The Struggle is Real

Welcome to the 4am episode of Rebs's Rockin Rants! Because I can’t sleep!

The struggle is real... my slogan for quite some time now, especially as a young lady in her mid 20's wanting to be a full-time freelance gig master. As a full-time rideshare driver at 3am on a Friday night/Saturday morning, I should either be driving for Uber (or Lyft), sleeping, or going out. Instead, I feel like contributing to society by writing a story because I am way too physically and mentally exhausted to operate a car and don't want to hurt myself or others. If I could make money just sharing my stories or have this story turn into a million dollars, that would be awesome, but one can dream, right?

Right now, the job market is a pile of poop for me. For reference, I graduated from college a few years ago with a Web Development degree, got a job in my field, realized it wasn't for me, left my sinking ship job, and am trying to switch career paths to something writing-related. I have had tons of trouble getting a new job or many freelance gigs. It may be lack of experience, it may be because I am a very eccentric person and need a certain type of environment to belong into, who knows. Either way, I have been incessantly job hunting since September, 2015 and in between jobs since the end of January, 2016. It is now just about April, 2017 and am still standing strong with no "actual" job. I decided not to count how many interviews I've had (because it's a large number probably well over 30 by now) and every rejection or not call back I receive, I throw it away and keep going. 

A quote I've recently written for myself is, "shoot for the stars, even when you feel like you're falling". Right now, I surely feel like I'm falling. I often post Facebook statuses of all of the rejections I've received for failed attempts to land a job, followed by a "hello world, help me find a job" post. I refuse to give up. The struggle exists of not being able to find a job in any field. The struggle exists because I am in between jobs right now, even though it was my choice and I don't have any regrets. I took a risk and I am currently living in it. With the job market being no good, I've been willing to have countless interviews for roles outside of my field of college studies (ex brand marketing, content writer, technical writer); I sit in a room being bombarded with questions and pray I am able project my best self to these people while dressed to impress.

The struggle exists because I now run into occasions where I wonder how I'm going to be able to pay all my bills... and somehow pull it off every time. I even had to ask my parents for help a couple times in order to pay my rent and health insurance. Thankfully, they were able to help me. If I was in the opposite money situation, I'd help anyone in a heartbeat. I hope to be able to return the favor to my parents soon, and I am working my tail off to be able to do so!

Even if I'm struggling money-wise right now, I am lucky to have a roof over my head. I am lucky to have my health. I am lucky to live with 2 people who give a genuine crap about me who I love to pieces. I am lucky to live in Chicago. I could go on for awhile, but I am still wealthy; I may not be wealthy with green pieces of paper that only represent a number, but I am rich with life experiences and knowledge. I still make time to perform and have "somewhat" of a social life. I haven't totally tossed all my hobbies to the side, even though I have had to make plenty of sacrifices lately. If you don't sacrifice, you won't win! However, if you have a roof over your head and loved ones who love you back, you are currently winning at life. 

In order to succeed, all you need to do is be a good person and be you. Do your best. That's all you can do! Driving for Uber isn't too bad anyways because the customers are nice, mostly talk to me, and I get to interact with people instead of being alone! A lot of them tell me their life story and I feel that's interesting because I gain knowledge of what the world actually is and means. As much as I dislike driving, I would rather do that than have nothing at all and lose my independence. I refuse to give up until I have what I want, but I also need to live in the present! In order to continue my winning adventures, I will remain thankful for everything I have! In due time, I will find my golden ticket job! Live with no regrets, and you will continue to win the game!

There is a video for this too, which I self-recorded on my computer. Enjoy the video too :)

Video Link: CLICK HERE!!!

Stop Doubting Yourself

A little while ago, I wrote a motivational speech explaining how people should stop doubting themselves. Unfortunately, I've been quite guilty of doing so lately.

Thoughts from my past have lately been popping up in my head, all of questioning myself and decisions I made. The most recent example is when I recently decided to make a career change and left my “nice shiny job”, jumping off the top of a Chicago skyscraper and pulling the parachute cord. It was one of the scariest decisions I had ever made. I left safety and exchanged it for the unknown and adventures. I didn’t think I’d still be able to maintain independence, but have so far been successful.

