Reality's Dreams

Hallucinations
Are when reality meets
Fictional events

Imagination
Can be real if you turn it
To living actions

Dreams as real as stars
Exist because thoughts manifest
Into reality

#livingathomechronicles

I am not the person I once was. The past is over now. I am who I am today... #livingathomechronicles

My dreams are different than what you want, but I am secretly building an empire I've never told you about #livingathomechonicles

My success is dressed in rainbows. You're just colorblind. I'm not rebelling. I'm comfortable being myself #livingathomechronicles

I don't need your help. I'm quietly seeking my chosen path of therapy and healing... #livingathomechronicles

No, I don't need to be force fed how to live according to your standards. I need to learn how to fly and sometimes crash into walls to learn my lesson... #livingathomechronicles

Broken Record

I feel like my friends are tired of me telling them the same story over and over again...

It is past 4am
And I'm scrolling through my messages wondering who my next victim will be to hear about how I found another way to screw myself over.
I don't want to bother anyone,
But my instincts tell me to message someone before I shove more artificialness through my mouth because I haven't been to therapy in 2 weeks...

It would be nice if someone could hold my hand and tell me everything would be ok, but I've held my own hand the last 4+ years.
While I don't regret it, I need to open the door instead of letting myself continue to drown...

"I'm a strong independent woman!"
I continue to chant that to myself as I try not to let myself cry.
The magicness is right next to me, but it's locked in the safe and I shouldn't go grab the key...

"I'm a strong independent woman!"
I continue to tell myself that while pushing unnecessary societal and familial pressures aside to keep myself afloat.
I am one to march to my own irrythymic heartbeat at my own pace and shall continue on my way to the golden roads!

"I'm a strong independent woman!"
I scream that to myself in the mirror as I look at my bare body, realize what I've done to it, and vow to be better.

I'm not a broken record.
You cannot shatter me as easy as glass breaks.
I may sound a little off, but I still am able to function.

I'm sorry the songs have some minor keys, but I'm not sorry for being me!
I'm not sorry for being free!
And I'm definitely not sorry for being different.

I have already walked away from the ridicule for it to follow me back to what is supposed to be home.

If I am a strong independent woman as I say, it is time to lay the layers, brick by brick, and pave my own golden roads!

Review of Sugar Factory Rosemont

***Each category is out of 1 and is rounded to the nearest .1***

Cleanliness: 1 - The place looked pretty clean. Most of the tables were bussed. The place where my friend and me sat (at the bar top) was clean (thank the lord, I’ve been eating at so many dirty tables lately…)

Service: 1 - Jaz, the bartender, rocked! She was prompt and our drinks didn’t take forever!

Ambience: 1 - I liked the music and I can still talk to my friend without totally screaming.

Taste of Food/Drink: 1 - We split a fishbowl drink and I then had a martini. The drink looked appealing to the eye and tasted like a perfect balance of sweet and strong. The candy added a nice touch as well. The cotton candy went first! The martini was also pretty appealing and it tasted delicious. I was pretty full at that point, but I was still able to happily down it and enjoy it. The drink size was appropriate and the quality/aesthetic was pretty high.

Was it worth my money?: .5 - It’s a little pricey, but it is Rosemont (upscale Chicago suburb)… It was worth it and all, but I wouldn’t want to go there too frequently because I would drop way too much money because everything is so tasty! I’m sure it’s expensive because of all the bells and whistles for the drinks too, but it isn’t too too bad.

Overall: 4.5/5

Prey Meets Rock

I feel like prey,
The clay that gets destroyed when the fire is so strong it's ineffective.
When the blood of the covenant is not thicker than the water of the womb I wonder why and want to cry... And then run away...
To the abyss where it feels like I keep taking shots and I miss...
The shots hit the rim and bounce right out every time...

I need to be a rock...
Immovable and hard to destroy...
Because I won't be your toy
As you are a leech and shall let your grasp finally elude me...

Goodbye to you.
You are not my family.
You have sucked every ounce of blood out of me, but I am still conscious.
I will be my own rock
And squash whoever tries to break me!
I have learned from my mistakes while the stakes were high,
And now I will make the successful shot I need...
Right in the net!

Long Lived the Magic Vape Pen

I want to wake up and taste the rainbow
But today, the rainbow tastes like grey...

10am...
When I get out of bed, the clutter next to me shines into my near sighted vision as I roll to my left and immediately reach for my magic vape pen.
10 hits later I'm ready to begin my adventures...
I meander down the stairs of my childhood home wondering what the hell I'm still doing here and create some tastiness.

12pm... 
My indecisive mind that never stops churning takes me to my laptop sitting in my bed to attempt to do some work.
10 more hits of the magic vape pen later I'm ready for bed...

3pm...
I wonder why the fuck I'm still in bed and realize my endless to do list is incomplete and I scramble to do shit...
10 more hits of the magic vape pen later I grab my phone and start texting people the same cycle on repeat to wonder how some of these people haven't used an escape rope...
1 more hit of the magic vape pen later I've realized half my pen is gone in a day and text my friend that I need to put the pen down...

4pm...
I still have to do the everything and frantically jump in the shower...

5:30pm...
3 hits of the magic vape pen later I should probably put the pen down so I don't require more slumber and run to the gas station for some awakeness...
I end up meeting some friends at Dave and Busters and go to the bathroom to "change" and secretly take 5 more hits of my magic vape pen before playing multiple games of dance dance revolution...
My friend who works at the arcade wonders if I'm ok and tells me I look like I'm out of it.
I tell him what's up and he finally convinces me to stop craving magic and start craving natural beauty...

