How to Better Yourself and Survive in a Toxic Living Environment

Living at home instead of in freedom...

It had been about 4 years since any evident return to the nest. I know this topic has been brought up on this blog and through my expressions years ago, but here we are once again... living at home... *cough* I mean hellhole land.

How did I get here? AGAIN? The last couple of times this happened, I had an immediate escape route (a place to go to avoid being at the nest or an immediate plan to move out because I had a nice shiny job), but now, after October, 2018, my escape route has escaped...

Last night, I went to bed at about 3am after a lovely day of productivity and not having to work. I was notified of an additional snow day at work and decided to stay up later indulging in video games.

My sister and me were fast asleep and at about 8am, we were woken up by the sound of my mom yelling/freaking out over where the TV remote was. We couldn't fall back asleep for another 2 hours and have been running on fumes all day. The first thing I wanted was a cup of coffee with a side of some vices. I want to be able to feel good physically and mentally in order to continue embarking on my path to success and being "here" isn't going to make me feel good. It is not worth "saving money" just to be in a negative environment. I am in the process of cutting my expenses on vices and using what I would spend on vices to cover a security deposit and a few month's rent somewhere.

It isn't just being woken up to screaming that's the problem.

I am not in the best shape of my life, but have dropped almost 15 pounds in the last month or so. Here I am celebrating an accomplishment, but I go to eat yesterday while my mom is also on a snow day and sitting in the kitchen, I grab "whatever I feel like eating" and receive negative feedback (ex., "why are you eating that?") about basically just eating in general because "apparently everything I put in my mouth is going to make me gain weight" while my mom is projecting her poor body image onto me just because my weight issues are a bit more blatant. Even my uncle didn't accept my body image when I was at a happy weight because he isn't happy with himself and wants to project that onto me, a vulnerable target. At least I am healthy enough to run for 15 minutes without stopping and pass songs on Dance Dance Revolution that I haven't passed since I gained the weight back again (before I started getting in shape again).

I keep telling myself how well I am doing and how I am accomplishing a bunch of small goals. It's always good to look at the bright side of things NO MATTER WHAT. Right now, I may not have a shiny job, but at least I have a job that's making me feel adequate and I can go there smiling every day. I am smiling because I am free and in my own world. I can make connections and be myself without negative feedback. My parents want me to have some stability and have a healthier financial life, but it seems like the only things my mom likes to talk about are complaints, money, and negative feedback in the form of, "I just want the best for you". My job isn't good enough to be accepted, but at least I am healthy enough to work. At this point last year, I couldn't even hold onto a job for very long because my mental health was bothering me too much. Both my parents fight all the time and after almost 33 years of marriage, I wonder why they are still married. My mom wants to be safe and my dad is whipped by her. He feels negative because he doesn't have the best job and projects that onto my mom, which is more negative energy projected onto the entire house.

How can one be successful in a negative environment?

Honestly, the best way to thrive in a negative environment is to get the hell out of there as much as possible whether it be working (at work), going to a coffee shop to go opportunity hunting, going to networking events to meet more positive people, and exercising/being involved in hobbies. Of course, the other thing to do is focus on what you can do now to make your future more fruitful. My biggest goal is to be free again and get my own place. For me, if I want to be a viral blogger and youtuber, I have to produce my own content frequently in order to get there instead of giving all my time to "the man" and to "everyone else". I don't need to be like everyone else in order to be accepted, because as long as I accept myself and keep smiling in places where I am safe and free, all will continue to move forward as expected.

2019 is my year. 2019 I will be out of this place for good and onto the path to realizing my dreams! I can do it. Besides for living in this place, everything else in 2019 has been solid. By this point last year, my year was up in flames. If I can keep smiling with this hellhole in my shadows, you can too!

Happy end of January and snow day (again), everyone!

When Dreams are More than Dreams

What do you want to do when you grow up? Do you want to be an everybody, or do you want to be extraordinary?

