Finding Your Rainbow Road

Sometimes, I feel like I run away from my problems instead of treating it like the boss level of a video game. Other times, I feel like making a “Grand Theft Auto” type getaway is quite necessary.

Right now, I’m at a point in my life where I want to figure out who and what to keep as integral components. It seems like a lot of people “be getting married and having kids and settling down and having a dog and a 9 to 5 job and playing family” and within the past year, I left a serious relationship, quit my corporate desk job, and find valid, but fake excuses to bail out of family events. I am, however, very lucky to have a chosen family!

A lot of people around me, including my twin sister, are all starting to couple up. I on the other hand have decided to focus on myself. While I am about to go get my second chance at a proper trip to Cedar Point in the next few days, the last time wasn’t so unicorn and rainbow filled. When me and “Voldemort” were about to go to Cedar Point, I was elated to finally live one of my childhood dreams; I also was on the verge of dumping his ass. Long story short, he was a very manipulative, unhappy person who enjoyed picking trivial arguments with me and not returning the favor in bed. We were only in Ohio for 2 days, but at least I had made sure to save a batch of my “special extra chocolate brownies” for the trip. The trip started with a, “hey, so you’re driving the entire way there” right as we were about to leave. We stopped at a Dunkin Donuts to get coffee and noms for the road and I began munching on my special brownies behind his back. I made sure to also eat some every rest stop we took and every time he left the room or turned his back. By the time he was ready to head back to Chicago, there was still another hour or so left before park closed, which I wanted to capitalize on. The more he upset me throughout the trip, the more I continued to keep contact with my “peanut gallery” in order for me to talk myself into breaking up with him. For the record, I had never broken up with someone on my own where it hasn’t been a mutual breakup before. He was being a jerk and decided to stay in the car while I walked around the parking lot for about 20-30 minutes, played a quick round of Dance Dance Revolution, went to the bathroom, and made a mad dash back to Millennium Force (a record-holding coaster with a steep and high drop). Unfortunately, the ride broke down several times while I was in line and I ended up waiting an hour and 45 minutes. During that time, I received several angry texts from him, most of which I ignored. After his display of waiting by the exit with disdain and refusing to talk to me for the car ride, I fell asleep in the car, woke up, got back into my apartment, and broke up with him that night. About 36 hours later, I ended up back at his apartment, grabbed my stuff, and “ghosted him” (stopped replying to him).

Not only do I need to be treated well by people I let into my life closely, but I also need to be treated well by my career path. When choosing to be a web developer, I was always a bit skeptical about staying in the IT field. As soon as I walked into my nice shiny job out of college, I was aboard the SS Sinking Ship, set to un-anchor itself at an undefined timeline. I’ve always been a high achiever and have experienced my fair share of failure, but never to this extent. When I was in school and had difficulty in a given class subject, I’d go to the professor and receive adequate assistance. I thought when at work and you experienced difficulty in a particular subject, you were supposed to ask your manager. However, asking the manager questions meant the project getting reassigned to a “cheap Indian laborer” contractor. After a few of these incidents, I began reaching out to others on my team, as well as networking a bit further. As soon as everyone was too busy to help me since I was unable to figure out how to complete the assignments on my own, I displayed a facade of productivity and success while internally, I knew I wasn’t contributing much of anything except for spreadsheets and install meetings. As soon as those weren’t good enough for my manager, my motivation went down the toilet and I felt the urgency of, “I need a new job and need to get out of here”. I ended up finding a new role, but within the same company; I did need to sneak through a few corners in order to attain the position, but it worked out and off I was to a building further south into the city. Minus the displeased manager and task reassignment, my new team wasn’t much different. I was still very unmotivated and felt the “I need to get out of here” urges. I ended up vanishing to go for many “walks” and there were a few times I went grocery shopping during work hours. My success facade walls were beginning to be broken down. A few months later, it was almost time for reviews. From midyear review to final review, I hadn’t completed a single significant task, including an assignment spanning across 8 months that lulled due to my coding program crashing beyond repair. I ended up deciding to put my technology “career” behind me and basically ghosted out of my job to everyone besides my manager and HR. Now, I’m significantly happier, am driving for Uber, performing a lot more frequently, and trying to figure out what I want to do with the rest of my life. I have not been treated poorly by any customers yet either.