11pm...
My legs are jello and I can't move... I waited until no one would notice me to go back to where I shouldn't be going, but need my own escape rope.
It's buried somewhere... Likely right in front of me...
But in the meantime, long lived the magic vape pen...
If I stop investing in magic and start investing in nature, the wind will carry me to where the treasure is buried and I'll live happily ever after... Sort of...

For now, at least I know the rainbow tastes like candy and I don't need magic to survive!

Now, time to go the fuck to sleep!

Can I Have Some Sour Cream With That?

My first attempt at trying to write some more comedic/stand-up related content. Having a poetry/storytelling background, and googling how to write a punchline were definitely helpful in this endeavour!



“Can I have some more sour cream with that?”


Being a server
An adventure embarked on while trying to figure out which road to take combined with a love of people and food,
Even the most quirky of people can survive.
Running trays, bussing tables, and picking up after people can sometimes be a pain,
But the love for making people’s day takes all!


I walk into work smiling every day
Even when my family gives me a hard time right before starting my shift.
My coworkers ask me, “how are you so happy all the time?”
And my answer is, “laughing is my anti drug and talking to people is my sanity!”


This one time, when I first started the current job I have, I had the worst table of my life.
The four guests who appeared to be of some sort of Indian descent asked for the most complicated order I’ve ever seen. And don’t forget about the extra jalepenos… grilled and seasoned to perfection… and extra spicy…
And some extra sour cream with that!
The next day, the manager tells me I got 4 bad reviews the previous night.
I guess the sour cream was as sour as their attitude… and their tip!


The day before I quit my first serving job, one of the managers said serving wasn’t for me.
Guess what I did by accident a few hours later?
Spill an entire pot of soup in the soup warmer instead of the container inside the warmer and then tell the other manager that I quit about an hour later… Oops!


I enjoy serving,
But I wonder where my next adventures will take me…
Maybe I’ll become the next “Mama Julia”
The world may never know…
Oh shit, my table just got sat!

Rebs Is In Search Of...

Please use some of my referral codes (for Uber, Lyft, Instacart, Dosh, Circle, Square Cash) by clicking here!

Help support my endeavors by donating to paypal.me/rebeccaduxler or cashapp at $RebeccaDuxler

Technical Writing: $30 an hour and up
Resume Writing: $20 an hour and up
Content Writer/Blogger: $20 an hour and up
Scholarship Essay Writing: $20 an hour and up
College Essay Writing: $20 an hour and up
College Paper Writing: $20 an hour and up
College Paper Editing: $15 an hour and up
Cover Letter Writing: $20 an hour and up
Proofreading: $20 an hour and up

Personal Chef: $25 an hour and up
Posting your items on Ebay, Offerup, Facebook Marketplace, etc.: $20 an hour and up

Social Media: $25 an hour and up

Flow Classes: $15 per person per class
Literary Classes: $10 per person per class
Storytelling and Flow Performances: $25 per performance and up depending on distance

Babysitting: $20 an hour and up
Dog Walking: $15 per 30 minute walk, $25 per hour walk
Cat Sitting: $50 per night and up

How to Better Yourself and Survive in a Toxic Living Environment

Living at home instead of in freedom...

It had been about 4 years since any evident return to the nest. I know this topic has been brought up on this blog and through my expressions years ago, but here we are once again... living at home... *cough* I mean hellhole land.

How did I get here? AGAIN? The last couple of times this happened, I had an immediate escape route (a place to go to avoid being at the nest or an immediate plan to move out because I had a nice shiny job), but now, after October, 2018, my escape route has escaped...

Last night, I went to bed at about 3am after a lovely day of productivity and not having to work. I was notified of an additional snow day at work and decided to stay up later indulging in video games.

My sister and me were fast asleep and at about 8am, we were woken up by the sound of my mom yelling/freaking out over where the TV remote was. We couldn't fall back asleep for another 2 hours and have been running on fumes all day. The first thing I wanted was a cup of coffee with a side of some vices. I want to be able to feel good physically and mentally in order to continue embarking on my path to success and being "here" isn't going to make me feel good. It is not worth "saving money" just to be in a negative environment. I am in the process of cutting my expenses on vices and using what I would spend on vices to cover a security deposit and a few month's rent somewhere.

It isn't just being woken up to screaming that's the problem.

I am not in the best shape of my life, but have dropped almost 15 pounds in the last month or so. Here I am celebrating an accomplishment, but I go to eat yesterday while my mom is also on a snow day and sitting in the kitchen, I grab "whatever I feel like eating" and receive negative feedback (ex., "why are you eating that?") about basically just eating in general because "apparently everything I put in my mouth is going to make me gain weight" while my mom is projecting her poor body image onto me just because my weight issues are a bit more blatant. Even my uncle didn't accept my body image when I was at a happy weight because he isn't happy with himself and wants to project that onto me, a vulnerable target. At least I am healthy enough to run for 15 minutes without stopping and pass songs on Dance Dance Revolution that I haven't passed since I gained the weight back again (before I started getting in shape again).

