After my college years, I transformed from the black sheep to the pink wolf as a young lady searching for my identity.
I feel like I don’t mention this too much anymore, but I’m an identical twin. I finally found my identity just before turning 21 when I went to Israel in January, 2012. I attended a Jewish group trip called “Birthright” for about 2 weeks with my sister. We were basically attached at the hip our entire lives, but I began separating from my sister because she convinced her crew to dislike me; I decided to not deal with it anymore. When we went to the Western Wall, I put my entire body against the small section of the wall reserved for women. I cried to God, praying I would be able to reveal what I masked my entire life.
Prior to the trip, in college, I served as the secretary of the IT department club during my junior year and reached a point of almost quitting the club. After the trip, two months later, I knew I had a laundry list of club-improvement ideas and ultimately decided to run for president. To my confidence-lacking disbelief, I won the election to serve as president for my senior year. My sister didn’t attend any meetings during my term as president. This was the first time when people began to see me as “Rebecca” and didn’t even know I had a twin, despite having the same major and attending the same school. No more being called “Duxler”, “Duxlers”, “Dux”, “Dux Trux”, “Duxler Twins”, anything else associated with my last name, and my favorite, “Rachel”. No more feeling like I was stuck under my sister’s shadow. I was finally liberated and could start being myself without fear of ridicule.
During my term as club president, I excelled, began getting noticed in the department as a standout, and even won some scholarships and awards along the way. On my last day of finals second semester senior year, I was given advice on how to handle finding my identity, how to attract people while being different, and how to survive living at home again post-graduation from a 37 year-old marine veteran. From that point on, the old me began to vanish.
After my commencement ceremony a couple days later, I had to move back home; my extracurricular involvement ceased due to school ending. Sadness struck. My only escapes were going to work, going home and sitting in my car to cry, or sitting in my room alone crying myself to sleep most of the time no thanks to the hostile environment from my parents. I was always the target of bullying from my immediate family, as well as some of my relatives. I was called fat all the time because I graduated college with some extra weight. I was put down and criticized for any existing reason. Anything my parents couldn’t take responsibility for, ranging from my dad’s ulcerative colitis flare-ups to misplaced car keys was my fault. I felt like my best friend was my laptop. This was the second most depressed I had been in my entire life.
Thankfully, my friend Josh was a lifeline to me. Around July 4, 2013 I asked him for advice on how to get out of this rut. He tells me, “hey I’m interning in the suburbs, you should come to my medieval combat club called “Belegarth” with me.” Without hesitation, I accepted his offer. I showed up in my work out clothes, was handed a foam sword and shield, and made my attempts to go fight. I did well on the field for my first practice ever and people were actually treating me well. After practice, we went to El Faro, some taco/Mexican food restaurant, to all hang out together. After Josh drove me back to my car, my heart told me this was something I would invest much of my time in… without my sister. My sister had always wanted to do activities separate from me. This time, it was my turn to make the separation call.
Fast forward to October, 2013, I went camping with Belegarth for the first time. Belegarth camping trips are called “events”, which generally last for a weekend or more. After getting a spear to the face during one of the line fights, the spearman apologized to me. Oddly enough, we realized we knew each other indirectly from high school fencing; he introduced me to his practice leaders, one of them being a man named Danny. Danny and I chatted for awhile and I would later grasp his initial reputation as someone who was super helpful and could fix physical ailments.
Around Thanksgiving that year, I asked for advice on how to handle more family abuse when I ran into him at a practice; he told me he was a holistic doctor, owned his own practice, and handed me a business card. We exchanged numbers, and I called his office the next day.
After being under his wing for about a year, I lost 60 pounds, my depression and anxiety weren’t overtaking me anymore, I sustained being able to live on my own, I finally fell in love, and I realized how wonderful Belegarth people truly are. Not only is Belegarth a place of healing for me, it is a place where I can be my whole self, be free from traumatic scenarios, truly realize my identity, and even dig deeper into the martial arts side of me.
Another very memorable Belegarth moment was actually off the field. Given my history of being bullied, at one of my camping events, I randomly encountered a lovely man named Chris at night. After talking to him, he told me he was surprised I was ever bullied. His compliment moved me to tears, and now he is one of my dearest friends in Belegarth. To top it off, instead of people wanting to avoid me or pick on me, they are trying to find me on Facebook and hang out with me. People actually want to be my friend for who I am. Thank you Belegarth for being oh so sacred to me and for helping me transform from the black sheep who got picked on all the time to the pink wolf, my lovely and quirky-warrior self. Now, I’m just me, and that’s how I’ll always be!
