Struggle Bus

The struggle is real.
I usually emphasize the desire to thrive,
But now I yearn for the drive to survive.

Fight or flight mode hath been engaged,
As I try not to become enraged.
The only thing keeping me alive is getting high,
But now I understand what being poor feels like; I empathize.

I'm rich in ideas, connections, and will, but lack the currency;
I must get it with utmost urgency...

So this is what being an animal feels like.
The only person you can count on is yourself.
I may be surrounded by a pack,
But no one else has got my back;
The only way to win the battle is to win alone.
It is time to adventure some more into the great unknown!
All while living on a prayer!

Recipe for Enhanced Ramen 3: Kicked Soy Fishy Flavor Noodles

The cheap gourmet at its finest! I used:

1 pack of Chicken Tortilla Ramen
1 minced clove of garlic
1/4 tsp salt
1/4 tsp pepper
3 tbsp low sodium soy sauce
1/2 tsp fish sauce
1/4 tsp freeze dried chives
1/2 tsp onion powder

Fill a medium sized pot with water and boil it: place the noodles in the pot and cook until al dente (about 3min); strain 90 percent of the water out of the pot and put back over a light flame; pour the seasoning packet and the spices/sauces into the pot; stir until noodles are warm and enjoy! This isn't the healthiest or most unhealthy thing out there but it only cost me 25 cents for the Ramen packet!

The Option Was Clear: You Are Worthy of Not Comparing Yourself to Others

The option was clear that it is time to be a free, independent woman. Free of ties holding me down, free of a career with no destiny, and the freedom to express myself as I please.

I’ve written several stories, poems, motivational whatnots, and then some, about not doubting myself, but I’ve had a bunch of trouble implementing them due to some past misadventures and traumatic situations, but what I’ve learned through my more recent endeavors is how success isn’t some magical destination point you pick on a map. Success isn’t sitting in a high-paying job ready to bang your head against the wall thinking you’re going nowhere. Success also isn’t having a picket fence lifestyle with prince charming and a bagillion dollars, though both of those would be nice.

Lately, Facebook has liked to inform me how this person had a baby and that person got engaged. I even just found out my twin sister is moving in with her boyfriend. Meanwhile, I’m single as fuck and proud. I’m still in my young mid 20’s and I’m not ready to settle down yet. I may not have a sleep schedule either… I can drive for Uber at “buttfuck o’clock” in the morning and no one to scorn me for being gone. I can attend an open mic nite or performance without someone wondering why I’m not spending 24/7 with them while I have a job and a life. I especially don’t have someone telling me indirectly it’s not ok to go camping with my friends, go to my karate classes, or how I’m never a good enough partner. That was basically the dynamic of my last relationship with “Voldemort” for 10.5 months. Once the relationship was over, I questioned my worth, which was already in question in my head due to many “not so good” relationships with my blood family. When faced with traumatic adversity, you have to condition your brain to see light to tell yourself “you are good enough”. For me, in order to attain as positive of an outlook towards myself as I can, I make sure to surround myself by people who will still be there for me, even when I feel like absolute poopie, and look for every opportunity possible to better myself. On August 13, 2016, I participated in a local talent show in Humboldt Park, Chicago, as a flow artist (“dancer”) and won first place in the adult division. My prize of loveliness was 2 tickets to a Steppenwolf Theater show and 2 tickets to the Chicago Symphony Orchestra in super good seats. After I found out I won, I was in disbelief, but told myself I’m worthy of accomplishments and winning talent shows. I am also worthy of my own creative creations of my own unique style being “good enough”. I’m still not quite in the mood to start dating again, but that’s ok, I can take 1 roommate friend as my date to the play and the other roommate friend as my date to the orchestra, both very attractive gay men! Problem solved! I’d rather be single than in a relationship that’s pulling me down. I will keep doing my best to ignore people’s Facebook bragging. I also need to tell myself I’m worthy of meeting a “real man”, as well as I am worthy of having real friends.

In the adventures of the recent college graduate and “adulting”, what else is important besides friends and relationships? My career. I’ve also told this story 18,000 times, but long story short, I got a nice shiny job right out of school as a Web Developer using my degree, I had bad manager syndrome and didn’t fit into the company, wasn’t around any peers, and was riding the fail train since day 1. I was on 2 separate teams, where the second team’s ship sank faster for me. It reached a point where it was either jump out the window with a parachute or be caught in the fire. I of course chose the parachute; on January 29, 2016, I walked into corporate desk job land for the last time. Now, I’m free from walking into work with the weight of the failure on my shoulders and happily serving as “Your Friendly Neighborhood Uber Driver” with a side of freelance gigs and however else I can scrape money. Now, I’m trying to figure out what to do next. At least for now, I’m still making money and able to pay my bills. I may have failed miserably at my job and had 0 success with what my job description told me to do, but I was able to take soft skill training classes, learn how businesses work, and get to attend an 800 dollar transformational leadership weekend seminar I didn’t have to pay for. There’s always something positive, even in the worst of situations.