I keep telling myself how well I am doing and how I am accomplishing a bunch of small goals. It's always good to look at the bright side of things NO MATTER WHAT. Right now, I may not have a shiny job, but at least I have a job that's making me feel adequate and I can go there smiling every day. I am smiling because I am free and in my own world. I can make connections and be myself without negative feedback. My parents want me to have some stability and have a healthier financial life, but it seems like the only things my mom likes to talk about are complaints, money, and negative feedback in the form of, "I just want the best for you". My job isn't good enough to be accepted, but at least I am healthy enough to work. At this point last year, I couldn't even hold onto a job for very long because my mental health was bothering me too much. Both my parents fight all the time and after almost 33 years of marriage, I wonder why they are still married. My mom wants to be safe and my dad is whipped by her. He feels negative because he doesn't have the best job and projects that onto my mom, which is more negative energy projected onto the entire house.

How can one be successful in a negative environment?

Honestly, the best way to thrive in a negative environment is to get the hell out of there as much as possible whether it be working (at work), going to a coffee shop to go opportunity hunting, going to networking events to meet more positive people, and exercising/being involved in hobbies. Of course, the other thing to do is focus on what you can do now to make your future more fruitful. My biggest goal is to be free again and get my own place. For me, if I want to be a viral blogger and youtuber, I have to produce my own content frequently in order to get there instead of giving all my time to "the man" and to "everyone else". I don't need to be like everyone else in order to be accepted, because as long as I accept myself and keep smiling in places where I am safe and free, all will continue to move forward as expected.

2019 is my year. 2019 I will be out of this place for good and onto the path to realizing my dreams! I can do it. Besides for living in this place, everything else in 2019 has been solid. By this point last year, my year was up in flames. If I can keep smiling with this hellhole in my shadows, you can too!

Happy end of January and snow day (again), everyone!

When Dreams are More than Dreams

What do you want to do when you grow up? Do you want to be an everybody, or do you want to be extraordinary?

While graduating from college with a computer science degree, I thought for the longest time I wanted to be a computer programmer. My parents were blown away when I got a job out of school making bank. They thought I was "super successful", even though I was dying inside and did not like my job. I would be sitting at my desk doing the work I needed to and once I was done, I found myself writing stories, poems, recipes, researching my desired creative avenues, and applying to be on various TV shows. I knew my destiny in life is to create. While I have been involved in computer programming since I was 12 years old, I have taken my writing and performing adventures more seriously since I first started writing at age 15.

After I left my job out of school on my own terms (I am not one to burn bridges unless absolutely necessary), I was ready to make my own career instead of trying to fit a mold. I thought Uber and Lyft were the answer to "working on my own and making it big", but it turned into a failed business venture. I tried obtaining some freelance gigs in the meantime and had minimal luck (better than zero, but not enough to solely freelance). I sold a bunch of my belongings on the internet and have had luck reselling some stuff, but was not making enough to survive solely on that either. After 2.5 years of struggling (from February 2016 until July 2018), I decided to take the summer of 2018 off working completely in order to take a step back and truly find myself. I had a bunch of money saved up, which I spent all of it having fun and making some poor choices in between. My parents saw me as a "failure" because I wasn't going the traditional job route.

After a technical writing job blew up in my face in October 2018, thinking technical writing was ultimately what I wanted to do once I left my IT job, I still knew it was my destiny to create and make people happy. Sadly, in this capitalistic society, you need money, so I decided to get a job as a server and spend more time thinking what I really want to do. While I enjoy my server job and luckily have been working on finding balance to find time to work vs. create, I want to find the best way to maximize the skills I have and turn that into the most income possible. Some people take jobs just for the money, but I know when I do that, I get fired right away, which is a waste of everyone's time. Plus, getting fired sucks big time!

Success isn't a 9-5 job. Success is turning what you want to do into the greatest possible income. I want to be like the Bruno Mars song, "Millionaire" and "I want to be a millionaire so freaking bad". At restaurant land, I am maximizing my time there while learning valuable professional skills and making connections with other coworkers. Making connections is a more valuable experience than making money, even though money is nice and you need money to survive.

My next most valuable skill besides the knowledge of technology (which I still love and still want to write about) is writing. At this point, while working on turning my personal endeavors from writing and performing into a "full-time income" (ex. my blogs/websites, freelancing for other people, my youtube channel and various other creative content I write/sell/post on my own outlets, posting on other people's blogs and getting paid, writing my own books, etc.), writing for an income while turning my own thing into a career is what I want to do. It is possible to turn your dream into a reality. Don't give up or listen to other people's negative feedback. If you do what you want to do and follow your own set path, you will be happiest and live the most fruitful life. It is never too late either. You got this. It is time to create your own path!

