Blue Lights on Hearts

TRIGGER WARNING → Sensitive subject alert on sexual assault and rape culture -- This is my sexual assault story (also being shared at one of my shows)! Feel free to share!

Dear beautiful universe,

It is almost Valentine’s Day and I have had yet another “red face incident” with a man, which triggered a body shutdown. I went over to “my friend’s house” to go pick up some sandwiches and maybe chill for a little bit. I’ve always been wary about this guy and I’ve been red flagging him for awhile, but this time was no different. I didn’t expect him to go as far as he did this time though. We were in his TV room sitting on the couch casually talking and having an intelligent conversation about the state of the world; who doesn’t like intelligent conversation? I’m usually the one to ramble in people’s conversations and I was starting to fall asleep at him rambling to me, granted it was past midnight at that point. I picked up my sandwiches and he wanted to “give me a hug”. Ok, well, I like hugs and can use one, so sure why not. He then gives me a hug and proceeds to sound like the hugs are turning him on; through his arm I almost wish he saw the faces of disgust I was making. When I start to feel uncomfortable, I exit the hug to cough, even though I didn’t “actually” have to cough. He then wants to hug me again; same result happens. This time, his hands started to slip during the hug. He was sounding like he was turned on and his hands “really slipped” a little bit too low. My body went into “shut down mode”, which means my brain disconnects from the sensation in my body. I can still move and feel my limbs, but I mentally feel very numb. Also, it almost feels like I’m having a “negative version of an adrenaline rush”. Something rushes down my spine, but it feels like I’m having a chill go down my spine and an adrenaline rush at the same time. I fake coughed my way out of the hug again, gathered my sandwiches, and checked my phone. Since lying has unfortunately been my defense mechanism to escape danger, after checking my phone, I told him I had to go pick up my friend from work. He wanted to hug me again and I was like, “well ok fine I guess” and did so to avoid awkwardness. He then proceeded to do a “butt grab” as a “funny joke”. I exited the hug, left, facepalmed myself on the area next to the elevator buttons, walked back to my car, and called my roommates… I give hugs out of exchange for love, are platonic only, and have no sexual intent. I guess people like to assume sexual intent with more than they should. They are disobeying the four agreements to not make assumptions.

I’m sorry I’m not sorry, but “butt grabs”, unless you’re my partner or one of my best friends joking around where I know you’re joking, I am NOT OK with you doing that… I’m sure plenty of others would agree with me. I am not being too sensitive. I value and protect my body and share it only with those I strongly trust. I’ve always had an aversion to butt grabs and even tickling for most of my life and it was recently affirmed when I was in a relationship with my last boyfriend. He helped me communicate with my twin sister a lot and there was something I had been wondering for awhile about how my parents treated me. When I was younger and even as an adult, my dad would always try to tickle me and chase me up the stairs trying to “spank me” as a funny joke. When I was younger I may have thought it was entertaining, but when I grew older, I started to question the behavior. I later realized I would start to try to stick my hands behind me to defend my butt whenever he would try to do that. After the very last time he did that, I asked my boyfriend at the time to help me find out if he did the same thing to my sister. Of course he didn’t; I was not surprised. Part of me sometimes wonders what I’ve done to warrant this behavior from other people, and the answer is nothing.