Hardships are definitely difficult to face. Even though these experiences were necessary for wisdom’s sake, sometimes, you need to play ghost and do you in order to find true happiness!

Rebecca Duxler's Haiku Collection

A collection of as many of the haiku poems I can find, all written by yours truly :) Poems with a (xxx) at the top have a title. Enjoy!

Am I good enough?

Since I've accomplished so much,

I should know I am!

Every life matters

Death events should be honored,
Not by hashtag trends...

Today is the day
I deem myself important
And conquer the world

Find your inner strength
To plow through all obstacles
And blast to the moon

Transform every day
Living life to the fullest
Seeking growth and love

I want a burger
With every…single…topping…
Me at 2am

Where has the world gone?
Kindness exchanged for violence…
I’ll still maintain hope!

Why do we use guns?
Words can be used as weapons
Without shedding blood!

If Trump ran the world,
We’d be better off under
Robot mind control!

I am a black belt
I pack a nice punch, but don’t
Let my laugh fool you!

Be thankful for life
It can be taken away
Faster than you think

Don’t ever give up
Resilience always helps you
See the light of day

Follow all your dreams
You will certainly find them
If you keep fighting

(You Can Do It!)
You know you can do it
Keep telling yourself you can
Your goal will be reached!

(Fuel Your Fire)
Fuel your fire
Release whirlwinds of potential
For the world to see!

(No Quitting Allowed)
Resilience is key
You will thank yourself later
When you didn’t quit!

(Heart of Passion)
Passion is fashion
It lies in your heart pocket
To fuel the fire!

It’s impossible
To be everyone’s hero.
Change comes from yourself!

Turbulence exists
To say life isn’t perfect
While wisdom is gained!

Find your inner strength
To plow through all obstacles
And blast to the moon!

Forgiveness from within
Is manifested from love
And marching forward!

Climb every mountain
Like you’re scaling Mount Everest
To achieve your dreams!

I choose to live life
By embarking on ventures
Too crazy for you!

It’s never too late
To tell yourself today is
A beautiful day!

(Radical Stars)
Rockstars never quit
Adversity drives champions
Diving through the flames!

The second the wave
Crashes against the high tides,
All darkness subsides!

I need to Uber;
There is money to be made.
Lots of adventures!

First we work careers.
Then we drive into the night.
Time to make money!

Trump for president...
Canada will turn into
New America

Thank the heavens for
Being alive and healthy;
You can change the world!

Artists are people
Who don't wish to conform to
Paper thin confines!

Zero to Forgiveness

A quarter century ago, I was born under the wing of my mom and dad and was setup to navigate life’s mazes on my own.

Sometimes I wonder what the “ideal parental unit relationship” is supposed to look like. I sometimes say “I wish things could have been different”, but I’d rather try to find the positive in something, even if it seems like there isn’t anything bright to say. It could be worse. We had no problems getting food on the table and had shelter.

I see all of these people having close relationships with their mom and part of me wishes I could have one, but need to accept it not being in the cards for me. In a mother-themed story, one would expect me to discuss the positive experiences I’ve had; though there isn’t anything noteworthy, I am thankful to have been afforded the opportunity to try several different activities and sports. I wrote a poem recently about “surviving an episode of the mother’s day show”, which consisted of lyrically explaining how anxious I become prior to mandated interactions with my mom.

According to statistics you see in psychology textbooks, having a negative relationship with parental units constitutes adverse effects in being able to create and maintain relationships with others. The relationship with both of my parents was overall pretty poor throughout my entire life, but it is more in “no bueno land” with my mom. It is also mentioned how poor familial relationships elicit an increased likelihood for adulthood mental illness.

