Douse the Despair

After my worst nightmare in my college apartment for my latter two years, referred to as the prime place of learning (because I was in college) and how insanely awful I feel living at home with my parents, I would leave one place of hell and go to the other. My only escape would be to go to class, my activities, go to the library/to study, and go out with my friends. I felt absolutely horrible.

I want to inspire people until the day I die. The recent passing of my friend has made me want to continue this legacy and I also had a friend who has been there for me since my life turned around. I always like to see the good in everything instead of dwelling on what's awful. I looked forward to moving out of my college apartment for about a year and 8 months (getting out was quite refreshing), but moving out of my parents house will be quite liberating!

It is about maintaining optimism through turmoil.

I am also using this for spoken word!

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Inspire

Courage

Integrity

The ideal person wants to carry these core values upon their sleeve

With full force and visibility

Not to try to please the world

But to provide it with more

When that dreaded monster appears

You struggle to withstand its blows and stay true to yourself

Even when your heart is on lockdown

The evil only wants to instill cruelty

While being thirsty for brutality

Only to inflict pain and suffering onto others

Even family…

Suicide

Silence

Sorrow

Praying is all a dream of wishing for more…
You’re scared to a point of panic

Bitter towards being shoved towards the side of hate

While being a prime advocate for love…

The devil struggles to shine through

As a hero marches to the beat of her heart…

Calling her shots

Just like that

She’s winning the game

Holding her own fire

With strength succeeding…

Optimism later struggles to prevail…

A message is thrown in her face with the "Good Riddance" encased in the title bar…

Yearning for closure

Turmoil flies through the air

In not one, but two separate places that should be a home

One with family and one in the prime place of being

She wakes up to a cloud that blooms thunder over her head

To only see the dark and ugly…

With her room the only place to go,

She feels hopeless,

Lost,

Terrified,

Alone

All while living in toxicity…

How disgusting is that?

Nowhere to even land?

The word "if" flies over her head

Forced in someone else's space for years

Or another that is rotting

Living improperly and miserably…

Powerless…

Almost beyond the point of no return

Looking ahead for the day of departure

To douse all of the despair!

Someone takes her under their wings

And tells her how to make a mark,

How to acquire power

And how to succeed!

After feeling like constantly been going back and forth from one side of hell to the other

The knowledge of being triumphant is steadily acquired

And a vast following is magnetized to her movements!

Liberation can successfully douse the despair

Turn frustration into pride,

Turn anger into strength,
And convert negativity into beauty

In order to project these magical words worldwide!

Sunlight Strong

I was sitting in my friend's garage outside as I wrote this. After going outside and getting some fresh air, it made me realize that so many people just sit on their rear end and wait for an opportunity to just come without actually trying to actively seek it. I have also noticed that many people are lazy and unmotivated and sit in their room playing video games or just doing nothing. People should go outside, try something new, and just live. An opportunity will come when you are proactive and go find one on your own!

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The beauties of the outdoors

Forces of nature at your face

Feels divine

You're free at last

Staring at the beaming blue sky

Pulsing in front of you

Providing a sense of pride

Naturally

People want to sit

To not stop and stare at the clouds

No motivation to thrive

Wanting to stay subtly locked in a personal hideaway

Warmth among your blood

The all powerful ahead

Walking forward

Towards the fresh green

Where opportunity lies in the outside world

Adventure onward ahead

Yearn for a fresh change

Actually do and not try

The strength will prevail within

With eyes open wide to a vast outside

Take advantage of the world

Don't always be indecisive about it

Just take a step out the door of normalcy

Into an unknown realm

Free of all fears

With a spread set of wings

And an open heart

Venture through the wind

Feel fulfillment in life

To not fall behind

Be above the rest

Your heart will take you far

Into a mysterious unknown land

Opportunity awaits ahead

As you remain sunlight strong

Teachings and Lessons from Death

I wrote this post in reaction to my best childhood friend who passed away on May 25, 2013. He was my biggest inspiration and the foundation for the rest of my life. I had never lost anyone close to me and these are my opinions on how one should properly cope with the gravity of a hefty loss...

