Red Face Family

Survey says you have a greater chance of developing mental health illness and drug abuse issues from having a poor relationship with your original family.

To them, I was never enough.

To me, my self esteem has always been flushed down the toilet.

To handle their pain, my parental units like to explode or repress, causing them to argue all the time, them to be sick with stress-induced illnesses, and/or cause mayhem to everyone.

The moment the pain was too much, I knew I needed to remove myself from the family unit and create a new story, but I have no means to do so…

Money has always been a source of strife… 

College never taught money 101 as a general education or freshman course.

I had to learn about money the hard way via fucking up and ending up on the very bottom, bankrupt and broke!

My family always tells me they wish they could help me, but too bad,

I love you, but *insert something negative here*

I wish you were someone/somewhere else in life

We want the best for you, but we can’t do anything…

My therapist thinks they want to help, but I feel like they are focused on the negative energy of their lives and don’t have the resources to help anyone at the moment, including the children they decided to bring into this world.

My family always stressed independence since they never had parents involved in their lives due to early death/their parents leaving the family.

We are social beings and can’t do everything on our own.

If some people can, that’s great, but I don’t think that lifestyle is meant for everyone!

The lack of safe space to be able to deal with emotion caused a great deal of being behind as an adult, as well as a slew of issues that followed me throughout my life and are still causing problems to this day.

I don't want to be sad all the time and started turning to weed daily at 22...

My parents never really talked about sex; I had multiple issues with men.

Seeing my parent’s relationship makes me feel like they never have sex.

My parents only express their feelings to each other by spewing negativity or yelling at each other.

Now I don’t know how to communicate to others when I have a problem because I never learned how to properly do that as a child. I have a multitude of issues maintaining healthy relationships with peers, romantic partners, and managers at work due to fear, which I am slowly but surely overcoming.

At age 25, I was diagnosed with bipolar disorder among a long list of other things and at 27 I was forced to re enter the warzone I swore I’d never go back to ever again until I lost everything. Now I need to re find myself because my true self is located outside these walls.

I may be stuck inside this cage for now, but either I will find the key or someone will bring me the key because this life I am living is just a mere existence. A pet with feelings and a voice. I am better than that and shall prevail! For now, I will find a flashlight to illuminate this darkness!

Stuck

Stuck

I’m stuck in mud and can’t get out.
This mud is so deep;
It’s really only making my feet dirty.
How to get out? How to get out?
I go to reach for the escape rope;
It seems so far away.
All I have to do is extend further;
But sometimes, a little birdie needs to tell me so first…

#livingathomechronicles

I am not the person I once was. The past is over now. I am who I am today... #livingathomechronicles

My dreams are different than what you want, but I am secretly building an empire I've never told you about #livingathomechonicles

My success is dressed in rainbows. You're just colorblind. I'm not rebelling. I'm comfortable being myself #livingathomechronicles

I don't need your help. I'm quietly seeking my chosen path of therapy and healing... #livingathomechronicles

No, I don't need to be force fed how to live according to your standards. I need to learn how to fly and sometimes crash into walls to learn my lesson... #livingathomechronicles

Broken Record

I feel like my friends are tired of me telling them the same story over and over again...

It is past 4am
And I'm scrolling through my messages wondering who my next victim will be to hear about how I found another way to screw myself over.
I don't want to bother anyone,
But my instincts tell me to message someone before I shove more artificialness through my mouth because I haven't been to therapy in 2 weeks...

It would be nice if someone could hold my hand and tell me everything would be ok, but I've held my own hand the last 4+ years.
While I don't regret it, I need to open the door instead of letting myself continue to drown...

"I'm a strong independent woman!"
I continue to chant that to myself as I try not to let myself cry.
The magicness is right next to me, but it's locked in the safe and I shouldn't go grab the key...

"I'm a strong independent woman!"
I continue to tell myself that while pushing unnecessary societal and familial pressures aside to keep myself afloat.
I am one to march to my own irrythymic heartbeat at my own pace and shall continue on my way to the golden roads!

"I'm a strong independent woman!"
I scream that to myself in the mirror as I look at my bare body, realize what I've done to it, and vow to be better.

I'm not a broken record.
You cannot shatter me as easy as glass breaks.
I may sound a little off, but I still am able to function.

I'm sorry the songs have some minor keys, but I'm not sorry for being me!
I'm not sorry for being free!
And I'm definitely not sorry for being different.

I have already walked away from the ridicule for it to follow me back to what is supposed to be home.

If I am a strong independent woman as I say, it is time to lay the layers, brick by brick, and pave my own golden roads!

Prey Meets Rock

I feel like prey,
The clay that gets destroyed when the fire is so strong it's ineffective.
When the blood of the covenant is not thicker than the water of the womb I wonder why and want to cry... And then run away...
To the abyss where it feels like I keep taking shots and I miss...
The shots hit the rim and bounce right out every time...

