Red Face Family

Survey says you have a greater chance of developing mental health illness and drug abuse issues from having a poor relationship with your original family.

To them, I was never enough.

To me, my self esteem has always been flushed down the toilet.

To handle their pain, my parental units like to explode or repress, causing them to argue all the time, them to be sick with stress-induced illnesses, and/or cause mayhem to everyone.

The moment the pain was too much, I knew I needed to remove myself from the family unit and create a new story, but I have no means to do so…

Money has always been a source of strife… 

College never taught money 101 as a general education or freshman course.

I had to learn about money the hard way via fucking up and ending up on the very bottom, bankrupt and broke!

My family always tells me they wish they could help me, but too bad,

I love you, but *insert something negative here*

I wish you were someone/somewhere else in life

We want the best for you, but we can’t do anything…

My therapist thinks they want to help, but I feel like they are focused on the negative energy of their lives and don’t have the resources to help anyone at the moment, including the children they decided to bring into this world.

My family always stressed independence since they never had parents involved in their lives due to early death/their parents leaving the family.

We are social beings and can’t do everything on our own.

If some people can, that’s great, but I don’t think that lifestyle is meant for everyone!

The lack of safe space to be able to deal with emotion caused a great deal of being behind as an adult, as well as a slew of issues that followed me throughout my life and are still causing problems to this day.

I don't want to be sad all the time and started turning to weed daily at 22...

My parents never really talked about sex; I had multiple issues with men.

Seeing my parent’s relationship makes me feel like they never have sex.

My parents only express their feelings to each other by spewing negativity or yelling at each other.

Now I don’t know how to communicate to others when I have a problem because I never learned how to properly do that as a child. I have a multitude of issues maintaining healthy relationships with peers, romantic partners, and managers at work due to fear, which I am slowly but surely overcoming.

At age 25, I was diagnosed with bipolar disorder among a long list of other things and at 27 I was forced to re enter the warzone I swore I’d never go back to ever again until I lost everything. Now I need to re find myself because my true self is located outside these walls.

I may be stuck inside this cage for now, but either I will find the key or someone will bring me the key because this life I am living is just a mere existence. A pet with feelings and a voice. I am better than that and shall prevail! For now, I will find a flashlight to illuminate this darkness!

Weddingriffic Misadventures

Just to preface, I am not and have never been married or engaged... or in a relationship that's lasted longer than a year.

So many people around me are getting married, having kids, moving in with their partners, getting dogs, and settling down; here I am, super single, driving for Uber at insane hours, and trying to figure out what I want to do with the rest of my life. Social media likes to flaunt how picture perfect people’s lives are, especially at peak events. I haven’t been to too many weddings, but unfortunately, the ones I’ve been to haven’t been for my friends and have been quite the misadventure so far! Most of my only positive wedding adventures have consisted of driving passengers for Uber to weddings or to a place to get ready for the wedding.

None of my dearest friends whom I'm close enough with to be invited to their wedding have been married... well... except one of my friends who I've been friends with since I was in 6th grade. She ended up having an oops baby with a man she met at a Jewish overnight camp in Washington state. The catch is, she grew up in Buffalo Grove (Chicago burbs) and he was one of the counselors from Israel. With the baby on the way and them soon getting engaged, they ended up deciding to have their wedding in Israel. Most of my friends are males, so excluding my sister, this would likely have been my only chance to stand up in a wedding (unless she for whatever reason gets married again). Even though I had enough money at the time, I didn't want to attend a wedding where I had little control what I did when I would be spending thousands of dollars to go to Israel... no thanks! Maybe another time!