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I know that dying is a part of life, but the true mystery is that you never know when it's going to happen. There are many different ways that people perceive Death, but this is the best way to handle it:

Up until now, during my 22 short years of living, I had never had any real encounters with Death before. I never lost anyone super close to me. I have lost people who lived on my dorm floors and talked to occasionally, had a couple classes with, a couple family members that I wasn't too close with, and even someone in one of my turnabout groups. I even went to a wake for a good friend whose infant son passed away. But never had I lost anyone close to me before. I'd rather learn now than later. It will teach me and provide me with another one of life's experiences.

On May 25, 2013 I lost my childhood best friend who helped me to initially choose my life's path. We got into an argument when I was in high school and things weren't ever the same. I feel like it's a common phenomenon to realize how important someone truly is to you when they're gone. People always have that feeling of "I wish I could have said goodbye" or "I wish I could have told them how I feel" or "I wish I could have rekindled our friendship". Unfortunately, you can't. There are most certainly healthy ways to cope with a heavy loss and optimistic ways to continue to live and love your life.

When someone passes, they may be buried in the ground or have his or her ashes scattered about, but the spirit and legacy will always live on. You can always do something in the person's honor, such as dedicating some kind of personal memorial to them. For example, a school can dedicate a track meet to someone who was active on the track team or the ones who were closest can get a personalized tattoo to remember the loved one or very close friend. Most importantly, even though someone "being there in spirit" isn't the same, it is a healthy way to hold the passed person in your heart forever. Saying a prayer isn't a bad idea either. Mourn the passed person and celebrate their life. It will lighten the mood from the waterfall of tears and room full of sadness.

Your family and friends will be there for you. Alcohol and drugs are not the answer. Those will dilute your problem for a short amount of time and eventually cause your life to spiral out of control. If need be, there is always grief counseling available. One thing to also do is write a lovely letter in remembrance about the person and read it at the funeral. Cry your eyes out and call your best friend to console you and you will feel more at ease.

Death is inevitable and is just another part of the life cycle. Although it's the most terrible thing and it's even worse when the person is young, but it happens and you need to move on from it. You will never forget the person and you can always say hello at the cemetery. Just realize that the person is in a better place and although you can never touch or hear them, but you can feel and sense them.  Most importantly, don't dwell on the past. Take your mistakes and lessons and learn from them for the future. If you messed up or did something you shouldn't have to the person, don't regret it. That will make you more miserable later. Just move on and keep living. That's all you can do. Don't get stuck in a black hole. Move forward. The person will always want the best for you and would be happiest if you lived your life to the fullest.

Don't be afraid you're going to die and keep thinking about Death. You should live your life like you're going to die tomorrow and accomplish as much as you can. Life is short, but live on the edge and don't hold back. Don't let fear consume you. Live in the present and don't take things for granted, especially life. Life is the most precious thing one can have. Take advantage of the world. The world is your canvas. Paint as much as you can upon it and people will see it and become your happy followers and driving force. Take on the world with a smile. Happiness and love are driving forces. Display love to everyone, because who knows, they may one day be gone forever and there is nothing you can do. Believe what you want. Do what you want. Fight adversity and don't be afraid to be the odd one. Just enjoy yourself. Be free. It's better to know that you die happy and fulfilled than miserable and empty! Celebrate life always! Treasure the wonderful gift of life and you will be able to continue marching onward from the tragedy and sorrow. That way, it's never game over for you!

The Team

Something I have been interested in trying to do is work with spoken word poetry. I am working on getting/making a musical background to accompany the pieces I choose for utilizing this style. The reason why I like spoken word so much is because you are able to physically convey the meaning of a poem through your own raw emotions and your voice as opposed to reading words on a paper (or in this case, on a screen). I heard it at my internship one time last summer as a presentation during a banquet and I fell in love with it.

So far, I am going to use this, as well as Lenses for my spoken word endeavors.

I'm also going to start posting the backstories to all of the poems that I post on here from now on in order to give people who read these a better understanding of where I'm coming from when I write.