I need to be a rock...
Immovable and hard to destroy...
Because I won't be your toy
As you are a leech and shall let your grasp finally elude me...

Goodbye to you.
You are not my family.
You have sucked every ounce of blood out of me, but I am still conscious.
I will be my own rock
And squash whoever tries to break me!
I have learned from my mistakes while the stakes were high,
And now I will make the successful shot I need...
Right in the net!

Long Lived the Magic Vape Pen

I want to wake up and taste the rainbow
But today, the rainbow tastes like grey...

10am...
When I get out of bed, the clutter next to me shines into my near sighted vision as I roll to my left and immediately reach for my magic vape pen.
10 hits later I'm ready to begin my adventures...
I meander down the stairs of my childhood home wondering what the hell I'm still doing here and create some tastiness.

12pm... 
My indecisive mind that never stops churning takes me to my laptop sitting in my bed to attempt to do some work.
10 more hits of the magic vape pen later I'm ready for bed...

3pm...
I wonder why the fuck I'm still in bed and realize my endless to do list is incomplete and I scramble to do shit...
10 more hits of the magic vape pen later I grab my phone and start texting people the same cycle on repeat to wonder how some of these people haven't used an escape rope...
1 more hit of the magic vape pen later I've realized half my pen is gone in a day and text my friend that I need to put the pen down...

4pm...
I still have to do the everything and frantically jump in the shower...

5:30pm...
3 hits of the magic vape pen later I should probably put the pen down so I don't require more slumber and run to the gas station for some awakeness...
I end up meeting some friends at Dave and Busters and go to the bathroom to "change" and secretly take 5 more hits of my magic vape pen before playing multiple games of dance dance revolution...
My friend who works at the arcade wonders if I'm ok and tells me I look like I'm out of it.
I tell him what's up and he finally convinces me to stop craving magic and start craving natural beauty...

11pm...
My legs are jello and I can't move... I waited until no one would notice me to go back to where I shouldn't be going, but need my own escape rope.
It's buried somewhere... Likely right in front of me...
But in the meantime, long lived the magic vape pen...
If I stop investing in magic and start investing in nature, the wind will carry me to where the treasure is buried and I'll live happily ever after... Sort of...

For now, at least I know the rainbow tastes like candy and I don't need magic to survive!

Now, time to go the fuck to sleep!

Can I Have Some Sour Cream With That?

My first attempt at trying to write some more comedic/stand-up related content. Having a poetry/storytelling background, and googling how to write a punchline were definitely helpful in this endeavour!



“Can I have some more sour cream with that?”


Being a server
An adventure embarked on while trying to figure out which road to take combined with a love of people and food,
Even the most quirky of people can survive.
Running trays, bussing tables, and picking up after people can sometimes be a pain,
But the love for making people’s day takes all!


I walk into work smiling every day
Even when my family gives me a hard time right before starting my shift.
My coworkers ask me, “how are you so happy all the time?”
And my answer is, “laughing is my anti drug and talking to people is my sanity!”


This one time, when I first started the current job I have, I had the worst table of my life.
The four guests who appeared to be of some sort of Indian descent asked for the most complicated order I’ve ever seen. And don’t forget about the extra jalepenos… grilled and seasoned to perfection… and extra spicy…
And some extra sour cream with that!
The next day, the manager tells me I got 4 bad reviews the previous night.
I guess the sour cream was as sour as their attitude… and their tip!


The day before I quit my first serving job, one of the managers said serving wasn’t for me.
Guess what I did by accident a few hours later?
Spill an entire pot of soup in the soup warmer instead of the container inside the warmer and then tell the other manager that I quit about an hour later… Oops!


I enjoy serving,
But I wonder where my next adventures will take me…
Maybe I’ll become the next “Mama Julia”
The world may never know…
Oh shit, my table just got sat!

How to Better Yourself and Survive in a Toxic Living Environment

Living at home instead of in freedom...

It had been about 4 years since any evident return to the nest. I know this topic has been brought up on this blog and through my expressions years ago, but here we are once again... living at home... *cough* I mean hellhole land.

How did I get here? AGAIN? The last couple of times this happened, I had an immediate escape route (a place to go to avoid being at the nest or an immediate plan to move out because I had a nice shiny job), but now, after October, 2018, my escape route has escaped...

Last night, I went to bed at about 3am after a lovely day of productivity and not having to work. I was notified of an additional snow day at work and decided to stay up later indulging in video games.

My sister and me were fast asleep and at about 8am, we were woken up by the sound of my mom yelling/freaking out over where the TV remote was. We couldn't fall back asleep for another 2 hours and have been running on fumes all day. The first thing I wanted was a cup of coffee with a side of some vices. I want to be able to feel good physically and mentally in order to continue embarking on my path to success and being "here" isn't going to make me feel good. It is not worth "saving money" just to be in a negative environment. I am in the process of cutting my expenses on vices and using what I would spend on vices to cover a security deposit and a few month's rent somewhere.