Super "Du-ble" Ventures

When I arrived at work at 11:30am this morning for my "du-ble", my manager pulled me aside and asked me to take a party of 9 people. I was ready to make some money today! All was going according to plan until it was supposed to be break o'clock. It was 2pm...3pm...4pm... The next shift starts at 4pm and I usually get a 1-3 hour break in between shifts depending on the day. At 4pm, the young kitchen manager put in a large order of food for me and 3 others working doubles to be able to eat and chill for a bit before taking tables again. Not long after I started nomming (maybe about 5-10min), the floor manager asked me to take a table. I really wanted to say no because I wanted to finish eating and chill for a bit before having a long evening, but I reluctantly said ok. Little did I know, the night would pick up and I would barely have time to eat anything. I ate a piece of bacon wrapped shrimp, 4 big nachos, and a fajita, drank some water (and a sprite/apple juice mixture) and was back at it again for the rest of the night minus a 10min peemergency/"quick moment of me time" pitstop. Throughout the shift, I drank about a cup to a cup and a half worth of black coffee in 3 trips to keep me awake and perky... and not kersplode. Most of my tables were ok. I got asked to take a bunch of party tables again today and one of them, someone accidentally yoinked the chocolate pinata for my table and delivered it to their table, therefore forcing the kitchen to have to make another one and make my poor table wait another 10-15min, thus causing the manager to need to comp it (the guest gets it for free), thus I lose out on a tip for a 30 dollar item. One of my other party tables was salty that we ran out of Mexican rice at the end of the night on a holiday and gave me a "meh-riffic" tip (usually 15 percent). Other than that, both shifts ran pretty smoothly. I didn't make any mistakes or drop anything, most of my tables were pretty happy, a regular customer remembered me and I talked to her and her family for awhile, and I made decent money on both shifts, mostly thanks to other servers being nice and letting me take some extra tables/keep certain tables that were supposed to be mine and they wanted to sit elsewhere in another section, but I got to take the table anyway. At about 9pm, I stopped accepting new tables, but still had 2 outstanding tables to finish up before I could do any sidework I need to do before I can go home for the evening shift (fold napkins, clean silverware, make sure your section/tables are clean and reset, and certain other assigned chores). Since we were super understaffed today, I was assigned multiple chores. I'm usually able to complete my sidework throughout the shift, but was so busy/RIP from a long shift that I barely had time to do any of it. By 9:30pm, all of my tables had finally left. Thank goodness. Usually by that time, I'm long gone, especially after a double. I would then go to Dave and Busters to play Dance Dance Revolution, but not today. The restaurant closes at 10pm on Tuesdays, including holidays. By 10pm, everyone was super donezo from New Years Eve/working New Years Day and wanted to go home. By 10:30pm, I had done enough/had finished cleaning/resetting my section to where the person who was the latewait (the one who checks you off for your sidework before you go home for the night) told me to quietly go home/not tell antone without doing basically any of it and he'd take care of it. Happy New Years Day to me. Thanks for the get out of jail free pass today. At 10:40pm, I finished my checkout (tipping out/giving or receiving money from the bar) and I peaced the fuck out!

That was probably the craziest shift I've ever had at this job, but at least I have a job and did something productive today aka make money...

How did you spend your New Year?

Changes

Changes are the new beginnings...

C is for the climax.
When life is heating up with twists and turns
And you realize it's time to make a comeback
You pick yourself up by the horns and realize it's time for something new!
Welcome to the tippy top of the roller coaster's lift hill...

H is for healing.
You're about to shoot down the almost 90 degree drop and feel the adrenaline rush.
There's no turning back now.
To get better is to accept what's happening in the present moment and seek help if needed.
Please take care of yourself!
You are not on this ride alone.

A is for taking aim,

Controlling where the next shots are fired.

The air is what keeps you alive;

Don't forget to breathe!

N is for negating.

Not being negative, 

But eliminating wasted people or space from your life.

Sometimes, less is more,

But make sure your glass is half full at all times!

G is for goodbye.

Good game to the haters.

Good game to the ones who think you're too much.

And goodbye to those who don't care!

You are worthy sharing your adventures with those who genuinely want to join in on the fun.

Those people exist in the open spaces you thought were hidden.

The light is closer than you think!

E is for the end.

The end to this old pile of garbage

And hello to a new world and a new beginning. 

The starting over shall commence;

Time to embrace it!

Changes Come with Kindness

It has always been my passion to spread love and kindness in this world. I have had a tendency to be too nice, but have never found a reason to cease being kind. When my resources were more abundant, I was always willing to volunteer and help people out whenever I can. Now I'm the one needing the help. I've been in between jobs for quite awhile, driving for Uber and interviewing into the abyss of nothing, and need some stable grounding in my life. As one of my favorite quotes goes, "in order to receive much, you must give much." Karma began coming back in my direction when I needed it most.

From October 2017 until now, a new chapter of my life is being created.

At the time, I was living with two of my dearest friends. When my life started taking a sharp downhill turn, since I sometimes use Facebook as my public diary (only disclosing the basic whereabouts of course), the general population knew something was up in my life. I am a member of a number of nerd communities and one of them, being called the "Belegarth Medieval Combat Society" was the beginning of the outpour of love towards me. About 4 times a year for the last almost 5 years now, I've been able to hit every single major camping trip in Illinois. I was struggling with finances at the time and my checking account was badly overdrawn. My friend Nigel offered to give me a ride and hook me up with all the resources I'd need to have a successful camping trip and decided to go to the event 2 days prior. I returned from my camping trip fresh and ready to try finding a job some more.

At the end of November, one of the places I had located on a "job hunt tour", meaning driving around looking for places nearby my apartment that had "now hiring" signs outside and going inside and applying, randomly called me back and asked me to come in with 3 hours notice. Me being desperate for a job decided to accept said job as a server at a restaurant called Leona's. I walked into Leona's with my head held up high ready to be the best server ever and was ready to start training. Since I usually connect with males more, there was one male server named Chris. We talked whenever we were on shift together and one day in casual conversation, he told me, "if you ever need any "partying goods", let me know". One day, I hit him up, and he wanted me to grab the goodies from his girlfriend, Iris, who also worked at the restaurant. This ended up happening several times, including after I quit the restaurant.