A year later, I began dating a man who I refer to as "Voldemort" because he was such a jerk bag. He first invited me to a wedding for one of his coworkers 3 weeks after we met. I was like, "um... I haven't known you long enough and don't feel comfortable doing this". About 6 months later, Voldemort was a groomsman in one of my sister's friends weddings and asked me to be his plus one again. I reluctantly decided to go. We drove to Kokomo, Indiana and stayed in a hotel. We stayed at a Motel 6, which wasn't that bad, but not the expensive hotel everyone else stayed at. He was very notorious for starting petty arguments, but he behaved for most of the time. I didn't really know anyone besides my sister, her boyfriend, Voldemort, a couple others I met at the rehearsal dinner, and 1 other person. I proceeded to get comfortably drunk along with some free drinks from the limo since Voldemort was a groomsman. I danced my heart off in my heels and had no care in the world. I even won limbo and proceeded to spin the limbo stick like a staff because I'm a flow artist... even though I was drunk. When the garter toss happened though, I imagined it like the drummer of a rock band tossing his drum sticks or the guitarist tossing his picks. Again, I was still drunk at that point. I caught the garter like I caught a T-shirt tossed by Halestorm (the band) and Voldemort swatted it out of my hand. I was like, "wtf man"; to avoid a further scene, I handed the flowers to a little girl and walked away. Besides for that, the wedding was "aight". I had a food baby from the rehearsal dinner of very much Mexican food and frozen margaritas! Nommity nommity nommity nom!

A year after this wedding, it was time for my cousins to get married. Only this time, I had no plus one and I am not very close with my blood family. I was very close to ditching the wedding completely, but reluctantly decided to go for the free food and open bar. I had an ominous feeling about going and proceeded to pregame pretty hard to take the edge off of everything. I felt very beautiful on the outside and was excited to wear a brand new dress I bought. After the ceremony, my uncle decided to make a "neighborhood friendly comment" of, "oh, you look great" to me and, "oh you look even better" to my sister. After that, I mentally checked out of the wedding and was counting down the hours to go home. I stuffed my face with appetizers and drinks until I had the largest food baby ever. At least I got to feel fancy for a night and eat fancy hotel food that looked like I was eating at a 5 star luxury restaurant. Yay for being able to be classy and pretend to be rich for a night. My mom was showing me off like a display in a China cabinet. As a dancer, I didn't even feel comfortable dancing. I was beyond miserable and no amount of alcohol, food, or other substance could make me feel better. Once dessert was over, I bounced like a ninja and said that, "the alcohol was making me sick", though if I drank anymore I would have been sick. My friends picked me up from the train station after I made my escape and proceeded to comfort me the rest of the night, because my mood was in "black face land", meaning the worst possible mood I could be in. Seeing them was the highlight of my night.

Hopefully the next wedding I attend, which I hope is for one of my friends, I'll be able to ring the bell of joy instead of want to stick my head into my pillow crying. Marriage is supposed to be happy and I can't wait to be at a wedding where I can dance the night away, bring my LED light flow props to mesmerize my friends, and be merry!

The Tallest Candle on the Tree

And today for my Christmas poetry musings, here's my newest work, "The Tallest Candle on the Tree" - I speak from the unconventional Christmas views and experiences of not really having a blood family to want to talk to, my roommates are with family, my sister is with her boyfriend, I'm off work, etc. Instead of dwelling about being alone on Christmas, I decided to use it as a day to celebrate myself instead (I never grew up celebrating Xmas either). So Merry Holidaymas to everyone and with that, my poem is below!

It’s Christmas! 

When I woke up in the morning, 

There were no bells singing,

Reindeers running through my apartment,

Or Santa answering to milk and cookies at my doorstep.

Everyone’s either with family or their partner.

Love is in the air,

As we all want to catch a stare at this holy point in the year.

Here I sit on my big blue comfy couch,

With my laptop blocking the view of the holiday bush in my apartment,

Writing this poem in the same solitude I see from 9-5 in my grey box with no windows.

Oh how I yearn to have a clan to spend the holidays with,

Dress up nice,

And share a victory feast with.

Only this year is different than other years.

If fifteen was my lucky number,

Why would I be alone on Christmas?

Only this year is different than all other years.

It’s a common cliche only until it’s actually true!

Because this year, the Shamash candle, the central and highest-standing candle in a Menorah, has been lit every day for all of December

To signify the creation of a new beginning and newly found sense of self worth.

The Shamash candle also acts the keeper for the core central flame gathered when I visited my other star warriors, aka my second family.