A certain situation often overlooked is family bullying. In being an identical twin, being born a minute after my sister meant everything. I was looked at as the youngest, smallest, and weakest, therefore most vulnerable. With being the subject of all of the ridicule displayed among the family, it caused a plethora of problems. One verbal attack after another, I’d sit there and take them like nothing is bothering me. My anger-o-meter would escalate from green, yellow, orange, and red, until I reached “super saiyan levels”. I eventually would become so tired of getting hurt to a point where I would become rage angry and want to terrorize the town and crush buildings. This led to me not only struggling to create relationships with other women while joining a sorority in college in effort to combat my poor parental unit dynamics, but it also caused me to be unable to properly communicate my upset feelings and struggle with being assertive in the professional world. It also drove me to being so depressed and anxious to a point where a friend noticed a difference in my behavior and suggested I attend therapy (and I did). One of my friends I live with explained to me what a healthy relationship should look like; while I don’t want to envy him, negative life situations make you stronger.

I wish I was able to get my entire college paid for me like a lot of my surrounding friends. I wish I was able to go on more family vacations. I wish I didn’t have to spend my childhood getting yelled at and nitpicked for not meeting your unattainable standards not in my direction. I still try to search for what love means. Since verbal abuse was a norm in my life, getting verbally abused by boyfriends became a thing too. Every time I think I’d want to “try again”, something would happen to make me feel unsafe. By the end of college, I no longer wanted to associate myself with my past and refused to take family graduation pictures. I wish I wasn’t so sheltered as a child to a point where most of my life skills were acquired after moving out and needing to teach myself. Being hand-held my entire life led me to struggle to trust myself, as well as make me so clueless about money to a point where I ended up listening to my abusive ex boyfriend who coerced me into making extremely poor decisions. I can’t dwell on the past though. It’s time to move on! I wish my mom would be able to move on from her past too, which hindered her to be able to properly express love. It’s why I haven’t been able to say the magic 3 words in at least 10 years.

As an overall positive person, I like to act like a house flipper in terms of dealing with negative circumstances. I could rant and rave all day about my difficult childhood or choose to think about the strong woman I am becoming for overcoming the rugged flaming pathways.

I hear about all of these stories about kids failing out of college, getting arrested for whatever reason, or turning into “festie burnouts”, meaning those who attend festivals to escape reality. I may now have to suffer through the massive self-esteem issues, but I have a lot more to be thankful about than I think.

I am thankful to have been able to realize I was mentally troubled and decided to seek recovery. All of my past trauma has inspired me to want to constantly better myself every day and find my strongest self. I am thankful I didn’t have to get sent to some lame daycare and my mom worked from home while we were very young. I am thankful to be in good health and rarely get sick. I am thankful to have been able to attend a super prestigious high school that shoved the “hard work pays off” motto in your face and even had a fencing team, which I was on all 4 years. I am thankful I am thankful to be able to attend a major university and earn a college degree and the opportunity to have worked for one of the top international banks. A lot of people I know and see seem to accept mediocrity and comfort while finding themselves through romantic relationships. I am lucky to strive for independence and find my own stability to make the system work by for me by taking risks instead of joining the corporate zombies. Most of all, I am thankful to be a self-motivated person who is able to turn the poor treatment in my past into wanting to inspire others to bring out their best selves, help others, and make a difference. The list continues.

As I grow older, I am becoming aware how I can no longer remain bitter of my past; I need to let go of bitterness in order to find forgiveness. Whatever happened x number of years ago is gone and I need to take the backpack off and leave it behind. I need to keep telling myself these experiences were just meant to make me stronger and possess more mental endurance. Plus, I’m not perfect and apologize for my shitty past behavior. I can only forgive so much, but I can never forget. I’m just thankful to be alive!

Stop Doubting Yourself

A little while ago, I wrote a motivational speech explaining how people should stop doubting themselves. Unfortunately, I've been quite guilty of doing so lately.

Thoughts from my past have lately been popping up in my head, all of questioning myself and decisions I made. The most recent example is when I recently decided to make a career change and left my “nice shiny job”, jumping off the top of a Chicago skyscraper and pulling the parachute cord. It was one of the scariest decisions I had ever made. I left safety and exchanged it for the unknown and adventures. I didn’t think I’d still be able to maintain independence, but have so far been successful.