Fast forward to January 2018, one of the days when I went over to Iris's apartment, she mentioned there being a vacancy in her apartment that would be cheaper rent than what I'm paying right now. Two days later, the people I was living with before and me had "the talk", but I was so out of it I had no idea what happened. Four days later, I decided to meet with the rest of the people living there to see if this would be a worthwhile move for me. After we met, I went to go pick up one of the current at the time roomies from work and I told him what I did when we were discussing how our day was. We then talked again and the information from "the talk" was clarified to me while being more in tune.

In an instant, I found out my living situation of two and a third years was changing. I was scared to death, especially because my mental health was failing and I didn't want any new people to see it.

Iris and Chris welcomed me into their lives with open arms and even helped me move. Special thanks to Iris to helping set up the place and making it feel like home for me... and for doing most of the cleaning. I promise I'll help more, don't worry!

Not only did my living situation change, but also in January 2018, I sought help to better my mental health. I also began picking up my hobbies that were lost to lifeing and trying to get my act together. One day while randomly scrolling through Facebook, in one of the other communities I'm in involved in, a "flow art", also known as a style of dance using an LED light prop, called "orbiting" with the prop being called an orbit, someone posted asking for some pointers on "glorbiting", which is using LED light gloves and an LED light orbit together in one act. I decided to comment on the post with my two cents and the original poster messaged me. For whatever reason, we hit it off pretty quickly, even though I was scared to warm up to new people at the time. This lovely fellow named Joey felt like the first real friend I've ever had even though I'm over here in Chicago and he lives in bufu North Carolina. A lot of the times we would talk, it would be about flow arts and orbiting. More of the times we would talk, I would message him at xyz late at night or early in the morning telling him I'm pulling an allnighter driving for Uber while completely losing my mind. Many of these same messages and talks later, I didn't expect anyone to be there for me in this super low state of mind. Each time, aside from talking me down, he would tell me to quit driving for Uber. He would also tell me how much he cared about me and how he was sick of seeing me hurt myself. Two months and hours and hours of phone calls and texts later, not only have my flow art skills increased, but I finally escaped the wrath of Uber after twenty six and a half months. Not only that, but he's saved me in money emergencies and gifted me this super snazzy prop for my recent birthday. He also gifted me with the quote, "if you don't like this world, create a new one!" And with this prop, I will express the newfound confidence and new life I have gained in the past several months. Through all of the changes and adventures, this show is dedicated to spreading love and light and thanking those who have been there for me recently and showering me with unexpected kindness when I needed it most. This is what I have to give back to you! Enjoy!

*insert light show here*

Top 3 Most Interesting Gigs I've Had Through 8-24-17

Since Joni Mitchell was a lady of many gigs, as am I, here are the top 3 most interesting gigs I’ve had over the course of this last year and a half:


1. I have been in between jobs for the better part of time since February 2016 and have been living the gig life. This first brief gig entailed me selling Hello Fresh products aka meal kit delivery services similar to Blue Apron. How would you feel if you were randomly out on the street in the city and asked if you liked to cook by some stranger in an apron... when there was bad weather outside? Imagine being the stranger in the apron standing outside in the cold trying to play the hustle game? That's what I did for just under 3 weeks. When I walked in the door for this “job of a lifetime”, it felt like I was told, “welcome to your commission-only job, where the name of the game was, "have fun and make money". After arriving at 17 N. State Street in the morning, I walked into this standing-only room into a meeting called "atmosphere", where we would go over the pitch and do some training in the morning before going out into the field. I had a mentor who would work in atmosphere meetings with me to teach me the pitch. It took me awhile to learn the pitch, but after several days, I eventually got it down. Everyone was super helpful and kind to me the entire time, which was nice. After atmosphere meetings, someone would come to the front of the room for an "impact" meeting, which was a lesson on how to sell shit. Sometimes, there would also be conference calls with the top representatives in the US, which also explained to us how to sell shit. The field was a very rough and cutthroat place. It looked all smiley and dancey and like you have pep in your step, but it was getting cold since it was around November and the field was outside on the street you and your group were assigned to. Each day in the field on average I managed to make 1 sale a day. Some days I made 0 and one day I made 3, which is called “ringing the bell”; the next day at work, you’d get announced before going out to the field in “noise”, which is honoring the people who made 3 or more sales in a day. My dear roommate friends noticed how unhappy I was when I would walk in the door and would often pass out on the couch; I had also been eating out a lot and unable to work out as much as necessary. When it was time for my appointment with my therapist, he told me to get the hell out of there; that was a sign. After spending two and a half weeks at this place, I told the commission-only job I was done. I needed to make more than $150 dollars in a week period. No, this "experience" is not going on my resume. While I am now looking for a new full-time job that won't mysteriously end 2 weeks after my start date and driving for Uber/Lyft in the meantime, this gig of mine has told me I am a lot more worthy than asking random strangers on the street if they like to cook!

2. One of the places I’ve had some decent luck finding gigs is on Craigslist. I randomly found an ad saying they needed people to wear costumes by Wiener’s Circle in less than 24 hours for decent pay. I decided to contact the poster, not expecting a reply, and received a reply to my surprise. The person told me they wanted to call me via Skype at 5:30pm that day. I also had a performance at 6pm that night I had to get to and it was a 15 minute drive. I jump on the Skype call, find out I got the gig, and rushed over to my performance. I found out the gig was to wear a hot dog costume in front of Wiener’s Circle to advertise for a minor league baseball team… from 6:30am to 10:30am in the morning. RIP! I’m not used to being up that early in the morning, but decided to do it anyways for the money’s sake. When I arrive at the Wiener’s Circle at super early in the morning, I was given my hot dog costume and left to stand around for a little bit. Since it’s super early and there was a DJ at this event, he decided to play the Cupid Shuffle and the Cha Cha Slide. So here I was, dancing around in a hot dog suit at early o’clock in the morning with a bunch of other people in hot dog costumes. As the morning progressed, a bunch of news stations came to record us holding signs for the Chicago Dogs minor league baseball team and waving. They also recorded us playing wiffle ball in these costumes. A bunch of standing around happened in between all of the madness. When I eventually checked my phone, a bunch of people, including my roommate friends, said they saw me on TV. I had always wanted to be on TV and finally got the opportunity to!

