Sometimes I wonder “why me”?
My friends often tell me “I’m always going through something”,
Especially compared to their other friends…
This is sadly true.
My life is very eventful.
I feel like life is like a game of Pokemon.
You battle the first boss, you think you beat the game, and bam, another boss level appears.
But before you even get to the boss level, there’s monsters all around you needing to be defeated.
When you finally get to the boss level, you need to unleash all your power.
If your arsenal fails, you can keep powering up until you’re strong enough to complete the final mission.
In many video games, you can select easy, medium, or hard mode.
On social media, I see everyone’s picture perfect life and at their best selves only;
Their life is on easy mode.
For my adventures, I feel like trying to accomplish your dreams is like being in the boss level where the enemy grows rapidly after each attack and it feels like there’s no hope; My life feels like the hard mode button is stuck and won’t turn off…
I wish for my life to be easier, but maybe there’s an underlying reason why everything feels turbulent all the time.
But beating a boss level usually results in a major reward at the end.
Boss levels are difficult, but not impossible.
Once you finally beat the game on hard mode, after lots of perseverance and sometimes a zillion tries, instead of wondering “why me?”, I shift my perspective to “why not me?”
So why not me?
Sunday, November 3, 2019
#metoo is Real
#metoo is real…
I used to think the world was unicorns and rainbows,
Until the skies turned grey…
On a normal September day, I wanted to play Dance Dance Revolution with someone I thought was my friend.
I knew he had interest in me,
And I told him we were just friends multiple times… without benefits!
Assuming this fellow understood the word “no”, we proceed to go to the arcade.
Afterward we go to Jewel to buy food and alcohol… thinking we were just friends…
We trekked back to his apartment to eat/drink, chill, and watch rhythm game streams… as friends… without benefits.
Once the alcohol came to play, so did his demons I didn’t know existed until it was too late.
I spill my guts while in a vulnerable state, looking for the unicorns and rainbows to face my fears.
Instead, a black hole formed.
2am…
3am…
4am…
It’s 5am and as I’m falling into a drunken trance, his demons attack.
Next thing I know I wander to his bed to pass out and telling him I didn’t want to do anything beforehand apparently meant try again while alcoholed and see if that changes anything.
My pants come off, I give a half asleep “yeah sure whatever”, and I robotically pass through the motions as the devil thrusts inside me…
My lower extremities feel like they were lit on fire and my brain is spinning like the Wheel of Fortune is about to strike a bankrupt space.
I go home, pass this event off as nothing, and it happens again 2 weeks later.
Eventually, I realize something is terribly wrong and begin to seek advice from my friends.
They all told me you can’t consent while you’re not sober and are half asleep.
As soon as I felt the implications of these events, I felt like I wanted to hit a punching bag and have Niagara Falls waterfall down my face at the same time.
Through famine is when you find your real family,
Through hell is when you find peace,
And as for Mr. Rapist, have fun in the trash bin where you belong!
Yes, if you fuck me over, you will end up on my blog you probably don't know about <3
I used to think the world was unicorns and rainbows,
Until the skies turned grey…
On a normal September day, I wanted to play Dance Dance Revolution with someone I thought was my friend.
I knew he had interest in me,
And I told him we were just friends multiple times… without benefits!
Assuming this fellow understood the word “no”, we proceed to go to the arcade.
Afterward we go to Jewel to buy food and alcohol… thinking we were just friends…
We trekked back to his apartment to eat/drink, chill, and watch rhythm game streams… as friends… without benefits.
Once the alcohol came to play, so did his demons I didn’t know existed until it was too late.
I spill my guts while in a vulnerable state, looking for the unicorns and rainbows to face my fears.
Instead, a black hole formed.
2am…
3am…
4am…
It’s 5am and as I’m falling into a drunken trance, his demons attack.
Next thing I know I wander to his bed to pass out and telling him I didn’t want to do anything beforehand apparently meant try again while alcoholed and see if that changes anything.
My pants come off, I give a half asleep “yeah sure whatever”, and I robotically pass through the motions as the devil thrusts inside me…
My lower extremities feel like they were lit on fire and my brain is spinning like the Wheel of Fortune is about to strike a bankrupt space.
I go home, pass this event off as nothing, and it happens again 2 weeks later.
Eventually, I realize something is terribly wrong and begin to seek advice from my friends.
They all told me you can’t consent while you’re not sober and are half asleep.
As soon as I felt the implications of these events, I felt like I wanted to hit a punching bag and have Niagara Falls waterfall down my face at the same time.
Through famine is when you find your real family,
Through hell is when you find peace,
And as for Mr. Rapist, have fun in the trash bin where you belong!