With this one, it's basically a depiction of someone who knows their identity and is one to challenge society for being different. Their family doesn't accept them, but their friends do. They put up a wall at home to avoid ridicule and try to defend from the attacks. In the end, it's the best decision to remain true to yourself, remain optimistic about the situation, and never give up, despite feeling like you're going to explode!

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Imagine being on a team
Where everyone is supposed to be all for one one for all, right?

Then think of what a family means…
Just think about it…
Always there for each other
Supportive
Loving
Together…

But then you mess up and think you're supposed to be forgiven with some apologies, sugar coating, and politeness, right?

Just picture your family saying "this outfit makes you look fat", or "you're wearing too much eyeshadow today", or "you were texting during the movie"… on a consistent daily basis

It makes me feel like a pink blob in a grey world where it's apparently uncool to unleash your own spirit into the public eye… to make the sadness die… where your team turns a blind eye…

JUST TELL ME, WHAT DID I DO WRONG? WHY DO YOU INSIST IN TREATING ME THIS WAY?

The team turns their backs and walks away into the distant fading shadows…

Am I a black sheep or something?
Being different means you can still be part of a team…
Are you ditching me? HELLO? HELLO?

A family is supposed to be your foundation for who you are, your automatic support system, your everything…
It is a team of people who venture through the clouds and turbulence together while holding hands

The antithesis of a family is your own flesh and blood turning the tides and the blame on you, making you cry all the time… and you wonder why…

In the battlefield, taking punches just to survive without fighting back is not the path one should resort to turning towards
Being yourself is hard enough
But behind the barbed wire, you place a veil over your natural character and reveal a false image that refuses to enter the norm and struggles for acceptance

Slowly unsheathing the veil, the attacks are all coming back…
You put up a shield
Struggling to hold on, the monster wants to break free!

WHO ARE YOU TO GO SLANDERING ME ALL THE TIME? JUST SHUT UP! DO YOU REALIZE HOW DAMAGING THIS IS? *slams door*

Crying for mercy, the team puts up an evil eye and claims it's for the betterment and out of love

IS THIS HOW YOU'RE GOING TO SHOW ME YOU LOVE ME? JUST SAY SOMETHING NICE FOR ONCE!

They laugh and smile in jubilation as if all of your words are just a joke…

Feeling defeated, you sit on your bed and think for a while
Shutting the world away, you take your pile of advice from your closest friends who accept you and begin to read it…

It starts to rain
The display of earthly turbulence begins

Slowly opening the blinds and looking at each drop of rain, reflection stirs up inside
To a clear realization, a rainbow appears, showing the path to your team
Where the brightness of the colors resonates through your tears and calms the monster within

As the rainbow guides you to the goal, you realize that the solo player prevails
Those who are attacked will know how to defend and teach others the art of wisdom
They can showcase the beauty in the world and withstand the brutality in the package

Being the black sheep has benefits that outweigh the costs
But just so you know, nothing is lost
Because the single player can foster imagination
Always seeing the light of day
Can always carry their own way
And most importantly, will never… ever give up!

Stay Strong

When you're stuck inside this lonely pit of despair
Lost without any sort of clue
You may want to stay awhile
But it's scary and dreary

Feeling desperate you're stuck in the mud…

Banging on the door when searching for the great escape
It won't fade away
But the pain and suffering inside
An annoyance like nails on a chalkboard

Let's find a way
To leave it all behind… for good

Sometimes it's hard to leave a place that needs to be damned
You abhor it
If it's your family or so-called friends
Don't ever go thinking that you're not strong enough in the face of adversity

But the strife is a pain

You're as strong as you say you are
Just enter the lion's den
Without swallowing your pride
On someone else's dime!

Keep going
Don't stop
Your heart is in the game
Now stay strong!

Lenses (Revised)

I decided to give this lovely poem a revision. I am highly interested in doing spoken word poetry and this will be the first piece I will use for it. I just need to make some musical background and record myself.

