Weddingriffic Misadventures

Just to preface, I am not and have never been married or engaged... or in a relationship that's lasted longer than a year.

So many people around me are getting married, having kids, moving in with their partners, getting dogs, and settling down; here I am, super single, driving for Uber at insane hours, and trying to figure out what I want to do with the rest of my life. Social media likes to flaunt how picture perfect people’s lives are, especially at peak events. I haven’t been to too many weddings, but unfortunately, the ones I’ve been to haven’t been for my friends and have been quite the misadventure so far! Most of my only positive wedding adventures have consisted of driving passengers for Uber to weddings or to a place to get ready for the wedding.

None of my dearest friends whom I'm close enough with to be invited to their wedding have been married... well... except one of my friends who I've been friends with since I was in 6th grade. She ended up having an oops baby with a man she met at a Jewish overnight camp in Washington state. The catch is, she grew up in Buffalo Grove (Chicago burbs) and he was one of the counselors from Israel. With the baby on the way and them soon getting engaged, they ended up deciding to have their wedding in Israel. Most of my friends are males, so excluding my sister, this would likely have been my only chance to stand up in a wedding (unless she for whatever reason gets married again). Even though I had enough money at the time, I didn't want to attend a wedding where I had little control what I did when I would be spending thousands of dollars to go to Israel... no thanks! Maybe another time!

A year later, I began dating a man who I refer to as "Voldemort" because he was such a jerk bag. He first invited me to a wedding for one of his coworkers 3 weeks after we met. I was like, "um... I haven't known you long enough and don't feel comfortable doing this". About 6 months later, Voldemort was a groomsman in one of my sister's friends weddings and asked me to be his plus one again. I reluctantly decided to go. We drove to Kokomo, Indiana and stayed in a hotel. We stayed at a Motel 6, which wasn't that bad, but not the expensive hotel everyone else stayed at. He was very notorious for starting petty arguments, but he behaved for most of the time. I didn't really know anyone besides my sister, her boyfriend, Voldemort, a couple others I met at the rehearsal dinner, and 1 other person. I proceeded to get comfortably drunk along with some free drinks from the limo since Voldemort was a groomsman. I danced my heart off in my heels and had no care in the world. I even won limbo and proceeded to spin the limbo stick like a staff because I'm a flow artist... even though I was drunk. When the garter toss happened though, I imagined it like the drummer of a rock band tossing his drum sticks or the guitarist tossing his picks. Again, I was still drunk at that point. I caught the garter like I caught a T-shirt tossed by Halestorm (the band) and Voldemort swatted it out of my hand. I was like, "wtf man"; to avoid a further scene, I handed the flowers to a little girl and walked away. Besides for that, the wedding was "aight". I had a food baby from the rehearsal dinner of very much Mexican food and frozen margaritas! Nommity nommity nommity nom!

A year after this wedding, it was time for my cousins to get married. Only this time, I had no plus one and I am not very close with my blood family. I was very close to ditching the wedding completely, but reluctantly decided to go for the free food and open bar. I had an ominous feeling about going and proceeded to pregame pretty hard to take the edge off of everything. I felt very beautiful on the outside and was excited to wear a brand new dress I bought. After the ceremony, my uncle decided to make a "neighborhood friendly comment" of, "oh, you look great" to me and, "oh you look even better" to my sister. After that, I mentally checked out of the wedding and was counting down the hours to go home. I stuffed my face with appetizers and drinks until I had the largest food baby ever. At least I got to feel fancy for a night and eat fancy hotel food that looked like I was eating at a 5 star luxury restaurant. Yay for being able to be classy and pretend to be rich for a night. My mom was showing me off like a display in a China cabinet. As a dancer, I didn't even feel comfortable dancing. I was beyond miserable and no amount of alcohol, food, or other substance could make me feel better. Once dessert was over, I bounced like a ninja and said that, "the alcohol was making me sick", though if I drank anymore I would have been sick. My friends picked me up from the train station after I made my escape and proceeded to comfort me the rest of the night, because my mood was in "black face land", meaning the worst possible mood I could be in. Seeing them was the highlight of my night.

Hopefully the next wedding I attend, which I hope is for one of my friends, I'll be able to ring the bell of joy instead of want to stick my head into my pillow crying. Marriage is supposed to be happy and I can't wait to be at a wedding where I can dance the night away, bring my LED light flow props to mesmerize my friends, and be merry!

Rebs a Rita (Frozen Margarita) Recipe

Also, the Rebs a Rita recipe! The other alcohols can be replaced with shots of tequila instead as well :D

I make my frozen margaritas with:

*3 shots of Tequila (silver)
*3 shots of Triple Sec
*3 shots of Peach Schnapps
*3 shots of lime juice
*2 cups of mixed berries (consisting any sort of raspberries, cranberries, blueberries, blackberries, and strawberries)
*2 cups fruit juice of choice (any kind of blue raspberry juice, berry juice, or berry/lemonade juice recommended)

Lots of love! You'll definitely feel the love, that's forsure ;)

If drink is too watery, add more frozen berries. If drink is too thick and won’t blend, add more juice! Enjoy the tastiness :D

Creepy McCreeperface

Creepy
The antithesis of who I need in my life
Bringing the gross spiders to the table,
Tossing them onto the ground in front of my best friends and I,
Who in turn cringe and run away.

Inside your guts lies the desire to do more than slither on my lap;
You latch onto me, bite, and inject your vicious venom in my heart,
Causing a sharp, lingering pain to ooze throughout my body.

I don’t want you here, you nasty varmin
Go away
Leave me alone
You have no benefit to me except to fulfil your selfish desires;
Chew me up, spit me out, and leave me to be wrapped in other spider webs… and used gum

Creeper McCreeperface
I will squash you like my opponent in a warzone
Just kidding
I’ll use my secret ninja powers, inaudibly scream at how the hell I ended up in this situation again, sneak out the back door when you’re asleep, and run the fuck away!
Bye Bye!