When you’re a little kid, positive actions are rewarded by affirmation and negative and against the norm behavior are answered by punishment. For me, it seemed like everything in my line of sight was answered with a punishment or snarky response. It all started by getting kicked around in the womb by my twin, thus being born second. I didn’t care about one measly minute, but to her, it meant everything. She always wanted to be better than me and all I wanted to do was be me. I was always the brown banana in the bunch; it was the one that was still tasty and often thrown away or overlooked. I once walked outside in a pink scarf with flowers on it, a black shirt, pink skinny jeans, piano high knee socks, and skate shoes, all tied together with a pink bow headband. My mom gave me the stink eye and ask me if I was about to go in public looking how I did. I walked out the door. My sister didn’t receive the same treatment in my presence, and likely not at all. Little did I realize how bad I felt like I was screwed over for my adult life in terms of believing in myself.

Many people have told me how you're supposed to take pride in yourself, but how can you if the demons in your head are like a cancer eating at your self worth due to the dragons of your past you’re wrangling with? According to Maslow's hierarchy of needs, it is quite essential to feel a sense of belonging in this world. I wanted to find a special place of being welcomed and praised.

There have been many situations where everyone seemed to believe in me except for me. For example, towards the end of my senior year in college, as a Web Development major, I was given this assignment to make a web page with specific requirements. I was in the library among some of my friends investing in my screen. The demon spoke to me and told me there’s no way I’d ever be able to accomplish this task. When I took a few programming classes prior to this, I had to repeat 2 of them. Both classes were the ones I took with my sister, who showered me with how I was the most useless and crappy programmer ever. I was never really praised and thus, believed I was an awful programmer. I went to the professor’s office several times and he told me I’d surely be able to solve the programming puzzle. After mustering up the courage to spray the demon with pepper spray in the eye instead of backing down immediately, I successfully completed the assignment.

On December 5, 2015, I successfully tested for my black belt in Shotokan Karate. I was constantly showered with compliments by my peers in class, as well as from my friends. I wasn’t sure if I was going to pass the test and would ask my friends, “what if I failed my test?” I sometimes had these toxic thoughts in my head of how I’m not worthy of being a black belt. When I was trying to land my first job right out of school back when I was overweight, I was about to basically have interview number 20 and hadn’t received any offers yet. My mom told me I probably wasn’t receiving any offers because I was overweight and didn’t look good enough. I ended up landing that job. I took my karate test in front of the instructor who had once given me a low score. I was ready to show the world what I was made of. I obviously passed, am worthy of large accomplishments, and need to tell my brain to accept it.

In regards to maintaining relationships with other people, I sometimes felt like people were going to be offset by my quirkiness and how loud I am. I’ve had way too many poor and abusive relationships with men for my own good and I was bullied by peers and family from Pre-K through the end of college. I had also experienced several roommate fail situations, due to fear of communication on my end stemming from the fact standing up for myself at home was punished consistently, among other reasons. Surely enough, I was able to learn from the reasons that made my past relationships fail and hit the jackpot this time around. I am still not so lucky yet in terms of finding a romantic partner, but I’m sure it will soon change.

To top it off, when I graduated from college and was left to suffer the wrath of my parents, I was also left knowing I needed to move on from my high school friends. Thankfully, one of my friends from college introduced me to the Belegarth Medieval Combat Society, a group of nerds who enjoy playing a contact sport battle game where you hit each other with foam weapons. I tried to find a community (of women) to accept me in college, which turned into me being considered too weird to recruit people and only good enough to hand out the finger sandwiches and show Powerpoint slides. To my disbelief, after I was introduced to this nerd community, I was welcomed and accepted with open arms. I am worthy of having real friends who love and accept me for who I am and need to keep telling myself that.

Let me begin again by asking, “how would you take pride in yourself if you’ve been beaten down so many times?” The answer is resilience. People are bullies to those who value themselves because the bullies feel the need to hurt others to make themselves feel prideful. The targets for bullying are usually people who identify as being “different”. Every time I doubt myself and prove myself against a challenge, I become empowered. The empowerment motivates me to want to continue to push myself farther than I think I am capable of. Sticks and stones may break your bones, words may break your soul, but the only way to win the fight is to take a stand and keep standing.