Yes, if you fuck me over, you will end up on my blog you probably don't know about <3
Saturday, November 2, 2019
Reality's Dreams
Hallucinations
Are when reality meets
Fictional events
Imagination
Can be real if you turn it
To living actions
Dreams as real as stars
Exist because thoughts manifest
Into reality
Are when reality meets
Fictional events
Imagination
Can be real if you turn it
To living actions
Dreams as real as stars
Exist because thoughts manifest
Into reality
#livingathomechronicles
I am not the person I once was. The past is over now. I am who I am today... #livingathomechronicles
My dreams are different than what you want, but I am secretly building an empire I've never told you about #livingathomechonicles
My success is dressed in rainbows. You're just colorblind. I'm not rebelling. I'm comfortable being myself #livingathomechronicles
I don't need your help. I'm quietly seeking my chosen path of therapy and healing... #livingathomechronicles
No, I don't need to be force fed how to live according to your standards. I need to learn how to fly and sometimes crash into walls to learn my lesson... #livingathomechronicles
My dreams are different than what you want, but I am secretly building an empire I've never told you about #livingathomechonicles
My success is dressed in rainbows. You're just colorblind. I'm not rebelling. I'm comfortable being myself #livingathomechronicles
I don't need your help. I'm quietly seeking my chosen path of therapy and healing... #livingathomechronicles
No, I don't need to be force fed how to live according to your standards. I need to learn how to fly and sometimes crash into walls to learn my lesson... #livingathomechronicles
Saturday, August 31, 2019
Overcome Your Past
Dear Beautiful Universe,
It is time to get over yourself. The past is the past for a reason and needs to stay behind. But that means letting go.
When you feel like you’re stuck and hit a life junction, you may wonder what is holding you back. Some of the time, it can be triggered by a negative experience that happened long ago. But memories don’t leave…
The negative experiences all happened for a reason. You can’t let them rule you. Instead, you must use them as tools and lessons to be able to move onto new adventures. That means telling yourself it’s ok the negative event happened and analyzing the cause and effect of the event. After several positive experiences to counteract the negative experience, it is safe to say the negative experience is unlikely to occur again and you can retrain yourself to accept the positive experiences. This will help lead you to the ultimate gift of happiness, as long as you take your own advice!
Love,
Rebs
It is time to get over yourself. The past is the past for a reason and needs to stay behind. But that means letting go.
When you feel like you’re stuck and hit a life junction, you may wonder what is holding you back. Some of the time, it can be triggered by a negative experience that happened long ago. But memories don’t leave…
The negative experiences all happened for a reason. You can’t let them rule you. Instead, you must use them as tools and lessons to be able to move onto new adventures. That means telling yourself it’s ok the negative event happened and analyzing the cause and effect of the event. After several positive experiences to counteract the negative experience, it is safe to say the negative experience is unlikely to occur again and you can retrain yourself to accept the positive experiences. This will help lead you to the ultimate gift of happiness, as long as you take your own advice!
Love,
Rebs
Friday, August 16, 2019
Broken Record
I feel like my friends are tired of me telling them the same story over and over again...
It is past 4am
And I'm scrolling through my messages wondering who my next victim will be to hear about how I found another way to screw myself over.
I don't want to bother anyone,
But my instincts tell me to message someone before I shove more artificialness through my mouth because I haven't been to therapy in 2 weeks...
It would be nice if someone could hold my hand and tell me everything would be ok, but I've held my own hand the last 4+ years.
While I don't regret it, I need to open the door instead of letting myself continue to drown...
"I'm a strong independent woman!"
I continue to chant that to myself as I try not to let myself cry.
The magicness is right next to me, but it's locked in the safe and I shouldn't go grab the key...
"I'm a strong independent woman!"
I continue to tell myself that while pushing unnecessary societal and familial pressures aside to keep myself afloat.
I am one to march to my own irrythymic heartbeat at my own pace and shall continue on my way to the golden roads!
"I'm a strong independent woman!"
I scream that to myself in the mirror as I look at my bare body, realize what I've done to it, and vow to be better.
I'm not a broken record.
You cannot shatter me as easy as glass breaks.
I may sound a little off, but I still am able to function.
I'm sorry the songs have some minor keys, but I'm not sorry for being me!
I'm not sorry for being free!
And I'm definitely not sorry for being different.
I have already walked away from the ridicule for it to follow me back to what is supposed to be home.
If I am a strong independent woman as I say, it is time to lay the layers, brick by brick, and pave my own golden roads!
Thursday, August 1, 2019
Review of Sugar Factory Rosemont
***Each category is out of 1 and is rounded to the nearest .1***
Cleanliness: 1 - The place looked pretty clean. Most of the tables were bussed. The place where my friend and me sat (at the bar top) was clean (thank the lord, I’ve been eating at so many dirty tables lately…)
Service: 1 - Jaz, the bartender, rocked! She was prompt and our drinks didn’t take forever!
Ambience: 1 - I liked the music and I can still talk to my friend without totally screaming.
Taste of Food/Drink: 1 - We split a fishbowl drink and I then had a martini. The drink looked appealing to the eye and tasted like a perfect balance of sweet and strong. The candy added a nice touch as well. The cotton candy went first! The martini was also pretty appealing and it tasted delicious. I was pretty full at that point, but I was still able to happily down it and enjoy it. The drink size was appropriate and the quality/aesthetic was pretty high.