It isn't just being woken up to screaming that's the problem.

I am not in the best shape of my life, but have dropped almost 15 pounds in the last month or so. Here I am celebrating an accomplishment, but I go to eat yesterday while my mom is also on a snow day and sitting in the kitchen, I grab "whatever I feel like eating" and receive negative feedback (ex., "why are you eating that?") about basically just eating in general because "apparently everything I put in my mouth is going to make me gain weight" while my mom is projecting her poor body image onto me just because my weight issues are a bit more blatant. Even my uncle didn't accept my body image when I was at a happy weight because he isn't happy with himself and wants to project that onto me, a vulnerable target. At least I am healthy enough to run for 15 minutes without stopping and pass songs on Dance Dance Revolution that I haven't passed since I gained the weight back again (before I started getting in shape again).

I keep telling myself how well I am doing and how I am accomplishing a bunch of small goals. It's always good to look at the bright side of things NO MATTER WHAT. Right now, I may not have a shiny job, but at least I have a job that's making me feel adequate and I can go there smiling every day. I am smiling because I am free and in my own world. I can make connections and be myself without negative feedback. My parents want me to have some stability and have a healthier financial life, but it seems like the only things my mom likes to talk about are complaints, money, and negative feedback in the form of, "I just want the best for you". My job isn't good enough to be accepted, but at least I am healthy enough to work. At this point last year, I couldn't even hold onto a job for very long because my mental health was bothering me too much. Both my parents fight all the time and after almost 33 years of marriage, I wonder why they are still married. My mom wants to be safe and my dad is whipped by her. He feels negative because he doesn't have the best job and projects that onto my mom, which is more negative energy projected onto the entire house.

How can one be successful in a negative environment?

Honestly, the best way to thrive in a negative environment is to get the hell out of there as much as possible whether it be working (at work), going to a coffee shop to go opportunity hunting, going to networking events to meet more positive people, and exercising/being involved in hobbies. Of course, the other thing to do is focus on what you can do now to make your future more fruitful. My biggest goal is to be free again and get my own place. For me, if I want to be a viral blogger and youtuber, I have to produce my own content frequently in order to get there instead of giving all my time to "the man" and to "everyone else". I don't need to be like everyone else in order to be accepted, because as long as I accept myself and keep smiling in places where I am safe and free, all will continue to move forward as expected.

2019 is my year. 2019 I will be out of this place for good and onto the path to realizing my dreams! I can do it. Besides for living in this place, everything else in 2019 has been solid. By this point last year, my year was up in flames. If I can keep smiling with this hellhole in my shadows, you can too!

Happy end of January and snow day (again), everyone!

When Dreams are More than Dreams

What do you want to do when you grow up? Do you want to be an everybody, or do you want to be extraordinary?

While graduating from college with a computer science degree, I thought for the longest time I wanted to be a computer programmer. My parents were blown away when I got a job out of school making bank. They thought I was "super successful", even though I was dying inside and did not like my job. I would be sitting at my desk doing the work I needed to and once I was done, I found myself writing stories, poems, recipes, researching my desired creative avenues, and applying to be on various TV shows. I knew my destiny in life is to create. While I have been involved in computer programming since I was 12 years old, I have taken my writing and performing adventures more seriously since I first started writing at age 15.

After I left my job out of school on my own terms (I am not one to burn bridges unless absolutely necessary), I was ready to make my own career instead of trying to fit a mold. I thought Uber and Lyft were the answer to "working on my own and making it big", but it turned into a failed business venture. I tried obtaining some freelance gigs in the meantime and had minimal luck (better than zero, but not enough to solely freelance). I sold a bunch of my belongings on the internet and have had luck reselling some stuff, but was not making enough to survive solely on that either. After 2.5 years of struggling (from February 2016 until July 2018), I decided to take the summer of 2018 off working completely in order to take a step back and truly find myself. I had a bunch of money saved up, which I spent all of it having fun and making some poor choices in between. My parents saw me as a "failure" because I wasn't going the traditional job route.

After a technical writing job blew up in my face in October 2018, thinking technical writing was ultimately what I wanted to do once I left my IT job, I still knew it was my destiny to create and make people happy. Sadly, in this capitalistic society, you need money, so I decided to get a job as a server and spend more time thinking what I really want to do. While I enjoy my server job and luckily have been working on finding balance to find time to work vs. create, I want to find the best way to maximize the skills I have and turn that into the most income possible. Some people take jobs just for the money, but I know when I do that, I get fired right away, which is a waste of everyone's time. Plus, getting fired sucks big time!

Success isn't a 9-5 job. Success is turning what you want to do into the greatest possible income. I want to be like the Bruno Mars song, "Millionaire" and "I want to be a millionaire so freaking bad". At restaurant land, I am maximizing my time there while learning valuable professional skills and making connections with other coworkers. Making connections is a more valuable experience than making money, even though money is nice and you need money to survive.