Today, 8-20-15, in Micropoetry...

Some motivational haikus for all you lovely people out there. Enjoy!


(You Can Do It!)
You know you can do it

Keep telling yourself you can

Your goal will be reached!

(Fuel Your Fire)

Fuel your fire

Release whirlwinds of potential

For the world to see!

(No Quitting Allowed)

Resilience is key

You will thank yourself later

When you didn’t quit!

(Heart of Passion)

Passion is fashion

It lies in your heart pocket

To fuel the fire!

Teachings and Lessons from Failure

I’ve been having quite the eventful past few weeks, and have summarized my recent reflections. I am speaking from experience here. I didn’t get the first, second, or third job I applied for. I failed 2 classes in college. I’ve gotten F’s on exams plenty of times, but still won several scholarships and had a solid GPA. I’ve missed deadlines. I’ve received so many rejection letters for contests and castings I’ve applied for it’s not even funny. We are human and there is no possible way to get accepted to everything and succeed on all the shots you take. Nope, nope, nope! I am currently experiencing a failure in my life right now, and here is what I have to say for myself:


After a very disheartening meeting at work, I was sent a quote this morning which perfectly described my current feelings on life:

Arnold Schwarzenegger once said, "Strength does not come from winning. Your struggles develop your strengths. When you go through hardships and decide not to surrender, that is strength."

Not every battle ends in victory. Not every exam in school earns an A, a B, or even a C. Not every audition will land you the lead role, or even a part at all.

Failure is defined as not meeting a desired or expected goal.

Winning isn’t easy, but the first way to be able to do so is to get the fuck out of bed and tell yourself how glorious of a day you’re going to have. Carry that attitude with you to the finish line, and bam, your chances of success increase just with a positive attitude.

Unfortunately, the path to the finish line isn’t just running across a straight line and whoop, there it is. There’s twists, turns, ups, downs, lefts, rights, and plenty of downs. When you reach a down, you may feel like you’re so far into the ground there’s no way to get up. You lie there, feeling like you’ve reached your pending doom; but lying down isn’t what’s going to drive you forward. The moment you let the light reach your eyes and realize the hole contains a hidden ladder to climb out is the moment you realize you CAN do it. Keep telling yourself you can in the same way the childhood fable characters adapted to struggles, hardship, and adversity, to realize their greatest potentials.

Everybody has moments where they fall short. Everybody has moments when they trip over their shoelaces, or miss a step in a dance, or drop a line, or even make a miscalculation for a major project, present it to the CEO and an audience, and have the entire audience realize your mistake. Failure is a real thing; nobody is perfect. We are human, therefore perfection is the only aspect of life to be deemed impossible.

How do you take failure into your life? Do you let it rule you? Do you let it tell you how much you can’t do xyz? Do you let it tell you the end of the world is approaching? No. You take a deep breath, close your eyes, count to 10, reflect, and keep walking. Giving up, especially without a valiant fight, is your worst enemy, because you only run out of hit points when you die. If you keep walking, you will have as many tries to reach the finish line as your heart desires.

When you fail, think about what caused your result to not turn out as expected, tweak your plan, and try try again. Keep on trying, because success will be achieved as long as you always back yourself up and allow your imagination to tell you a positive result exists. When you fail, don’t just think, “oh, I fucked up”. Instead, ingest this experience and take proper corrective action to learn from your mistakes. Failure isn’t a death sentence. It’s a moment of learning lessons and personal growth and enlightenment. It’s another few paragraphs or even an entire chapter’s worth of juicy content to add to your story.

Society seems to have glorified expectations of what a “successful” person is. You see people already at the top and think they magically appeared there or found an easy route. Nope. They have put in hours of hard work. They have fallen on their ass or fucked up plenty of times. They have been told no enough times to build a tolerance to it.

The definition of success, from General Colin Powell, is that there are no secrets to success. It is the result of preparation, hard work and learning from failure. When you fail, keep going. Keep on going. You will get there. You have a race to win. You can do it! Everyone believes in you. Now you need to believe in you. Life is yours. Do you want to win?