Was it worth my money?: .5 - It’s a little pricey, but it is Rosemont (upscale Chicago suburb)… It was worth it and all, but I wouldn’t want to go there too frequently because I would drop way too much money because everything is so tasty! I’m sure it’s expensive because of all the bells and whistles for the drinks too, but it isn’t too too bad.
Overall: 4.5/5
Cleanliness: 1 - The place looked pretty clean. Most of the tables were bussed. The place where my friend and me sat (at the bar top) was clean (thank the lord, I’ve been eating at so many dirty tables lately…)
Service: 1 - Jaz, the bartender, rocked! She was prompt and our drinks didn’t take forever!
Ambience: 1 - I liked the music and I can still talk to my friend without totally screaming.
Taste of Food/Drink: 1 - We split a fishbowl drink and I then had a martini. The drink looked appealing to the eye and tasted like a perfect balance of sweet and strong. The candy added a nice touch as well. The cotton candy went first! The martini was also pretty appealing and it tasted delicious. I was pretty full at that point, but I was still able to happily down it and enjoy it. The drink size was appropriate and the quality/aesthetic was pretty high.
Was it worth my money?: .5 - It’s a little pricey, but it is Rosemont (upscale Chicago suburb)… It was worth it and all, but I wouldn’t want to go there too frequently because I would drop way too much money because everything is so tasty! I’m sure it’s expensive because of all the bells and whistles for the drinks too, but it isn’t too too bad.
Overall: 4.5/5
Wednesday, July 31, 2019
Prey Meets Rock
I feel like prey,
The clay that gets destroyed when the fire is so strong it's ineffective.
When the blood of the covenant is not thicker than the water of the womb I wonder why and want to cry... And then run away...
To the abyss where it feels like I keep taking shots and I miss...
The shots hit the rim and bounce right out every time...
I need to be a rock...
Immovable and hard to destroy...
Because I won't be your toy
As you are a leech and shall let your grasp finally elude me...
Goodbye to you.
You are not my family.
You have sucked every ounce of blood out of me, but I am still conscious.
I will be my own rock
And squash whoever tries to break me!
I have learned from my mistakes while the stakes were high,
And now I will make the successful shot I need...
Right in the net!
Monday, July 22, 2019
Lonely Habits
It is fuck o'clock in the morning and a manic mood has struck...
I need someone to talk to.
I need someone to talk to.
I scroll through long lists of names on my messenger apps and contacts leading to an empty abyss.
I want to text everyone but don't want to put them to the test of whether or not they can handle imperfection...
So I bottle it up into my magic lamp already past the tipping point and the genie is probably yay close to busting out of the lamp to yell at me to come back down to earth...
I turn on my crying music tune out the sound of my nose waterfalling onto my face...
I send several text walls as a cry to the sky for solace...
Feeling like I'm on a cloud I float back down to the prickly grass while trying to avoid the ultimate collapse...
The genie pops out of the lamp and yells at me anyway to snap out of it and turn the other way to those who have their back to you...
Snap out of it! Snap out of it! You don't need to hide anymore!
Someone responds and offers a hand. Real people exist.
I am not alone!
Saturday, July 6, 2019
Long Lived the Magic Vape Pen
I want to wake up and taste the rainbow
But today, the rainbow tastes like grey...
10am...
When I get out of bed, the clutter next to me shines into my near sighted vision as I roll to my left and immediately reach for my magic vape pen.
10 hits later I'm ready to begin my adventures...
I meander down the stairs of my childhood home wondering what the hell I'm still doing here and create some tastiness.
12pm...
My indecisive mind that never stops churning takes me to my laptop sitting in my bed to attempt to do some work.
10 more hits of the magic vape pen later I'm ready for bed...
3pm...
I wonder why the fuck I'm still in bed and realize my endless to do list is incomplete and I scramble to do shit...
10 more hits of the magic vape pen later I grab my phone and start texting people the same cycle on repeat to wonder how some of these people haven't used an escape rope...
1 more hit of the magic vape pen later I've realized half my pen is gone in a day and text my friend that I need to put the pen down...
4pm...
I still have to do the everything and frantically jump in the shower...
5:30pm...
3 hits of the magic vape pen later I should probably put the pen down so I don't require more slumber and run to the gas station for some awakeness...
I end up meeting some friends at Dave and Busters and go to the bathroom to "change" and secretly take 5 more hits of my magic vape pen before playing multiple games of dance dance revolution...
My friend who works at the arcade wonders if I'm ok and tells me I look like I'm out of it.
I tell him what's up and he finally convinces me to stop craving magic and start craving natural beauty...
11pm...
My legs are jello and I can't move... I waited until no one would notice me to go back to where I shouldn't be going, but need my own escape rope.
It's buried somewhere... Likely right in front of me...
But in the meantime, long lived the magic vape pen...
