I have a new blog (yay!) called hashtagadultproblems, which is the new forum for people to post their adult-related problems, followed by #adultproblems
Here's the URL:
http://hashtagadultproblems.blogspot.com/2014/07/welcome-to-adultproblems.html
Happy adult-ing! The funny complaints are for hilariousness and humor only! Enjoy!
Showing posts with label funny. Show all posts
Showing posts with label funny. Show all posts
Saturday, July 12, 2014
Wednesday, July 9, 2014
I Almost Got Mauled By A Skunk Once
Welcome to... my second attempt to produce something funny in spoken word land. The inspiration from this came from a cross between going for a night run and seeing a skunk when I'm walking home and cooling down after I finished running and being at a point in life where I'm seeking constant change and want to continue growing. I also want my future pieces to feel "lighter" (meaning not having super dark moods behind them) while still keeping the same optimistic tone to them.... and I feel like circling around the fact that a skunk looked like it was going to run across the street chasing me and the fact that it did legitimately happen gave me a lightbulb to write this awesomeness. Enjoy!
Hey... so... I almost got mauled by a skunk once...
WHAAAAATTT?!?!? But that's so absurd!
Oh you know... I'm just going for my night run as usual and right when I think I'm home free, surely enough, I see that goddamn white stripe and bushy tail that surely isn't squirrely...
It looks super cute on a screen or video game and turns out to be quite ferocious in person... eeeewwww?!?!?
Because it literally looked like it was going to chase me down the street and spray me with its grossness...
I don't wanna get that nasty stench all over me... and if I did get it all over me, I'd be like "haaaaayyy", but that's definitely not what I want!
I decided to run the other way with my entirety vanishing into the night sky as I find a new path that will better suit me...
One where a certain kind of danger doesn't lurk....
But at the same time... wait a minute!
I soon realize how lame it is to have a fear of something that actually isn't stronger than you! No more of that dumb garbage...
No more dealing with repulsive figures who only cause you to feel bad about yourself or feel any sort of pain... in a way where someone claims the world is going to end and it's all your fault... But meanwhile in the back of your head, you're like "this person is full of shit" in some angry screaming metal voice...
And definitely no more surrendering to someone who doesn't deserve to win because you feel like you "have to"...
No... you don't have to throw your hands up in the air like you just don't care and then you know you'll feel so damn bare! You're allowed to play the game too... you know, right?
Hmmmmm... so how do I play... step 1... ACTUALLY PLAY!
You need to take control of situations instead of them letting them overtake you as you miserably surrender without even putting up a fight...
But it's just a skunk, right?
Whenever people see something they fear or see someone that has recently upset you hardcore or whom you resent to the max, instead of actually approaching the problem, they run away from it...
Hey I'm guilty of it too, but it's time we stop running and start doing!
In order to win the game, you have to take control of the game... not let it control you.
That's how I win my karate sparring matches or any kind of play fights... If I'm too defensive and wait for the other person to attack all the time because I'm "waiting for an opening" instead of making one on my own, 9x out of 10 I'll lose...
But if I'm aggressive and fight for that victory I'm craving oh so much, the chances of me winning are significantly higher!
What if this situation actually happened with something important?
What if a skunk's spray gland was removed and then you saw it... would you still run away?
Why do people always ask all of these what-if questions instead of actually living and trying and NOT being consumed by fear their whole lives....
But the entire time, just to let you know, this ridiculous skunk figure is mostly a metaphor! I did seriously see a skunk that really did start chasing after me when I went for a night run... and it was actually quite terrifying!
But the moral of the story... just live, damnit!
Who cares about some lame skunk anyways?
The only one stopping you from living YOUR life to the max is you!
Hey... so... I almost got mauled by a skunk once...
WHAAAAATTT?!?!? But that's so absurd!
Oh you know... I'm just going for my night run as usual and right when I think I'm home free, surely enough, I see that goddamn white stripe and bushy tail that surely isn't squirrely...
It looks super cute on a screen or video game and turns out to be quite ferocious in person... eeeewwww?!?!?
Because it literally looked like it was going to chase me down the street and spray me with its grossness...
I don't wanna get that nasty stench all over me... and if I did get it all over me, I'd be like "haaaaayyy", but that's definitely not what I want!