While graduating from college with a computer science degree, I thought for the longest time I wanted to be a computer programmer. My parents were blown away when I got a job out of school making bank. They thought I was "super successful", even though I was dying inside and did not like my job. I would be sitting at my desk doing the work I needed to and once I was done, I found myself writing stories, poems, recipes, researching my desired creative avenues, and applying to be on various TV shows. I knew my destiny in life is to create. While I have been involved in computer programming since I was 12 years old, I have taken my writing and performing adventures more seriously since I first started writing at age 15.

After I left my job out of school on my own terms (I am not one to burn bridges unless absolutely necessary), I was ready to make my own career instead of trying to fit a mold. I thought Uber and Lyft were the answer to "working on my own and making it big", but it turned into a failed business venture. I tried obtaining some freelance gigs in the meantime and had minimal luck (better than zero, but not enough to solely freelance). I sold a bunch of my belongings on the internet and have had luck reselling some stuff, but was not making enough to survive solely on that either. After 2.5 years of struggling (from February 2016 until July 2018), I decided to take the summer of 2018 off working completely in order to take a step back and truly find myself. I had a bunch of money saved up, which I spent all of it having fun and making some poor choices in between. My parents saw me as a "failure" because I wasn't going the traditional job route.

After a technical writing job blew up in my face in October 2018, thinking technical writing was ultimately what I wanted to do once I left my IT job, I still knew it was my destiny to create and make people happy. Sadly, in this capitalistic society, you need money, so I decided to get a job as a server and spend more time thinking what I really want to do. While I enjoy my server job and luckily have been working on finding balance to find time to work vs. create, I want to find the best way to maximize the skills I have and turn that into the most income possible. Some people take jobs just for the money, but I know when I do that, I get fired right away, which is a waste of everyone's time. Plus, getting fired sucks big time!

Success isn't a 9-5 job. Success is turning what you want to do into the greatest possible income. I want to be like the Bruno Mars song, "Millionaire" and "I want to be a millionaire so freaking bad". At restaurant land, I am maximizing my time there while learning valuable professional skills and making connections with other coworkers. Making connections is a more valuable experience than making money, even though money is nice and you need money to survive.

My next most valuable skill besides the knowledge of technology (which I still love and still want to write about) is writing. At this point, while working on turning my personal endeavors from writing and performing into a "full-time income" (ex. my blogs/websites, freelancing for other people, my youtube channel and various other creative content I write/sell/post on my own outlets, posting on other people's blogs and getting paid, writing my own books, etc.), writing for an income while turning my own thing into a career is what I want to do. It is possible to turn your dream into a reality. Don't give up or listen to other people's negative feedback. If you do what you want to do and follow your own set path, you will be happiest and live the most fruitful life. It is never too late either. You got this. It is time to create your own path!

Where is Success When You Can't See It? Life as a Twenty Something

Ranting, the verbal activity I seem to do the best at… but it sometimes annoys my friends, so I generally keep it to myself.

A common theme that comes up in my life is how to find yourself as a twenty something and function as an “independent” adult. Something you unfortunately need to do as an adult is pay bills. I left college with almost zero knowledge of money management, a skill I wish was taught in a remedial college course.

When I graduated from college, I thought I wanted to be a Web Developer, get a job, stay there forever, move up in the ladder, and go from there. Not so long after I started my job, I was certain I was a bit too free spirited for Corporate America and needed to be in a place where I’m able to create. I did everything in my power to keep the job alive, but my will caved and I decided to jump out the window, with my parachute in tact, thankfully knowing where the ground was. I knew I was going to get screwed over at my job and marked on my calendar the day I knew would be the end of the road. Leading up to that day, I did everything in my power to get a new job. With no luck, one of my dear friends I live with told me my car would pass an Uber inspection and criteria and should become a driver. As reluctant as I was to do so, I did my research, gave it a test run, and felt decent. A few days before my “doomsday”, I knew being a driver and a free bird were in my fate, and handed my manager a 2 weeks notice letter.