If I stop investing in magic and start investing in nature, the wind will carry me to where the treasure is buried and I'll live happily ever after... Sort of...
For now, at least I know the rainbow tastes like candy and I don't need magic to survive!
Now, time to go the fuck to sleep!
But today, the rainbow tastes like grey...
10am...
When I get out of bed, the clutter next to me shines into my near sighted vision as I roll to my left and immediately reach for my magic vape pen.
10 hits later I'm ready to begin my adventures...
I meander down the stairs of my childhood home wondering what the hell I'm still doing here and create some tastiness.
12pm...
My indecisive mind that never stops churning takes me to my laptop sitting in my bed to attempt to do some work.
10 more hits of the magic vape pen later I'm ready for bed...
3pm...
I wonder why the fuck I'm still in bed and realize my endless to do list is incomplete and I scramble to do shit...
10 more hits of the magic vape pen later I grab my phone and start texting people the same cycle on repeat to wonder how some of these people haven't used an escape rope...
1 more hit of the magic vape pen later I've realized half my pen is gone in a day and text my friend that I need to put the pen down...
4pm...
I still have to do the everything and frantically jump in the shower...
5:30pm...
3 hits of the magic vape pen later I should probably put the pen down so I don't require more slumber and run to the gas station for some awakeness...
I end up meeting some friends at Dave and Busters and go to the bathroom to "change" and secretly take 5 more hits of my magic vape pen before playing multiple games of dance dance revolution...
My friend who works at the arcade wonders if I'm ok and tells me I look like I'm out of it.
I tell him what's up and he finally convinces me to stop craving magic and start craving natural beauty...
11pm...
My legs are jello and I can't move... I waited until no one would notice me to go back to where I shouldn't be going, but need my own escape rope.
It's buried somewhere... Likely right in front of me...
But in the meantime, long lived the magic vape pen...
If I stop investing in magic and start investing in nature, the wind will carry me to where the treasure is buried and I'll live happily ever after... Sort of...
For now, at least I know the rainbow tastes like candy and I don't need magic to survive!
Now, time to go the fuck to sleep!
Thursday, March 7, 2019
Can I Have Some Sour Cream With That?
My first attempt at trying to write some more comedic/stand-up related content. Having a poetry/storytelling background, and googling how to write a punchline were definitely helpful in this endeavour!
“Can I have some more sour cream with that?”
Being a server
An adventure embarked on while trying to figure out which road to take combined with a love of people and food,
Even the most quirky of people can survive.
Running trays, bussing tables, and picking up after people can sometimes be a pain,
But the love for making people’s day takes all!
I walk into work smiling every day
Even when my family gives me a hard time right before starting my shift.
My coworkers ask me, “how are you so happy all the time?”
And my answer is, “laughing is my anti drug and talking to people is my sanity!”
This one time, when I first started the current job I have, I had the worst table of my life.
The four guests who appeared to be of some sort of Indian descent asked for the most complicated order I’ve ever seen. And don’t forget about the extra jalepenos… grilled and seasoned to perfection… and extra spicy…
And some extra sour cream with that!
The next day, the manager tells me I got 4 bad reviews the previous night.
I guess the sour cream was as sour as their attitude… and their tip!
The day before I quit my first serving job, one of the managers said serving wasn’t for me.
Guess what I did by accident a few hours later?
Spill an entire pot of soup in the soup warmer instead of the container inside the warmer and then tell the other manager that I quit about an hour later… Oops!
I enjoy serving,
But I wonder where my next adventures will take me…
Maybe I’ll become the next “Mama Julia”
The world may never know…
Oh shit, my table just got sat!
“Can I have some more sour cream with that?”
Being a server
An adventure embarked on while trying to figure out which road to take combined with a love of people and food,
Even the most quirky of people can survive.
Running trays, bussing tables, and picking up after people can sometimes be a pain,
But the love for making people’s day takes all!
I walk into work smiling every day
Even when my family gives me a hard time right before starting my shift.
My coworkers ask me, “how are you so happy all the time?”
And my answer is, “laughing is my anti drug and talking to people is my sanity!”
This one time, when I first started the current job I have, I had the worst table of my life.
The four guests who appeared to be of some sort of Indian descent asked for the most complicated order I’ve ever seen. And don’t forget about the extra jalepenos… grilled and seasoned to perfection… and extra spicy…
And some extra sour cream with that!
The next day, the manager tells me I got 4 bad reviews the previous night.
I guess the sour cream was as sour as their attitude… and their tip!
The day before I quit my first serving job, one of the managers said serving wasn’t for me.
Guess what I did by accident a few hours later?
Spill an entire pot of soup in the soup warmer instead of the container inside the warmer and then tell the other manager that I quit about an hour later… Oops!
I enjoy serving,
But I wonder where my next adventures will take me…
Maybe I’ll become the next “Mama Julia”
The world may never know…
Oh shit, my table just got sat!