My next most valuable skill besides the knowledge of technology (which I still love and still want to write about) is writing. At this point, while working on turning my personal endeavors from writing and performing into a "full-time income" (ex. my blogs/websites, freelancing for other people, my youtube channel and various other creative content I write/sell/post on my own outlets, posting on other people's blogs and getting paid, writing my own books, etc.), writing for an income while turning my own thing into a career is what I want to do. It is possible to turn your dream into a reality. Don't give up or listen to other people's negative feedback. If you do what you want to do and follow your own set path, you will be happiest and live the most fruitful life. It is never too late either. You got this. It is time to create your own path!

Super "Du-ble" Ventures

When I arrived at work at 11:30am this morning for my "du-ble", my manager pulled me aside and asked me to take a party of 9 people. I was ready to make some money today! All was going according to plan until it was supposed to be break o'clock. It was 2pm...3pm...4pm... The next shift starts at 4pm and I usually get a 1-3 hour break in between shifts depending on the day. At 4pm, the young kitchen manager put in a large order of food for me and 3 others working doubles to be able to eat and chill for a bit before taking tables again. Not long after I started nomming (maybe about 5-10min), the floor manager asked me to take a table. I really wanted to say no because I wanted to finish eating and chill for a bit before having a long evening, but I reluctantly said ok. Little did I know, the night would pick up and I would barely have time to eat anything. I ate a piece of bacon wrapped shrimp, 4 big nachos, and a fajita, drank some water (and a sprite/apple juice mixture) and was back at it again for the rest of the night minus a 10min peemergency/"quick moment of me time" pitstop. Throughout the shift, I drank about a cup to a cup and a half worth of black coffee in 3 trips to keep me awake and perky... and not kersplode. Most of my tables were ok. I got asked to take a bunch of party tables again today and one of them, someone accidentally yoinked the chocolate pinata for my table and delivered it to their table, therefore forcing the kitchen to have to make another one and make my poor table wait another 10-15min, thus causing the manager to need to comp it (the guest gets it for free), thus I lose out on a tip for a 30 dollar item. One of my other party tables was salty that we ran out of Mexican rice at the end of the night on a holiday and gave me a "meh-riffic" tip (usually 15 percent). Other than that, both shifts ran pretty smoothly. I didn't make any mistakes or drop anything, most of my tables were pretty happy, a regular customer remembered me and I talked to her and her family for awhile, and I made decent money on both shifts, mostly thanks to other servers being nice and letting me take some extra tables/keep certain tables that were supposed to be mine and they wanted to sit elsewhere in another section, but I got to take the table anyway. At about 9pm, I stopped accepting new tables, but still had 2 outstanding tables to finish up before I could do any sidework I need to do before I can go home for the evening shift (fold napkins, clean silverware, make sure your section/tables are clean and reset, and certain other assigned chores). Since we were super understaffed today, I was assigned multiple chores. I'm usually able to complete my sidework throughout the shift, but was so busy/RIP from a long shift that I barely had time to do any of it. By 9:30pm, all of my tables had finally left. Thank goodness. Usually by that time, I'm long gone, especially after a double. I would then go to Dave and Busters to play Dance Dance Revolution, but not today. The restaurant closes at 10pm on Tuesdays, including holidays. By 10pm, everyone was super donezo from New Years Eve/working New Years Day and wanted to go home. By 10:30pm, I had done enough/had finished cleaning/resetting my section to where the person who was the latewait (the one who checks you off for your sidework before you go home for the night) told me to quietly go home/not tell antone without doing basically any of it and he'd take care of it. Happy New Years Day to me. Thanks for the get out of jail free pass today. At 10:40pm, I finished my checkout (tipping out/giving or receiving money from the bar) and I peaced the fuck out!

That was probably the craziest shift I've ever had at this job, but at least I have a job and did something productive today aka make money...

How did you spend your New Year?

Go the Fuck to Sleep

Go the fuck to sleep, Rebs!
It's 6am.
Why are you still awake?

"I can't sleep", says the mechanism in my brain churning constant creative thoughts...

Aimlessly scrolling through Facebook, I stumble upon the "Rezz" fan page.
I look through her page and find a motivational post about channeling positive energy into creating and envisioning success.

"What do I want to do with my life?" Says the mechanism in my brain wondering why I am where I am, being a waitress and an Uber driver, soul searching for my artistic dreams to come true...

I plowed through a newly downloaded music making program on my phone to figure out what kind of sound I want to project onto the universe.

In a world where people have to hide their true selves in order to fit in, those who wish to defy the unwritten laws of society end up ostracized like aliens from planet whoknowswhere;
They are left behind to flounder around until luck, opportunity, and dedication meet on the same street corner.

In my family, I was taught you were supposed to go to college, get a degree, work a mundane 9-5 job, go home, watch TV, go to bed, repeat.
I gave that life a shot with many embellishments attached and the only places it got me were fired or almost fired...
The only thing I have to show for college at this point is a certificate with my name on it and insurmountable debt.