3. I also got to be on TV a second time in the same week! This time, it was a bit more of a surprise! I had applied to another freelance gig on Craigslist and ended up getting a call back. I trek to Michigan Avenue for an interview and get a call a few days later saying I got a gig. The gig was at 1:45am to do what I thought was to “help set up for an event” at the Garfield Park Conservatory. When I arrive at the conservatory, I get there and see some snacks and coffee, balloons, and plastic silverware. After having some coffee and noms, I was instructed to help roll up silverware. After rolling up silverware for awhile and talking to the other people in the room because we were all artists, the man in charge of the gig told me to come outside into the hallway and put a vest on in order for the security guards to know I was allowed into the conservatory. I’m then greeted by a man named Mike who claims he’s worked with plants for a long time. He tells me to water these pods for awhile while we’re having a general conversation. While I’m watering the pods, Mike pulls out a “forbidden plant” from his bag that was one of his coworker’s babies, but he got fired for it because he wasn’t allowed to have this Cuban accelerator plant at the conservatory. Mike then touched his orange to the plant and the plant began multiplying in size and sprouting a fruit the size of an orange in it. He throws the plant back in his bag and steps outside to call his manager. His manager doesn’t answer because there’s no signal. Meanwhile I’m still remaining super chill and not having much of a reaction to anything because I don’t get scared easily. He then takes the plant back out of his bag to notice it’s multiplied even more in size and began taking human form. It was sprouting a face, eyes, nose, and even looking and blinking at me. I thought it was some kind of magic trick or illusion. He proceeded to tell me the plant was morphing due to the “Carbonaro Effect” and I’m like “whaaaaaa???” And then he tells me the Carbonaro Effect is a TV show and I’ve been pranked. I was like, “cool, I’ve always wanted to be on TV”. We both start laughing, he walked me out of the room into another room where I signed some waivers and showed my ID, was given $100 bucks for an hour and 45 minutes of my time, told I'd air in September or fall time, and escorted to my car. Someday I will be famous and now is my time to shine!

Do You Like To Cook?

"Do you like to cook? No? Have a nice day!"

"Hello m'am. Quick question. Do you like to cook? No? Have a nice day!"

"Hello sir. Quick question. Do you like to cook? No? Have a nice day!"

How would you feel if you were randomly out on the street in the city and asked if you liked to cook by some stranger in an apron... when it was snowing? Imagine being the stranger in the apron standing outside in the cold trying to play the hustle game? That's what I did for just under 3 weeks.

Welcome to my commission-only job, where the name of the game was, "have fun and make money".

I had been looking for a job and had finally landed a second round interview again, which I decided to go to. I get to the second interview and find myself talking to a young man named Nate and answering questions about marketing and sales all while standing outside. Thankfully, this was all before it became super freezing outside. After a strenuous six hours of doing that, Nate walked me inside. I ended up having to answer a questionnaire and talk to a man named Ryan to convince him I have drive and am a motivated person. I was offered the job on the spot and told to come in tomorrow.

Tomorrow happened and I was just snake-in-the-grassed into this role of a lifetime... or so I thought. Part of me was skeptical the entire time. My friends were also throwing me red flags right away due to the nature of the interview and telling me not to go into work. Something was up, and I needed to figure out why red flags were being thrown so early on. I went into work anyways.

After arriving at 17 N. State Street in the morning, I walked into this standing-only room into a meeting called "atmosphere", where we would go over the pitch and do some training in the morning before going out into the field. Nate ended up becoming my mentor and would work in atmosphere meetings with me to teach me the pitch. It took me awhile to learn the pitch, but after several days, I eventually got it down. Everyone was super helpful and kind to me the entire time, which was nice. After atmosphere meetings, someone would come to the front of the room for an "impact" meeting, which was a lesson on how to sell shit. Sometimes, there would also be conference calls with the top representatives in the US, which also explained to us how to sell shit.

We sold "Blue Apron"-like products, which were meal kits with pre packaged and pre measured ingredients so all you had to do was chop veggies and cook everything. It would take 20-30 minutes to cook the food.  The field was where we would be standing outside soliciting strangers trying to sell shit. I knew I had a hustler mentality and something inside of me was convincing me not to bail right away.

The workday was normally supposed to be from 9:45am until 6pm and if you didn’t make 3 sales you were to stay until 7, but no later. The training was from 9:45am until 11am, which you wouldn’t get paid for. The rest of the day, it was floating in the field trying to move it or lose it. 