Instead of feeling the need to celebrate with others all the time,

How about taking this day to celebrate myself on the only day of the year I’m not tied down to 8000 commitments or people because everything is either closed or canceled.

Or how about telling myself, “hey, you’ve worked your ass off for the past 350 something days and your roommates are gone for a few hours, go relax and have some me time because you’ve definitely done way more than enough to deserve it!”

People should take more days to honor themselves

And appreciate each day spent on earth,

Not in a hospital bed.

I don’t need some day in the calendar dictating when I’m supposed to see my loved ones just because I never grew up celebrating Christmas, I dumped a boyfriend for being a douchenwaffle and value my dignity and finding myself over being in a relationship, and these communities I have become a part of in my adult life are more my family than my blood family;

It’s better to be surrounded by your own warmth and knowing you’re loved than to be in an environment clouded by toxicity!

That way, you can realize the only way to see the light on the tree is to take your laptop off your lap!

If fifteen is my lucky number,

I can surely name 15 people I’ve helped this year and 15 things I’ve accomplished this year!

Here’s to everyone being happy and healthy on this extra warm holidaymas!

A Nerd's Awakening

This is the story of when I realized it was ok to be myself. Enjoy!

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Every day at a place I thought was home in the averagetown burbs, with an identical twin sister, and my mom and dad, I felt like I had a neon sign on my back displaying, “goat”. This term represented being the center of negative attention. I’m about to go chill at my friend’s place and decided to wear pink leggings, blue shorts with cherries, a Five Finger Death Punch shirt, an ear full of metal and an armful of bling, the family points and laughs. My mom says, “Are you really going to go out in public like that”. I reply, “um, yeah?!?” I then storm out the door and slam it shut, never looking back, wondering what I did to make myself the black sheep.

Being an identical twin almost means two people, one soul. I still get called by my sister’s name by those who don’t even know I have an identical twin sister named Rachel. But how do you find your own identity by having the same friends, doing the same sports and activities for the most part, going to the same college, even choosing the same major, and never having any room to find yourself? At least having the initials “RAD” is pretty rad, even though they aren’t unique…

From my endless amounts of experiences, long list of hobbies, and trying to fill every moment and every person around me with color, I’ve learned that life is a story. You are the main character. Each adventure you take marks another chapter in your book. You can choose to either have 15 pages, 100 pages, or even a thousand pages. As for me, I like to venture into distant lands.

When I went to college, like everyone else, I wanted to find my home and people to call my family, since I abide by the phrase, “the blood of the covenant is thicker than the water of the womb”. It was also a time for me to shake the neon sign and pray a trail of the ill colored light didn’t decide to follow me. For most of my life, most of my friends have been men. Even growing up, I was best friends with a man named Kyle who inspired me to proceed down the path of nerddom. With the strong desires to bring some women into my life, I decided to go Greek. A major goal of the Greek system is to recruit members, but what if you’re indirectly assigned the role of the water boy instead of being able to talk to people? We would be in the Circus Room of the Student Center, tables set up all eloquently, about 50 women decorated fully and sporting their nicest lettered shirts, sitting at tables in their poses, and trying to convince women to join the sorority. My goal was to authentically see if the woman’s values fit with mine and would fit with what the sorority would want in a reputable person. Apparently, all that got me doing was serving finger sandwiches and water to my sisters and the pnms aka “potential new members”, and getting yelled at for checking my phone during voting while my mom was telling me my great aunt had just been admitted to the hospital.  By the end of the day, I was left out on the street to fend for myself, and don’t really talk to any of my “sisters” at this point in time. The last time I was invited anywhere was to someone’s birthday party, which just so happened to be on the same day as “Belegarth day event” (where you fight and converse during the day only and don’t camp overnight). I yearned for some real friends in my life because I sure didn’t find many in college.