Here's the new and improved version of Lenses:

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Do you see that yellow brick road in front of you? Maybe so. It's just some cliche concept people refer to as following life's rugged pathway. Forget your lenses? They're somewhere. Maybe these lenses are staring at you… or even on that stage in front of you… in a place you are never alone, where you are not looking at the phone or through those bones… when you are at a miserable place that's supposed to be known as home... 

Satisfaction by your side in a world unknown. Such a world, known as music, is more than a mere noise, sound, or rhythm. It's a way of life!

There is no reason to fear a form of self-expression. Piercings, tattoos, hair, clothing… all make up style. It's your own. It's your personal beauty. It can even bring a group closer!

Wherever you may be, you can run into a world of disgrace… Your heart, bulletproof, produces a long string of words that are everyone else's to decipher. All the while, they are yours, hopefully… not just someone else's work fed into your mouth just to achieve popularity. They should be yours to take pride in, not for publicity and fame. They should be a joy that people cherish and not drool over. They should be for you, not to impress anyone except for you… and maybe your crew! But don't get blue...

Nowadays, the true definition of music is to your discretion. These so called "stars" are trying to taint your lenses with fame, fortune, and luck. The lyrics have no depth, they were mass produced, and a true musician would vomit. They are quite catchy, but that's not the point... 

Thankfully, a cover can paint some color to a dull frame. It can give a new image to a tainted lens. It will create a vivid image of life, ranging from girls seeking boyfriends, girls breaking up with their boyfriend, a wife leaving, etc… Or my personal favorite… "my dog died and my tractor broke and my life sucks so I'll drink from a red solo cup" But this image will be from someone else's mind through your lenses…

It is all still of a larger entity, whether for fame, for you, or a smaller audience soon to grow, it is for you. It is from your heart, through your soul, and pulsating through your veins. It's within you. It is about life through your lenses. Whether or not people understand, it's their loss; that is why there are multiple genres. You can go through a hurricane and exit dead or alive. It's all on you!

No matter what you choose, the path you take, the life you live, it's all a choice. People can criticize, hurt, hate, demoralize, but you are still you, no matter what. Don't drive into the deep end of depression, angst, and bittersweet memories. Take pride in life's beauty and mystic wonders. It's life through YOUR lenses. And that's all that really matters...

The Divine Passage Prelude

*****Updated version here!*****

Yes, I am planning on writing a book!!!

I haven't made too many announcements about it, but I FINALLY finished the prelude... took long enough no thanks to school!

I decided to call the book "The Divine Passage" and it is basically about the main character, Maron, who's 25 years old and goes to Israel for 12 days on a trip called "Divine Passage" and how it changed her life. Each day of the trip flashes back to helpful or traumatic events in her life and how they all helped her grow as a person.

This is based on my birthright trip back in 2012. Maron is a codename I usually go by and I like the name a lot. The main characters are based off of family members and off of people who have impacted my life positively or negatively. My parents are unnamed. This is also an advocate for anti bullying/anti abuse and mental health awareness. I hope you enjoy this and what is to come!

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Maron has never been your average 25 year-old woman... and never will be. Growing up in what people perceived to be an ordinary middle class family from Chicago with a happily married mom, dad and twin sister named Monica, all Maron wanted was to be herself and inspire others. Maron and Monica always had very similar interests and hobbies since the day they were born. She never had tons of reliable friends, but was quite sociable. When Maron was in third grade, she began getting noticeably picked on by her classmates at the local grade school. One day, the teacher noticed her consistently crying in class. The teacher eventually pulled her aside and took her to the social worker's office. Although seeing a social worker in grade school had its stigmas, she continued to see the social worker at school weekly, as well as attend biweekly appointments outside of school with her mom. She was picked on from preschool up through fourth grade until her teacher decided to place her in a separate fifth grade class for the first school transition; students in the school district changed schools after fourth grade, after sixth grade, and for high school. A couple months after fifth grade, she felt stable and begged her mom to pull her out of seeing the social worker. Everything was smooth sailing until the beginning of eighth grade, where she began getting picked on once again after Monica and her best friend Kyle decided to skip school one day to go to the arcade in town. The day after she started getting picked on again, after school late at night, she grabbed a knife and lied under the dining room table. Silently crying for about an hour, poking at herself while not penetrating the skin, she ponders about Death.