Fast forward 8 months of being an Uber Driver and I am officially ready to throw stones and look for something else. The first thing is I feel like is slavery still exists. I don’t mean the stuff you saw 100 years ago; it’s more under the table. People are so damn greedy; the head honchos only want money and productivity. If you’re not wringing everything out of yourself and not making enough money, you’re not doing well enough, was a major theme of my last job, and even ridesharing. For starters, I have to pay for my own gas and repairs, as well as they take 25% of my fares right off the bat as a “commission” to them for using their service. Lately, I’ve had days where I’ve made as little as $7.50 per hour, which is less than the legal Chicago minimum wage. Thankfully, that’s pretty rare, but I’d drive overnight, drive myself into not sleeping, drive myself into depression and isolation, and drive my knees and energy down the toilet. I’d be out as many as 29 hours at a time, just to make sure I “make it” to my next bill payment and have a little extra for groceries. I have to wear a knee brace while driving because with my car, you have to push harder on the gas pedal; lately, my other knee has been starting to give me trouble too. I have barely been able to see my friends lately, including the ones I live with (it’s been a bit more under control now though). Those I am close with, I would bombard them with texts of how tired I was, how shitty I felt, or some sort of stress or anxiety-related thing was bothering me. Thanks for bearing with me, guys! I’ve had to decrease my attendance at open mic nites, karate classes, my “nerd” group called, “Belegarth”, everything, just to pay my bills and get by. I even created an “emergency fund” when I knew I was forsure going to leave my job, which I recently exhausted all of it.

But here I am. I am still willing to search for a better opportunity for myself, still willing to drive and do what it takes to make money (and still paying all my bills on time), and I am even here today. For that, I am successful!

Emergence as a Woman - Being the Only Girl

I've been the only girl in several classes or groups and have decided to share my experiences to inspire women to follow their hearts even in male-dominatd endeavors. Enjoy!

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I’ve been there several times before, especially in my late teens and twenties, but how would you feel if you walked into a classroom or activity and you were the only girl (or close)? In a world where women end up being the minority, underrepresented, or the less recognized demographic (well, if you fully identify as a female like I do), it is more common to see more men than women in most places at one time. Places such as the business world, IT, engineering, math, science, the military, football, etc., are comprised of significantly more males. Would that discourage you to do the activity if you were the only female (or male, if that happened)?

I don’t want to let being a female in a male-dominated world discourage me from following my dreams or pursuing hobbies or endeavors I’m interested in just because I’m going to be the only girl. It was a little nerve-wracking at first, not going to lie, but giving it a chance was one of the best decisions I’ve ever made. Currently or in the recent past, I have been in a significant (more than 80-90% male-female ratio) minority at work, the IT department at school, karate, and my swordfighting group, Belegarth (especially for combatants like myself). I also am an avid Super Smash Brothers player, Dance Dance Revolution player, metalhead, and giant nerd. I haven’t seen any super talented female Smash or DDR players (especially on Youtube), and most of the metal music concerts I’ve attended had more men than women.

For me, I see gender as still being another person with a different set of hormones, private parts, and fashion styles. From my experiences, being the only girl has led me to being accepted, blending into the environment, and being the same part of the class as a man is. Getting hit on sometimes happens too. No one really sees me as different just because I have long hair and like makeup. No one really treats me different either. Well, maybe I’ll get a phone number or two depending on the age range of whoever I’m around. Regardless, I am still seen as another person in the group or class. 