Tuesday, February 5, 2019
False Promises
Don't give me false promises.
The ones where you say you will pay me back and you don't.
The ones where you say you will help me and you refuse when the time comes...
The ones where you say you will be there for me and you run away when the time comes...
You tell me how real you're trying to be and it turns out you're fake.
You are exactly who I don't want to be in my life.
You are the one who wants everyone to like you by forcing inspiration instead of being genuine.
The one who needs support from someone else in order to be alive,
And the one who will only take someone else's hand and both shove me aside...
I don't need to depend on anyone for my self worth.
I can stand strong on my own.
Be free from those false promises.
Do my own thing and believe in my own power.
I am strong enough!
The ones where you say you will pay me back and you don't.
The ones where you say you will help me and you refuse when the time comes...
The ones where you say you will be there for me and you run away when the time comes...
You tell me how real you're trying to be and it turns out you're fake.
You are exactly who I don't want to be in my life.
You are the one who wants everyone to like you by forcing inspiration instead of being genuine.
The one who needs support from someone else in order to be alive,
And the one who will only take someone else's hand and both shove me aside...
I don't need to depend on anyone for my self worth.
I can stand strong on my own.
Be free from those false promises.
Do my own thing and believe in my own power.
I am strong enough!
Rebs Is In Search Of...
Please use some of my referral codes (for Uber, Lyft, Instacart, Dosh, Circle, Square Cash) by clicking here!
Help support my endeavors by donating to paypal.me/rebeccaduxler or cashapp at $RebeccaDuxler
Technical Writing: $30 an hour and up
Resume Writing: $20 an hour and up
Content Writer/Blogger: $20 an hour and up
Scholarship Essay Writing: $20 an hour and up
College Essay Writing: $20 an hour and up
College Paper Writing: $20 an hour and up
College Paper Editing: $15 an hour and up
Cover Letter Writing: $20 an hour and up
Proofreading: $20 an hour and up
Personal Chef: $25 an hour and up
Posting your items on Ebay, Offerup, Facebook Marketplace, etc.: $20 an hour and up
Social Media: $25 an hour and up
Flow Classes: $15 per person per class
Literary Classes: $10 per person per class
Storytelling and Flow Performances: $25 per performance and up depending on distance
Babysitting: $20 an hour and up
Dog Walking: $15 per 30 minute walk, $25 per hour walk
Cat Sitting: $50 per night and up
Help support my endeavors by donating to paypal.me/rebeccaduxler or cashapp at $RebeccaDuxler
Technical Writing: $30 an hour and up
Resume Writing: $20 an hour and up
Content Writer/Blogger: $20 an hour and up
Scholarship Essay Writing: $20 an hour and up
College Essay Writing: $20 an hour and up
College Paper Writing: $20 an hour and up
College Paper Editing: $15 an hour and up
Cover Letter Writing: $20 an hour and up
Proofreading: $20 an hour and up
Personal Chef: $25 an hour and up
Posting your items on Ebay, Offerup, Facebook Marketplace, etc.: $20 an hour and up
Social Media: $25 an hour and up
Flow Classes: $15 per person per class
Literary Classes: $10 per person per class
Storytelling and Flow Performances: $25 per performance and up depending on distance
Babysitting: $20 an hour and up
Dog Walking: $15 per 30 minute walk, $25 per hour walk
Cat Sitting: $50 per night and up
Thursday, January 31, 2019
How to Better Yourself and Survive in a Toxic Living Environment
Living at home instead of in freedom...
It had been about 4 years since any evident return to the nest. I know this topic has been brought up on this blog and through my expressions years ago, but here we are once again... living at home... *cough* I mean hellhole land.
How did I get here? AGAIN? The last couple of times this happened, I had an immediate escape route (a place to go to avoid being at the nest or an immediate plan to move out because I had a nice shiny job), but now, after October, 2018, my escape route has escaped...
Last night, I went to bed at about 3am after a lovely day of productivity and not having to work. I was notified of an additional snow day at work and decided to stay up later indulging in video games.
My sister and me were fast asleep and at about 8am, we were woken up by the sound of my mom yelling/freaking out over where the TV remote was. We couldn't fall back asleep for another 2 hours and have been running on fumes all day. The first thing I wanted was a cup of coffee with a side of some vices. I want to be able to feel good physically and mentally in order to continue embarking on my path to success and being "here" isn't going to make me feel good. It is not worth "saving money" just to be in a negative environment. I am in the process of cutting my expenses on vices and using what I would spend on vices to cover a security deposit and a few month's rent somewhere.
It isn't just being woken up to screaming that's the problem.
I am not in the best shape of my life, but have dropped almost 15 pounds in the last month or so. Here I am celebrating an accomplishment, but I go to eat yesterday while my mom is also on a snow day and sitting in the kitchen, I grab "whatever I feel like eating" and receive negative feedback (ex., "why are you eating that?") about basically just eating in general because "apparently everything I put in my mouth is going to make me gain weight" while my mom is projecting her poor body image onto me just because my weight issues are a bit more blatant. Even my uncle didn't accept my body image when I was at a happy weight because he isn't happy with himself and wants to project that onto me, a vulnerable target. At least I am healthy enough to run for 15 minutes without stopping and pass songs on Dance Dance Revolution that I haven't passed since I gained the weight back again (before I started getting in shape again).
