Red Face Family

Survey says you have a greater chance of developing mental health illness and drug abuse issues from having a poor relationship with your original family.

To them, I was never enough.

To me, my self esteem has always been flushed down the toilet.

To handle their pain, my parental units like to explode or repress, causing them to argue all the time, them to be sick with stress-induced illnesses, and/or cause mayhem to everyone.

The moment the pain was too much, I knew I needed to remove myself from the family unit and create a new story, but I have no means to do so…

Money has always been a source of strife… 

College never taught money 101 as a general education or freshman course.

I had to learn about money the hard way via fucking up and ending up on the very bottom, bankrupt and broke!

My family always tells me they wish they could help me, but too bad,

I love you, but *insert something negative here*

I wish you were someone/somewhere else in life

We want the best for you, but we can’t do anything…

My therapist thinks they want to help, but I feel like they are focused on the negative energy of their lives and don’t have the resources to help anyone at the moment, including the children they decided to bring into this world.

My family always stressed independence since they never had parents involved in their lives due to early death/their parents leaving the family.

We are social beings and can’t do everything on our own.

If some people can, that’s great, but I don’t think that lifestyle is meant for everyone!

The lack of safe space to be able to deal with emotion caused a great deal of being behind as an adult, as well as a slew of issues that followed me throughout my life and are still causing problems to this day.

I don't want to be sad all the time and started turning to weed daily at 22...

My parents never really talked about sex; I had multiple issues with men.

Seeing my parent’s relationship makes me feel like they never have sex.

My parents only express their feelings to each other by spewing negativity or yelling at each other.

Now I don’t know how to communicate to others when I have a problem because I never learned how to properly do that as a child. I have a multitude of issues maintaining healthy relationships with peers, romantic partners, and managers at work due to fear, which I am slowly but surely overcoming.

At age 25, I was diagnosed with bipolar disorder among a long list of other things and at 27 I was forced to re enter the warzone I swore I’d never go back to ever again until I lost everything. Now I need to re find myself because my true self is located outside these walls.

I may be stuck inside this cage for now, but either I will find the key or someone will bring me the key because this life I am living is just a mere existence. A pet with feelings and a voice. I am better than that and shall prevail! For now, I will find a flashlight to illuminate this darkness!

Kill 'em With Kindness

If someone gave you the world and said it was in your hands now what would you do?
In a world where evil prevails and kindness can send you back to start, taking control of your life can be difficult.
With multiple goals in mind and many blockades in play, how does one win the game?

I feel like I keep writing the same thing over and over again in a different iteration each time.
It’s time to change my story, but how?
To be able to change the world, you need to set yourself up on a path that enables you to have the space to give to others while still being able to help yourself,
But sometimes you need more than 1 set of hands to make your world go round.

We are meant to be social beings; it’s ok to need help!
Kindness makes more pleasure than pain; keep being kind and your support window will grow!
The more support, the bigger and more powerful your life feels.
You can feel like you’re losing when alone until someone throws you a bone!
When you are kind, you are not alone!
So why not use kindness as a weapon instead of hate?

Waterfall

My therapist keeps telling me to trust my fam, but I feel like certain recurring events make me want to keep backing away. How much farther away can I go? I want to send my love to them, but a voice in my head keeps telling me something isn't right.

I want to love my loved ones, but do I even love myself? I do enough to be able to present videos in public... behind the shadows... hiding my heart only for me to see... unless you look deeply within. And even then, my heart is covered with tar. Do you want to help me clean it off or will I just continue to wither away...

The waterfall continues...