After I broke up with my last boyfriend at the end of July, I have wanted to stay single for awhile to develop a better relationship with myself. Plus, I’m not ready to settle down yet. I’m still in my 20s and want to go on adventures without being tied down to anyone. I’m also in the process of starting the next chapter in my career and don’t have time for a relationship. I wish people didn’t always assume my kindness to mean more than it really does. I went to a concert at the end of November prior to going to Iowa and I was with my sister and some of her friends. After the concert, they went home and I had plenty more midnight oil in me. I know going to bars alone at 2:30am in Chicago as a 5’2 woman with a fit build when not sober is probably a horrible idea. Consciously, I went to the Green Mill to try to find some people to socialize with, found no one, and went to the Uptown Lounge, found no one again, and told myself if I don’t find anyone at the Green Mill to talk to on take 2, I’m going to home. I go to the Green Mill a second time and am eventually approached by a man who looks to be around my age and was a tall, slim black man, and his foreign exchange student friend from Denmark. We talked for awhile and ended up going back to their apartment to chill. On the walk back, the foreign exchange student friend began acting belligerent and begging to hook up with me. We arrive at the apartment complex that looked like a “very run down college dorm building” in the “not so nice” area in Uptown. The foreign exchange student keeps asking me to hook up and wants to cuddle and I tell him no, politely, several times. The slim black man told me it was “a part of their culture” to do that. The foreign exchange student was sent to bed and then the other friend kept wanting to hook up with me too. All I wanted to do is make new friends because I’m tired of staying in and working my butt off all the time. The slim black man then proceeded to want to cuddle with me and I was like, “dude, I can’t” and he kept asking me “why not” and I was very up front, “I was sexually assaulted recently and am still very traumatized, I’m sorry”. He continued to keep asking and I continued to say no. I then excused myself to the bathroom and proceeded to take the slowest number 2 ever; I *really* took my time. It was almost 6am at this point. I was also trying to hold back tears and having an anxiety attack because I felt very unsafe. I finally feel ready to exit the bathroom, about 30 minutes later, and the slim black man was passed out on the couch. I thankfully didn’t have many of my belongings on me and grabbed my shoes, made sure I had all of my stuff, and ninja-ed out the door to make my escape back home. I then cried for 7 hours straight and eventually gathered enough strength to go help run an event, knowing I’d be surrounded by my “hug machine” and sends me to a very happy place!

Not only that, but I can’t even go to my favorite place in the world without having to worry about men creeping on me. I was at my “home base” camping with my friends back in August, 2015, this was the first of the incidents to start a fire among the general concept of rape culture. It was about midnight-1am on Friday night going into Saturday and I had recently arrived at my campsite and was ready to greet my friends. By the time it was midnight-1am, all of us were far from sober; I was still coherent of course, but rather intoxicated. I’m in a circle of about 4 other people, all are my friends, and one of them casually asks me to sit on his lap. I knew he had a girlfriend, I sit on my friend’s laps all the time just for fun with no meaning behind it, and there were other people around. I sat on his lap. We were all talking per usual and all of a sudden the guy’s hand starts to go down my skirt… down, and down, and down, and then my body shut down. After that happened, I prompted our group to go for a walk towards the main area where a big glob of people are. I pull one of my friends aside and told him to keep that guy from wanting to make any moves on me and from creeping on me. I continued my epic night of fun and shenanigans not really realizing what happened to me. I carry through the rest of my camping trip as usual and go home on Sunday to pass out in exhaustion. I wake up Monday morning and have an uneasy feeling in my stomach and I text my friend Danny telling him what happened. He felt all of the super nopes and told the event coordinators. Since I’m friends with the event coordinators, the main event coordinator asked me if I wanted this guy to get banned from the event in the future. I had a fear of retaliation, but a few hours later decided to let my friend go through with punishing this man. The rest of the community took notice and he was banned from everything and vanished. As a result of this incident and now that the community was woken up to the fact that rape culture is everywhere, a few kind souls decided to step up and make a “safety and security group” to prevent this type of thing from happening as much as possible, as well as to keep event goers safe and less fearful of “red face people”.

In the end, getting violated by men consistently FUCKING SUCKS, not going to lie! At least traumatic incidents seem to level up my creative endeavors! Even though these incidents happened, like anything else, I must accept it, acknowledge it, move forward, and free myself of pain through yoga, meditation, or whatever else. It takes a lot of strength to get back up repeatedly… Let's take a stand and find a way to make sure no one I know has to go through this or can stand stronger afterwards!

For all you single ladies (or men), go dance around in your living room like Beyonce without a ring on your finger and go celebrate yourself. We are human. We are strong. We are resilient. We can overcome pain and keep going. It is Valentine’s Day weekend. It is a time to spread love regardless of whether or not you have a romantic partner. Instead of being all “Anti Valentine’s Day” and bitter for being single, go treat yourself instead and give a hug to all of your friends. Commit to loving yourself and sit in a hot tub for 30 minutes telling yourself you’re beautiful, Say hi to the freezing homeless man on the street or even smile. A Valentine is a heart, which is the universal symbol for love. How will you spread joy during this Hallmark Holiday?