After four years away from the nest, it was time to fly home again. Almost 2 months after getting back, I was introduced to a world of the nerd club, singing pirates, hitting people with foam weapons, campfires, camaraderie, medievalness, lots of food, and even the Mystery Machine? My friend Josh I met in the IT department at school, offered me a ride to the local “nerd club” practice in Elgin, IL. I accepted his offer, showed up in my workout clothes, and had no idea what I was getting myself into. After the schpeal of “Welcome to the Belegarth Medieval Combat Society” and being told the rules, I was handed a foam sword, a foam shield, and told to go get em. I ended up beating 1 person, which was an accomplishment for me. Plus, people were drawing conversations with me and seemed interested in me. Flabbergasted like a 5 year old who missed several social cues throughout life, to myself, I was like “what, you want to be my friend”, and awhile later, start screaming to myself, “they like me, they really like me!”. After the practice was over, everyone present went to go get Mexican food as usual, and talked as if we had known each other forever. From then on, I knew I was hooked.

Once I joined Belegarth, the neon sign fell off. I looked at it, stomped it on the ground, and glided forward. I learned how the bullying stopped once I fully accepted myself. Bullying is very real, and went on for me from about age 3 to age 23 in some form or another. But that’s not going to stop the warrior side from taking over. All of the times I was told to go get em, I told myself I needed to rise from the scars of my past, including the ones I have to wear every day. I also needed to tell myself finding a home in the stars was possible. After an encounter with the magic jester god, he introduced me to the holder of the stars named Kabii. The first time I saw the fellowship of Selonia, once I reached my “official” 1 year anniversary of being in Belegarth, I was welcomed into camp with a giant hug machine, apple pie drink inside of a skull, more food than I can stomach, and 6am ventures of laughing, crying, and seeing the sun come up around a campfire. I was welcomed into the fellowship and plan on placing my turkey stamp and cooking parades this year where my home away from Chicago is, Davenport, Iowa.

After many years, it looks like this program finally runs. Finding your home is actually possible as long as you are willing to keep putting yourself out there with grace and pride. When I ask myself what I could have done to become the black sheep, the answer is nothing. All I did was be myself every time and fight those who try to stop me. For those of you who struggle with being different, you are never alone. Being yourself is something to never be frowned or ridiculed upon, because nowadays, nerd is the new cool! I love being a nerd. Do you?

Surviving an Episode of the Mother's Day Show

Since I feel people notice Hallmark Holidays, especially ones directed at a parent, when they're close with their parents or their parents have passed away, I'd like to touch onto the third category of these holidays, which is troubled relationship with parents. My poems haven't entered this direction in awhile, but after seeing too many happy social media posts from others, I had to get the sour feelings off my chest. Thus, this poem was born. Enjoy!

Last Updated: 5-8-16

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Dear Hallmark Holiday,
I see all the Facebook pictures, cards, flowers, gifts, and social media posts, saying “Happy Mother’s Day to my beautiful mother” or other silly sappiness.

Let me begin again by saying I am not mourning a loss,
But instead, I am envisioning the feelings I wish I had and channeling my inner smile by thinking about my friends who are new moms…

My heart aches at the inability to post a picture on Facebook of us because I would rather be my own free agent than show the world the woman who created my boss levels.

I shudder at my inability to tell you I love you, which I don’t remember the last time I’ve done so.
I don't feel safe around you and the thought of family gatherings makes me wake up feeling like I rolled in the mud and forgot to take a shower.

My stomach drops like the Tower of Terror ride at the inability to trust you, see you as a role model, or see myself as your daughter.

Fast forward to most episodes of the Mother’s Day show after I had to venture to your headquarters as usual.
I walk into the room and feel like you see me as someone from a distant land and parade me more intensely than the toughest job interview.
The episode replays itself annually as I put on my fake smile and bring you a present.

I can’t even tell you the slightest bit about my life, which leads you to Google-creep my name to find I was a finalist in a bacon cooking contest or my blog posts in which I share my story publicly.

Mom, if you end up seeing this poem online, I want you to know you are still my mom, my adventures are helping me forgive you, and you are the reason why I am alive.
I no longer wish to hold onto the dead weight of bitterness, because I thank you for raising me right to learn the skills to become a successful and independent woman.