Every time I try to give my soul to the man, a voice inside my head tells me, "no no no, what the the hell are you doing?"
Rezz indicated she's always been herself in order to climb to the top.

If the point of life is to be happy, why do so many people want to conform just to get by and feel miserable after?
Every time I am myself, I am satisfied and at my best.

I may need to take the unconventional route to success, but will still find it with many positive self affirmations and support from my friends!
Success doesn't have a time limit or a maximum age.

When I see people younger than me realizing their dreams, I have to keep telling myself everyone's path is different and each step forward is a baby step.

The path of the creator isn't for everyone, but if you want it, go for it! The choice is yours!

Go the fuck to sleep, Rebs!
It's 7am.
Why are you still awake?
I chose to follow the yellow brick road!
With time and patience, you may be pleasantly surprised where you end up!

Changes

Changes are the new beginnings...

C is for the climax.
When life is heating up with twists and turns
And you realize it's time to make a comeback
You pick yourself up by the horns and realize it's time for something new!
Welcome to the tippy top of the roller coaster's lift hill...

H is for healing.
You're about to shoot down the almost 90 degree drop and feel the adrenaline rush.
There's no turning back now.
To get better is to accept what's happening in the present moment and seek help if needed.
Please take care of yourself!
You are not on this ride alone.

A is for taking aim,

Controlling where the next shots are fired.

The air is what keeps you alive;

Don't forget to breathe!

N is for negating.

Not being negative, 

But eliminating wasted people or space from your life.

Sometimes, less is more,

But make sure your glass is half full at all times!

G is for goodbye.

Good game to the haters.

Good game to the ones who think you're too much.

And goodbye to those who don't care!

You are worthy sharing your adventures with those who genuinely want to join in on the fun.

Those people exist in the open spaces you thought were hidden.

The light is closer than you think!

E is for the end.

The end to this old pile of garbage

And hello to a new world and a new beginning. 

The starting over shall commence;

Time to embrace it!

March Onward

What did I do to deserve this life?
The answer is nothing...

No substance can mask the pain.
No exercise is helping any gains.
No beautiful day will help the sun stay.

Running away from home to find solace while spending my time alone,
I look to my windowless room for light only to see glow in the dark stars among the paint-chipped ceiling and rusty pipes shleided by neon lights and a colorful tapestry.

What is home?
It shouldn't be a tearful, bad vibe, or hostile space to receive 5 page-long text messages for lifeing instead of cleaning.

I try to clean the mess but the stains won't hide.

Walking inside I smell the foul air and feel the foul play I'm trying to keep at bay...

Outside of home I'm controlled by a green piece of paper that rules the world.
I want to save some for later but someone always seems to take the last slice.

The world shouldn't be limited to be seen from a screen hiding the true colors,
But if I barely have enough pieces of paper to fill my belly, how can I feed my eyes with the colors of the wind?
I'll paint it myself, of course!

But only this poem and these reflections can help me see light again!

What did I do to deserve this life?
The answer is nothing...
I'm just gonna march onward!

The Struggle is Real

Welcome to the 4am episode of Rebs's Rockin Rants! Because I can’t sleep!

The struggle is real... my slogan for quite some time now, especially as a young lady in her mid 20's wanting to be a full-time freelance gig master. As a full-time rideshare driver at 3am on a Friday night/Saturday morning, I should either be driving for Uber (or Lyft), sleeping, or going out. Instead, I feel like contributing to society by writing a story because I am way too physically and mentally exhausted to operate a car and don't want to hurt myself or others. If I could make money just sharing my stories or have this story turn into a million dollars, that would be awesome, but one can dream, right?

Right now, the job market is a pile of poop for me. For reference, I graduated from college a few years ago with a Web Development degree, got a job in my field, realized it wasn't for me, left my sinking ship job, and am trying to switch career paths to something writing-related. I have had tons of trouble getting a new job or many freelance gigs. It may be lack of experience, it may be because I am a very eccentric person and need a certain type of environment to belong into, who knows. Either way, I have been incessantly job hunting since September, 2015 and in between jobs since the end of January, 2016. It is now just about April, 2017 and am still standing strong with no "actual" job. I decided not to count how many interviews I've had (because it's a large number probably well over 30 by now) and every rejection or not call back I receive, I throw it away and keep going. 

A quote I've recently written for myself is, "shoot for the stars, even when you feel like you're falling". Right now, I surely feel like I'm falling. I often post Facebook statuses of all of the rejections I've received for failed attempts to land a job, followed by a "hello world, help me find a job" post. I refuse to give up. The struggle exists of not being able to find a job in any field. The struggle exists because I am in between jobs right now, even though it was my choice and I don't have any regrets. I took a risk and I am currently living in it. With the job market being no good, I've been willing to have countless interviews for roles outside of my field of college studies (ex brand marketing, content writer, technical writer); I sit in a room being bombarded with questions and pray I am able project my best self to these people while dressed to impress.