I decided to run the other way with my entirety vanishing into the night sky as I find a new path that will better suit me...
One where a certain kind of danger doesn't lurk....
But at the same time... wait a minute!
I soon realize how lame it is to have a fear of something that actually isn't stronger than you! No more of that dumb garbage...
No more dealing with repulsive figures who only cause you to feel bad about yourself or feel any sort of pain... in a way where someone claims the world is going to end and it's all your fault... But meanwhile in the back of your head, you're like "this person is full of shit" in some angry screaming metal voice...
And definitely no more surrendering to someone who doesn't deserve to win because you feel like you "have to"...
No... you don't have to throw your hands up in the air like you just don't care and then you know you'll feel so damn bare! You're allowed to play the game too... you know, right?
Hmmmmm... so how do I play... step 1... ACTUALLY PLAY!
You need to take control of situations instead of them letting them overtake you as you miserably surrender without even putting up a fight...
But it's just a skunk, right?
Whenever people see something they fear or see someone that has recently upset you hardcore or whom you resent to the max, instead of actually approaching the problem, they run away from it...
Hey I'm guilty of it too, but it's time we stop running and start doing!
In order to win the game, you have to take control of the game... not let it control you.
That's how I win my karate sparring matches or any kind of play fights... If I'm too defensive and wait for the other person to attack all the time because I'm "waiting for an opening" instead of making one on my own, 9x out of 10 I'll lose...
But if I'm aggressive and fight for that victory I'm craving oh so much, the chances of me winning are significantly higher!
What if this situation actually happened with something important?
What if a skunk's spray gland was removed and then you saw it... would you still run away?
Why do people always ask all of these what-if questions instead of actually living and trying and NOT being consumed by fear their whole lives....
But the entire time, just to let you know, this ridiculous skunk figure is mostly a metaphor! I did seriously see a skunk that really did start chasing after me when I went for a night run... and it was actually quite terrifying!
But the moral of the story... just live, damnit!
Who cares about some lame skunk anyways?
The only one stopping you from living YOUR life to the max is you!
Saturday, May 10, 2014
Sunday, April 20, 2014
Sunday, March 16, 2014
Epic Chinese Buffet Adventures
So... a bunch of my friends have kept telling me that I should do standup. I have no problem in front of any sort of crowd, but I figured the best way I can portray being funny is a mashup between spoken word poetry and my crazy nerdy randomness. This story is derived from my two friends and I just randomly being in the mood to drive to a Chinese buffet one day and we eventually got there and indulged in Asian food and sushi goodness, so enjoy our crazy epic adventures!
So just imagine you and three of your closest friends sitting in a room
You know, just on any old Saturday night in the middle of a wintery March…
Sitting on a couch, playing some smash, chilling out, having a good time, ambient music, good vibes…
Everyone is in touch with nature in some way, shape or form…
Some in the form of delirium, others in the form of sleeplessness, and others in the form of full blown consciousness…
WHAT!?!?
Like… being fully conscious,
Is that something that's SUPPOSED TO BLOW YOUR MIND OR SOMETHING?
DUH!
Like… What ever happened
To just being able to walk on the street
On any other Saturday night
And not seeing obnoxious drunk people just meandering down the streets…
Some are minding their own business
Other are tuned out into their own little alien world of theirs
There are even some crazy enough to walk down the streets and call you a whore and call you out and judge you just for being yourself…
WHAT!?!?!
Am I BLOWING YOUR MIND or something?
We just need to be fine-tuned to ourselves and not be strapped into some false sense of reality that we humans call distortion, but society calls it fucking up…
Meanwhile, we're all just trying to find ourselves in a place we call earth when the only perception of reality that we have is through our own eyes that started in the eyes of creation…
People need to act all professional, but what even is professional?
It seems to be a fine line between insanity and jaded with a touch of ginger, unless you know how to make a tunnel underground and run fast like Sonic the Hedgehog to barely escape trouble…
It seems like everyone just comes in every day… and while some seem to have a clear goal in mind, others just seem to be clunking around, yet they've been at the working place for years on end…
You wonder how they got to that position in life and you set yourself out to determine whether or not you truly want that to be your fate…
But as you grow up, you gradually know how to string your fate together in to exactly everything you want in such an intricate way…
Everyone just walks around so gingerly, passing each other in the halls, just all that smalltalk, and maybe that "asking for a cup of coffee" to see how the other one is doing and how they continue to bask in their success every day…
You just walk along on your own merry way and take their tips and have a nice day because you know where success is and need to find it your own way…
WHAT?!?!?