I feel like I don’t mention this too much anymore, but I’m an identical twin. I finally found my identity just before turning 21 when I went to Israel in January, 2012. I attended a Jewish group trip called “Birthright” for about 2 weeks with my sister. We were basically attached at the hip our entire lives, but I began separating from my sister because she convinced her crew to dislike me; I decided to not deal with it anymore. When we went to the Western Wall, I put my entire body against the small section of the wall reserved for women. I cried to God, praying I would be able to reveal what I masked my entire life.
Prior to the trip, in college, I served as the secretary of the IT department club during my junior year and reached a point of almost quitting the club. After the trip, two months later, I knew I had a laundry list of club-improvement ideas and ultimately decided to run for president. To my confidence-lacking disbelief, I won the election to serve as president for my senior year. My sister didn’t attend any meetings during my term as president. This was the first time when people began to see me as “Rebecca” and didn’t even know I had a twin, despite having the same major and attending the same school. No more being called “Duxler”, “Duxlers”, “Dux”, “Dux Trux”, “Duxler Twins”, anything else associated with my last name, and my favorite, “Rachel”. No more feeling like I was stuck under my sister’s shadow. I was finally liberated and could start being myself without fear of ridicule.
During my term as club president, I excelled, began getting noticed in the department as a standout, and even won some scholarships and awards along the way. On my last day of finals second semester senior year, I was given advice on how to handle finding my identity, how to attract people while being different, and how to survive living at home again post-graduation from a 37 year-old marine veteran. From that point on, the old me began to vanish.
After my commencement ceremony a couple days later, I had to move back home; my extracurricular involvement ceased due to school ending. Sadness struck. My only escapes were going to work, going home and sitting in my car to cry, or sitting in my room alone crying myself to sleep most of the time no thanks to the hostile environment from my parents. I was always the target of bullying from my immediate family, as well as some of my relatives. I was called fat all the time because I graduated college with some extra weight. I was put down and criticized for any existing reason. Anything my parents couldn’t take responsibility for, ranging from my dad’s ulcerative colitis flare-ups to misplaced car keys was my fault. I felt like my best friend was my laptop. This was the second most depressed I had been in my entire life.
Thankfully, my friend Josh was a lifeline to me. Around July 4, 2013 I asked him for advice on how to get out of this rut. He tells me, “hey I’m interning in the suburbs, you should come to my medieval combat club called “Belegarth” with me.” Without hesitation, I accepted his offer. I showed up in my work out clothes, was handed a foam sword and shield, and made my attempts to go fight. I did well on the field for my first practice ever and people were actually treating me well. After practice, we went to El Faro, some taco/Mexican food restaurant, to all hang out together. After Josh drove me back to my car, my heart told me this was something I would invest much of my time in… without my sister. My sister had always wanted to do activities separate from me. This time, it was my turn to make the separation call.
Fast forward to October, 2013, I went camping with Belegarth for the first time. Belegarth camping trips are called “events”, which generally last for a weekend or more. After getting a spear to the face during one of the line fights, the spearman apologized to me. Oddly enough, we realized we knew each other indirectly from high school fencing; he introduced me to his practice leaders, one of them being a man named Danny. Danny and I chatted for awhile and I would later grasp his initial reputation as someone who was super helpful and could fix physical ailments.
Around Thanksgiving that year, I asked for advice on how to handle more family abuse when I ran into him at a practice; he told me he was a holistic doctor, owned his own practice, and handed me a business card. We exchanged numbers, and I called his office the next day.
After being under his wing for about a year, I lost 60 pounds, my depression and anxiety weren’t overtaking me anymore, I sustained being able to live on my own, I finally fell in love, and I realized how wonderful Belegarth people truly are. Not only is Belegarth a place of healing for me, it is a place where I can be my whole self, be free from traumatic scenarios, truly realize my identity, and even dig deeper into the martial arts side of me.
Another very memorable Belegarth moment was actually off the field. Given my history of being bullied, at one of my camping events, I randomly encountered a lovely man named Chris at night. After talking to him, he told me he was surprised I was ever bullied. His compliment moved me to tears, and now he is one of my dearest friends in Belegarth. To top it off, instead of people wanting to avoid me or pick on me, they are trying to find me on Facebook and hang out with me. People actually want to be my friend for who I am. Thank you Belegarth for being oh so sacred to me and for helping me transform from the black sheep who got picked on all the time to the pink wolf, my lovely and quirky-warrior self. Now, I’m just me, and that’s how I’ll always be!
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