The struggle exists because I now run into occasions where I wonder how I'm going to be able to pay all my bills... and somehow pull it off every time. I even had to ask my parents for help a couple times in order to pay my rent and health insurance. Thankfully, they were able to help me. If I was in the opposite money situation, I'd help anyone in a heartbeat. I hope to be able to return the favor to my parents soon, and I am working my tail off to be able to do so!

Even if I'm struggling money-wise right now, I am lucky to have a roof over my head. I am lucky to have my health. I am lucky to live with 2 people who give a genuine crap about me who I love to pieces. I am lucky to live in Chicago. I could go on for awhile, but I am still wealthy; I may not be wealthy with green pieces of paper that only represent a number, but I am rich with life experiences and knowledge. I still make time to perform and have "somewhat" of a social life. I haven't totally tossed all my hobbies to the side, even though I have had to make plenty of sacrifices lately. If you don't sacrifice, you won't win! However, if you have a roof over your head and loved ones who love you back, you are currently winning at life. 

In order to succeed, all you need to do is be a good person and be you. Do your best. That's all you can do! Driving for Uber isn't too bad anyways because the customers are nice, mostly talk to me, and I get to interact with people instead of being alone! A lot of them tell me their life story and I feel that's interesting because I gain knowledge of what the world actually is and means. As much as I dislike driving, I would rather do that than have nothing at all and lose my independence. I refuse to give up until I have what I want, but I also need to live in the present! In order to continue my winning adventures, I will remain thankful for everything I have! In due time, I will find my golden ticket job! Live with no regrets, and you will continue to win the game!

There is a video for this too, which I self-recorded on my computer. Enjoy the video too :)

Video Link: CLICK HERE!!!

Alphabetic Story of my Life

A day in the life of me
Brings joy, adventures, misadventures, and newfound glory.
Craziness is also a factor;
Disasters happen… sometimes!

Everyday's a new day to succeed, but
Failure is also exists.
Gotta git gud, gotta go fast, gotta climb up the ladder.

Here I go! I’m ready!
I strive for every day to make it the best it can be,
Jumping over hurdles, joking around those I interact with.
Kicking ass and taking names is my middle name!
Losing is never an option!

My oh my, what a crazy life I have,
Never a wink of restful sleep,
Or offers of hands or shoulders to lean on, but opportunity will always be on my mind!
Priviledge doesn’t really exist for me, especially now.

Quests are embarked on,
Races are won,
Savages are met with serpents.

Today will be my day, which I constantly tell myself.
Universes will meet where I want and need them to.
Voracious for a win am I.
Winning is my first name!
Xylophone sounds will ring when I reach the top.
You will hear the sound of my name in lights!
Zero chance it won’t happen; one hundred percent chance it will!

Where is Success When You Can't See It? Life as a Twenty Something

Ranting, the verbal activity I seem to do the best at… but it sometimes annoys my friends, so I generally keep it to myself.

A common theme that comes up in my life is how to find yourself as a twenty something and function as an “independent” adult. Something you unfortunately need to do as an adult is pay bills. I left college with almost zero knowledge of money management, a skill I wish was taught in a remedial college course.

When I graduated from college, I thought I wanted to be a Web Developer, get a job, stay there forever, move up in the ladder, and go from there. Not so long after I started my job, I was certain I was a bit too free spirited for Corporate America and needed to be in a place where I’m able to create. I did everything in my power to keep the job alive, but my will caved and I decided to jump out the window, with my parachute in tact, thankfully knowing where the ground was. I knew I was going to get screwed over at my job and marked on my calendar the day I knew would be the end of the road. Leading up to that day, I did everything in my power to get a new job. With no luck, one of my dear friends I live with told me my car would pass an Uber inspection and criteria and should become a driver. As reluctant as I was to do so, I did my research, gave it a test run, and felt decent. A few days before my “doomsday”, I knew being a driver and a free bird were in my fate, and handed my manager a 2 weeks notice letter.

Fast forward 8 months of being an Uber Driver and I am officially ready to throw stones and look for something else. The first thing is I feel like is slavery still exists. I don’t mean the stuff you saw 100 years ago; it’s more under the table. People are so damn greedy; the head honchos only want money and productivity. If you’re not wringing everything out of yourself and not making enough money, you’re not doing well enough, was a major theme of my last job, and even ridesharing. For starters, I have to pay for my own gas and repairs, as well as they take 25% of my fares right off the bat as a “commission” to them for using their service. Lately, I’ve had days where I’ve made as little as $7.50 per hour, which is less than the legal Chicago minimum wage. Thankfully, that’s pretty rare, but I’d drive overnight, drive myself into not sleeping, drive myself into depression and isolation, and drive my knees and energy down the toilet. I’d be out as many as 29 hours at a time, just to make sure I “make it” to my next bill payment and have a little extra for groceries. I have to wear a knee brace while driving because with my car, you have to push harder on the gas pedal; lately, my other knee has been starting to give me trouble too. I have barely been able to see my friends lately, including the ones I live with (it’s been a bit more under control now though). Those I am close with, I would bombard them with texts of how tired I was, how shitty I felt, or some sort of stress or anxiety-related thing was bothering me. Thanks for bearing with me, guys! I’ve had to decrease my attendance at open mic nites, karate classes, my “nerd” group called, “Belegarth”, everything, just to pay my bills and get by. I even created an “emergency fund” when I knew I was forsure going to leave my job, which I recently exhausted all of it.