Does SUCCESS BLOW YOUR MIND or something?
To top it off, if you want to bask in some success…
Then imagine a guy and two girls driving along in a salsa red soccer mom car
In a little secret town that feels like just another college town
And it's just a transgender guy, a white girl, and a big white guy just roaming around, in search for the Buffet that is oh so sacred to us at that point in time
And we eventually get there after having to turn around like 6 times because we were derping around and just passed it…
WHOOPS…
SO we eventually end up getting there at some point about fifteen minutes later all safe and sound, just like we beat the secret Mario level…
Oh yeah, that's right….
We SERIOUSLY saw Mario when we were driving along, NO JOKE…
But it was just another one of them crazy business ploys to attract more customers into their store…
Enough getting sidetracked…
My parents may think this is Mexican town or the ghetto
But really,
It's just another little hole in the wall that no one knows about
It's perfectly safe, I promise
I'd never do anything wrong
Just leave me alone and let me be…
But I digress…
Let's go eat some Chinese food!
And enjoy this sunny day!
So just imagine you and three of your closest friends sitting in a room
You know, just on any old Saturday night in the middle of a wintery March…
Sitting on a couch, playing some smash, chilling out, having a good time, ambient music, good vibes…
Everyone is in touch with nature in some way, shape or form…
Some in the form of delirium, others in the form of sleeplessness, and others in the form of full blown consciousness…
WHAT!?!?
Like… being fully conscious,
Is that something that's SUPPOSED TO BLOW YOUR MIND OR SOMETHING?
DUH!
Like… What ever happened
To just being able to walk on the street
On any other Saturday night
And not seeing obnoxious drunk people just meandering down the streets…
Some are minding their own business
Other are tuned out into their own little alien world of theirs
There are even some crazy enough to walk down the streets and call you a whore and call you out and judge you just for being yourself…
WHAT!?!?!
Am I BLOWING YOUR MIND or something?
We just need to be fine-tuned to ourselves and not be strapped into some false sense of reality that we humans call distortion, but society calls it fucking up…
Meanwhile, we're all just trying to find ourselves in a place we call earth when the only perception of reality that we have is through our own eyes that started in the eyes of creation…
People need to act all professional, but what even is professional?
It seems to be a fine line between insanity and jaded with a touch of ginger, unless you know how to make a tunnel underground and run fast like Sonic the Hedgehog to barely escape trouble…
It seems like everyone just comes in every day… and while some seem to have a clear goal in mind, others just seem to be clunking around, yet they've been at the working place for years on end…
You wonder how they got to that position in life and you set yourself out to determine whether or not you truly want that to be your fate…
But as you grow up, you gradually know how to string your fate together in to exactly everything you want in such an intricate way…
Everyone just walks around so gingerly, passing each other in the halls, just all that smalltalk, and maybe that "asking for a cup of coffee" to see how the other one is doing and how they continue to bask in their success every day…
You just walk along on your own merry way and take their tips and have a nice day because you know where success is and need to find it your own way…
WHAT?!?!?
Does SUCCESS BLOW YOUR MIND or something?
To top it off, if you want to bask in some success…
Then imagine a guy and two girls driving along in a salsa red soccer mom car
In a little secret town that feels like just another college town
And it's just a transgender guy, a white girl, and a big white guy just roaming around, in search for the Buffet that is oh so sacred to us at that point in time
And we eventually get there after having to turn around like 6 times because we were derping around and just passed it…
WHOOPS…
SO we eventually end up getting there at some point about fifteen minutes later all safe and sound, just like we beat the secret Mario level…
Oh yeah, that's right….
We SERIOUSLY saw Mario when we were driving along, NO JOKE…
But it was just another one of them crazy business ploys to attract more customers into their store…
Enough getting sidetracked…
My parents may think this is Mexican town or the ghetto
But really,
It's just another little hole in the wall that no one knows about
It's perfectly safe, I promise
I'd never do anything wrong
Just leave me alone and let me be…
But I digress…
Let's go eat some Chinese food!
And enjoy this sunny day!
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