Prior to eighth grade winter break, Maron and Monica's dad developed stage IV colon cancer; he passed away before their freshman year of high school. Maron's transition to high school was no easy route. She developed severe depression and a loss of her identity, but stubbornly refused to attend counseling. She again feared the stigmas of attending counseling and continued to suffer. In high school, people who went to counseling were considered whacked out in the head, fucked up, lowlife losers. During the second half of freshman year, she developed anxiety and began having infrequent panic attacks. She begged her mom to allow her transfer schools on multiple occasions, but her mom said no each time. While always yearning to have a boyfriend, she picked up writing as a hobby during the second half of freshman year to serve as a proper outlet for her slew of sorrowful emotions. She never felt comfortable showing anyone her writing due to a severely shattered confidence. Maron was never a star athlete, but attempted to try out for sports, such as volleyball, track, and softball… and got cut every single time. Marching band was the one activity she excelled in. During the second half of her sophomore year, her best friend and inspiration passed away from a drug overdose. She blamed herself for possessing a fear of telling him that his drug use was spiraling out of control.

Defending herself and expressing her feelings have always been an issue. Being picked on was the majority of the cause for a lack of self-esteem. The rest was caused by a fearful mentally of everyone blowing situations out of proportion and shooting her down. With an even greater loss of confidence, the bullies were winning. During her junior year, she began finding a passion for developing websites and offering advice to people. She truly wanted to make a difference and decided to apply to be a student social worker and a freshman mentor. Shortly after, she received rejection letters for both positions. Her confidence was regressing even more. Even worse, she began to notice that her friends were completely fake to her. Even worse, she noticed that the random acts of having trays put into her bag, her pickles stolen, and being called names were bullying and not just being humorous. To top it off, the day after she received the rejection letters, her grandma was in a horrible car accident and passed away. The next day, during lunch, she had her first public panic attack, but was lucky enough to run upstairs to a band practice room so no one saw anymore of the panic attack. The following day after that, which was fortunately a Saturday, at about 3am, she walked across the street to the local park and headed over to the train tracks to give up on life. She lied on the tracks for about 2 hours. No train ever came and she left and got bored and went home. She started having violent outbursts at home whenever her mom and Monica would criticize her. It was no longer criticism. It was an expansion of the bullying at school because they were picking out and vocalizing every flaw. Scarred and enraged, she miraculously continued to trek forward. Her senior year of high school, she began to see the silver lining. She got accepted into the state school to major in web development, which her best friend who passed away inspired her to love. It’s an outlet for creativity and creating things with her fingertips and logic. It is also her escape from the mental pain. With band being her other biggest passion, she decided to try out for the district honor band. While in a shaky relationship with a man named Zach and having a stressful day at school, she released her stress through the music that was thoroughly rehearsed and nailed her audition. The next day, the band director announced the students who would be taking part in the district honor band. “Angelina... Gloria...Maron...”. This was the first time she had not gotten cut from something and felt a sense of accomplishment and pride.

While still getting picked on and having no one stand up for her, she soon realized that the group of friends she had in high school continued to be fake; they never invited her to parties, said they're going to one place for lunch and they end up elsewhere, and would even sometimes relocate the table behind her back. Not wanting to be seen eating alone, she would either eat in her car, in the bathroom, or skip lunch altogether and go to the library to study. Later her senior year in high school, she began turning to food as an outlet and slowly began gaining weight. To top it off, she got blown off for her senior prom because her date couldn't afford to rent a tuxedo; even the group she wanted to go with blew her off. Luckily, other people invited her over for pictures, to sit at a table, and to an after party.

On graduation day, she yearned to start over and lose the weight back. She wasn't invited to a single graduation party and was highly motivated to better herself. The depression was worsening to a point where she wondered whether or not Monica was real. She started having violent outbursts at Monica and her mom after constant criticism for being a family outcast for being the only one in her family that's overweight. She would throw food, spill her drink on the table, threaten them with knives, scream at the top of her lungs, and much more; Maron was at her breaking point, but wanted to continue on her merry way. Unfortunately, college wouldn't get any easier.