But here I am. I am still willing to search for a better opportunity for myself, still willing to drive and do what it takes to make money (and still paying all my bills on time), and I am even here today. For that, I am successful!

Finding Your Rainbow Road

Sometimes, I feel like I run away from my problems instead of treating it like the boss level of a video game. Other times, I feel like making a “Grand Theft Auto” type getaway is quite necessary.

Right now, I’m at a point in my life where I want to figure out who and what to keep as integral components. It seems like a lot of people “be getting married and having kids and settling down and having a dog and a 9 to 5 job and playing family” and within the past year, I left a serious relationship, quit my corporate desk job, and find valid, but fake excuses to bail out of family events. I am, however, very lucky to have a chosen family!

A lot of people around me, including my twin sister, are all starting to couple up. I on the other hand have decided to focus on myself. While I am about to go get my second chance at a proper trip to Cedar Point in the next few days, the last time wasn’t so unicorn and rainbow filled. When me and “Voldemort” were about to go to Cedar Point, I was elated to finally live one of my childhood dreams; I also was on the verge of dumping his ass. Long story short, he was a very manipulative, unhappy person who enjoyed picking trivial arguments with me and not returning the favor in bed. We were only in Ohio for 2 days, but at least I had made sure to save a batch of my “special extra chocolate brownies” for the trip. The trip started with a, “hey, so you’re driving the entire way there” right as we were about to leave. We stopped at a Dunkin Donuts to get coffee and noms for the road and I began munching on my special brownies behind his back. I made sure to also eat some every rest stop we took and every time he left the room or turned his back. By the time he was ready to head back to Chicago, there was still another hour or so left before park closed, which I wanted to capitalize on. The more he upset me throughout the trip, the more I continued to keep contact with my “peanut gallery” in order for me to talk myself into breaking up with him. For the record, I had never broken up with someone on my own where it hasn’t been a mutual breakup before. He was being a jerk and decided to stay in the car while I walked around the parking lot for about 20-30 minutes, played a quick round of Dance Dance Revolution, went to the bathroom, and made a mad dash back to Millennium Force (a record-holding coaster with a steep and high drop). Unfortunately, the ride broke down several times while I was in line and I ended up waiting an hour and 45 minutes. During that time, I received several angry texts from him, most of which I ignored. After his display of waiting by the exit with disdain and refusing to talk to me for the car ride, I fell asleep in the car, woke up, got back into my apartment, and broke up with him that night. About 36 hours later, I ended up back at his apartment, grabbed my stuff, and “ghosted him” (stopped replying to him).

Not only do I need to be treated well by people I let into my life closely, but I also need to be treated well by my career path. When choosing to be a web developer, I was always a bit skeptical about staying in the IT field. As soon as I walked into my nice shiny job out of college, I was aboard the SS Sinking Ship, set to un-anchor itself at an undefined timeline. I’ve always been a high achiever and have experienced my fair share of failure, but never to this extent. When I was in school and had difficulty in a given class subject, I’d go to the professor and receive adequate assistance. I thought when at work and you experienced difficulty in a particular subject, you were supposed to ask your manager. However, asking the manager questions meant the project getting reassigned to a “cheap Indian laborer” contractor. After a few of these incidents, I began reaching out to others on my team, as well as networking a bit further. As soon as everyone was too busy to help me since I was unable to figure out how to complete the assignments on my own, I displayed a facade of productivity and success while internally, I knew I wasn’t contributing much of anything except for spreadsheets and install meetings. As soon as those weren’t good enough for my manager, my motivation went down the toilet and I felt the urgency of, “I need a new job and need to get out of here”. I ended up finding a new role, but within the same company; I did need to sneak through a few corners in order to attain the position, but it worked out and off I was to a building further south into the city. Minus the displeased manager and task reassignment, my new team wasn’t much different. I was still very unmotivated and felt the “I need to get out of here” urges. I ended up vanishing to go for many “walks” and there were a few times I went grocery shopping during work hours. My success facade walls were beginning to be broken down. A few months later, it was almost time for reviews. From midyear review to final review, I hadn’t completed a single significant task, including an assignment spanning across 8 months that lulled due to my coding program crashing beyond repair. I ended up deciding to put my technology “career” behind me and basically ghosted out of my job to everyone besides my manager and HR. Now, I’m significantly happier, am driving for Uber, performing a lot more frequently, and trying to figure out what I want to do with the rest of my life. I have not been treated poorly by any customers yet either.