To everyone who struggles with parental unit relationships, you are not alone or forgotten about during these arbitrary calendar days.
There are hopefully other people in your life to show love and affection to without a hallmark holiday.
You are all loved by many and may have to live through some uncomfortable encounters, but you will win and move forward.

While embarking on soul-searching ventures to figure out who I need in my life, the biggest lesson I want to share is how family and love don’t come from blood or default placement; they come from where the stars guide you.

The Team

Something I have been interested in trying to do is work with spoken word poetry. I am working on getting/making a musical background to accompany the pieces I choose for utilizing this style. The reason why I like spoken word so much is because you are able to physically convey the meaning of a poem through your own raw emotions and your voice as opposed to reading words on a paper (or in this case, on a screen). I heard it at my internship one time last summer as a presentation during a banquet and I fell in love with it.

So far, I am going to use this, as well as Lenses for my spoken word endeavors.

I'm also going to start posting the backstories to all of the poems that I post on here from now on in order to give people who read these a better understanding of where I'm coming from when I write.

With this one, it's basically a depiction of someone who knows their identity and is one to challenge society for being different. Their family doesn't accept them, but their friends do. They put up a wall at home to avoid ridicule and try to defend from the attacks. In the end, it's the best decision to remain true to yourself, remain optimistic about the situation, and never give up, despite feeling like you're going to explode!

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Imagine being on a team
Where everyone is supposed to be all for one one for all, right?

Then think of what a family means…
Just think about it…
Always there for each other
Supportive
Loving
Together…

But then you mess up and think you're supposed to be forgiven with some apologies, sugar coating, and politeness, right?

Just picture your family saying "this outfit makes you look fat", or "you're wearing too much eyeshadow today", or "you were texting during the movie"… on a consistent daily basis

It makes me feel like a pink blob in a grey world where it's apparently uncool to unleash your own spirit into the public eye… to make the sadness die… where your team turns a blind eye…

JUST TELL ME, WHAT DID I DO WRONG? WHY DO YOU INSIST IN TREATING ME THIS WAY?

The team turns their backs and walks away into the distant fading shadows…

Am I a black sheep or something?
Being different means you can still be part of a team…
Are you ditching me? HELLO? HELLO?

A family is supposed to be your foundation for who you are, your automatic support system, your everything…
It is a team of people who venture through the clouds and turbulence together while holding hands

The antithesis of a family is your own flesh and blood turning the tides and the blame on you, making you cry all the time… and you wonder why…

In the battlefield, taking punches just to survive without fighting back is not the path one should resort to turning towards
Being yourself is hard enough
But behind the barbed wire, you place a veil over your natural character and reveal a false image that refuses to enter the norm and struggles for acceptance

Slowly unsheathing the veil, the attacks are all coming back…
You put up a shield
Struggling to hold on, the monster wants to break free!

WHO ARE YOU TO GO SLANDERING ME ALL THE TIME? JUST SHUT UP! DO YOU REALIZE HOW DAMAGING THIS IS? *slams door*

Crying for mercy, the team puts up an evil eye and claims it's for the betterment and out of love

IS THIS HOW YOU'RE GOING TO SHOW ME YOU LOVE ME? JUST SAY SOMETHING NICE FOR ONCE!

They laugh and smile in jubilation as if all of your words are just a joke…

Feeling defeated, you sit on your bed and think for a while
Shutting the world away, you take your pile of advice from your closest friends who accept you and begin to read it…

It starts to rain
The display of earthly turbulence begins

Slowly opening the blinds and looking at each drop of rain, reflection stirs up inside
To a clear realization, a rainbow appears, showing the path to your team
Where the brightness of the colors resonates through your tears and calms the monster within

As the rainbow guides you to the goal, you realize that the solo player prevails
Those who are attacked will know how to defend and teach others the art of wisdom
They can showcase the beauty in the world and withstand the brutality in the package

Being the black sheep has benefits that outweigh the costs
But just so you know, nothing is lost
Because the single player can foster imagination
Always seeing the light of day
Can always carry their own way
And most importantly, will never… ever give up!