Bye Bye Base

My childhood house is not a home;
It is the shelter above my head and nothing else.

What is home?
Home is a dwelling place with benefits
Like when you’re playing tag as a child and holding onto the pole at the park deemed as “base”

Base is the only place you’re supposed to fully be safe and immune to harm in the game

Now imagine “base” being removed from tag.
You would be running around endlessly struggling to find freedom until either the round ended or you got a game over…

My home life has never been a positive experience.
The atmosphere is clouded with the spirit of Debbie Downer with a  side of infinite stress and my parents fighting all the time.
I feel like I’m tiptoeing on lit coals with criticism in the background disguised as love being force fed into my mouth.

I’m on a mission to find my voice;
Every time I speak a barrier seems to deflect my purpose and overtake my belonging…

Visions in my head sound off to search for direction but have led me to hell and back

Nowhere feels safe anymore;
What is privacy anyway?

My room and car are subject to search even behind locked doors;
The negative energy overtakes the entire space…

Every waking moment feels like a fight against the shadow monsters with your secret weapon being disabled.
Sadly, it seems like the only way to win the battle is to teach myself to fly and flee to find the escape rope to my freedom…

What would you do if your home was the enemy?

Chill the Fuck Out

I’m not ok
The spirits in my heart are trying to take over
Where is the bay?
It’s all over the place…

Nothing makes sense anymore
As I’m trying to escape through the dark depths of hell
What do I do?
I can ward off the demons and chill.

Relax!
Before you fall on over
For the demon to take over
Why must it be me?
There’s a reason for that
Take a deep breath
And make sure to release the warrior inside!

Still hanging in there
Before I get even sicker
I don’t need a doctor
I need a miracle and a prayer
What I can’t see
Is where I need to be
Before the ship sets sail without me…

Take a deep breath
Before you fall on over
For the demon to take over
Why me?
It happens for a reason
Chill the fuck out
And make sure to release the evil inside!

Damn
What the hell is going gin this lifetime of mine
I hope I’ll be fine
Rest in pieces
Is where I’ll go if I don’t feed myself with love and healing
I need to get the fuck out of here
In order for me to see clear
What do I do?
Where do I go?
Just get up and keep on trying
(and don’t ever give up)

Chill the fuck out
Before you wage a war with the demon inside
Why me?
It happens for a reason
Then why not me?
It’s time to embrace life
Everything happens for a reason
You need to make sure to please yourself
So take a deep breath
And be are to release the beast inside!

Take a deep breath
And chill the fuck out
Take a deep breath
And chill the fuck out
Take a deep breath
And chill the fuck out
(and don’t ever give up)

The Lone Shining Light

I want to be happy, I promise!
Though I have never felt more alone in my entire life… until right now.

It is the holiday season right now and all I want to do is work or do something productive.
Part of me feels like I have nothing to celebrate,
While the rest of me doesn’t have a safe place to go to celebrate.
Might as well throw a dinner and trip to the arcade party, party of 1.

Tis the time to be with other people.
During the time I need it most,
You find out how selfish humankind really is.

I don’t mean to be salty,
But my tears taste that way…

Joy seems to be somewhere yonder,
Even though survey says you’re not supposed to seek it out.

I feel so full of energy
With the pain buried down below.

In order to fully shine, you need to fill your own cup.

One of my tables at work a few days ago asked me how I was doing.
I said I was fine with a smile and they immediately called my bullshit.
I replied by saying I was fine in the present moment, which was true, and gracefully walked away like all the people in my life seem to be doing right now.

My pain translated itself into illness, which causes people to disappear with haste.

If the ultimate goal is to spread light, how can you do so when the light is dim?
Illuminate the black, of course.

What if you are the black?

If creatively sorting my thoughts and drawing it onto a notepad is the only way to get people to listen, so be it.

I will continue spreading as much light as I can in this crazy life I am grateful for having.

Learning to be alone is a skill.

One of these days, I will figure out how to touch the stars,
But someone else has the key.
In that case, I’ll go to the moon instead!