A Nerd's Awakening

This is the story of when I realized it was ok to be myself. Enjoy!

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Every day at a place I thought was home in the averagetown burbs, with an identical twin sister, and my mom and dad, I felt like I had a neon sign on my back displaying, “goat”. This term represented being the center of negative attention. I’m about to go chill at my friend’s place and decided to wear pink leggings, blue shorts with cherries, a Five Finger Death Punch shirt, an ear full of metal and an armful of bling, the family points and laughs. My mom says, “Are you really going to go out in public like that”. I reply, “um, yeah?!?” I then storm out the door and slam it shut, never looking back, wondering what I did to make myself the black sheep.

Being an identical twin almost means two people, one soul. I still get called by my sister’s name by those who don’t even know I have an identical twin sister named Rachel. But how do you find your own identity by having the same friends, doing the same sports and activities for the most part, going to the same college, even choosing the same major, and never having any room to find yourself? At least having the initials “RAD” is pretty rad, even though they aren’t unique…

From my endless amounts of experiences, long list of hobbies, and trying to fill every moment and every person around me with color, I’ve learned that life is a story. You are the main character. Each adventure you take marks another chapter in your book. You can choose to either have 15 pages, 100 pages, or even a thousand pages. As for me, I like to venture into distant lands.

When I went to college, like everyone else, I wanted to find my home and people to call my family, since I abide by the phrase, “the blood of the covenant is thicker than the water of the womb”. It was also a time for me to shake the neon sign and pray a trail of the ill colored light didn’t decide to follow me. For most of my life, most of my friends have been men. Even growing up, I was best friends with a man named Kyle who inspired me to proceed down the path of nerddom. With the strong desires to bring some women into my life, I decided to go Greek. A major goal of the Greek system is to recruit members, but what if you’re indirectly assigned the role of the water boy instead of being able to talk to people? We would be in the Circus Room of the Student Center, tables set up all eloquently, about 50 women decorated fully and sporting their nicest lettered shirts, sitting at tables in their poses, and trying to convince women to join the sorority. My goal was to authentically see if the woman’s values fit with mine and would fit with what the sorority would want in a reputable person. Apparently, all that got me doing was serving finger sandwiches and water to my sisters and the pnms aka “potential new members”, and getting yelled at for checking my phone during voting while my mom was telling me my great aunt had just been admitted to the hospital.  By the end of the day, I was left out on the street to fend for myself, and don’t really talk to any of my “sisters” at this point in time. The last time I was invited anywhere was to someone’s birthday party, which just so happened to be on the same day as “Belegarth day event” (where you fight and converse during the day only and don’t camp overnight). I yearned for some real friends in my life because I sure didn’t find many in college.

After four years away from the nest, it was time to fly home again. Almost 2 months after getting back, I was introduced to a world of the nerd club, singing pirates, hitting people with foam weapons, campfires, camaraderie, medievalness, lots of food, and even the Mystery Machine? My friend Josh I met in the IT department at school, offered me a ride to the local “nerd club” practice in Elgin, IL. I accepted his offer, showed up in my workout clothes, and had no idea what I was getting myself into. After the schpeal of “Welcome to the Belegarth Medieval Combat Society” and being told the rules, I was handed a foam sword, a foam shield, and told to go get em. I ended up beating 1 person, which was an accomplishment for me. Plus, people were drawing conversations with me and seemed interested in me. Flabbergasted like a 5 year old who missed several social cues throughout life, to myself, I was like “what, you want to be my friend”, and awhile later, start screaming to myself, “they like me, they really like me!”. After the practice was over, everyone present went to go get Mexican food as usual, and talked as if we had known each other forever. From then on, I knew I was hooked.

Once I joined Belegarth, the neon sign fell off. I looked at it, stomped it on the ground, and glided forward. I learned how the bullying stopped once I fully accepted myself. Bullying is very real, and went on for me from about age 3 to age 23 in some form or another. But that’s not going to stop the warrior side from taking over. All of the times I was told to go get em, I told myself I needed to rise from the scars of my past, including the ones I have to wear every day. I also needed to tell myself finding a home in the stars was possible. After an encounter with the magic jester god, he introduced me to the holder of the stars named Kabii. The first time I saw the fellowship of Selonia, once I reached my “official” 1 year anniversary of being in Belegarth, I was welcomed into camp with a giant hug machine, apple pie drink inside of a skull, more food than I can stomach, and 6am ventures of laughing, crying, and seeing the sun come up around a campfire. I was welcomed into the fellowship and plan on placing my turkey stamp and cooking parades this year where my home away from Chicago is, Davenport, Iowa.

After many years, it looks like this program finally runs. Finding your home is actually possible as long as you are willing to keep putting yourself out there with grace and pride. When I ask myself what I could have done to become the black sheep, the answer is nothing. All I did was be myself every time and fight those who try to stop me. For those of you who struggle with being different, you are never alone. Being yourself is something to never be frowned or ridiculed upon, because nowadays, nerd is the new cool! I love being a nerd. Do you?

RIP Robin Williams: Be Mindful of Mental Illness

On August 11, 2014, the genie was released from his lamp for the final time. Robin Williams was quite the character to say the least; he always played the funny guy (or lady) in chart-topping movies such as Aladdin, Jumanji, Mrs. Doubtfire, Flubber, Night at the Museum. Not only was he a movie artist, but he successfully executed numerous performances of hilariousness on the standup stage.

Like many of us who invest our lives inspiring and/or humoring others, there's a possibility of possessing unnoticed severe pain inside your heart. This secret "pain" as society calls it, is depression in the books. To those suffering, when the disease reaches its peak, it feels like we've entered the black hole from hell and are stuck inside forever. All of the love, never-give-ups, and fan mail isn't enough to combat this brutal disease.

Depression is a disease. It may not make our insides deteriorate and our essential organs shut down, but it eats our well-being alive; it makes our minds, souls, and hearts shut down as if they've been ripped to shreds and burned. Some people think mental illness is a phase, all in your head, or even doesn't exist. Others say suicide is giving up, selfish, or even cowardly; in reality, it's not completely the sufferer's choice. Your body is reacting to the desires to free itself from all of the pain and suffering.

After this awful tragedy, people had the nerve to troll his daughter. The media also had the nerve to skew the truth just to gain attention and popularity All they were doing was taking away from what actually happened, which was a beautiful person leaving this world due to mental illness. Plain and simple. Stop over complicating everything, people!

Mental illness is an invisible illness that can become fatal if left untreated. Depression can be caused by chemical imbalances, genetics, situational/environmental factors such as being bullied, and much more. If you see yourself suffering to a point where you can't even function in life anymore, go get help. If you're thinking of killing yourself, there's anonymous lifelines where you can call and talk to someone. They had one of those at the university I attended. At one point, I had to call the hotline on one of my friends after one of his friends committed suicide, which ultimately led to him seeking help. There's even "To Write Love on Her Arms", which is an organization that spreads love to all, connects people to proper treatment, and provides an uplifting environment for spreading the awareness of mental illness.

Getting help is not and should not be a stigma or something "embarrassing". It's the same as going to the doctor if you're sick. I've even needed to seek help at times. The most difficult part of mental illness is admitting you have a problem and going to go take care of it. As soon as you take the first steps, the rest is a recovery battle. When you get help, tell yourself you're worthy of recovery and worthy of returning to the light again. Sometimes, all it takes is a push from one person.

From one star ending their life to another, to reduce the occurrence of suicide, admitting you need help or have a problem is not a display weakness. The desire to make yourself well again is a display of courage and strength. You can triumph through your worst nightmare. I believe in you!