source of strife… 

College never taught money 101 as a general education or freshman course.

I had to learn about money the hard way via fucking up and ending up on the very bottom, bankrupt and broke!

My family always tells me they wish they could help me, but too bad,

I love you, but *insert something negative here*

I wish you were someone/somewhere else in life

We want the best for you, but we can’t do anything…

My therapist thinks they want to help, but I feel like they are focused on the negative energy of their lives and don’t have the resources to help anyone at the moment, including the children they decided to bring into this world.

My family always stressed independence since they never had parents involved in their lives due to early death/their parents leaving the family.

We are social beings and can’t do everything on our own.

If some people can, that’s great, but I don’t think that lifestyle is meant for everyone!

The lack of safe space to be able to deal with emotion caused a great deal of being behind as an adult, as well as a slew of issues that followed me throughout my life and are still causing problems to this day.

I don't want to be sad all the time and started turning to weed daily at 22...

My parents never really talked about sex; I had multiple issues with men.

Seeing my parent’s relationship makes me feel like they never have sex.

My parents only express their feelings to each other by spewing negativity or yelling at each other.

Now I don’t know how to communicate to others when I have a problem because I never learned how to properly do that as a child. I have a multitude of issues maintaining healthy relationships with peers, romantic partners, and managers at work due to fear, which I am slowly but surely overcoming.

At age 25, I was diagnosed with bipolar disorder among a long list of other things and at 27 I was forced to re enter the warzone I swore I’d never go back to ever again until I lost everything. Now I need to re find myself because my true self is located outside these walls.

I may be stuck inside this cage for now, but either I will find the key or someone will bring me the key because this life I am living is just a mere existence. A pet with feelings and a voice. I am better than that and shall prevail! For now, I will find a flashlight to illuminate this darkness!

Kill 'em With Kindness

If someone gave you the world and said it was in your hands now what would you do?
In a world where evil prevails and kindness can send you back to start, taking control of your life can be difficult.
With multiple goals in mind and many blockades in play, how does one win the game?

I feel like I keep writing the same thing over and over again in a different iteration each time.
It’s time to change my story, but how?
To be able to change the world, you need to set yourself up on a path that enables you to have the space to give to others while still being able to help yourself,
But sometimes you need more than 1 set of hands to make your world go round.

We are meant to be social beings; it’s ok to need help!
Kindness makes more pleasure than pain; keep being kind and your support window will grow!
The more support, the bigger and more powerful your life feels.
You can feel like you’re losing when alone until someone throws you a bone!
When you are kind, you are not alone!
So why not use kindness as a weapon instead of hate?

Waterfall

My therapist keeps telling me to trust my fam, but I feel like certain recurring events make me want to keep backing away. How much farther away can I go? I want to send my love to them, but a voice in my head keeps telling me something isn't right.

I want to love my loved ones, but do I even love myself? I do enough to be able to present videos in public... behind the shadows... hiding my heart only for me to see... unless you look deeply within. And even then, my heart is covered with tar. Do you want to help me clean it off or will I just continue to wither away...

The waterfall continues... 

Haikus of Being Free Soon

This rabbit hole is deep
I am stuck and can’t escape
The dark depths of hell!

Being bored has meaning
You’re at the wrong place this time;
You will be free soon!

I don’t want revenge
I only bring upon peace
Until you fuck up!

Stuck

Stuck

I’m stuck in mud and can’t get out.
This mud is so deep;
It’s really only making my feet dirty.
How to get out? How to get out?
I go to reach for the escape rope;
It seems so far away.
All I have to do is extend further;
But sometimes, a little birdie needs to tell me so first…

Word Tricks

Word Tricks: Taking words and adding flare to the definitions!

Sleepy: The desire to doze off after a long day/adventure

Work: Being bored in a place that feels like jail disguised as a place of obtaining income

Bored: Feeling like you’re lifeing without meaning

Stuck: Unable to move or progress without imminent freedom

Love: Being enamored by someone where the feelings are reciprocated on both sides

Will You Go Demon Slaying With Me?

If I can stand here al day writing poems about you, I would!

Every day I’ve been thinking about you more than I can press my thoughts because you help me put them to rest.

You are my demon slayer!

You are the one who takes my worst enemies and tells them to fuck off.

Being as real as humanity you inspire me to bring upon my strongest and most authentic self.

It’s been so long since I’ve ever felt this way towards anyone.

Maybe you’re what I’ve been looking for all along!

Will you go demon slaying with me?

Hopeful

I wish it was easier to make art with a smile than a grimace…

Lately I have been on a streak of lovely occurrences
While hope is in the air.

Every time I think my world is crumbling, I close my eyes and breathe,
And tell myself I am not homeless, in jail, or in the hospital.

I may not be a holiday person,
But I would like to give as much thanks as possible
And not only on Thanksgiving.

I used to feel super alone and distant from those closest to me;
When I opened my eyes and heart and want to share the positivity every day,
People seem to want to stay.

My tribe is my family.
They help me achieve my best self in the name of love and won’t leave through the absolute worst.

On top of it all,
I used to think I was going to be single forever.
Someone told me you will find love when you’re not looking or trying
And BAM there it is… right in front of me in one of the most obvious places.
Love is in the air
I hope I can stay as bright as possible even with this rain cloud above my head.
How will you stay happy, humble, and positive?

I Dream of Dark Chocolate

I’ve been single for so long
But am starting to feel more full.
Being different has held me back,
And has put me ahead of the pack.

There’s a twinkle in my eye that’s so close yet so far
I wish I could jump into my phone screen and see you.
You check all my boxes and aren’t a figment of my imagination
Or a cartoon character.
My time with you is like a vacation…
A vacation from my brain that takes me to a paradise island!