I keep telling myself how well I am doing and how I am accomplishing a bunch of small goals. It's always good to look at the bright side of things NO MATTER WHAT. Right now, I may not have a shiny job, but at least I have a job that's making me feel adequate and I can go there smiling every day. I am smiling because I am free and in my own world. I can make connections and be myself without negative feedback. My parents want me to have some stability and have a healthier financial life, but it seems like the only things my mom likes to talk about are complaints, money, and negative feedback in the form of, "I just want the best for you". My job isn't good enough to be accepted, but at least I am healthy enough to work. At this point last year, I couldn't even hold onto a job for very long because my mental health was bothering me too much. Both my parents fight all the time and after almost 33 years of marriage, I wonder why they are still married. My mom wants to be safe and my dad is whipped by her. He feels negative because he doesn't have the best job and projects that onto my mom, which is more negative energy projected onto the entire house.
How can one be successful in a negative environment?
Honestly, the best way to thrive in a negative environment is to get the hell out of there as much as possible whether it be working (at work), going to a coffee shop to go opportunity hunting, going to networking events to meet more positive people, and exercising/being involved in hobbies. Of course, the other thing to do is focus on what you can do now to make your future more fruitful. My biggest goal is to be free again and get my own place. For me, if I want to be a viral blogger and youtuber, I have to produce my own content frequently in order to get there instead of giving all my time to "the man" and to "everyone else". I don't need to be like everyone else in order to be accepted, because as long as I accept myself and keep smiling in places where I am safe and free, all will continue to move forward as expected.
2019 is my year. 2019 I will be out of this place for good and onto the path to realizing my dreams! I can do it. Besides for living in this place, everything else in 2019 has been solid. By this point last year, my year was up in flames. If I can keep smiling with this hellhole in my shadows, you can too!
Happy end of January and snow day (again), everyone!
It had been about 4 years since any evident return to the nest. I know this topic has been brought up on this blog and through my expressions years ago, but here we are once again... living at home... *cough* I mean hellhole land.
How did I get here? AGAIN? The last couple of times this happened, I had an immediate escape route (a place to go to avoid being at the nest or an immediate plan to move out because I had a nice shiny job), but now, after October, 2018, my escape route has escaped...
Last night, I went to bed at about 3am after a lovely day of productivity and not having to work. I was notified of an additional snow day at work and decided to stay up later indulging in video games.
My sister and me were fast asleep and at about 8am, we were woken up by the sound of my mom yelling/freaking out over where the TV remote was. We couldn't fall back asleep for another 2 hours and have been running on fumes all day. The first thing I wanted was a cup of coffee with a side of some vices. I want to be able to feel good physically and mentally in order to continue embarking on my path to success and being "here" isn't going to make me feel good. It is not worth "saving money" just to be in a negative environment. I am in the process of cutting my expenses on vices and using what I would spend on vices to cover a security deposit and a few month's rent somewhere.
It isn't just being woken up to screaming that's the problem.
I am not in the best shape of my life, but have dropped almost 15 pounds in the last month or so. Here I am celebrating an accomplishment, but I go to eat yesterday while my mom is also on a snow day and sitting in the kitchen, I grab "whatever I feel like eating" and receive negative feedback (ex., "why are you eating that?") about basically just eating in general because "apparently everything I put in my mouth is going to make me gain weight" while my mom is projecting her poor body image onto me just because my weight issues are a bit more blatant. Even my uncle didn't accept my body image when I was at a happy weight because he isn't happy with himself and wants to project that onto me, a vulnerable target. At least I am healthy enough to run for 15 minutes without stopping and pass songs on Dance Dance Revolution that I haven't passed since I gained the weight back again (before I started getting in shape again).
I keep telling myself how well I am doing and how I am accomplishing a bunch of small goals. It's always good to look at the bright side of things NO MATTER WHAT. Right now, I may not have a shiny job, but at least I have a job that's making me feel adequate and I can go there smiling every day. I am smiling because I am free and in my own world. I can make connections and be myself without negative feedback. My parents want me to have some stability and have a healthier financial life, but it seems like the only things my mom likes to talk about are complaints, money, and negative feedback in the form of, "I just want the best for you". My job isn't good enough to be accepted, but at least I am healthy enough to work. At this point last year, I couldn't even hold onto a job for very long because my mental health was bothering me too much. Both my parents fight all the time and after almost 33 years of marriage, I wonder why they are still married. My mom wants to be safe and my dad is whipped by her. He feels negative because he doesn't have the best job and projects that onto my mom, which is more negative energy projected onto the entire house.
How can one be successful in a negative environment?