SInce it’s Olympics o’clock, I sometimes watch the games with the roommate friends, as well as see results, motivational quotes, and more all over the interwebs. Especially with being an identical twin, I inadvertently catch myself comparing myself to others. I see people all over my Facebook news feed and these olympic athletes realizing their dreams. One of my biggest dreams is for content on one of my websites, blogs, or Youtube videos to go viral, thus, I would be a star. However, since stardom in any sort is incredibly difficult to attain, I need to be proud of myself for smaller milestones leading up to the ultimate goal. While driving for Uber, a lot of people ask me if I have other jobs/endeavors I’m pursuing in the meantime. I tell them about my dreams to go viral, my performance endeavors, my freelance gigs, and my uncertainty of continuing to pursue the field I studied in school. A lot of my passengers provide me with reassurance (as well as my dearest friends) of my personal goodness, which motivates me not to give up through adversity. I’ve received compliments on my quirkiness, which I sometimes fear is “too much” for others to handle as well.

I have to keep telling myself I’m worthy of accomplishments, having real friends, and having my creativity be worth something. Sometimes, I have to bash it through my head 8 million times to tell myself “I am good enough”. As long as I continue to shower myself and surround myself with positivity and not give up, the goal line will be able to be attained!

Light Shrimp DeJohnge Recipe

A lighter version of my favorite dish my mom made for me (which is usually made with a boatload of butter and bread)!

1 pound shrimp, de-vined and de-tailed
6 tbsp olive oil
1 tsp minced garlic (or 2 garlic cloves)
¼ cup sherry white wine
1 chopped green onion (put half of it to the side)
¼ tsp cayenne pepper
¼ tsp paprika
1 tbsp parsley
½ tsp garlic powder
¼ tsp thyme
¼ tsp tarragon
1 tbsp lemon juice (to drizzle on the shrimp at the end)
½ cup seasoned panko crumbs (take 2 tbsp and put it to the side)
½ tsp salt
½ tsp pepper

Heat the oven to 350 degrees. Use a large casserole dish (1-1.5 quart). Spray it with cooking spray. Put the shrimp in the dish. Place the olive oil, garlic cloves, white wine, ½ of the green onion, the spices, the salt and pepper, and the panko crumbs not put off to the side and put them in the blender. Pulse until all ingredients are mixed together. Pour over the shrimp. Put the green onions and panko crumbs that were off to the side on top of the shrimp. Pour the lemon juice on top of that. Place the casserole dish into the oven for 20-25minutes or until the top is golden brown. Garnish with a lemon wedge and parsley and enjoy!

Optional: Serve over spinach

Making Your Mark in Light Trails

In the beginning of 2014, one of my friends told me how he did this thing called “gloving” at raves. As fascinated as I was by this concept he described to me, about a month later, I attended an anime convention, ACEN, and saw vendors selling these light up LED gloves and bought a pair for 20 dollars. Shortly after ACEN, I began experimenting with this “gloving” thing, dancing aimlessly in my room, looking in the mirror, and trying to move my hands around to make cool light trails. This lasted for about a year or so, until my same friend told me about a company that sold better quality gloves, emazinglights.com. About 40 dollars later, I was the proud owner of my first real pair of gloves.

One of my biggest dreams is to have one of my products (blogs, websites, or youtube channel) go viral. I had a golden idea to one day record myself dancing around with my gloves to the song “Decisions” by “Bogore”, an electronic dance music artist, while wearing my karate uniform. A couple months later, while bored at my last job in a grey box, I was randomly curious if there was a community in Chicago for this type of thing. Surely enough, it didn’t take long to find one thanks to Facebook. I watched some youtube videos to get a better idea of what this “gloving” thing was; it required intricate hand, arm, and finger movements in specific patterns. In the youtube videos I watched, I noticed people were only showing their performances from the waist up, but something about that didn’t feel right; my creative mind told me to use my whole body with the gloves as the star. The more I watched youtube videos and tutorials, the more I noticed top glovers using their entire bodies in shows. A video that stood out to me, which I watched while bored at work, was a video of a very attractive man in a dance studio with this thing called an orbit. Looking at that video, I instantly gravitated towards the orbit and bought one from Emazinglights.

Me and dancing have had an interesting relationship over the years. I only took dance lessons when I was 4 and quit basically right away, but for some reason, at ages 8 and 9 when I went to theater camp, I was assigned more dance intensive roles instead of lines and singing. A year after that, my martial arts career began. Whenever I’d go to bar and bat mitzvahs and there would be dance offs as a teenager, I’d often win. During college, my sorority participated in a philanthropy dance contest as a group, which I did every year I was in the sorority. Unfortunately, when a “certain someone” made fun of me for dancing, my confidence went down the toilet… until I decided to invent my own style of dance with the help of youtube tutorials. I also saw a video where someone used their gloves and orbit together and adopted the idea into my dance routines. Once I became comfortable enough, I began trying to see if I can take this to the stage. Luckily, a group named “Dramageddon” accepted one of my videos as an audition and I got to perform with them 3 times. I am still looking for more opportunities!

I also like to perform in local “Got Talent” shows, as it is another dream of mine to be on America’s Got Talent. I’ve done a few local talent shows as a storyteller, but continue to lose to singers (and dancers). I’ve always wanted to do something different for a talent show, as opposed to “doing what everyone else does”. If the audience wants singing and dancing, they’ll get singing and dancing. With these LED light gloves and this LED light orbit, I will make my mark in this world, as well as beat out the singers, one glimmer of light at a time!