Hardships are definitely difficult to face. Even though these experiences were necessary for wisdom’s sake, sometimes, you need to play ghost and do you in order to find true happiness!

Programming Career Misadventures

As a young twenty something millennial, when you're around this age, it's the perfect time to go soul searching, especially for what you want to do the rest of your life. Some people have their big break sooner than others, but you want to do everything you can to make it your time as well. It's not an easy road to get to the top, and I am not quite there yet. I thought I knew what I wanted to do from an early age, but when I got into my field, I confirmed with myself my heart is somewhere else. I'm not going to give up and want to share my story of how I at least got to where I am now so others can feel like they aren't alone in this. Enjoy!

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Wouldn’t it be nice to be able to be happy all the time hand have everyone else around you feel the same? But how do you get yourself into the proper environment away from drama, especially one conducive for following your dream and being able to go soul searching?

For much of my life, I thought I wanted to be a web developer, sit in a desk, and live the life in my safe cushion job. Little did I know, when I entered the workforce, this environment would be much different than I expected, for worse.

When I was about 12 years old, my twin sister and I had created our first website under the direction of our childhood friend, Kyle because him and his older brother taught themselves how to code and became experts. Kyle and Ryan would show my sister and me their newest creations, but wouldn’t exactly explain what they did. Thus, my sister and I went to the library to check out some books on web development and Photoshop. Unfortunately, I felt the progress with understanding the coding was slow and passions lied elsewhere at the time. I was still curious, but not enough to be super serious about it; something felt like it was missing in terms of my passion for programming. Down the road, Kyle helped us create 3 websites, which we basically only know how to make small tweaks and add content. When high school came around, I had wanted to try taking a programming class. Since my math scores were high, it was recommended for me to register for the advanced level. That was a complete mistake; I ended up only passing the class with lots and lots of help from a tutor and having a friend who gave me the answers to the number of assignments I fell behind on and wouldn’t have been able to complete otherwise. After that, I adopted the mindset of “this stinks, let’s see if I do any better in college and wait to take classes then”. That of course also ended up being a horrible idea, but I triumphed anyway.

I ended up studying Web Development (with a business minor) at Illinois State University. When it came for my first programming course, bad luck struck me once again. Programming was much different than I expected it to be and something still felt like it was missing. Not only was my passion not glowing, but my grade in the class went down the toilet due to handwritten coding exams being an awful experience for me, as well as not fully understanding the material. Thanks to my resilience, I took the class again instead of dropping the major, but requested to take it with another professor and earned an A. I had a similar, but worse issue with my first actual web development class, but was stuck taking the class with the same professor and barely passed the second time. Despite the evilness of handwritten programming exams, my overall grade point average was pretty high for the department and enough to be eligible for all scholarships and internships/jobs. I was still excelling in the department nonetheless. I earned several scholarships, eventually ran the club, raised money to send myself and 3 others to a national conference almost singlehandedly, setup a career fair, worked as a TA for one of the professors, did the research symposium and mobile application development contests, and I was basically the face of the IT department my senior year. I was having a lot of success, but the thought of web development being my niche still sat funny with me. I still loved programming, but other hobbies of mine give me more of a spark and enjoyment.

With the job market being rough, I had a goal of landing a (corporate) job before graduation; I achieved that goal about 3 weeks prior to graduating. When I walked into the door at my first big girl job on day 1, everything started as feeling like unicorns and rainbows. I felt successful, on top of the world, and like a champion. A few short months later, after a lot of post-graduation depression, personal issues, and difficulty getting myself up to speed with my workload, the rainbows rapidly faded as I did everything to avoid being jaded. More time elapses at my job and I needed a change in scenery, which later led me to doing an internal transfer to a different team with a more compatible manager. It didn’t take long for the rainbows to fade again. I began realizing how badly I was failing at my job and have been taking action to find and create a positive change for myself. I also became aware that the cubicle life is not my dream either.

Resilience has been my best friend for as long as I can remember. The farther I fall in my career in IT, the more accepting I am of failure. But why would I accept failure? I didn’t lose everything, nor have I lost this fight because I am still going. I haven’t totally fallen on my face, but with failure, I have realized and confirmed with myself that web development isn’t my calling. Failure means to learn a lesson from lack of success and continue to move forward. I may not be following my dreams from sitting in a desk, but sitting in a desk temporarily enables me to have the means to reach my dreams. Dreams exist, and are real, reasonable, advanced thoughts of the desire for achievement which humans heavily crave. Then how the heck am I going to follow my dreams? For now, here I am, standing before you, putting myself out there, and telling you my stories of the craziness that is my life. The more I plug away at that and keep resilience in my heart pocket, I will in due time find the key to unlock my treasure chest and pay it forward in honor of all of those who helped me reach the top with a smile. That’s the true meaning of success!