Honestly, the best way to thrive in a negative environment is to get the hell out of there as much as possible whether it be working (at work), going to a coffee shop to go opportunity hunting, going to networking events to meet more positive people, and exercising/being involved in hobbies. Of course, the other thing to do is focus on what you can do now to make your future more fruitful. My biggest goal is to be free again and get my own place. For me, if I want to be a viral blogger and youtuber, I have to produce my own content frequently in order to get there instead of giving all my time to "the man" and to "everyone else". I don't need to be like everyone else in order to be accepted, because as long as I accept myself and keep smiling in places where I am safe and free, all will continue to move forward as expected.
2019 is my year. 2019 I will be out of this place for good and onto the path to realizing my dreams! I can do it. Besides for living in this place, everything else in 2019 has been solid. By this point last year, my year was up in flames. If I can keep smiling with this hellhole in my shadows, you can too!
Happy end of January and snow day (again), everyone!
Wednesday, January 30, 2019
When Dreams are More than Dreams
What do you want to do when you grow up? Do you want to be an everybody, or do you want to be extraordinary?
While graduating from college with a computer science degree, I thought for the longest time I wanted to be a computer programmer. My parents were blown away when I got a job out of school making bank. They thought I was "super successful", even though I was dying inside and did not like my job. I would be sitting at my desk doing the work I needed to and once I was done, I found myself writing stories, poems, recipes, researching my desired creative avenues, and applying to be on various TV shows. I knew my destiny in life is to create. While I have been involved in computer programming since I was 12 years old, I have taken my writing and performing adventures more seriously since I first started writing at age 15.
After I left my job out of school on my own terms (I am not one to burn bridges unless absolutely necessary), I was ready to make my own career instead of trying to fit a mold. I thought Uber and Lyft were the answer to "working on my own and making it big", but it turned into a failed business venture. I tried obtaining some freelance gigs in the meantime and had minimal luck (better than zero, but not enough to solely freelance). I sold a bunch of my belongings on the internet and have had luck reselling some stuff, but was not making enough to survive solely on that either. After 2.5 years of struggling (from February 2016 until July 2018), I decided to take the summer of 2018 off working completely in order to take a step back and truly find myself. I had a bunch of money saved up, which I spent all of it having fun and making some poor choices in between. My parents saw me as a "failure" because I wasn't going the traditional job route.
After a technical writing job blew up in my face in October 2018, thinking technical writing was ultimately what I wanted to do once I left my IT job, I still knew it was my destiny to create and make people happy. Sadly, in this capitalistic society, you need money, so I decided to get a job as a server and spend more time thinking what I really want to do. While I enjoy my server job and luckily have been working on finding balance to find time to work vs. create, I want to find the best way to maximize the skills I have and turn that into the most income possible. Some people take jobs just for the money, but I know when I do that, I get fired right away, which is a waste of everyone's time. Plus, getting fired sucks big time!
Success isn't a 9-5 job. Success is turning what you want to do into the greatest possible income. I want to be like the Bruno Mars song, "Millionaire" and "I want to be a millionaire so freaking bad". At restaurant land, I am maximizing my time there while learning valuable professional skills and making connections with other coworkers. Making connections is a more valuable experience than making money, even though money is nice and you need money to survive.
My next most valuable skill besides the knowledge of technology (which I still love and still want to write about) is writing. At this point, while working on turning my personal endeavors from writing and performing into a "full-time income" (ex. my blogs/websites, freelancing for other people, my youtube channel and various other creative content I write/sell/post on my own outlets, posting on other people's blogs and getting paid, writing my own books, etc.), writing for an income while turning my own thing into a career is what I want to do. It is possible to turn your dream into a reality. Don't give up or listen to other people's negative feedback. If you do what you want to do and follow your own set path, you will be happiest and live the most fruitful life. It is never too late either. You got this. It is time to create your own path!
While graduating from college with a computer science degree, I thought for the longest time I wanted to be a computer programmer. My parents were blown away when I got a job out of school making bank. They thought I was "super successful", even though I was dying inside and did not like my job. I would be sitting at my desk doing the work I needed to and once I was done, I found myself writing stories, poems, recipes, researching my desired creative avenues, and applying to be on various TV shows. I knew my destiny in life is to create. While I have been involved in computer programming since I was 12 years old, I have taken my writing and performing adventures more seriously since I first started writing at age 15.
After I left my job out of school on my own terms (I am not one to burn bridges unless absolutely necessary), I was ready to make my own career instead of trying to fit a mold. I thought Uber and Lyft were the answer to "working on my own and making it big", but it turned into a failed business venture. I tried obtaining some freelance gigs in the meantime and had minimal luck (better than zero, but not enough to solely freelance). I sold a bunch of my belongings on the internet and have had luck reselling some stuff, but was not making enough to survive solely on that either. After 2.5 years of struggling (from February 2016 until July 2018), I decided to take the summer of 2018 off working completely in order to take a step back and truly find myself. I had a bunch of money saved up, which I spent all of it having fun and making some poor choices in between. My parents saw me as a "failure" because I wasn't going the traditional job route.
