Broken Record

I feel like my friends are tired of me telling them the same story over and over again...

It is past 4am
And I'm scrolling through my messages wondering who my next victim will be to hear about how I found another way to screw myself over.
I don't want to bother anyone,
But my instincts tell me to message someone before I shove more artificialness through my mouth because I haven't been to therapy in 2 weeks...

It would be nice if someone could hold my hand and tell me everything would be ok, but I've held my own hand the last 4+ years.
While I don't regret it, I need to open the door instead of letting myself continue to drown...

"I'm a strong independent woman!"
I continue to chant that to myself as I try not to let myself cry.
The magicness is right next to me, but it's locked in the safe and I shouldn't go grab the key...

"I'm a strong independent woman!"
I continue to tell myself that while pushing unnecessary societal and familial pressures aside to keep myself afloat.
I am one to march to my own irrythymic heartbeat at my own pace and shall continue on my way to the golden roads!

"I'm a strong independent woman!"
I scream that to myself in the mirror as I look at my bare body, realize what I've done to it, and vow to be better.

I'm not a broken record.
You cannot shatter me as easy as glass breaks.
I may sound a little off, but I still am able to function.

I'm sorry the songs have some minor keys, but I'm not sorry for being me!
I'm not sorry for being free!
And I'm definitely not sorry for being different.

I have already walked away from the ridicule for it to follow me back to what is supposed to be home.

If I am a strong independent woman as I say, it is time to lay the layers, brick by brick, and pave my own golden roads!

Adulting to Find the Rainbow

Ring ring!

The alarm yells at me approximately 16 times until I dreadfully roll and groan myself out of bed...
"My bed is so warm" I tell myself as I reluctantly shut off my mattress heater my darling purchased for me...
I wake the fuck up with just enough time to finish my "morning routine" of throwing on my mask, grabbing my shit, and darting out the door to catch the bus,
Trying not to be late,
Just like the school days...
Except this time the stakes aren't just a letter grade and a sticker of achievement...

And then you end up running late anyway...

After waiting for the adult school bus, it eventually decides to show up...
You tap your ventra card 4 times until it finally decides to register on the screen and you sit down and stare at Lake Michigan, try not to fall asleep, and await for your traffic-filled ride to finally subside...
But it's not over yet, time to transfer to the train...
At least the bus isn't like a sack of peanuts, packed tightly to the brim without air in the bag...

Train time...
It's just two stops,
But one vehicle is more than enough...

Two stops later it's time for the windy walk of about 4 blocks...

Seven minutes later, I arrive at desk land, ninja-ing my way in the office so no one notices my presence as I am late again...

I sit down to see a prevalence of grey,
Hoping to pass the day
And find the fray... of all the work I should have on my plate...
But no gatekeeper will be in *my* way!

The hours pass... 9 o'clock, 10 o'clock... phone call time... or should I say "spacing out time" because we work with offshore people and I never have anything to say...
12 o'clock and I'm counting down until I'm ready to eat lunch...
My notebook is out, my software is open, and so is Google hangouts on my phone because I'm utterly bored and lonely and my boyfriend keeps me sane from the suburbs as I sit all alone in my colorless box all day...

One trip to stuffing my face land, walkie land, and going to Whole Foods for free samples land later, it's time to attempt the grind once again...

I'd rather see a rainbow than a rut, but I must make myself a living...

I get a lot done, but not always work-related items...
Because my view of making a difference is having the power to show people how to climb the rope and hold up your weight, not the capacity to down 40 ounces of caffeine and two water bottles just to survive... and not knock out at my desk...

Boredom strikes again, but that's nothing new...

After a conversation with resilience's shrine, it is time to peace the fuck out of this joint, heading back on the train towards the opposite of mundane... where opportunity lies and I have a place where I can fly.