Only time will tell
I hope we never yell
Except at a rave,
Which you will be my babe.

You treat me super well,
Which caused me to raise my standards,
Though you are far from standard!

The last time I wrote a love poem
It was 9.5 minutes long and the person turned out to be Voldemort from Harry Potter.

You are like the blotter I put into my mouth and see stars, the moon, and rainbows.
My eyes, ears, and heart are wide open!
I hope this paper is tasteless,
So I can take my dark chocolate bar and run with it.

Pinch me!
I hope this isn’t another fucking dream…

Positive Haiku Poems

What all can I do
To be embraced by someone?
Be yourself and win!

Bye negativity
Time to rid myself of hell
Before it eats me!

To win the battle
You must hold it together
To prove your own strength

What is family?
It may not be who you think.
Careful who you choose!

Home is in your heart
Not where other people say
Or where bullies are…

You can reach the stars
Sometimes the stars come to you
Only if you try…

Believe in yourself
Even when no one else does
You must still believe!

Love wins over all
Kindness destroys the evil
The real shall prevail!

Healing Sun

What can make the sun come out today?
Is it up to God?
Is it up to me?
Is it up to some undefined higher power known as the weather, which may or may not be controlled by something up there?

It is raining in my eyes right now.
I see Niagara Falls from a mile away, but have never been.
Going to a new destination would fill me, but I cry so much and my bucket is still empty…

Is there a place where the sun is always out?
Is there a place where a special healing plant is always in season?
Do I have to find the sun or make something happen on my own or can lady fate help me?
Someone please embrace me!

Maybe I have to plant the seeds to make the magic plant appear to help the sun come out and make it warm again?
I’ll figure it out and make my own goddamn sun!

Bye Bye Base

My childhood house is not a home;
It is the shelter above my head and nothing else.

What is home?
Home is a dwelling place with benefits
Like when you’re playing tag as a child and holding onto the pole at the park deemed as “base”

Base is the only place you’re supposed to fully be safe and immune to harm in the game

Now imagine “base” being removed from tag.
You would be running around endlessly struggling to find freedom until either the round ended or you got a game over…

My home life has never been a positive experience.
The atmosphere is clouded with the spirit of Debbie Downer with a  side of infinite stress and my parents fighting all the time.
I feel like I’m tiptoeing on lit coals with criticism in the background disguised as love being force fed into my mouth.

I’m on a mission to find my voice;
Every time I speak a barrier seems to deflect my purpose and overtake my belonging…

Visions in my head sound off to search for direction but have led me to hell and back

Nowhere feels safe anymore;
What is privacy anyway?

My room and car are subject to search even behind locked doors;
The negative energy overtakes the entire space…

Every waking moment feels like a fight against the shadow monsters with your secret weapon being disabled.
Sadly, it seems like the only way to win the battle is to teach myself to fly and flee to find the escape rope to my freedom…

What would you do if your home was the enemy?

Chill the Fuck Out

I’m not ok
The spirits in my heart are trying to take over
Where is the bay?
It’s all over the place…

Nothing makes sense anymore
As I’m trying to escape through the dark depths of hell
What do I do?
I can ward off the demons and chill.

Relax!
Before you fall on over
For the demon to take over
Why must it be me?
There’s a reason for that
Take a deep breath
And make sure to release the warrior inside!

Still hanging in there
Before I get even sicker
I don’t need a doctor
I need a miracle and a prayer
What I can’t see
Is where I need to be
Before the ship sets sail without me…

Take a deep breath
Before you fall on over
For the demon to take over
Why me?
It happens for a reason
Chill the fuck out
And make sure to release the evil inside!

Damn
What the hell is going gin this lifetime of mine
I hope I’ll be fine
Rest in pieces
Is where I’ll go if I don’t feed myself with love and healing
I need to get the fuck out of here
In order for me to see clear
What do I do?
Where do I go?
Just get up and keep on trying
(and don’t ever give up)

Chill the fuck out
Before you wage a war with the demon inside
Why me?
It happens for a reason
Then why not me?
It’s time to embrace life
Everything happens for a reason
You need to make sure to please yourself
So take a deep breath
And be are to release the beast inside!

Take a deep breath
And chill the fuck out
Take a deep breath
And chill the fuck out
Take a deep breath
And chill the fuck out
(and don’t ever give up)

The Lone Shining Light

I want to be happy, I promise!
Though I have never felt more alone in my entire life… until right now.

It is the holiday season right now and all I want to do is work or do something productive.
Part of me feels like I have nothing to celebrate,
While the rest of me doesn’t have a safe place to go to celebrate.
Might as well throw a dinner and trip to the arcade party, party of 1.

Tis the time to be with other people.
During the time I need it most,
You find out how selfish humankind really is.

I don’t mean to be salty,
But my tears taste that way…

Joy seems to be somewhere yonder,
Even though survey says you’re not supposed to seek it out.

I feel so full of energy
With the pain buried down below.

In order to fully shine, you need to fill your own cup.

One of my tables at work a few days ago asked me how I was doing.
I said I was fine with a smile and they immediately called my bullshit.
I replied by saying I was fine in the present moment, which was true, and gracefully walked away like all the people in my life seem to be doing right now.

My pain translated itself into illness, which causes people to disappear with haste.

If the ultimate goal is to spread light, how can you do so when the light is dim?
Illuminate the black, of course.

What if you are the black?

If creatively sorting my thoughts and drawing it onto a notepad is the only way to get people to listen, so be it.

I will continue spreading as much light as I can in this crazy life I am grateful for having.

Learning to be alone is a skill.

One of these days, I will figure out how to touch the stars,
But someone else has the key.
In that case, I’ll go to the moon instead!