When you’re a little kid, positive actions are rewarded by affirmation and negative and against the norm behavior are answered by punishment. For me, it seemed like everything in my line of sight was answered with a punishment or snarky response. It all started by getting kicked around in the womb by my twin, thus being born second. I didn’t care about one measly minute, but to her, it meant everything. She always wanted to be better than me and all I wanted to do was be me. I was always the brown banana in the bunch; it was the one that was still tasty and often thrown away or overlooked. I once walked outside in a pink scarf with flowers on it, a black shirt, pink skinny jeans, piano high knee socks, and skate shoes, all tied together with a pink bow headband. My mom gave me the stink eye and ask me if I was about to go in public looking how I did. I walked out the door. My sister didn’t receive the same treatment in my presence, and likely not at all. Little did I realize how bad I felt like I was screwed over for my adult life in terms of believing in myself.

Many people have told me how you're supposed to take pride in yourself, but how can you if the demons in your head are like a cancer eating at your self worth due to the dragons of your past you’re wrangling with? According to Maslow's hierarchy of needs, it is quite essential to feel a sense of belonging in this world. I wanted to find a special place of being welcomed and praised.

There have been many situations where everyone seemed to believe in me except for me. For example, towards the end of my senior year in college, as a Web Development major, I was given this assignment to make a web page with specific requirements. I was in the library among some of my friends investing in my screen. The demon spoke to me and told me there’s no way I’d ever be able to accomplish this task. When I took a few programming classes prior to this, I had to repeat 2 of them. Both classes were the ones I took with my sister, who showered me with how I was the most useless and crappy programmer ever. I was never really praised and thus, believed I was an awful programmer. I went to the professor’s office several times and he told me I’d surely be able to solve the programming puzzle. After mustering up the courage to spray the demon with pepper spray in the eye instead of backing down immediately, I successfully completed the assignment.

On December 5, 2015, I successfully tested for my black belt in Shotokan Karate. I was constantly showered with compliments by my peers in class, as well as from my friends. I wasn’t sure if I was going to pass the test and would ask my friends, “what if I failed my test?” I sometimes had these toxic thoughts in my head of how I’m not worthy of being a black belt. When I was trying to land my first job right out of school back when I was overweight, I was about to basically have interview number 20 and hadn’t received any offers yet. My mom told me I probably wasn’t receiving any offers because I was overweight and didn’t look good enough. I ended up landing that job. I took my karate test in front of the instructor who had once given me a low score. I was ready to show the world what I was made of. I obviously passed, am worthy of large accomplishments, and need to tell my brain to accept it.

In regards to maintaining relationships with other people, I sometimes felt like people were going to be offset by my quirkiness and how loud I am. I’ve had way too many poor and abusive relationships with men for my own good and I was bullied by peers and family from Pre-K through the end of college. I had also experienced several roommate fail situations, due to fear of communication on my end stemming from the fact standing up for myself at home was punished consistently, among other reasons. Surely enough, I was able to learn from the reasons that made my past relationships fail and hit the jackpot this time around. I am still not so lucky yet in terms of finding a romantic partner, but I’m sure it will soon change.

To top it off, when I graduated from college and was left to suffer the wrath of my parents, I was also left knowing I needed to move on from my high school friends. Thankfully, one of my friends from college introduced me to the Belegarth Medieval Combat Society, a group of nerds who enjoy playing a contact sport battle game where you hit each other with foam weapons. I tried to find a community (of women) to accept me in college, which turned into me being considered too weird to recruit people and only good enough to hand out the finger sandwiches and show Powerpoint slides. To my disbelief, after I was introduced to this nerd community, I was welcomed and accepted with open arms. I am worthy of having real friends who love and accept me for who I am and need to keep telling myself that.

Let me begin again by asking, “how would you take pride in yourself if you’ve been beaten down so many times?” The answer is resilience. People are bullies to those who value themselves because the bullies feel the need to hurt others to make themselves feel prideful. The targets for bullying are usually people who identify as being “different”. Every time I doubt myself and prove myself against a challenge, I become empowered. The empowerment motivates me to want to continue to push myself farther than I think I am capable of. Sticks and stones may break your bones, words may break your soul, but the only way to win the fight is to take a stand and keep standing.