In most cases, I am given the same responsibilities and participate in the same activities as men. I am not ignored in my classes, and sometimes even given a little extra attention to keep me motivated. It may feel a little weird, but after having experienced this so many times, I’m just like “oh... well ok”, and go on with my life. I’m thankful to not be segregated against for being a woman and told to go to the “girl’s only club”, which likely wouldn’t exist. Another thing I am most blessed about is despite my history of being bullied, I do not get picked on or seen as less (intelligent) than men. The only difference I’ve seen in treatment is that in contact sports, men will be respectful of lack of size and be extra polite (in general) out of chivalry’s sake. They won’t go easy on you, but won’t pound you into the ground either, especially if you’re a small person like me. In certain athletic competitions, you may get separated for your gender, but that’s normal. I would not want to spar against a man whose 6’6 and 300 pounds where I’m 5’2 and less than half of their weight… no thank you, I would not like to get hurt! I value my safety, and I’m sure you do too!

Probably the only place I’ve encountered any difficulty is in a very conservative (corporate) workplace. It may be more difficult to emerge as a woman, especially in technology, but thankfully there are women empowerment groups all over the place (inside and outside of work) to join, as well as several worldwide movements to jump on the bandwagon for. Finding a mentor always helps too (or someone to guide you). I have participated and volunteered in several women empowerment activities and I believe they help foster connections among other women; in some of these, I’ve held a mentorship or leadership role and it makes me feel like I’m able to make a difference and inspire other women to be proud to enjoy and flaunt their passions and true selves, as well as finding their greatest potentials. Who cares if you’re going to be the only girl down the road? You have a plethora of support from all over the place! Also, in the IT department in college during my senior year, I was the president of the club. When I was in the department, the director told me there were 91% males, yet I was still the face of the department. No one was like, “oh, you’re a girl”. I was very well respected and able to spread my wings without a problem, while making a difference and showing the world that women can represent themselves and be a powerful driving force in technology (or any other STEM field for that matter).

The main reason I want to discuss this is to encourage women (or those who identify as female) to not feel discouraged by their gender if they find themselves liking things “only men” should like. That would be called a stereotype. It would be like saying boys can’t like playing with dolls or girls can’t like playing with cars. Who cares if it’s a patriarchy! I am proud to be a woman and I don’t care if not many other women share the same interests as me, because they are my interests. Hopefully, women will be more inclined to show their faces in male-dominated activities, but for now, screw stereotypes and “trying to fit in”. No one has to hide just for having interests different than the norm. I like making websites. I like video games. I like contact sports and martial arts. I will continue to have the strength to be my badass self and do me! I hope other women can be aware it’s ok to be the only girl. You are not and will never be alone! There are plenty of other only girls out there. Just be you! That’s the best way to do it!

Resilience of the Sword

Another set of lyrics are up and ready to go (finally). This one is basically about if you want to change the world, you need to get up and do something. Enjoy the loveliness! Dreams ARE real!

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Welcome to a world that keeps you hungry
Dashing here and there chasing after your dreams
You keep on searching
For the path leading to the gold

Be bold and daring to conduct some experiments
Living for experience
Avoiding being delirious
Looking for the food to fill your muses
Be sure to avoid blowing up the fuses

Who are you?
Do you want to change the world, or set it on fire, or sit and not do a damn thing?
You watch others win the race
And see yourself as a disgrace
Don't let them bring you down!

But make sure to get off your ass
While not roaming with sass
Now get the fuck up and go!

Follow your dreams
You've probably heard that phrase about a million times
But as cheesy as it sounds
You know what you ought to do
Go get it!
Go get it!

If you're stuck in the grind or shuttered to the mundane and the shrine seems like it's light years away,
It's your job to not cry, or run awry and make sure you try.
Now look at the ocean,
And keep your head in motion
To realize how much you're able to pull the sword from the stone...

Welcome to a universe that never stops moving,
Never sleeps,
Never quits,
And even rarely disconnects
If you take a step back you may feel as if you missed everything...

If you feel as if you're absent
Time melts itself away,
But if you try to stay present
You don't want to end up in the desert

If you're doing something you don't want to do,
Don't give up,
Don't give up!

If the only thing in your vision is a big fat endless loop,
Go destroy it,
Go destroy it!

Stay resilient and confident!
You can do it!
Don’t you stop now!
So keep fighting!