The field was a very rough and cutthroat place. It looked all smiley and dancey and like you have pep in your step, but it was getting cold since it was around November and the field was outside on the street you and your group were assigned to. There were even points where I had to stand outside by myself and start pitching to strangers. Yes, you had to pitch to strangers! You would continuously ask every last person if they liked to cook and they would mostly give you some form of “no” while you would tell them to have a nice day and move on. Some days it was nice and warm and I didn’t need to look like an eskimo. Other days I wasn’t so lucky. Some days I would be pain free. Others I would be reaching into my bag for Advil praying the day would end. Some days I would be nice and awake. The rest of the time I would be having brain farts, mind blanks, and my mentor would see how dead I am and make a secret stop to the nearest Dunkin Donuts in order for me to be able to function during the day. Thanks Nate!

Each day in the field on average I managed to make 1 sale a day. Some days I made 0 and one day I made 3, which is called “ringing the bell”; the next day at work, you’d get announced before going out to the field in “noise”, which is honoring the people who made 3 or more sales in a day. 

After the field, you would go inside and break down your day to see if you hit your “goals” and go over what you did well and what can be improved upon. After a crazy long day plus a 45 minute commute each way, I was dead tired once I got home.

My dear roommate friends also noticed how unhappy I was when I would walk in the door and would often pass out on the couch; I had also been eating out a lot and unable to work out as much as necessary. When it was time for my appointment with my therapist, he told me to get the hell out of there; that was a sign.

After spending two and a half weeks at this place, I told the commission-only job I was done. I needed to make more than $150 dollars in a week period. No, this "experience" is not going on my resume. While I am now looking for a new full-time job that won't mysteriously end 2 weeks after my start date and driving for Uber/Lyft in the meantime, this gig of mine has told me I am a lot more worthy than asking random strangers on the street if they like to cook!

Life as We Know It Haiku Poem Collection

The struggle is real

Trying times exist all while

Waiting is worth it!


The skies aren't grey
Don't let bullshit bring you down
Believe you'll survive!


Wind whispers softly.
As life briskly passes by,
Always try your best!


Must not ever give up
As much as I wanna badly
Quitting ain't success!

The first snowfall down.

White speckles from the sky fall;

Here comes the chaos!


On the last day of
An experience of life
Craziness happens!


The deed has been done.
It may have been difficult;
Don't regret a choice!


I allow myself
To feel what needs to be felt;
It's quite uneasy!


Following your dreams
Is an adventure of life
Meets proper moment!

Life is difficult 

Gotta tough it out if you

Wanna win the game!

If you get lemons 

Imagine them being limes 

It's more positive!

Being is a choice 

You don't have to be present

But you'll miss the stars!

Go soft on yourself

You cannot beat yourself up 

To advance in life 

The Girl and the Snake

Being different and being a woman can be a pain sometimes, even back then.
I’m pretty, right?
I wish the right person would notice me,
A hero, a real man, a knight in shining armor
Carrying a sword and a shield in his hands,
Chivalry in his heart
Tell me how beautiful I am,
Take me for a spin in your antique car,
Show me your heart
Turn my pet snake into the furry friend I’ve always wanted.
It would be a dream come true!
So please, please, prince charming, splash some color into my life!
I hope you don’t bite!

Zero to Forgiveness

A quarter century ago, I was born under the wing of my mom and dad and was setup to navigate life’s mazes on my own.

Sometimes I wonder what the “ideal parental unit relationship” is supposed to look like. I sometimes say “I wish things could have been different”, but I’d rather try to find the positive in something, even if it seems like there isn’t anything bright to say. It could be worse. We had no problems getting food on the table and had shelter.

I see all of these people having close relationships with their mom and part of me wishes I could have one, but need to accept it not being in the cards for me. In a mother-themed story, one would expect me to discuss the positive experiences I’ve had; though there isn’t anything noteworthy, I am thankful to have been afforded the opportunity to try several different activities and sports. I wrote a poem recently about “surviving an episode of the mother’s day show”, which consisted of lyrically explaining how anxious I become prior to mandated interactions with my mom.

According to statistics you see in psychology textbooks, having a negative relationship with parental units constitutes adverse effects in being able to create and maintain relationships with others. The relationship with both of my parents was overall pretty poor throughout my entire life, but it is more in “no bueno land” with my mom. It is also mentioned how poor familial relationships elicit an increased likelihood for adulthood mental illness.

A certain situation often overlooked is family bullying. In being an identical twin, being born a minute after my sister meant everything. I was looked at as the youngest, smallest, and weakest, therefore most vulnerable. With being the subject of all of the ridicule displayed among the family, it caused a plethora of problems. One verbal attack after another, I’d sit there and take them like nothing is bothering me. My anger-o-meter would escalate from green, yellow, orange, and red, until I reached “super saiyan levels”. I eventually would become so tired of getting hurt to a point where I would become rage angry and want to terrorize the town and crush buildings. This led to me not only struggling to create relationships with other women while joining a sorority in college in effort to combat my poor parental unit dynamics, but it also caused me to be unable to properly communicate my upset feelings and struggle with being assertive in the professional world. It also drove me to being so depressed and anxious to a point where a friend noticed a difference in my behavior and suggested I attend therapy (and I did). One of my friends I live with explained to me what a healthy relationship should look like; while I don’t want to envy him, negative life situations make you stronger.