Now Booking!

I am currently booking/opportunity hunting in:

*Blogging/Creative Writing/Editing/Publishing

*Content Writing/Article Writing/Copywriting/Researching

*Resume/Cover Letter Writing

*Technical Writing

*Personal Chef/Recipe Writer

*Storyteller/Spoken Word Poet

*Keynote Speaker/Motivational Speaker

*Flow Arts Performer

*Front End Web Developer/User Interface Designer

*Voice Actor

*(Video Game/Anime) Concept Designer
*Social Media/Webmaster
*Review Writing

For a showcase of what I do, click here!

I live in Chicago and am open to remote work. For performances, I am willing to travel. For all (serious only) inquiries, please contact Rebecca.Duxler@gmail.com!

Story of Growing Up as an Identical Twin and Overcoming Adversity

Story time:

*Note this comes from a standpoint of someone who's met few other sets of twins, was never close with any of them, and they were all fraternal, including my estranged first cousins. I am also in my 20s!

I do not like comparing myself to others, especially my sister, but I've been thinking a bunch lately. I've always wondered how family dynamics worked and in a family with multiple siblings, constitutes a "perfect child" vs a "problem child". Starting with being born and not being able to control who's older or younger, sometimes, your sibling can be a few years older or younger than you. Imagine being born the same day, or even the same hour as someone. From birth, I guess I was always supposed to be the one who got kicked around. My parents said I was getting pushed around inside my mom's stomach. To my not so disbelief, my sister was born a minute before me, making me "the younger sibling" by technicality. I didn't see a minute as meaning anything and saw us on the same playing field. A minute to her meant everything. She stole my toys, was always selfish, and tried to boss me around, and still tries to boss me around to this day. We were both picked on a little in high school, but my being picked on started even before preschool when a boy named Joseph would pull my hair tie and stick it inside the plastic holes in the slide. Her being picked on was brief and mine lasted until the end of college, while I was even bullied by her. I ended up having a worse relationship with my parents, being looked at as the "problem child"; whenever my sister would get picked on by people, it would trickle onto me, and then trickle onto a pen and paper. Unsurprisingly, I've been diagnosed with depression.

I've noticed in a lot of sets of twins, one has a medical problem at birth and the other is healthy. I was obviously the one with the medical problem, but said medical problem is gone thankfully. I was the "expense" because I had medical problems. I felt like I was treated different, and probably was I'm sure. My sister also seemed to have a smoother ride in college. Our grades were generally always the same, we scored similarly on standardized tests and moved up the same in karate as a child. But I ended up being the one who's laptop broke. I was the one who lost several credits, failed 2 classes and had to go to summer school in order to graduate on time, who took longer to get a job and internship, who had the roommate and apartment problems, the mental health problems, the gaining weight, treated poorly by men, etc. The more problems I had in college, the more and more I was the problem child. The more and more I was picked on and treated poorly, the more and more I began realizing I was different and had different heart beat (literally). I had to keep pushing through adversity. Before I finished school, I had a 4 hour conversation with a 37 year old (at the time) marine veteran who explained to me the benefits of being different and how to handle being the problem child. Shortly after that and coming into contact with Belegarth (my nerd group of awesomeness), I began accepting how even though my parents tried to steer me away from being different, being myself will overall make me happy and advance down my chosen and destined path. My sister would conform to my parents and I would still do my own thing (while still trying to follow the rules as much as possible). I did not realize being different would promote ridicule, but as soon as I broke free, I continued to be different and myself. I would end up reading articles with the end result basically saying how the ones who distinguish themselves from others are the ones who were different. I am very lucky to have found the enlightened path at the end of the tunnel of all the crap I put up with from birth to the end of college and then some. Twins, identical or fraternal, are NOT the same people. Who you become is based on your environment. And one measly minute doesn't matter in the end. Hardships only make you stronger.