Maron continued doing what she loved in order to push her problems aside. Music is supposed to cure any soul. With that, she participated in marching band, pep band, and concert band. Unfortunately, she didn't make too many friends from that. In her section, she once again struggled to fit in. The section leaders would scold her whenever she talked to her friends in the other sections and she was stuck, lost, and depressed. To top it off, right before the scrimmage game, before lining up in a parade block for marching to the football stadium, Maron, a poor innocent freshman at the time, had no idea what to do and was trying to make eye contact with the section leader while patiently waiting for guidance. But no… Hayley, the section leader who the rest of the band referred to her as the leader from hell, screamed at the top of her lungs, called Maron a stupid idiot, and dragged her into a spot in the parade block. One of the seniors then put Hayley in her place.

At the beginning of first semester at college, Monica began picking on her too and physically abusing her. Maron was even more depressed, but somehow continued onward. Maron finally started making some decent friends within her major and in marching band. She was never a huge drinker, but she knew that she had a reliable crowd to hang out with and go out on weekends with. Her grades were very high and a glimmer of happiness was shining. The light at the end of the tunnel was finally starting to be visible.

With Maron and Monica both studying web development and taking the first web development class together, Maron would call Monica and the rest of her friends to arrange a study group in the library to work on the programming assignments. To her surprise, Monica either answered the phone in a mocking fashion, didn't answer the phone, or handed it to the other people that Maron wanted to study with. Those would either laugh or talk in a pretend voice under Monica’s direction. Maron would hang up each time, cry for a bit, and somehow manage to get the assignments done. She ended up missing a C by a few points, while Monica and the rest of the group earned significantly higher grades. She was now even more confused about her relationship with Monica, but continued to have consistent contact when she wasn't fake. Her weight was also increasing with the constant frustration. With that, she went from earning nearly a 4.0 in high school to just under a 3.0 at the end of that semester; for the first time, she had to repeat a class, but that would end up being to her best benefit.

Some drastic changes came after her first semester of adjusting to college life. Getting a job and joining a sorority would only be part of it. She aced the class that she failed, her roommate was fantastic, her grades were skyrocketing, and life was unicorns and rainbows. In the next level web development class, she even met a man who would soon become her best friend, Mike. He showed her how to acknowledge issues, such as her weight, without being in denial. He also shared his gift of having an analytical mind. If only things would continue to go that way…

During the summer before her junior year, the turbulence struck again. She enrolled in a program called Health Spotters and lost 20 pounds. She also found her true love for body art, which her family despised. One tattoo, two piercings, and two stretched ears to a size 0G later, her parents flipped out. Her closest female friend, Rainie, was there for it all. The worst part was that she was diagnosed with anxiety from Rainie’s mom, who’s a psychologist. While taking two summer classes, overthinking the way her family treated her, she had a panic attack. Maron had always been fascinated in how the mind works and watched way too much Dr. Paul for her own good with Rainie.

As that summer came to a close and time floated away, school restarted and Maron entered her junior year. Depression began taking a toll as the same issues arose with database programming that occurred during her freshman year. Not only that, but the more Maron would generate errors in her code, the more Monica would hit her. Eventually the depression became so severe that Maron reflected about Death again and Mike noticed. One day on the walk back to Mike’s apartment, he referred her to counseling again because he noticed her consistent complaints and her morale lower than ever. Mike walked her to the counseling services for a new sense of guidance. She reluctantly began group counseling over the course of the semester and saw some hope.

Among the little free time Maron has, she sometimes goes to the Jewish union. During one of the meetings for Hebrew Club, the rabbi told her about the trip of a lifetime, called Divine Passage, where you get to go to Israel for 12 days and explore the land and culture. With haste, she applied for the trip immediately and was accepted. Her mom unfortunately threatened her to not be allowed to go because Monica wasn’t going to be attending, but she happily embarked on her journey on January 1, 2020. This journey resulted as Maron’s ultimate uphill turning point…