Follow your dreams
You've probably heard that phrase about a million times
But as cheesy as it sounds
You know what you ought to do
Go get it!
Go get it!

If you're stuck in the grind or shuttered to the mundane and the shrine seems like it's light years away,
It's your job to not cry, or run awry and make sure you try.
Now look at the ocean,
And keep your head in motion
To realize how much you're able to pull the sword from the stone...

Now look at the ocean,
And keep your head in motion
To realize how much you're able to pull the sword from the stone...

Go push on through the whirlwind, and don’t get bit by the serpent,
But as long as you keep on trudging through the mud
Know that destiny shall let you win
And you’ll get the sword in the stone!

Dreams are for Humans not Horses

Walking down the illuminated city streets
With a tasty teriyaki beef stick in one hand and phone in the other,
A lovely lady in a bubble shield shall blockade the grind’s tirade…

Work hard, play harder, knock ‘em dead, survive to thrive…

The following words are ones to live by in order to pry the barrier between being a somebody vs being an everybody in the crowded farm…

Do you want to rise to the top?
Do you want to know what it’s like to be the one sitting on the throne shared with Donald Trump, or Marissa Mayer, or anyone who’s plowed and teethed their way through every battle to be able to wear the crown?

Success isn’t for everyone… it’s for those with the desire to aim beyond the stars,
The drive to rocket to the moon and back with the willingness to fall in the mud,
And even soar past Pluto,
While saying hi to the Disney Dog as he rubs his comedic attitude onto you…

Work ethic means to mold to being a human, resilience and reason,
Not being a work horse on autopilot…

We all possess the desires to live the story book life,
But if you want your story to be more than a fantasy,
You have to eat, drink, breathe, sleep, live for the dreams
In order for them to come alive!

It’s one thing to “say” you want it
It’s another to “act” upon your goals
If you dream it, do it!
That’s all there is to it!

The Quest

Growing up and turning into an "adult" is one of the most difficult transitions you will ever have in your life. You have to accept full responsibility for everything and have to learn how to do everything on your own. It's rough, but as long as you see your goal at the end and do what you can to advance towards that goal, you will win in life! It is also a liberation that everyone needs when their time is right! It is daunting, but doable as long as you don't give up! Enjoy!

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Time to set yourself free

Isn't that what you've been waiting for your entire life?

Reaching freedom is a lengthy journey in itself

But it's something you need to find out for yourself!

Exploring the trenches is the only way to find the buried treasure

There's no use in sheltering yourself!

Why have a costume and a scripted personality attached to your conscience

Controlling your every move

Instead of cruising along through the central core

Where your soul is attached to your heart

And mends prior damage

Restoring you to full mental capacity

Enabling you to possess the strength of wisdom

And the power of courage...

Growing up isn't all about paying bills

It's about liberation

Adulthood isn't only about responsibilities being shoved down your throat

It's about learning, experimenting, and experiences

Life isn't about time flying faster than the blink of an eye

Messing up doesn't mean you're going to die

Moving up doesn't mean possessing a childish arrogance to stand higher than the sky…

All the clichés such as, "live life to the fullest" and "live, laugh, love"

Are just our simple rules on how to thrive

But we humans like to over complicate everything…

What you need to do to accomplish life's greatest goal

Is to find the buried treasure

All while learning how to achieve nirvana…

Society thinks that success is only defined by the following three things

Money…

Materials…

And madness…

Life doesn't have a formula to succeed besides for seeing secrets slowly…

To rush life would crush the youth out of your curiosity

The equation is yours to produce…

The mission of the quest is to search for answers to better ourselves

Rationalize the overwhelming

And follow life's warming aura…

There is no set time it takes to finish the quest

Take it at your own pace

It's your mission

Your life

Your game…

Never give up

Keep on climbing

Your peak will be reached

Even after trembling through quicksand…

The key exists…

Believe in the quest

Melt your heart into the quest

Live the quest

And your dream will successfully be fulfilled!