After a technical writing job blew up in my face in October 2018, thinking technical writing was ultimately what I wanted to do once I left my IT job, I still knew it was my destiny to create and make people happy. Sadly, in this capitalistic society, you need money, so I decided to get a job as a server and spend more time thinking what I really want to do. While I enjoy my server job and luckily have been working on finding balance to find time to work vs. create, I want to find the best way to maximize the skills I have and turn that into the most income possible. Some people take jobs just for the money, but I know when I do that, I get fired right away, which is a waste of everyone's time. Plus, getting fired sucks big time!
Success isn't a 9-5 job. Success is turning what you want to do into the greatest possible income. I want to be like the Bruno Mars song, "Millionaire" and "I want to be a millionaire so freaking bad". At restaurant land, I am maximizing my time there while learning valuable professional skills and making connections with other coworkers. Making connections is a more valuable experience than making money, even though money is nice and you need money to survive.
My next most valuable skill besides the knowledge of technology (which I still love and still want to write about) is writing. At this point, while working on turning my personal endeavors from writing and performing into a "full-time income" (ex. my blogs/websites, freelancing for other people, my youtube channel and various other creative content I write/sell/post on my own outlets, posting on other people's blogs and getting paid, writing my own books, etc.), writing for an income while turning my own thing into a career is what I want to do. It is possible to turn your dream into a reality. Don't give up or listen to other people's negative feedback. If you do what you want to do and follow your own set path, you will be happiest and live the most fruitful life. It is never too late either. You got this. It is time to create your own path!
Tuesday, January 15, 2019
Super "Du-ble" Ventures
When I arrived at work at 11:30am this morning for my "du-ble", my manager pulled me aside and asked me to take a party of 9 people. I was ready to make some money today! All was going according to plan until it was supposed to be break o'clock. It was 2pm...3pm...4pm... The next shift starts at 4pm and I usually get a 1-3 hour break in between shifts depending on the day. At 4pm, the young kitchen manager put in a large order of food for me and 3 others working doubles to be able to eat and chill for a bit before taking tables again. Not long after I started nomming (maybe about 5-10min), the floor manager asked me to take a table. I really wanted to say no because I wanted to finish eating and chill for a bit before having a long evening, but I reluctantly said ok. Little did I know, the night would pick up and I would barely have time to eat anything. I ate a piece of bacon wrapped shrimp, 4 big nachos, and a fajita, drank some water (and a sprite/apple juice mixture) and was back at it again for the rest of the night minus a 10min peemergency/"quick moment of me time" pitstop. Throughout the shift, I drank about a cup to a cup and a half worth of black coffee in 3 trips to keep me awake and perky... and not kersplode. Most of my tables were ok. I got asked to take a bunch of party tables again today and one of them, someone accidentally yoinked the chocolate pinata for my table and delivered it to their table, therefore forcing the kitchen to have to make another one and make my poor table wait another 10-15min, thus causing the manager to need to comp it (the guest gets it for free), thus I lose out on a tip for a 30 dollar item. One of my other party tables was salty that we ran out of Mexican rice at the end of the night on a holiday and gave me a "meh-riffic" tip (usually 15 percent). Other than that, both shifts ran pretty smoothly. I didn't make any mistakes or drop anything, most of my tables were pretty happy, a regular customer remembered me and I talked to her and her family for awhile, and I made decent money on both shifts, mostly thanks to other servers being nice and letting me take some extra tables/keep certain tables that were supposed to be mine and they wanted to sit elsewhere in another section, but I got to take the table anyway. At about 9pm, I stopped accepting new tables, but still had 2 outstanding tables to finish up before I could do any sidework I need to do before I can go home for the evening shift (fold napkins, clean silverware, make sure your section/tables are clean and reset, and certain other assigned chores). Since we were super understaffed today, I was assigned multiple chores. I'm usually able to complete my sidework throughout the shift, but was so busy/RIP from a long shift that I barely had time to do any of it. By 9:30pm, all of my tables had finally left. Thank goodness. Usually by that time, I'm long gone, especially after a double. I would then go to Dave and Busters to play Dance Dance Revolution, but not today. The restaurant closes at 10pm on Tuesdays, including holidays. By 10pm, everyone was super donezo from New Years Eve/working New Years Day and wanted to go home. By 10:30pm, I had done enough/had finished cleaning/resetting my section to where the person who was the latewait (the one who checks you off for your sidework before you go home for the night) told me to quietly go home/not tell antone without doing basically any of it and he'd take care of it. Happy New Years Day to me. Thanks for the get out of jail free pass today. At 10:40pm, I finished my checkout (tipping out/giving or receiving money from the bar) and I peaced the fuck out!
That was probably the craziest shift I've ever had at this job, but at least I have a job and did something productive today aka make money...
How did you spend your New Year?
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)