I wish I was able to get my entire college paid for me like a lot of my surrounding friends. I wish I was able to go on more family vacations. I wish I didn’t have to spend my childhood getting yelled at and nitpicked for not meeting your unattainable standards not in my direction. I still try to search for what love means. Since verbal abuse was a norm in my life, getting verbally abused by boyfriends became a thing too. Every time I think I’d want to “try again”, something would happen to make me feel unsafe. By the end of college, I no longer wanted to associate myself with my past and refused to take family graduation pictures. I wish I wasn’t so sheltered as a child to a point where most of my life skills were acquired after moving out and needing to teach myself. Being hand-held my entire life led me to struggle to trust myself, as well as make me so clueless about money to a point where I ended up listening to my abusive ex boyfriend who coerced me into making extremely poor decisions. I can’t dwell on the past though. It’s time to move on! I wish my mom would be able to move on from her past too, which hindered her to be able to properly express love. It’s why I haven’t been able to say the magic 3 words in at least 10 years.

As an overall positive person, I like to act like a house flipper in terms of dealing with negative circumstances. I could rant and rave all day about my difficult childhood or choose to think about the strong woman I am becoming for overcoming the rugged flaming pathways.

I hear about all of these stories about kids failing out of college, getting arrested for whatever reason, or turning into “festie burnouts”, meaning those who attend festivals to escape reality. I may now have to suffer through the massive self-esteem issues, but I have a lot more to be thankful about than I think.

I am thankful to have been able to realize I was mentally troubled and decided to seek recovery. All of my past trauma has inspired me to want to constantly better myself every day and find my strongest self. I am thankful I didn’t have to get sent to some lame daycare and my mom worked from home while we were very young. I am thankful to be in good health and rarely get sick. I am thankful to have been able to attend a super prestigious high school that shoved the “hard work pays off” motto in your face and even had a fencing team, which I was on all 4 years. I am thankful I am thankful to be able to attend a major university and earn a college degree and the opportunity to have worked for one of the top international banks. A lot of people I know and see seem to accept mediocrity and comfort while finding themselves through romantic relationships. I am lucky to strive for independence and find my own stability to make the system work by for me by taking risks instead of joining the corporate zombies. Most of all, I am thankful to be a self-motivated person who is able to turn the poor treatment in my past into wanting to inspire others to bring out their best selves, help others, and make a difference. The list continues.

As I grow older, I am becoming aware how I can no longer remain bitter of my past; I need to let go of bitterness in order to find forgiveness. Whatever happened x number of years ago is gone and I need to take the backpack off and leave it behind. I need to keep telling myself these experiences were just meant to make me stronger and possess more mental endurance. Plus, I’m not perfect and apologize for my shitty past behavior. I can only forgive so much, but I can never forget. I’m just thankful to be alive!

10 Signs You're Adulting Just Fine

The adult world can be a jungle without a map,
But I can tell you 10 reasons why you and I are doing just fine.

1. After graduating from college and taking ownership of my expensive piece of paper,
I thought I landed my dream job right away.
Little did I know, I'd be riding a sinking ship.
At least I found a life boat and a place to work!

2. Some people are connected to their blood family.
My clan is comprised of a chosen few I genuinely love.
I'm blessed to have a family.

3. Everyone wants to feel like they're a part of something.
It could range from a religious organization to a group of nerds who hit each other with foam weapons;
If I can belong to one of the most outlandish groups out there, you can belong somewhere too!

4. I'd rather be single than in a miserable marriage or have an oops baby and ruin my life. It's fun to be able to dance like Beyonce, waving my hands without a ring on my finger, and be proud of it!

5. I sometimes compare myself to others, especially through social media, but no one around me has their black belt. I'm always aware I can always kick some serious ass!

6. I feel like I need a money management 101 class, which was never taught in school,
But at least I can afford to pay my bills on time!

7. Even if you see other people reaching their dreams before you, you are on your own journey and will reach your goals at your own time! Keep your eyes on the prize! You are worthy of success!

8. Sometimes during these mapless adventures, you reach a crossroad. Difficult decisions and sacrifices will have to be made, but it's all for the gold. Realize and accept these necessary choices and believe in your journey!

9. Don't take small things for granted. If you think you're low on your luck, be blessed you have a roof over your head, a place to listen to art, and the health capacity to be here today.

And 10. If you are alive, you are adulting just fine. Just be thankful for this beautiful life!

Quarter Life Crisis: Reflections and Realizations From Being In Your Twenties

When you reach a certain point in your life, you end up reflecting and wondering where you are and where you want to go. If you think everything is crappy and feel like you're going nowhere, chances are it's not true. If you have independence, income, talents, drive, and a support system, you're doing a lot better than you think. If you have a college degree, you're definitely doing better than you think. If you're young, you don't have to have all your shit together. If you feel like other people who are younger than you are finding success faster than you, you have to realize how different their life and journey are than yours. It’s impossible to replicate someone else’s situation and need to accept your own circumstances. As long as you’re making and recognizing forward progress, you’re on the path to success. Everyone finds themselves, lands ideal opportunities, and realizes their dreams at a different pace. It’s ok if your success comes a little bit later than someone else. Just make sure to keep trying, keep adventuring, and continue being willing to accept a possible chance of failure. At times, you may feel lost and have no idea which direction to proceed in at the crossroad. It's ok to question where you are. It's ok to question your faith and where to place it, especially if your parents forced religion down your throat. It's ok to be uncertain of where you want your career path to go. It's ok to fail and fall on your ass as long as you maintain an awareness and refuse to give up. And it's definitely ok to be single and focus on yourself. If you want to change the world and have an idea of how to do it, keep believing in your idea and working on your idea and it will come to life. Patience and resilience are the answer. But be careful, because even superheroes have limits! Just don't be afraid to live and use your heart and intuition as your guide! Make sure you share the love, too!